Recently I purchased a new garbage disposal for my kitchen sink as the old one sounded like I’d dropped a watch in it. I got a referral from a friend for a good plumber, a man who happened to be a Christian, and I called him for an estimate. I called around and his price seemed fair so I made an appointment. The plumber, I will call him Judas, came over with the new disposal and installed it in under an hour. As far as plumbing goes, he was a master craftsman. I was very pleased with his work. And he was polite and kind and even made good conversation, explaining to me how my pipes worked. But here is why I was upset with my plumber:
He did not share the gospel of Jesus with me.
He was a Christian plumber posing as a non-christian plumber. Perhaps he was trying to be “relevant” or something, I don’t know.
So I confronted him. I opened my checkbook but didn’t write the check. I asked him how, as a Christian, he could leave the gospel out of his work? He made some excuse about being a plumber, about being a craftsman and having a job to do, and doing it well, fulfilling his responsibility. And then he had the nerve to say to me that, as a writer, my primary job wasn’t to share the gospel, it was to write a good book. Can you believe he said that to me? I accused him of being emergent.
He tried to calm me down, as by this time I had closed my checkbook. He said to me, look, you know, if somebody writes a cook book, they are just doing a service, they are sharing recipes. No Christian would judge the author of a cookbook for not putting the gospel of Jesus in it, would they? Or a novel, for that matter, or a self-help book that helped people organize their time? Those are utilitarian, right? He was trying to confuse me with his mystical thinking, his new-age, left leaning theological wish wash. I accused him of not loving Jesus, and of completely abandoning scripture in his work life.
Judas then said to me that he often shares the gospel, and he makes no rules about when he will or when he won’t. He said he hadn’t even thought about it that day. I pointed at him and said “aha!” and he kind of rolled his eyes.
He kept talking but I had my fingers in my ears so I don’t know what else he said.
Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. It was a frustrating day. Tomorrow I’m having a guy come over to take the disposal out.
Best,
Don
P.S. Apparently more than a few people took this post seriously. Heavens. It’s a satirical commentary on criticism of Christian artists for “crossing over.” But I love your purity of heart. Seriously, though, do you really think I’d stand in the kitchen with my plumber and put my fingers in my ears? Don’t answer that.
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Well, this totally challeged me to witness more at work. I NEVER say anything about Jesus.
The whole “closing the checkbook” bit reminds me of Christians who go out to eat after church on Sunday, and then lambaste the server for working on the Sabbath and use that as an excuse not to tip the server!
Hi Don… so glad you cleared this up. I guess I don’t understand satire as well as I would like to. Or I am not use to hearing christians use it. Anyway, I was about to throw everything I knew about Donald Miller in the trash, but I am glad I don’t have to because it has been such a positive thing for me.
Shelly, I’m with you on the plumber, and I’ll add that I am also grateful for the lack of plumber’s crack in the photo.
The plumbers around here don’t look nearly that nice. Around here, there are lots of hairy beer bellies hangin’ out under too-small t-shirts, and that look isn’t restricted to the plumbers.
Anyway…
Nikki, I had similar thoughts about the blog, except that when he said it wasn’t serious after I’d convinced myself (against my better judgment) that he was, I thought, “Aw man, I AM an idiot!”
I get the satire, but as a believer, I don’t feel obligated to mention Jesus to every person I meet! It can be a turnoff Our actions, attitudes and lifestyle can speak for us as well.
A good look at how Christians can fall short when sharing the good news. And to think it hadn’t even crossed his mind that day! I especially liked the part of confrontation. Obviously, as a Christian, it is your duty to call him out on pretending to being simply a plumber instead of a Christian plumber. Instead of helping the poor dude out and taking up the responsibility of sharing it with him, it was definitely the safe thing to wait for him to announce his Christian values…which he obviously didn’t have. Because everyone knows, when you combine Christianity and plumbing, you go around preaching to every single client. Christians should always keep in mind that the best way to keep the “love for thy neighbor” vibe going is to ambush unsuspecting souls and catch them in the act of forgetting/denying Christ. Great satire.
Okay so I laughed through that whole post and then almost cried I was laughing so hard when you added that people had taken it seriously and you’d meant it as a joke. So awesome.
I have to admit that when I started reading this I was taken back a bit by the judging going on. I even scrolled back to the top to make sure it wasn’t somebody else’s article that you had re-posted! Hella funny though don!
This was awesome, Don–I love your words!
*gasp* And I bet he reads Bible translations that are NOT in KJV!
I still can’t believe that people didn’t recognize this as satire… although, I’ve had my share of gullible moments lately, so maybe I shouldn’t talk…
Thanks for the chuckle, Don. For a moment, it took my mind off of having to revise my thesis AGAIN and having to put off graduation another semester. Oh, great… I remembered again.
*curls back in fetal position*
Pure brilliance.
This was hilarious!
What made it even more funny was reading some of these comments…
Seems to me, classic Miller humor.
I’d love to read your post, Don, but I can’t stop looking at the photo of how clean your kitchen floor is. And the under-the-sink area…wow. Unused is all I can say.
Love it. Totally.
Someone recently asked me if I knew any good Christian tattoo artists. I asked them, “Do you know any good Christian window washers?”
I think it’s great that writers and artists have freedom, just like plumbers and window washers, to do their job without having to sort out a hidden agenda to change the world for jesus.
Even though I secretly still kinda hope I will…but I probably need counseling. Do you know a good Christian therapist?
at least he didn’t call anyone slowbellies, a generation of vipers, lying hypocrites, whitewashed sepulchures or anything like that. Because that would be so wrong.
I have to admit I wasn’t understanding it all until the end. And I’m still not sure I get your point – other than what I’ve heard in our Christian circles, regarding sharing, and how. And that is this “Share Christ with others – and sometimes, use words.”
Ok, this is probably not the right place to post this, but are there rules we follow anymore? (that’s quite amusing coming from a born rule-follower…obviously, since I view THIS as breaking a rule)
ANYWAYS, I don’t follow you, Don, on twitter or even know how that works, but I read on your site thingy that there were some amazon reviews of the new book. So, I went and read them.
First off, great reviews. I too love your writing. Few things make me laugh and, at times, few things make me cry, but somehow, you can do both.
I think George Wood’s review was a great testimony to the genuine heart in your writing. It can inspire each one to relook at one’s own journey in life, which is essentially one’s journey with God, whether admittedly or not. All our journeys so similar, yet very different…that’s how good God is!
Plus, I loved the part in another review, “the book is christian without being overly christian.” That line always makes me laugh. What does that mean? Genuine admission of searching for God, being imperfect, realizing we don’t have it all figured out, and being desperate for God…personally, I think that is when a really meaningful Christian journey can take flight. That’s when God can use us to do His work versus us using Him to do ours. Maybe you’re too humorous…humor automatically removes you from falling into the category of being a serious Christian.
Can’t wait to read it…I’m in the market for something christian but not overly.
Being convicted to relook at my journey with God and live to glorify Him today instead of seeking validation from my peers by “living” the empty pursuit of how my life should look like to the world should be an easy task.
From personal experience, life does dramatically improve once the focus has changed. It is richer, deeper, and can be quite lovely no matter your circumstances. (Phil. 3…who knew! all that stuff really is truth…overly Christian, but truth none the less.)
Have a good one!
Excellent humor – I think you should put this in a stand up comedy act – then at least people will know you are kidding!! I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Here’s my thing, Don…I have known one too many Christians contractors, plumbers, etc. who have given Christians a bad name. One was an acquaintance of mine who I knew ripped people off and was a horrible business man. I was embarassed by the fact that he tried to share the gospel with people. My brother (who is not a christian) called him the Christian Carpenter and he used it in a derogatory way. Then we personally had some guy come take a look at fixing our leaky basement and as soon as I saw a scripture on his biz card and he started talking about Jesus I immediately didn’t want to trust him. This guy is no longer in business, maybe he was ripping people off, too. I hate that I have this idea in my head that most of these people aren’t honest and truthful.
How do I get past that thought?
I usually enjoy meeting someone who performs a service like this who doesn’t have to tell me he’s a christian but I end up just knowing that there’s something different about him (or her). I just think it takes relationship sometimes to win someone to Christ and that isn’t formed sometimes when just fixing my leak.
“La-la-la-la! I’m not listening to you!”
“Did you hear So-and-so’s new record?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“It’s awesome. You should really check it out.”
“… Are they Christian?”
“…”
My Dentist lead me to Christ. He stuck some appliance in my mouth for fluoride treatment or something, then he held up the sinners prayer and asked me to to read it! I said something that sounded just like, “Mmmghrph llinom grmnpr zrinfgs wrmngi mfffgum fffirms nnnfffgg…” You know, just like that, all the way through! I couldn’t even understand what I was saying and yet the Dentist did! I decided it had to be a miracle and believed on the spot.
HIGH-larious!
“I accused him of being emergent.” Perfect.
I don’t know which is funnier…your post or that some people took it literally! Too hilarious! Also love the “emergent” line!
Wow. Wow is all I can say.
I was really really smiling as I read this post, and the comments really really bummed me out.
I guess that being from Portland and having Don be from Portland, I assume that his readers are from Portland too (which is silly, I know), and so I assume his readers would fully understand AND appreciate the beautifully played satire. I am in shock and awe that so many people missed the point entirely, even people who re-read it and then re-missed the point.
I’m going to go and re-read the post and then un-read the comments. Completely awesome.
I am a Christian homeowner with a plumber whose name is Jesus. Jesus isn’t a Christian. Talk about awkward!
I thought it was stinkin’ hilarious!
i that this post was funny, but wasn’t sure about the joke part, but when you clarified it as a joke, it was much funnier.
usually, in the context of your books, it is pretty easy to see what is a joke amidst the seriousness of your subject, but random stories in your blog are sometimes difficult to decipher… but funny nonetheless.
have a wonderful day!
Don, thanks for the huge belly laugh on a Saturday morning. Maybe at the top of all future posts like this one you need to put WARNING: NOT A TRUE STORY to help out the satire inpaired.
Wow. What an awesome post. I wish I could think of something half as clever to say in reply, but alas I am speechless!
Well written! We have a similar attitude about so-called “Christian” musicians.
See http://swordandspirit.com/LIBRARY/texts/slant_xtian_musicians.php
Totally missed the satire in this post. Thought you were serious. Well I better get back to work and do what I am being paid to do, not sharing the gospel.
“For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself. But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.”
My heart breaks to see people of God, saved by the same Grace, unable to extend that grace to others.
Help us all, our Precious Lord, the one who loved us while we were yet sinners. Thank you.
Originally I was going to put a Jesus fish riding a bike as the logo of my store. Looked too much like a Darwin fish with those cute little gangly legs.
I completely believe in the understanding the relevance of the culture,(and the satire intended) because associated memories are very strong in relation to how the gospel has been spoken in the past. (Due to the language) But, there are actual people who are suffering from mental, emotional, and physical ailments. I mean think about how many Christians are angry at the callousness of the church, but how much angrier are others at it also, so making the good news applicable is extremely important. Maybe the issue is we have not developed new language for active engagement. It’s just a thought. Peace!
My question would be how much more does he charge for the Christian sign or the Gospel Presentation?
I think a great many people here are missing the point.
Being a Christian isn’t just about evangelizing with words, it is also evangelizing with our actions, with our works.
Look at how Don describes how the plumber did the job he was hired to do:
“As far as plumbing goes, he was a master craftsman. I was very pleased with his work. And he was polite and kind and even made good conversation, explaining to me how my pipes worked.”
Anybody ever have a plumber like this, who did the work well, was kind, explained what he was doing and how it worked? Who was not just a plumber but a teacher? And, although Don doesn’t allude to it here, but we can probably guess, didn’t overcharge for the work or the time spent in conversation?
The allegorical plumber here WAS being Christian by putting Christian principles into action. To be Christian to is to be Christ-like, is to put the words of Christ into action. Perhaps we are judged by what we have done and what we have failed to do more than by what we say and have failed to say. By being an example of a skilled, kind, generous and ethical businessman, this plumber embodies all those things Christ teaches and Paul reminds us we must do: he LOVES his customer.
Don, gimme the plumber’s number. Maybe he knows somebody in the Kansas City area I can call when my drains back-up.
Chicardo,
You would also have had to worry about people thinking you intended to say “Human beings need Jesus like a fish needs a bicycle!”
Love it! Especially the part about, “He was trying to confuse me with his mystical thinking, his new-age, left leaning theological wish wash. I accused him of not loving Jesus, and of completely abandoning scripture in his work life.”
When are you coming to Toronto???
Why do I often find the comments just as entertaining as the blog? Donald, as a writer myself (One who just can’t seem to write like Karen Kingsbury no matter how hard I try- sorry Kingsbury fans), this was something I needed to read. Thanks for writing it.
…and the plumber is a metaphor for what?
Haha. This really made me smile. Great story.
I’m a plumber and this is awesome. =)
Close one…. I was worrying me for a second.
sweet typo
My Plumber’s Name is Judas
Great!
Thanks for sharing
cracking up…that was amazing.
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