Everybody feels sorry for themselves once in a while. It’s hard not to. It’s a great coping mechanism for whatever hard thing we are having to deal with. But at some point we have to put down the crutch and walk. Here’s an essay I’m working on for the new version of To Own a Dragon. The book might be called Rogue Elephants, or it might be called Father Fiction. We are still deciding. But the essay is a different tone for me. It’s more direct, advice-like even. I like writing in this tone, because, quite honestly, it’s easier. So I thought I’d post it for some feedback. As always, thanks!
Chapter ? Self Pity: how to annoy people and be downwardly mobile.
I’ve a friend who can’t hold a job. He’s actually had some great jobs, but he can’t keep them. And for each job he’s lost, he has a story about how bad his boss was, what an idiot he was, and how hard he was to work with. I’m sure my friends boss’ had some issues, but as I listened to him, I realized how hard it would be to have an employee like my friend, I mean to have to supervise a guy who was, at the start, against you, looking for faults, looking for reasons to not be a team player. Add to that my friend won’t take responsibility for his own issues. He assumes he doesn’t have any. The truth is my friend destined to fail, and continue failing, until he understands that what he really wants in life is to be a victim, and he’s looking for any opportunity to become one. That’s a cheap way of getting attention, and my friend will never be happy until he gives it up and starts taking responsibility for his life.
My friend Josh Ship is a speaker who goes around talking to large groups of teenagers. He is, perhaps, the greatest communicator I know. Even in my thirties, I watch all the little videos he puts out at www.heyjosh.com. Josh is an unlikely candidate to have become such a success. He grew up in more than twenty foster families. He never knew his mother or his father. That fundamental need we all have as humans to be loved and cared for, Josh never received. And yet he inspires millions.
I asked Josh once how he does it, how he remains so healthy. Josh said you either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.
There will always be a reason to feel sorry for ourselve’s. And sometimes it really is appropriate to grieve something terrible that has happened in our lives. But we also have to move on, we have to set ourselves free from the trap of self pity.
If you are like me, the reason you sometimes feel sorry for yourself is because it feels good. I know that sounds odd, but if you think about it, it really does. When I feel sorry for myself, what I’m really saying is that I deserved better, that I am a better person than what the situation has dealt me. And if you think about it, that’s kind of an arrogant thing to say. It would be better if our attitude was more like, man, that stinks, I didn’t get that job or that girl rejected me, better luck next time. Or we could just laugh about it with our friends. The trouble comes when something hard happens, and we chose to stop and milk it for attention. There’s no progress in that, and it isn’t going to get us anywhere. And it’s also annoying.
When a person goes to the gym to work out, they aren’t building up their muscles, they are tearing them down. No kidding. When you lift weights, you are doing damage to your muscles. The reason your muscles grow, then, is because your body goes into repair the damaged muscles, and makes them bigger so the next time you lift that much weight, you wont get hurt. So then you just lift more weights, and your body gets stronger and stronger.
It’s like that with our emotions, too. Once we experience something hard, it tears us down. It really does hurt, doesn’t it. We screw up and embarrass ourselves or we lose a job and don’t have any money. But honestly, there is nothing bad that can happen to us that won’t return a greater blessing if we let it. We will always come out stronger. And believe me, life is going to throw a lot of pain at you.
What self-pity does, though, is it stops us from gaining that emotional muscle. It’s like God is saying, look, you can either have the blessing of a stronger character, or you can have the immediate gratification of self pity. But you can’t have both. People who wallow in self-pity, never grow strong in character.
What we have to do instead is ask ourselves what we can learn from the situation. If we got rejected by the opposite sex, we have to ask ourselves why. Is there anything we can do differently. If we got fired, we have to take ownership of whatever we did that was wrong. And if it wasn’t our fault, we have to understand that the rain falls on the good and the bad, and crops only grow out of ground that has been rained upon.
I have to check myself all the time for thoughts of self-pity. Now I’d never consider myself somebody who feels sorry for himself. In fact I detest the idea, because I know how unattractive it is. And yet, nearly every day, I find myself complaining about something. And complaining is nothing but self pity. If I complain about the flat tire on my truck, I’m really saying I’m somebody who deserves better. How arrogant of me, right? Instead, I need to get out of the truck and change the tire and move on, just dealing with the rain as it comes. Complaining is a form of self-pity. Another form of self pity that creeps in is not wanting to do our work. If you don’t like your job, quit and find a better job. But to complain is to not take responsibility for your life. You rarely hear powerful people complaining about their bosses. Why? Because people who complain about their bosses never become bosses. If you want to be successful some day, stop complaining. It won’t be long before you are made the boss, I promise. And then you’ll have to deal with all those people who are complaining about you. And that’s a whole other topic.
Great post! So true self-pity chokes the blessing out of life, yet you’re right there must be something oddly comforting about it or why would we persist in it. Come to Raleigh, NC on your tour! Lots of folks would love to hear you here! read Million Miles, my sister passed o her advanced copy and I loved it. It has stayed with for weeks. Great food for thought1
Thanks for writing this essay. It was a good reminder of one summer morning between my Freshman and Sophomore years in college. You see I had this horrible job and it was only June. Not too traumatic but I was wallowing in self pity. I was laying in bed that morning thinking to myself, I could just choose to be thankful. I did and it made all the difference. Sometimes life isn’t that simple but usually it is. Your essay helped me remember that day and that choice, so thanks! Liked the writing style too…
Don:
An interesting piece but not really what I expected from you. It is decent advice for people who are emotionally healthy but sure misses the mark if applied to people with serious emotional problems
You said “But at some point we have to put down the crutch and walk”. I doubt you would say that to someone who had a obviously damaged leg and actually needed a crutch.
Your muscle example works for most people whose muscles can respond in a healthy way to the dynamics of exercise. How about people with physical damage where the process may not quite work the same ?
Some people are as emotionally scared and damaged as those with a physical handicap. The problem with an emotional handicap is that it is not as easy to detect or understand as a physical one.
Dave
1 Thessalonians 5:14 We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
I really like this essay the way it’s presented. I feel that unless this is the start of the book (which would be a terrible idea
), the readers have already gotten to know your voice and the way you present your ideas… your heart for people. Understanding those aspects combined with this direct language will make this section much more impactful.
Also, if we were voting, I’d vote for “Rogue Elephants”. …I think you’ve got a little rogue apostrophe in this sentence: “There will always be a reason to feel sorry for ourselve’s.” …
Anyway. I love your work. Really. A lot.
Nice chapter…love the muscle analogy!
I like all of it except the first three sentences of this section –
What we have to do instead is ask ourselves what we can learn from the situation. If we got rejected by the opposite sex, we have to ask ourselves why. Is there anything we can do differently. If we got fired, we have to take ownership of whatever we did that was wrong. And if it wasn’t our fault, we have to understand that the rain falls on the good and the bad, and crops only grow out of ground that has been rained upon.
Those first three statements are too pat and predictable – you usually take a unique view or express a common view more creatively. That is exactly what everybody says – word for word – and I am absolutely certain you can find a more Don Miller way to say that – or inject a bit of humor.
Otherwise – pretty good and I like the directness – thanks
well written, obviously and if i read this anywhere else (i’m not sure why i would) i might take it more to heart.
but one of the things i like about don miller books are their distance from ever pointing any fingers; it makes the reader (me) come to my own conclusions and possibly even be a little more thoughtful than if the point was made more clear.
i’m sure there is room out there for both tones of writing though. me personally? i’ll be buying the books where don talks about life in a way only he can, and leaves the reader to come up with their own conclusions.
looking forward to the book don, when’s the release date, dude?
I really like it. As a counselor I frequently get to the point of wanting to say deal with it and stop wallowing in it, whatever it is. Self pity is just another form of self centered-ness.
This is definitely straight forward. Since it is different from your usual style it makes a stronger point. Thanks for your draft essay.
thumbs up. that is actually something i needed to hear.
[...] This is a really good piece by Don Miller on “self pity.” I’m glad I read this! “Self Pity, How to be Downwardly Mobile.” [...]
Don,
I agree, it is a different voice for you, but as the saying goes ” variety is the spice of life”. That essay was very eye-opening for me as well, something that I’m dealing with. It’s not easy for us to look at ourselves when the picture we see, or are presented with, isn’t a “favorable” one. I have also discovered that when, as one of the commentors on this page put it, we give this advice in grace, we tend to aid MUCH more than just simply speaking the Truth. Thanks for the open opportunity to give open and honest feedback.
With opened eyes,
Matt
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR U TO GET TO LIVING WORD CHURCH IN PA!!!!!!!!!!!! RECIEPT IN HAND, JUST WAITING FOR TICKET AND OCTOBER 23 TO GET HERE!!!!!!!!!! HURRAH FOR DONALD MILLER!!!! Yes, I may just be a fan.
Garsh, I read all the comments, and I think so many make some really good points.
I re-read the essay again to take notice of things people commented on. Here are a few observations that I made based on previous comments.
Possibly one snag in this piece could be that there is a wide spectrum of thoughts and examples in the essay…anywhere from a flat tire to someone being in 20 foster homes. That’s quite the range of issues. I think that might be throwing some people off.
On one hand, when a guy doesn’t notice a girl, ya, that sucks, let’s move on. When a husband cheats on his wife, well that takes a bit more to deal with.
Now, self-pity is NOT the answer for either, but moving on and finding “healing” in both circumstances takes different paths.
CS Lewis writes, “Before we can be cured we must want to be cured. Those who really wish for help will get it.” (Mere Christianity)
I think there is a key idea in there. Self-pity is wallowing in the wound and not seeking the proper “help” and healing. A paper cut…a torn ACL…or being beaten by your spouse or father are all wounds that must be treated.
One, “that sucks” is pretty much all it takes. The next, a specialized doctor, surgery, rehab and money is needed. The last one, well, those wounds need all sorts of healing from all sorts of doctors, but most of all, from God Himself.
I’ve had a crappy 12 months, but I sure want healing. Because I have sought it, prayed for it, and actively pursued it, I do believe it has come faster for me. The girl who leaves her injured knee and ignores it, will eventually have to face the problem and the delay will have caused it to become worse. The person who doesn’t deal with the emotional wounds from tough blows in life, the same will occur.
You can’t lick your wounds, but you can’t deny them either. You gotta go get help for them.
The person wallowing in self-pity is just licking the wounds, they are just being lazy. It isn’t pretty nor is it helpful. The person seeking healing and restoration and actively pursuing it, will eventually find it and find it much faster.
Isn’t that how one’s character grows stronger…seeking to be healed and traveling the difficult road of finding it.
There is a chapter on Faith/Abraham in Eugene Peterson’s book The Jesus Way. He says it beautifully. “Abraham did not become our exemplar in faith by having it explained to him but by engaging in a lifetime of travel, life on the road, daily leaving something of himself behind (self-sovereignty) and entering something new (God sovereignty).”
It’s a journey, a lifetime of ENGAGING. Just like #19 Krista said…you have to keep moving. Self-pity stunts any movement, any growth, any healing.
My vote is definitely Rogue Elephants…my thought would be, “I want to find out what a stinkin’ rogue elephant is”… Father Fiction sounds more like something that is on an assigned summer reading list. BUT, if you have already chosen FatherFiction, then, I think it’s a grand title and I’m sure lots of people will think, “I wanna know what a stinkin’ father who is fiction is all about.”
I’ve read what people have commented and am responding to stuff that made me think, as well as to Don’s stuff:
-as said above, usually only very desperate people do what others tell them to do, as to personal life decisions and attitudes. The rest of us respond better to stories, and hate “you gotta” and “you can’t”. They’re like dares.
-some people have a strong vomit reaction to triteness. Alliteration, acronyms, rhymes and other tv-ad-sounding things charm the socks right off a few very specific kinds of people. Some people think Reader’s Digest is hilarious and clever, and some find it insipid and out of touch. As teachers, we are encouraged that being “edgy” in a genuine way has statistically significant positive results, and that being very careful and safe in the classroom can really filter out real stuff and make students incapable of connecting.
I’ve talked to various human beings in my life as a human, and have found that, for some reason, Christians as a group seem to have a MUCH higher threshold for cheesiness and cliche than any other group. So, “better or bitter” hits some people right in the gut, and they go “oh barf!” and others go “that’s SO memorable and clever! How did he THINK of that?!”
-as someone who has struggled throughout life with negativity, judgmental spirit and feeling unloved and not knowing how to show love, I can tell you that the first reaction of most folks upon meeting a judgmental person is to judge them, a negative person, to say something negative to or about them, and with love-impaired people, to clearly not like them and want them to disappear. Oddly, these strategies fail to teach us a damn thing. Well, except to validate our problematic viewpoints.
Don, if you had a personal, face-to-face connection with every single person who ever read your books (impossible, right?), you’d be able to do things like be kind and loving to a love-deprived-impaired person, to not judge a judgmental person, to introduce a negative person to the idea that a positive outlook need not be vulnerable, dangerous and a lie.
But you don’t have that kind of connection, so what can you do when writing is your work? I don’t know. Maybe nod in the direction of that stuff? Tell about how someone did it? (you had that story of attributing good to the annoying guy, and how he got better. More of that sort of thing maybe?).
I don’t have all the answers and am not commenting here to inform you of what to do because I’m so smart and all. I see what you’re doing as a unique thing I hope the Christian Church movement isn’t eating, diluting or muddying the spirit of. I’m worried.
There is no shortage of Christian writing out there. It often kinda only works at all for people who already buy into that kind of thing. It can be quite safe and very circular and propagandistic. I know it doesn’t do a thing for me but irritate me (but then, I’m all negative and need help grasping positive outlooks in a way these Christian books aren’t providing.) The spirit seen in even a single page of some of the books I’ve bought makes me have to wrestle with my entire digestive system to get through a chapter of it to find stuff that’s in there that is good.
You go to church. You hang out with church people. Some of them probably have no idea what’s it’s like for some of us. No doubt they are full of advice and concerns. You know what you have to do to reach them and not disturb them. Satan has long-established agents in the Christian church worldwide to devour, dilute and muddy (see me avoiding alteration! Woo!) your attitude and your work.
To reach people who have been anywhere dark, you have to show some street-cred. When you talk of drinking beer, or liking girls, or smoking pot one time, or stealing things, where you could very well have lied, diluted or hidden the reality of who you were, people who sometimes do bad things can believe what you say in a way they can’t if you’re just writing the sorts of things John MacMurray could have come up with on his own without needing to collaborate with you. (the strength of To Own a Dragon isn’t that a good father who knows what to do contributed. It is that a story about a collaboration between a good father and someone who wasn’t fathered is in there, I think)
So, I’m going to end by saying this: there is a huge force in motion which tries to ensure that any Christian writer is going to put his diamonds on display in a huge tank of Luke-warm water. And then anyone can write a book, even without diamonds, so long as there’s the big tank of Luke-warm water, and the claim that there’s diamonds in them thar hills. You need to keep putting your chocolate with the peanut butter, the humour with what matters, the darkness with the shaft of insight, and so on.
Or so I think.
I’m reading East of Eden– there’s a great passage in chapter 24 where Adam is being confronted over allowing himself to be ruining by self pity.
…
Just speaking for myself, but I wonder if I indulge in self-pity as a cheap substitute for God’s parental concern.
Two books that kicked my butt in the self pity department: “The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment”- Jeremiah Burroughs. The man was religiously persecuted centuries ago in England. He had reason to indulge in self-pity but refused.
And “The Oz Principle.” This book taught me to focus on accountability and not blame.
Both books hit my life at at the same time, when I I needed to snap out of a martyr complex the most.
I really liked it, especially the idea about the arrogance of self pity and “taking the rain as it comes.” However, I didn’t like the conclusion; the whole “you’ll be bosses soon enough,” though not necessarily literal, felt really neo-Joel Osteen with a prosperity agenda – that’s not usually what I look for when reading Don Miller…
I really like what #65 Mike said. Don, you really do have a unique way of connecting to people…you have a gift of being vulnerable and sharing your story in an authentic manner. You share what others are too scared to share and you reach people who would never have been reashed before (or reached
) because of that.
Keep being courageous, trust your gut and that inner voice, and always discuss things over with Lucy. Often times, God’s voice booms out of the licks from dogs.
Besides, you are a “mover and a shaker”…surely that counts for something.
(I do still really believe what I wrote on 64 and the prior ones, but if I ever wrote a book, it would be boring and definitely be one of those that was on the assigned summer reading list because it would make kids sulk and glaze over. So, in other words, who gives a flying flip what I think. Maybe the best thing to do is not do what is “easy”
…do what’s honest, do what’s real.)
PS – seriously, this manuscript thing…totally milking it for all it’s worth buddy. By my calculations, this will take 3 weeks to get to all 60 of them. By the time you get to TX, half of facebook will be involved and the “find” time will be to like 32 seconds. Oh, is that self-pity…crap. nevermind.
It’s fun! Glad so many people are gonna be reading the book. I’ve heard from 3 diff. people that it is really incredible. Can’t wait.
Thanks so much, Shelly! (note that I told Don that most people really hate folks writing stuff about “You gotta” and “You can’t” and then I end by telling him “You have to.” Whatta maroon I am!)
I mean, “I need to.” Oops again. And duh.
A thought on: ‘If you are like me, the reason you sometimes feel sorry for yourself is because it feels good.’
Hey Don and team,
I thought what you said in the beginning of this paragraph was very astute and true. We do get a sickly
goodness out of our self-pity. However, when you said that we are being arrogant to believe that we deserve better, I realised that people (like me!) think this way because, in fact, deep down they don’t believe they are worth any good thing at all, and so they eat from the bowl of self-pity to try get what they are really looking for. Maturity would be admitting that we feel worthless and to take accountability for the fact that we are holding hands with self-pity to try and make us feel better. People are usually arrogant in their self-pity only as a cover for their core of shame.
I did like what you, Mike #65, said. I will admit, some of my fondness came from the fact that I was just so thankful that someone wrote a longer essay about Don’s essay than I had. (phew!) But what you said was really good too.
However, I must say I have one MAJOR problem with something you wrote. It is towards the end and you implied something that just cuts me to my core and I must call you out on it. I will even copy and paste it so there is no “taken out of context” argument…
I quote,
“You need to keep putting your chocolate with the peanut butter, the humour with what matters, the darkness with the shaft of insight, and so on.”
Now, as I see it, you are implying that either chocolate OR peanut butter does not matter and perhaps one is even connected to darkness.
Now, we need to Back Up The Boat on this one and re-evaluate what we are saying/implying on these blogs.
Both, chocolate AND peanut butter matter greatly. Neither can be replaced or left out in a life worth living. Please, choose your words more carefully next time…and if this is really your philosophical view, then I beg you to talk it over with God and see how He leads you in this area of your life.
Some topics we can disagree on, ie, partial immersion or full immersion, etc…but not on this. I draw the line. 
I’m with Guy. We should just go get something good for ourselves, but we’re too lazy, too scared or too despairing and beaten down, so we cheat and whine about how unfair it is that we can’t get that stuff when we probably didn’t even try for it, or quit at the first sign of adversity. So, self-pity can be a weak substitute for actually laying hold on anything worthwhile, I guess.
An atheist friend, hearing my thoughts about “Why was it Moses and Elijah were the two guys who showed up at the Mount of Transfiguration for Jesus to have a heart-heart with about his immediate future? It could have been anybody, and only one of them was even dead…” described Elijah going into the cave and despairing of not being better than his fathers (ancestors) and feeling like he was all alone, said “He got all emo.” (for people too out of touch with teenagers to know what emo is, think “goth, but with japanime cuteness tossed in with the black, the androgyny and the skulls.”
Thanks, I needed that.
“Now, as I see it, you are implying that either chocolate OR peanut butter does not matter and perhaps one is even connected to darkness.”
Actually I was outright stating that Don needs both, that they both matter, that he needs to keep putting the one with the other, as he does so ably, so we’ll have both.
This is why I said “You need to keep putting your chocolate with the peanut butter, the humour with what matters, the darkness with the shaft of insight, and so on.”
My point about ‘darkness’ is that if we are painting a picture or displaying diamonds, we need to put darkness in there, because we just do, because it’s what we live and where we are. This is why displaying diamonds in a tank full of water would be stupid. You couldn’t see them. You need contrast. You need richness. You need a backdrop. You need sugar and lemons to make lemonade. You need torture and death mixed with incredible love and noble sacrifice to make the crucifixion. You need omnipotence and vulnerable mortality to make Jesus.
We are supposed to shine in darkness. If we make art without any of the darkness being acknowledged (even nodded toward), we don’t come across as real. The psalms are not lacking what we think of as “dark attitudes.” So many of our hymns are, however.
Don at his best has terribly serious stuff he’s terribly passionate about, and yet he kinda backs up instead of ranting, and presents it with humour, with funny examples (and cartoon carrots) to make the point. There is real darkness in the astronaut Don thing, but you encounter it as a cartoon. He makes his smartest and most complex and nuanced points using an amusingly slangy style sometimes, and usually a story or visual.
So, to conclude, I think it would ruin Don’s writing for him to simply tell us what to think. Or to do. Or what it is important to know. He knows that this would be bad. As he said, what he put up here for us to look at (and I sure hope he wanted comments) is a rough draft and he can fill it out more with more colour. More colour hopefully comes along too, after you slap the ideas down on paper, if you’re me, anyway. Colour, narrative, direction and context are all vital.
God made Don. When Don conquers insecurity, he usually achieves a kind of bullet-proof, unshakeable, individualistic humility. I think this is almost unheard of in the majority of Christians writing books today. You go, Don.
Mike…I know what you meant. You certainly explain it very well though. Much better than I ever could.
I was honestly talking about chocolate and peanut butter…the yummy foods. I was completely joking. I knew what the deeper meaning was behind your piece and you made some great points. I really liked all that you said, and I certainly didn’t meant to take away from it. I was just standing up for 2 of my favorite foods. There was NOTHING spiritual behind my comments. That should have been a clue to me (but it wasn’t) to not post sarcasm…I sincerely apologize.
I am very sorry if you took the comment literally. Honestly, very sorry.
I hope you have a great day…from a girl who obviously likes chocolate and peanut butter a little too much and really did like your comments.
To anybody else that my “chocolate and peanut butter” comments might have offended,
I am very sorry.
Sarcasm gets lost in translation on the computer. I should know that by now, but sometimes it gets the better of me.
My sincere apologies.
(I had already posted sarcasm on the next one too before I saw this post this morning…but Don, that was directed at you. I hope you know I was kidding about the book as well.)
Love the new blog look.
Great article man, really needed to hear this. It just reinforces a lot of what God has been teaching me lately. I honestly don’t read your blog that much, but decided to check it out when you tweeted about the new design. Looks good in Firefox! Thanks again.
Yeah. My fault. I took it seriously. I am so used to having a herd of people with reading comprehension problems descend upon me with torches and pitchforks whenever I write absolutely anything, that I have a kneejerk reaction to that.
Don,
I don’t think it’s overly preachy. I always gain the most from your stories, so elaborating on a self-pity story might be helpful.
I’m excited you’re re-releasing “To Own A Dragon.” It’s probably my favorite, and the most personally helpful, of all your stuff.
Thanks for sharing your gift of writing.
CM
I’m a bit of a “Through Painted Deserts” guy. I think that would make a great road trip movie, if the stuff (seen in Blue Like Jazz, I believe) where you arrive at the bible camp and “play hippie” was kind of a coda at the end or something.
Anybody with me? It could be dreamy driving shots, intercut with surreal and bizarre fantasy scenes that keep ending up being just inside Don’s head, interrupted by Paul saying “Don, what are you thinking?” and Don not telling him.
Self Pity article…. excellent!
Wow, man, this is some brutal critique. I’m an evil bitch, but I tend to err on the side of tact. Don, your candor is what people like, and it is what makes you awesome….
Posting about SELF PITY hits us humans at the core of our ego. No wonder you are getting your ass kicked with this!
Free advice is worth the price, neh? Here’s some free advice. Pull it off and think for a bit. And pray too, while you are at it.
I nag because I care.
Thank you so much… I have been struggling with postpartum depression since my 7month old daughter was born. Then my husband lost his job, we lost our beautiful apartment, and we had to move in with my parents. There have been days I cannot get out of bed. I have been questioning my faith, my purpose, everything. Your books have helped me so much, and this article is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you!
Great title Don.. that’s what made me stop and read on.
I think straight talk is what everyone needs now more than ever and most people just don’t get enough or avoid confrontation at all cost when it comes to matters of the ego as pointed out earlier in this thread. The gym analogy is perfect.
I hardly feel that your “ass has been kicked” by any means amigo and I say keep rocking the direct message. Anyone that knows your material knows you have a variety of styles in your delivery which rightfully includes a simple shot of reality like this piece. I will buy this book, whatever it is called my friend.
In him, Russ
a different voice for you, for sure. will have to get used to it, or not. the ‘get bitter or get better’ statement was the strongest but coming from someone who has suffered some substantial losses and traumas (my mostly unselfpitying self) i can say that getting better, per say, is not always an option. i may never have my physical health restored, for example, but i / we do always have the CHOICE of RESPONSE to whatever comes our way, and bitterness will not be mine as long as i have GOD’S LOVE in my heart. i can love and serve in chronic pain from a hospital bed if needed, and choose to be loving verses bitter and hateful. that’s the least i can do for Jesus…
P.S. I heard a woman speak who had lost her only daughter to suicide. This woman stated, “Nothing happens to me; everything happens for me.” I figured if this woman could stand on that statement, so could I. It removes all possibilities of victimhood and reminds me that God is always large and in charge
This part: When a person goes to the gym to work out, they aren’t building up their muscles, they are tearing them down. No kidding. When you lift weights, you are doing damage to your muscles. The reason your muscles grow, then, is because your body goes into repair the damaged muscles, and makes them bigger so the next time you lift that much weight, you wont get hurt. So then you just lift more weights, and your body gets stronger and stronger.
It’s like that with our emotions, too. Once we experience something hard, it tears us down. It really does hurt, doesn’t it. We screw up and embarrass ourselves or we lose a job and don’t have any money. But honestly, there is nothing bad that can happen to us that won’t return a greater blessing if we let it. We will always come out stronger. And believe me, life is going to throw a lot of pain at you.
Was really helpful.
Hey Donald:
Thank you for all you have to say in your work. I think one of your biggest strengths in writing is that you are relational so people find some sort of connection with you and your words. And not only are you relational, you get somewhere with your work-to a point or purpose. You lead people in your writings back to God and for that I am thankful.
So I just found your blog and was browsing about until I came across this entry. I have to say when it comes to emotional intelligence, this is a “stumper” for me. I have a poor relationship with my father and also struggle with homosexuality and in a culture that advocates to live as you please, it gets hard from time to time to not listen to that message/agenda. I love God, or at least try to. I struggle a lot with moving forward and sometimes not knowing how “to be” (i.e. To Own a Dragon) and end up feeling depressed and anxious. Reading entries such as this is emotionally sobering for me. I want to mature in life and in my relationship with God but far too often I forget His truth and get caught up in myself. Thank you for this and for Josh’s website-it brought perspective for me and where I’m at. I want you to know that your words have really helped me (as well as other factors I’m sure) to keep me going and pursuing God. Thank you, Donald.
Enrique
Don, I have really enjoyed your books. Your writing has helped me more than any other Christian author through this spiritual journey of life. I did like the essay on self-pity. This is one of my battles, even though God has blessed me with a great life. I think self-pity is a symptom of how we are living and who we are serving at the time. If we have ourselves as the number one priority in life, then our problems become magnified and how people treat us becomes magnified and how we think about things and react to situations become magnified. I know it’s hard to handle horrible things that we have to experience in life, even for folks who aren’t self-centered, but God promised to never leave us and He will see us through any situation. This is one of my favorite of God’s many promises. I can’t wait to read your new book.
I really enjoy reading your writing, Don…it’s the intimacy, I think.
Good piece, needed by everyone. You might want to read it closely before you send it for publication (or maybe that’s what you depend on an editor for.)
Thanks…I’m a big fan,
-bills
Thank you Don! I think it’s a great article/chapter. Sure, we all want to defend our own shortcomings and have the world around us conform to ‘our’ personal stuff, however, I just want to say – one of the very most things that ever changed my life was this.
In counseling, long years ago; I was telling my tales of woe and why those around me were effecting my life when the counselor said, ‘ But you play the part so well!’. I looked at him and asked him what he meant and he explained to me that I was indeed playing my role as the victim and I was doing it very well. He could have just as well have slapped me across my face!
Long story short, this one comment changed my life forever. I never returned to this counselor, but I walked out with a new perspective about how I wanted to live and it certainly was NOT being a victim willingly and enthusiastically.
Did it cure me instantly? No. But it sure did help me to reframe and consciously begin to observe my own part in my own life.
Yes, I deal with emotional issues, family of origin issues, physical and health issues, but I still have the power to choose self pity and miserableness or determination and gratitude for every single thing that is thrown my way. I can’t tell you how much difference this has probably made in the past 35 years of my life!
Keep writing!
I’m looking for a more nuanced message. This piece has a definite either/or quality. Supporting another person’s transformation is difficult, but I think you can accomplish more by actually showing how — on a feeling level — the process of transformation happened for a real person. Any of us can easily take an epimethean perspective when a conversation is based on foregone conclusions, but when we, as readers, are taken into and through those difficult, real-life feelings and experiences, when we actually feel how transformation happens, then you can truly say you’ve communicated your message. How does it feel for you to sit in the midst of ambiguous and difficult emotions and find your way through to a satisfying, or at least acceptable, solution? Tell us how it really is for you rather than delivering your foregone conclusions. Take us with you on your journey.
Was thinking I needed to email this post to a couple of people I know who are constant complainers. Then I got to the the part where you said that “complaining is a form of self pity”. OUCH. Need to email to MOI.