Everybody feels sorry for themselves once in a while. It’s hard not to. It’s a great coping mechanism for whatever hard thing we are having to deal with. But at some point we have to put down the crutch and walk. Here’s an essay I’m working on for the new version of To Own a Dragon. The book might be called Rogue Elephants, or it might be called Father Fiction. We are still deciding. But the essay is a different tone for me. It’s more direct, advice-like even. I like writing in this tone, because, quite honestly, it’s easier. So I thought I’d post it for some feedback. As always, thanks!
Chapter ? Self Pity: how to annoy people and be downwardly mobile.
I’ve a friend who can’t hold a job. He’s actually had some great jobs, but he can’t keep them. And for each job he’s lost, he has a story about how bad his boss was, what an idiot he was, and how hard he was to work with. I’m sure my friends boss’ had some issues, but as I listened to him, I realized how hard it would be to have an employee like my friend, I mean to have to supervise a guy who was, at the start, against you, looking for faults, looking for reasons to not be a team player. Add to that my friend won’t take responsibility for his own issues. He assumes he doesn’t have any. The truth is my friend destined to fail, and continue failing, until he understands that what he really wants in life is to be a victim, and he’s looking for any opportunity to become one. That’s a cheap way of getting attention, and my friend will never be happy until he gives it up and starts taking responsibility for his life.
My friend Josh Ship is a speaker who goes around talking to large groups of teenagers. He is, perhaps, the greatest communicator I know. Even in my thirties, I watch all the little videos he puts out at www.heyjosh.com. Josh is an unlikely candidate to have become such a success. He grew up in more than twenty foster families. He never knew his mother or his father. That fundamental need we all have as humans to be loved and cared for, Josh never received. And yet he inspires millions.
I asked Josh once how he does it, how he remains so healthy. Josh said you either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.
There will always be a reason to feel sorry for ourselve’s. And sometimes it really is appropriate to grieve something terrible that has happened in our lives. But we also have to move on, we have to set ourselves free from the trap of self pity.
If you are like me, the reason you sometimes feel sorry for yourself is because it feels good. I know that sounds odd, but if you think about it, it really does. When I feel sorry for myself, what I’m really saying is that I deserved better, that I am a better person than what the situation has dealt me. And if you think about it, that’s kind of an arrogant thing to say. It would be better if our attitude was more like, man, that stinks, I didn’t get that job or that girl rejected me, better luck next time. Or we could just laugh about it with our friends. The trouble comes when something hard happens, and we chose to stop and milk it for attention. There’s no progress in that, and it isn’t going to get us anywhere. And it’s also annoying.
When a person goes to the gym to work out, they aren’t building up their muscles, they are tearing them down. No kidding. When you lift weights, you are doing damage to your muscles. The reason your muscles grow, then, is because your body goes into repair the damaged muscles, and makes them bigger so the next time you lift that much weight, you wont get hurt. So then you just lift more weights, and your body gets stronger and stronger.
It’s like that with our emotions, too. Once we experience something hard, it tears us down. It really does hurt, doesn’t it. We screw up and embarrass ourselves or we lose a job and don’t have any money. But honestly, there is nothing bad that can happen to us that won’t return a greater blessing if we let it. We will always come out stronger. And believe me, life is going to throw a lot of pain at you.
What self-pity does, though, is it stops us from gaining that emotional muscle. It’s like God is saying, look, you can either have the blessing of a stronger character, or you can have the immediate gratification of self pity. But you can’t have both. People who wallow in self-pity, never grow strong in character.
What we have to do instead is ask ourselves what we can learn from the situation. If we got rejected by the opposite sex, we have to ask ourselves why. Is there anything we can do differently. If we got fired, we have to take ownership of whatever we did that was wrong. And if it wasn’t our fault, we have to understand that the rain falls on the good and the bad, and crops only grow out of ground that has been rained upon.
I have to check myself all the time for thoughts of self-pity. Now I’d never consider myself somebody who feels sorry for himself. In fact I detest the idea, because I know how unattractive it is. And yet, nearly every day, I find myself complaining about something. And complaining is nothing but self pity. If I complain about the flat tire on my truck, I’m really saying I’m somebody who deserves better. How arrogant of me, right? Instead, I need to get out of the truck and change the tire and move on, just dealing with the rain as it comes. Complaining is a form of self-pity. Another form of self pity that creeps in is not wanting to do our work. If you don’t like your job, quit and find a better job. But to complain is to not take responsibility for your life. You rarely hear powerful people complaining about their bosses. Why? Because people who complain about their bosses never become bosses. If you want to be successful some day, stop complaining. It won’t be long before you are made the boss, I promise. And then you’ll have to deal with all those people who are complaining about you. And that’s a whole other topic.
Don,
A wonderful topic for an essay. We all need to hear it. I’m not sure where this essay would be situated in the book, but I hope after it you discuss the importance of community in calling us out of self-pity and into taking responsibility for our lives. It is much easier to pick ourselves up when we have friends–especially ones who acknowledge our faults with us in grace–there to help us dust ourselves off.
That is another tough lesson to learn: the majority of the time, we cannot do life on our own.
Cheers.
It is a very different voice for you. It’s direct and good wisdom. I have a similar essay on the same topic that may assist in ideas; Joyce Meyer says the problem with pity parties is that after awhile you’re the only one there.
Pity Parties are dangerous. They leave you isolated, clouded, and ineffective. It’s a selfish and prideful way to live. In a world that is seeking for answers and hope we have an opportunity to be that answer and hope. Living in a complantive pity party is only going to stunt the cause and the direction.
Also, for those readers that are believers, a challenge of we are to be thankful and find our joy in the Lord. Sometimes we have to fight for that joy but within a pity party there is no fullness.
I’ve rolled around in my pity before. Let it saturate my day and lick my wounds but it bred more pity. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING! When I decided to take my eyes off my circumstance and see the people around me, really see them, I realized that there is a purpose for each place I find myself in life. Sometimes I’m assigned to bring favor and light, sometimes, I just get to glean and learn…but it’s doing something.
Great essay. I’m right there with you on this one. I love watching HeyJosh too. I use his videos and ideas in my high school youth group. They really respond to the way he communicates. I like your view of complaining too. I always tell people, “The longer you sit around complaining about it, the longer its going to take you to get the job done.”
gosh, thanks for this.
two cool parts for me: 1. “When I feel sorry for myself, what I’m really saying is that I deserved better, that I am a better person than what the situation has dealt me. And if you think about it, that’s kind of an arrogant thing to say” and 2.”God is saying, look, you can either have the blessing of a stronger character, or you can have the immediate gratification of self pity.”
recently quit my job and i believe it will be a daily test as i’m looking for something else in this tough market of accepting the blessing and acknowledging god’s providence…
I like the topic a lot. It definitely does not sound like your normal “voice”. Especially the first three lines of the last paragraph. Within the context of the TOAD rewrite perhaps it will soften some in that you are sharing how your own situation with your Dad could have sent you into self-pity mode? It will likely speak more to YOU, which is where I think your writing shines. We the reader relate our lives to your musings and stories and pull our lessons from that. I’m not sure if “direct” lessons from Don is a good thing or not. Hope you have a great week of “retreat”.
That is great Don! Just what I needed to hear and be reminded of. Thanks.
I have index cards on my bathroom mirror…just random ones that make a great pattern…j/k they say various things on them…you look awesome, you ARE really funny, etc… things like that
ANYWAYS, I had one that I had made that says “may I choose and desire healing and righteousness and not self pity.” (It came from a “deeper still” Bible study i did this summer)
It hadn’t made it to the mirror…I just taped it on there.
Thanks!
You really were born to write. (I don’t mean that in a “flattery” sort of way, I just mean it. Thanks.)
Looking forward to finding a script this week. BUT if I don’t, I will say, “Oh, I didn’t find the script. Better luck next time.”
I was convicted by your last paragraph…you’re so right.
I think there is a balance here somewhere of being authentic and true…and saying “i’m hurting” or “this person isn’t kind to me” in a way that allows us to process our real feelings and emotions…and then picking up and moving forward in a positive way…
and then there is being perma-grin Ned Flanders…which is the brand of christianity I just don’t want to live.
I don’t think that living an authentic life is to be consumed with self pity…but self pity can be the chains we get mired down in.
I think of a friend of mine who is just like your friend in the first paragraph…and I sometimes want to scream!!
Maybe there is a difference between complaining and being authentic and truthful? Perhaps that line is sometimes a tricky one…one leads us down a road of freedom…the other keeps us living in our own junk…sad and lonely and self-fulfilling our own prophesy.
oh! I just thought of something else…
I think gratitude is the enemy of self pity.
Happy Sunday.
First I doubt that jobless friend will be your friend once you publish this. I think I have read all your books. In an effort to be instructive please do not be trite. I need you to tell me more insight into self pity or I will not care that I feel sorry for myself sometimes. This feels like a fix me, get blessing out of hard times talk. I know it is in the process so I await more.
I have said this to you and those close to me before, you have helped me to stop wanting to be a Christian and to want to know Christ. I have come to expect that you will use your gift of seeing things from a different perspective to shake my faith. There are few who have done this in thirty plus years of following Christ, I truly pray that you will continue to do so. Thank you for your creative commitment to excellence. Promise me that there will be little self pity about my comments….
Timing is everything – thank you! This was something I definitely needed to hear and God is teaching me that every obstacle, every challenge, is there to build my character. It’s like Him asking, “well, now what are you going to do with it?” We can either run or we can face it, and if we face it, just like those muscles, we grow stronger.
Favorite line… we have to understand that the rain falls on the good and the bad, and crops only grow out of ground that has been rained upon.
Hope to see more writing like this from you:)
This break from your usual style sounds more like more of the Christian and self help books that are out there. I like how you usually write (the different ways that you usually write). They don’t sound like a sermon in church, and they don’t sound like Dr. Phil. I like the spirit behind what you’re writing here, but the words sound a bit more like those other books that I don’t buy, actually. I’m waiting for the “steps” to be presented. I don’t mean to be as insulting as this probably sounds.
i like it. it’s very forward and direct and often this is exactly what people need. thanks.
thanks for all the feedback! yeah, it’s a departure from my normal voice. actually, though, it’s my rough draft voice. usually i make a skeleton like this, then go over it and write in a personal narrative, reducing the editorial to a few lines. but for this book, and especially with younger men, i just wanted to stop beating around the bush. but maybe i need to beat around the bush. the self pity thing is huge with me because i think it makes people so miserable and i dont think they have to be. but if people can’t “hear” what i’m saying because of the way i am saying it, then it isn’t so great. okay, i have to take off. i won’t be around for a week, so comments will sit until i get back to add them. i think. i might have internet, but not sure. thanks again, everybody!!
Thanks, Don. I really needed that. I’ve been complaining about my job and bosses too much of late. And actually, it’s a great job in so many ways – I should be thankful every day that I still have a job that’s this good as there are so many people who are out of work now.
Thanks for sharing those encouraging words. It’s exactly what I needed to hear/read.
So great! I know negative feedback is better for improvement, but I think it’s really great!
After reading the comments, I wanted to add my ever-present 2 cents (again)…
I do agree, this is a different “voice” for you. But I do feel there can be a need for that at times. A jokester can’t (they could, but it would be annoying) joke 24/7. Sometimes you really need that jokester to shoot it straight for a moment.
You have a great gift at beating around the bush, yet somehow always (well that might be a strong word
)hitting the target…but sometimes, that kid who loves being around you just needs a 5 minute, arm around them, with a quiet, yet direct voice saying, “here’s the real deal…….” and now let’s go shoot some hoops.
A great dad or mom or mentor seems to hit you at lots of different levels. They are fun, playful, they listen, they cry, they talk, they pray, etc…They are real…I think you are just being real.
It is a 5 minute interlude before you crack some joke. You are planting a seed…not a garden. I on, the otherhand, am a gardener who talks way too much. I think I don’t have a single plant alive right now. Gosh, I need a bush to beat around….
ANYWAYS,
This summer, at Oak Hills you used the Josh Shipp portion in your “sermon”. I thought it was great. I’ve remembered it, and it gave me great perspective. Sometimes, we just need a little perspective to see the path that God has paved for us…a “better” path indeed.
This is obviously something so many of us need to be reminded of. If frustrates me too, to see people basically choosing to be miserable, when they absolutely don’t need to be, when there is so much more for them than that. And when I see it in myself, I want to just scream, get it out of my system, and move on! I have had a few of those moments today actually,
so, I can see myself just going outside and screaming. Not sure my housemates would know what to do with that.
I think it’s good to be straight forward. And if it’s written in this way, in the midst of your normal writing, I think it would perhaps hit the mark, and be received well.
I really hope you enjoy this time away, and your time with your friends. I’m sure you will.
Hope you’re having good time off.
As you must know, we get huge thunderstorms out in the midwest. I grew up further east, and for about 28 years of my life thought I knew about thunderstorms. I didn’t have a clue till I moved to the great plains.
I once got caught in one while driving out in the middle of nowhere. I’ll never forget seeing the sky filled with this huge, grey brick wall coming at me. I had to drive straight into it if I was going to get to my destination, so I drove as long as I could. But eventually the sheets of rain, blinding lightning and wind got the best of me and I had to pull off the road. So I waited till the thunderstorm passed over me. Then I turned the car on and got back on the road.
It never occurred to me to just sit there on the side of the road for a week or two. I was going somewhere. It would have done me no good and would only have wasted more time. And I would have missed what I was heading toward.
I think grief is acknowledging that storms sometimes are too strong; sometimes we have to stop. Grief is letting the storm rumble over us, and acknowledging that we can’t control everything. But when the storm passes, when we can, we get back on the road. Because we’re going somewhere.
I appreciated your workout analogy. These are good words, and I am grateful for your “rough draft voice” comment! I think we all have those inside us. There are many people, male and female, who need to hear a word like this. You’ve earned the right to preach a bit!
By all means, beat around the bush in instructive and innovative ways. That’s what makes going hunting for Truth any fun to begin with. I read everything you write, and download your stuff and so on. For me, you are not the “sage on the stage” guy, not the Yoda, not the Zen master. You are the uncle who’s been there, and tells it like it is without ever condescending or giving advice. The best sort of uncles or older mentor figures of this kind know from experience that people don’t do what you tell them to, and need to make their own choices, so all you can do is say “I know you’re going to do what you want to. I’ll just tell you about me and what worked and what didn’t work. It’s a pretty funny story, actually.”
In other words, I love it when you tell stories. They have power, and they stick. Being more vague and saying “I find that I” or “I think that people need to” just don’t hit home as hard as stories. I’ll bet in a more final draft this, it will be more of a story.
I wrote my first book this summer (a modern take on The Screwtape Letters). I did a first draft and got people to read it, but then all the colour, all the humour, and the character, story and more memorable, succinct but evocative stuff just poured in and I added it. Then I had to say “Here. I added a bunch more stuff to it.” It wasn’t a bunch more pages so much as more heart. There are many writers who have good ideas in their work. I like yours because of your spirit. You care, but you aren’t overly angry and mean in your writing. You are insightful, but you don’t develop a system or formula, nor do you get on one hobby horse and try to ride that one as the answer to (or problem with) everything. That’s what killed my ability to enjoy that guy with my name who makes the movies. Bowling For Columbine had heart and was stories and funny, while afterward he got increasingly one-note, shrill and bitter.
The Christian Church Industry, and the Self Help Industry already exist, and they don’t help me much. You are an exception, because you won’t fit the mold, and have that “Here, I’m your uncle and I want to tell you this thing” voice, even though I’m a year older than you are. Continue to be exceptional. When you have nothing new to say, say nothing. When you can’t think of how to express something, wait. When you want to do something different than what you’ve done so far, or that others are doing, do it. Just don’t let the systems eat you. We don’t want to lose you.
(I gotta admit, though they sometimes have good points, when you quote certain of your friends like Rick, I kinda hate them. I wouldn’t listen to those guys, outside your books, for a second, though I’ll listen to anything you were able to make of their apparently meddlesome nitpicking, which stirs you up and gets you thinking and acting.)
(In response to your comment) I don’t think you need to beat around the bush. I think you need to teach young men how to find the proverbial bird in the bush for themselves. Does that make sense?
I like your overall aim. A few suggestions for hitting the bull’s eye. Nix the following: always, never. They are often overgeneralizations, sounding overemotional, underlogical
Nix “have to”, an obligatory statement that communicates (disrespect) authoritarianism. Lead by example with personalized statements. For example: “I would be better off if my attitude was more like, man, that stinks,…”
You touch on processing pain, and I hope you have more on this in another chapter, because it’s so important to character growth yet often overlooked.
I just returned to life in the desert after three weeks in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I feel sorry for myself. Thanks for the reminder of how selfish and arrogant this makes me. I will read this again tomorrow.
Good word. Very needed for people of our generation.
Sweet essay.
Especially like this –
“Josh said you either get bitter or you get better … The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”
Too often humans want to put the blame somewhere else. And Christians often put the blame on God – “he must want me to go through this or feel this way, because he’s in control of everything.”
I want to say, “ah, every heard of free will/choice? Better or bitter, it’s up to you!”
Enjoy your trip Don!
Amen brother! Such a healthy attitude and stated in a very understandable and non-threatening way.
The hardships in life are opportunities to learn more about ourselves, not to blame others. They are opportunities to help us grow. We can’t control others, we can only control ourselves.
Very rational emotive behaviory – Albert Ellisy – I love it -
I think this is a great message for young men to hear–well, for all of us to hear, really.
It seems to me, though, in addition to feeling like we deserve better, there is a confidence issue at play too. Would you agree?
When a situation goes differently than planned, self-pity always seems to be the safer route, but in reality it opens a person up to a lot of other vices, etc. Allowing oneself to feel the pain of an event and actually work through the bloody mess of it, seems like the dangerous route. But, it is the route that brings the person closer to the heart and desire of God. So, the pain and suffering is actually the safer alternative. It’s weird how it defies human reason.
Have a nice vay-cay!
Don…Thanks for writing this essay. It was a good reminder of waking up one summer morning between my Freshman and Sophomore years of college and deciding to be thankful. You see, I was working at this horrible job for the whole summer and it was only June. Not too traumatic but I was wallowing in self pity. So one morning laying in bed I thought to myself, I could just choose to be thankful today and I did. It made all the difference. Sometimes things are more complicated than that but usually they aren’t. I needed to be reminded to choose thankfulness over self pity. Thanks for the reminder. Liked the writing style too…
I understand this is a rough draft and read your own comment, but would like to add the following -
Truly self-pitying people are VERY unhappy (e.g. people like your friend). In the manner you describe him, it is as if his only method of puffing himself up is to tear everyone and everything around him down. It is really a sort of pessimism and distrust of everything at a basic level. The career I pursued fresh out of college had me like this for a decent period of time until it evolved into a very clinical sort of depression.
I think we need to be careful when considering how to address this topic (as I said, I understand the rough draft nature). Going back to your friend, this sort of pity and distrust is often a product of a very rigid view of the world; of what it is and our rightful place in it.
In my own case, life eventually changed, but not from the sort of pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps sort of advice. Not at all. That lecture, for this type of person (as you alluded to in your comment) will fall on deaf ears.
The loosening of perceptions (who is “on my side,” what I am or am not, who I am, honestly evaluating one’s self) will come from thoughtful listening and honest mentoring. I doubt very much this tone would be used with mentees at TMP.
The snippy, self-pitying person feels very unloved, and needs assistance in redefining some life parameters and learning acceptance of self and others.
I don’t think anyone chooses to be miserable – that doesn’t make any sense. No one would make that selection if happiness were the other choice. The problem is what they believe is happiness is erroneously defined and that thing–whatever it is–is being denied. Like your flat tire example – I don’t think its necessarily an arrogance for feeling like you don’t deserve it, but, simply, a refusal to accept. Refusing to accept is the foundation of becoming unhappy.
One more thing –
I remember a story in one of your books about how you treated a guy you (or others maybe) didn’t like and how he lived up to those expectations. When you began showing consistent love toward him he changed. That nature, from a mentoring perspective, is what is needed for those stuck in pity. (And I’m not saying anyone has to listen to someone endlessly complain, but maybe the loving part is honest, thoughtful evaluation and feedback for the person, even if it may be difficult for that fragile psyche).
I think it needs editing, but what you’re communicating is powerful and true. I’d like to see it trimmed down and put in the context of some personal narrative. The section on exercise and emotions bothers me on two levels. It has a slight patronizing tone that I feel at various points. I think you’re too quick to assume I’m with you when you use “we” and “our.” Also, I don’t assume the exercise analogy applies here. Muscles become stronger after exercise tears them down, but don’t we often harden our hearts after emotional pain rather than becoming stronger? Something else is needed, like submission or acceptance, before the positive work begins. Your friend who got better, not bitter, must have embraced his painful past (submitted to God in it, accepted), and then he could remain tender while growing stronger.
Not only was it good, it was something I needed to read today. While going through counseling, I learned it’s ok to grieve; my issue is that I don’t know the boundary between grieving and self pity. Any insight on that thought would be much appreciated.
In other news, what the hell is “ourselve’s”?!!!!
Very well said! Something that God is teaching me. We gotta make lemonade right? I have a friend that always tells me to not take rejection personal, and the first time he told me this, my jaw dropped in self-pity…”But…I said, it hurts”. And it’s true, but it doesn’t change the situation. We have no control over situations, only how we react to them. I like this straightforward advice giving approach. Truth sometimes tastes good straight up.
I like the direct-ness! I read this earlier and found myself thinking about it throughout the evening. It is good advice for anyone, especially someone really trying to grow up, I think.
Great essay. Great comments. Great timing!
I think this is a great essay, and one that I certainly needed to read, even if it is your “rough draft voice”.
I’m sure you would never have guessed it…ha…but I tend toward self-pity now and then. I battle with depression anyway, and have since I was a child, but when I feel as though life has dealt me a difficult hand, it’s easy to fall into self-pity.
As a single mom who struggles to make ends meet most of the time, it’s hard for me not to ask why my son and I have to struggle so much just for the simple stuff.
I think, though, that you are right on about the “muscle building” that comes with taking life’s difficulties and letting them make us better people. I’ve done pretty well with that in the last few years, cancer and all. But when I think about my ex and all that happened, I tend toward anger, then self-pity.
Then comes the tough question…how did I end up with him? Yes, he saw my vulnerabilities, realizing I was still recovering from cancer and had been worn down by the struggle, and he ran with that. However, I made the choice to be with him in the first place, and to stay with him when I suspected he had a drinking problem, and to actually marry him. My ex is a batterer through and through, but…at least in the beginning…the choice to be with him was mine. Why?
Needless to say, there has been a lot of soul searching, re-opening of old wounds so they can heal again properly, really looking at the things about myself that I would rather not see. I’ve come to understand that, as difficult as it is to accept, I ended up with my ex because there were things about me that attracted a guy like him. As much as I was a victim, I also had some culpability in what happened.
Please understand, I am speaking only of my own situation. My disclaimer: I think domestic abuse is an abhorrent secret that our culture still works very hard to keep behind closed doors, much to the detriment of its victims. I think most women (and men) who are victims of domestic abuse are in positions of being powerless, because they have been robbed of their power by their abuser. The cycle of abuse is one that is usually broken only by the intervention of a third party who can empower the victim to leave the abuser, and protect herself, her children, and her future in the process.
That said…in my situation, I have to accept that ignored some HUGE red flags, and stayed with my him. Thankfully, I had family who helped me see the danger of my situation, and I was able to leave before things got worse. Still, that does not change the fact that I knew what I knew, and went forward anyway. Our first date was horrible, and yet I agreed to a second one. That was all me, not him. It doesn’t excuse what he did, not by a long shot, but it does mean I had some soul searching to do.
As Kristie alluded to, there is a balance between saying “This sucks, I’m hurting, that person hurt me,” etc…and falling into the trap of licking our injuries and perhaps wanting an audience of enabling friends as we do so.
When I find myself starting to wallow in self-pity (which happens at least once every couple of weeks), I don’t need enabling friends. I need friends who can speak the truth to me, which is usually along the lines of, “You’ve got a good life, and you were thrown a curve ball. You need to suck it up and deal with it.”
yep, i needed that. thanks don
Very good post. It totally feels good to feel sorry for yourself. Even crying alleviates so much. It’s a release.
The conservative Christian’s reaction to Obama-Care – http://tiny.cc/obamacare190
Bitter or Better, wow. I like how it implies that everyone has a choice to make when it comes to dealing with your own circumstance, God wants you to be better not bitter. You have to make that decision though for yourself, gotta love that free will muscle and all that comes with it.
Great thought! Loved the “get bitter or better” part. I also think that complaining is prevalent in Christianity, especially in church world, and I think you are right to say that almost always (if not always) it has more to do with a broken person desperately seeking attention than it has to do with legitimate need.
Thanks for doing what you do. It really stretches me.
I often connect well with your writings. I’m not sure why except that maybe you just speak my language.
I read “To own a dragon” and loved it and I am glad that you are adding to it. This essay is a very true perspective on the various forms of self-pity. I see myself in those words…which sucks, but I am in the stage now where I am trying to move on rather than feeling self-pity about my self-pity.
I hope that everything goes smoothly with the finishing of the re-release. Later.
You sound like a 12 step program sponsor – all you need is the rhyming catch-phrases. I can say that with some authority & no judgement, since I have one & am one. This is a topic with deal with in recovery very frequently & similarly & I think your content is right on. This is a good thing, but you have to keep in mind that people listen to sponsors because they are on the verge of despair or death & are so desperate to get better that they’ll listen to anyone.
People listen to you because they identify with you and you’re funny. While every bit of information in the above is excellant, only the people that are so desperate for help that they’ll go to any lengths or ones you already have built rapport with will be able to receive it easily.
Of course, there’s also a time not to be funny. I vote for beating around the bush a little more, but not entirely. It works for me with drunks, addicts & their kids, so teenage & young adult boys shouldn’t be too much more of a problem.
You & your work continue to be in my prayers. Thanks for what you do, Don.
Yesterday I had a revenge self-pity incident. Those are dangerous. Point is, someone offended me and I took it upon myself to give an attitude to this person who offended me. Not Christ like at all. This is almost like confession. Jesus was probably offended everyday of his teenage/adult life and I believe he treated those people well. I have to remember, His ways are not our ways.
I have only just recently discovered your books, and I devoured them like a starved orphan. I am deeply moved by you transparent dialogue (or monologue? It felt like dialogue) in BLJ. And SFGKW has rocked my world, as though you perfectly asserted and substantiated everything I never knew I always believed. It seems now like every conversation I have or scripture I read somehow finds it’s way back to the new portal of freedom and truth that is beyond the lifeboat.
Thanks for giving us permission to ask difficult questions and live outside of the institution. For the first time in a long while, I don’t feel as alone out there… Can’t wait for the new book.
-Sailor
Wow, some good angles that i’d never thought about before. I was always fond of pitying myself, and my reasoning was always, “well noone else is going to feel sorry for me, so I might as well.” And then I one day learned that it was an egotistical thing. You want to be noticed without having to say anything, so you wallow until someone notices. Also, it felt good to wallow in self-pity because it was the easier thing to do. Feeling sorry for myself requires no action on my part, but dealing with what it was that wronged me does.
As a christian, I have to constantly remind myself about the dangers of self-pity, for all of the reasons mentioned above (selfishness vs godliness, ineffectiveness vs discipleship, etc.), and that requires active responsibility on my part…
The topic is a good one, although it might be useful to address the line between “suck it up already” and stuffing negative emotions in an unhealthy manner. Unless you hand-deliver this essay to your self-pitying friends in need, you’re bound to have readers who fall on both sides of that spectrum.
What I have enjoyed about your other writing (and good writing in general) is the personal story element. It keeps things from sounding preachy or condescending. So I hope your final draft will reflect a more personal voice and be less dry and straightforward (don’t do this, do that, etc.). And because I’m a word nerd, I can’t help but notice the few grammar and punctuation issues. You are brave to show your rough drafts to the world! Keep at it.
Arrogance and self-pity. Not two concepts that I’ve ever heard of being put together… but it’s true. Thank you for the insight. I have always appreciated your words and they have encouraged me and challenged both my thinking and my actions many times. Keep unlocking the mysteries of the kingdom.
Thanks.
Hm, I understand the basic concept of what you’re trying to communicate and I do agree to a point. I grew up near Houston and attended a Southern Baptist church in the 1980s. I’ve heard this my whole life and sometimes the advice is timely and fitting, as it was for many people who commented.
But I have to be honest and say that for years I took that advice to the extreme and used it to minimize the pain and trauma of childhood sexual abuse. I knew that bad and even worse things happened all the time, to the just and unjust. I understood that I could “get better or bitter”. If you met me today you would never know the trauma I endured, I have an excellent job, I am smart, kind, compassionate, active in my community – all of the things that seem successful to those who do not know me. I was a BSF leader for several years, I sang with on my church’s worship team, I went on many mission trips, and I currently teach English to refugees. I love all of it and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But the one thing I wish I had done sooner was give myself a pity party. As arrogant as it sounds I DID and still do deserve better than I received and I must grieve what was lost in order to continue healing the very old wounds. I’m not interested in being a victim so I won’t stay in this place, but I can no longer pretend that the bad things that happened didn’t cost me dearly.
Maybe you should just issue a disclaimer with the essay. It is okay to feel bad as long as we lift our eyes and hearts to the Redeemer. As you know, young, fatherless boys have a very tough road to travel, and while you don’t want to give them permission to give up and live in a cycle of whining (because yes, that is EXTREMELY annoying!) neither do you want to make them feel that they cannot own the pain that they feel or grieve the things they’ve lost, because they did deserve an earthly father.
Blessings!
[...] hold onto truth right now and not wallow in self-pity. Today on his blog Donald Miller posted an essay about self-pity. How timely! It wasn’t really anything new but I need to be reminded of those [...]
Right on, Don. My favorite thing to tell people is “you’ve got the power”. Definitely sad to see so many people giving it away by blaming and complaining.