01Jan, 2010

Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions

I’ve written my goals for the year: to eat healthy and exercise, to pay down my home, and to dig deeper into friendships. But while those are great ambitions, if I left them as just ambitions, or resolutions, chances are I wouldn’t get them done. Most people don’t stick with their new-years resolutions. But it’s not because they lack the resolve. It’s because their goals aren’t embedded in the context of a narrative.

I’ve discovered something better than resolutions. If you’ve read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, you know I’ve reorganized my life into stories rather than goals. I don’t have any problem with goals. I like goals and still set them. But without an overarching plot, goals don’t make sense and are hard to achieve. A story gives a goal a narrative context that forces you to engage and follow through. People who are in great shape and have their finances in order probably don’t set goals to be in good shape or get their finances in order. They probably set goals of running a marathon or paying off their house. In other words, they think in narrative rather than goals. The goals get met in the journey of the story.

actsA story involves a person that wants something and is willing to overcome conflict to get it. If you plan a story this year, instead of just simple goals, your life will be more exciting, more meaningful and more memorable. And you are much more likely to stick to your goals. For instance, rather than saying I want to finish getting into shape this year, I’ve written down that I want to climb Mt. Hood with a couple friends. I have a vision of standing on top of the mountain in May, taking pictures and all that. Now my goal has a narrative context. That’s just a simple story, and I’ve planned some stories that are far more difficult but I only use that as an example. If my goal were to lose twenty pounds, I doubt I’d stick with it. But when you have friends flying up from Texas to summit the mountain with you, you’d better believe you are going to be hitting the stairs. I have to, because it I don’t, my story will be a tragedy. Again, stories give goals context.

So here are a few tips on planning a story for 2010:

1.Want something. In a story, the character wants something. Rudy wants to play football at Notre Dame, Harry wants Sally, Frodo wants to destroy the ring and so on. It’s true in every story, or else a story doesn’t make sense. If we don’t want something in our lives, our stories feel boring, long, meaningless and tired. We feel this way because we are sitting in the theater of our mind watching a story that isn’t getting started. Or worse, we are praying and asking God to give us a story while the entire time God is handing us a pen, telling us to write it ourselves. That’s why he gave us a will. So spend some time thinking about what you want with the year. Do you want to pay down the house, get into shape, deepen a relationship? Make your ambition clear and focussed. Choose two or three dominant desires and write them down.

HoodHogsback259k.JPG2. Envision a climactic scene. Screenwriters often begin their story with the end in mind. They know their entire movie is heading toward that scene where Frodo throws the ring into the fire. And they write the movie to get him there. My climactic scene will be (God willing) standing on top of Mt. Hood. So I automatically know the hundreds of scenes that are going to lead up to that climax. I know there will have to be scenes hiking in the gorge, riding my bike, eating well, spending time at high altitude, accumulating gear and so forth. If you’re goals are relational (I highly recommend half your goals be relational, because relational stories are the most fulfilling) you might envision you and your wife renewing your vows, or you and your son refurbishing a car together. Once you have that climactic scene in mind, you’ll know the scenes it takes to get there. Also, write this stuff down. Even if you just throw it away, write down what that climactic scene looks like, smells like and feels like. It will get in your brain and like a good protagonist in a great movie, you’ll wake every day knowing what you are supposed to do with your time.

taken-liam-neeson-323. Create an Inciting Incident. Characters don’t want to change. That’s why so many new-years resolutions fail. We write down that we want to lose twenty pounds and end up gaining ten. It happens every year. What we are overlooking is a principle that every good screenwriter knows: Characters don’t change without being forced to change. An inciting incident is the event in a movie that causes upheaval in the protagonist life. The protagonist, then, naturally seeks to return to stability. And in order to do that, he HAS to solve his new problem. In Taken, Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped and he MUST find her. In The Grapes of Wrath, the dust bowl forces the Joad family west. Characters must be pressured to change, or they won’t. And a narrative context can help. For instance, with my wrapping up my fitness goals (I’ve now lost well over 100 pounds, but have definitely taken the year off to just have fun, so it’s time to get back on it) I decided to climb Mt. Hood. But that isn’t enough. An inciting incident has to force me to climb Mt. Hood, so I contacted my friend Brandon Bargo in Austin and for the last couple months we’ve been talking about what it will take. We will also, hopefully, be climbing St. Helens and Adams that same month, so I’m going to have to be in really great shape. If I don’t, there’s a social consequence. I will let my buddy down, and I’ll also look like an idiot in front of all of you guys. So bringing a friend into the mix, and going public with my ambition serves as an inciting incident. Other inciting incidents might be signing up with friends for a marathon, joining a kick-boxing class, inviting friends to dinner every Sunday, writing an I’m Sorry letter to an old friend, buying an engagement ring, writing a check to a ministry, whatever…just something that forces you to move.

That should get you started, at least. Want something, imagine a climactic scene and create an inciting incident. And do it this week. Don’t wait. I created mine in November so I could get an early start.

I don’t know very many writers who love the actual act of writing. We will do anything to avoid work. But because we have to pay our bills, at some point every day a good writer sits down to do his/her work. And it’s no different when you’re living a good story. I doubt I am going to want to run stairs every day, but the truth is I have to. And I’m not going to want to eat right, either. But I have to. I’m not trying to make the whole thing sound grim. Living a good story is a lot of fun, but it can also be difficult and boring. But when it’s done, when you’ve renewed your vows or climbed a mountain, you’ll look back on one of the most rich and fulfilling years of your life, filled with scenes of difficulty and conflict, of beauty and sacrifice. The year will feel twice as long, because anything that isn’t a story is quickly forgotten by the brain, and your entire year will have been a story.

There’s a lot more to telling a good story with your life. I explore these ideas in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. The book is available at your local bookstore, or your favorite online vendor. Good luck living a great story in 2010!

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172 Responses to “Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions”

  1. [...] wants something, states best-selling author and all-around cool guy Donald Miller. In his post on an alternative to New Year’s resolutions he says [...]

  2. [...] Posted in Uncategorized by adamtrest on January 30, 2010 Last week I read a post by Donald Miller on his blog all about his take on New Years Resolutions, and just like him, I have never taken any [...]

  3. [...] Church this year we decided to take a different approach.  Influenced by a post by Donald Miller, (CLICK HERE to see that post)  we laid out our goals in story. Story puts heart and soul in your goals.  So last week at All [...]

  4. [...] For the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about the elements of telling a great story with your life, based on best-selling author Don Miller’s New Year’s Resolution post. [...]

  5. [...] Read Don Miller’s wonderful posts on an alternative to New Year’s resolutions here. [...]

  6. I wanted to tell my girl I loved her on Valentines day, but I wasn’t sure I could getup the nerve to do it. I knew I loved her, its just that saying is a pretty big step. So you know what I did? I remembered this blog post and I painted “I love You” on the gift I was going to give her so that I had to tell her. I created an “Inciting Incident”.
    So I told her before I gave the gift and it ended up being one of the best nights I have ever had.
    Thanks for sharing your wisdom and thoughts Don.

  7. [...] Blue Like Jazz, etc., new books called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. We read an entry from Miller’s blog, “Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions” that focused on the [...]

  8. Leslie says:

    OK, so I know I want to live a better story, for myself and for my children. What I don’t know is exactly HOW to do that. I work 5 days a week, full time, from 8am to 5pm. I live from paycheck to paycheck, so it’s not like I can just take off on a bike trip from one end of the country to another, or take off to Macchu Piccu. How do you create these stories while also working for someone else all day long? How do you make friends when you have kids and you know your ex will never allow you to be happy? I’m just not sure how to apply this concept to MY life the way it stands right now.

    I know my life is mediocre and I am NOT happy with that, but I honestly don’t know what I can do within my circumstance to change things. I feel like I need to hear from God, but I know he’s telling me “I give you a blank page every day, write on it!” I want to create memorable scenes and live a great story, but I just don’t know where to start and I’m so frustrated. I have a friend who actually said, “don’t call me or text me until you DO SOMETHING different to change your life.” I guess it will be a while before I talk to her!

    In the meantime, for my children, they are being shuffled from my apartment to their Dad’s house to their Grandparent’s house. They have no stability. They have zero respect for me because all they have ever seen is their Dad disrespect and verbally abuse me. I am thankful they never really saw him physically abuse me, but children aren’t stupid, they know what’s going on. I am frightened that I am going to lose my boys to something dark. I am scared that, to paraphrase Don, I am going to lose them to whatever it is that is not God that doesn’t want us to live good stories.

    In the meantime, for me, the years are flying by. When I was 39 I promised myself things would be different by the time I was 40. I’ll be 41 in September and NOTHING is any different. I know some general things that I want – a new job, someone to love and love me back, but that’s really about it. I have no idea how to get specific. I have no idea how to face the conflict, much less overcome it. My Christian friends tell me that God wants me to be alone, that I need to embrace that. Well, I have embraced it and quite frankly, it scares me how much I’m starting to enjoy being alone. I am terrified that I’ll become used to the lonliness to the point that I’ll begin to push people away. Honestly, I think maybe I already have started to do that. Sometimes it seems too hard to make friends and build relationships and I let the darkness take over. I’m just going through the motions. I don’t want to be this way, but I have no idea what to do to change things.

    When it’s my time to go to Heaven, I want to have a lot of really good stories to talk to God about.

    • Kaitlyn says:

      Hi Leslie,

      I just read your entire comment, you sound like an incredibly hard working woman who wants to live a better story for herself and her family and i just feel inclined to respond:

      First of all did you know that our happiness and well being only correlates by 10% to our circumstances? literally. So that means when you get a new job, or have time off, or find a good partner to have in your life or your kids begin to respect you that your happiness will only shift up 10%. basically what im saying is that even the things we sometimes think will fix everything and make our life one big rainbow with a pot of gold, often don’t change us personally unless we make an intentional conscious effort to see ourselves differently and put on attitudes that don’t (logically, i suppose) reflect our circumstances.
      I have been learning that when we choose to see more than just our 9-5 jobs, our crabby boss or the bills on the kitchen counter, when we choose to reach beyond the mundane and instead recognize the sacred in life, in our jobs, the beauty that can be found in every image-bearer we are choosing better stories, because how we choose to look at and percieve our lives and other people directly affects how vibrant our lives are!
      So choose to celebrate your children, your job, your apartment and I think when that happens a change in ones story takes place. When we choose to be thankful for what we have and celebrate the little things in life it leaves us more creative with a yearning for more vibrancy, which means you get to enjoy that simple dinner with a good friend just a little more, and you get to learn how to cook something fun and new with your children in the kitchen or take up painting or hiking with those beautiful kids God blessed you with.
      But most of all, when we choose to shift the way we look at things, when we put on attitudes of hope and celebration we are no longer victims, we are in control of our thoughts which means no one can pity us and we cant pity ourselves. The only cure to fear is action, and sometimes action simply means taking captive our thoughts and from those choosing a better story.

      Take it or leave it but know that you, Leslie, are loved by the creator of this beautiful universe and that he calls us into abundant life! Jesus, who was homeless, had no material possesions and was betrayed and denied by his best friends yet he LIVED ABUNDANTLY and calls us into the same, yes, even in the midst of all this suffering and brokeness, we can choose beauty and celebration and hope!!

  9. [...] I was thinking of what to put down, I stumbled across another post by Miller, one that he had written about reorganizing our lives into stories, rather than [...]

  10. [...] Although he occasionally breaks into long update streams about NASCAR or hockey and it makes me wish Twitter had a built-in capability to momentarily block specific users, Kevin is an example of what makes Twitter good. So good, in fact, he was able to turn his tiny updates from the past few years into a full-fledged book called Addition by Adoption. Accompanied only by short introductions, the book is entirely constructed out of his Twitter updates. Sound boring? Incredibly it’s not, and what the book reveals is an evolving story of a family in the middle of adopting a child from Ethiopia. The tweets are brief, but they really show how a family grows and adapts through the adoption process and how their worldview gets wrecked as a result. What I like most about the book (besides being an easy read) is that it really captures the spirit of what Donald Miller means when he talks about being able to live a better story. [...]

  11. [...] so I used his speaking time to nose around his blog. A number of his posts were awesome, but his 1 January, 2010 post seemed especially awesome to [...]

  12. [...] Using social media needs to be the same way. Before you start, decide where you want to end up, and plan a story according to that end goal. What makes a good story? What do you want to tell people you accomplished? Is it a story worth reading? (Read this blog post from Donald Miller) [...]

  13. [...] Using social media needs to be the same way. Before you start, decide where you want to end up, and plan a story according to that end goal. What makes a good story? What do you want to tell people you accomplished? Is it a story worth reading? (Read this blog post from Donald Miller) [...]

  14. [...] Then ‘Ua found this cool study done at our alma mater (go, Cardinal), about how “raising the students’ awareness of environmental and social issues” connected to food positively affects their eating habits much more than standard nutritional approaches.  More fruits and veggies, less processed food stuff…  It reminds me of these two posts about the importance of story and narrative to connect with our deepest drives, fueling habits that help us live richly and rightly – with our kids and with ourselves. [...]

  15. [...] months later, 100 pounds lighter, and a head full of Donald Miller’s ideas on Story, I met Venture Expeditions and joined a team to climb Kilimanjaro. Why? Well maybe it has something [...]

  16. [...] his blog. Here are several of his entries on telling your story well. Can I Tell You a Story?  Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions    Writing a Storyline, An Alternative to the Mission [...]

  17. [...]  This quote reminded me of a blog post and book by Donald Miller.  Miller blogged about Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions where he fleshed out practically one of the great concepts in his book A Million Miles in A [...]

  18. this is really nice and interesting. I love it. Thanks and keep up the good work. Nice baby tips!

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