A friend left her copy of Scientific American Mind at the house last night, and this months issue is about, well, love. Being February and all the eggheads at S/A wanted to put love under a microscope.
The articles contain all sorts of data about what it takes to fall in love and maintain love. Turns out eye contact is important, for instance, and something called secret swapping and unified breathing experiments (which explains why I have a crush on everybody in my yoga class). But most interesting to me was the article on the characteristics of married couples who stay together long-term. What’s the main characteristic? It’s positivity.
I spoke this past weekend at a mens conference with Bill Perkins. After the conference, Bill introduced me to his wife of some twenty years. Dr. John Sowers was there and asked what the secret to a happy marriage was, and Bill confessed that when they got married they were fairly naive, but he did say that the dominant thing he wanted in a mate was a positive attitude. Actually, the way Bill said it was “I didn’t want to be married to a melancholic” (I thought he meant a girl with itchy skin, but it’s actually another way of saying she’s always sad. Itchy girls are not always sad, I suppose.) And it turns out Bill may not have been so naive at all. A positive attitude turns out to be pretty important.
The article, entitled The Happy Couple, Suzann Pileggi states that how your mate responds to good news is as important, if not more important, than how well they support you when times are difficult. “In the past few years” Pileggi says “positive psychology researchers have discovered that thriving couples accentuate the positive in life more than those who stay together unhappily or split do. They not only cope well during hardship but also celebrate the happy moments and work to build more bright points into their lives.”
As a single man, I found this research sad. (I had to throw that joke in there. Come on, the humor is in the irony, get it?)
Anyway, the article contained a little test to tell how happy you are and thus how suitable you may be for a long-term relationship (or at least how suitable your half of the relationship is). I thought I’d reprint it here for your amusement:
Instructions:
Using the scale below, indidcate the greatest degree to which you have experienced each of the following emotions during the previous 24 hours.
0 = Not at all
1= A little bit
2 = Moderately
3 = Quite a bit
4 = Extremely
_1 What is the most amused, fun loving or silly you felt?
_2 What is the most angry, irritated or annoyed you felt?
_3 What is the most ashamed, humiliated or disgraced you felt?
_4. What is the most awe, wonder of amazement you felt?
_5. What is the most contemptuous, scornful or disdainful you felt?
_6. What is the msot disgust, distaste or revulsion you felt?
_7. What is the most embarrassed, self-conscious or blushing you felt?
_8. What is the most grateful, appreciative or thankful you felt?
_9. What is the most guilty, repentant or blameworthy you felt?
_10. What is the most hate, distrust or suspicion you felt?
_11. What is the most hopeful, optimistic or encouraged you felt?
_ 12. What is the msot inspired, uplifted or elevated you felt?
_13. What is the most interested, alert or curious you felt?
_14. What is the most joyful, glad or happy you felt?
_15. What is the most love, closeness or trust you felt?
_16. What is the most proud, confident or self-assured you felt?
_17. What is the most sad, downhearted or unhappy you felt?
_18. What is the most scared, fearful or afraid you felt?
_19. What is the most serene, content or peaceful you felt?
_20. What is the most stressed, nervous or overwhelmed you felt?
Scoring:
Circle questions 1, 4, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 19 and then underline questions 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 17, 18 and 20. Count the number of circled (positivity) questions you rated 2 or higher and the number of underlined (negativity) questions you scored 1 or higher. Divide your positivity tally by your negativity tally. (If your negativity tally is zero, replace it with 1. The result represents your positivity ratio for today.
If you scored below 3:1. as more than 80% of Americans do, you may be able to raise that ration with exercises recommended in this article and in Fredrickson’s book, Positivity. Because this test provides a mere snapshot of your feelings during the previous 24 hours, you may also want to repeat it nightly for two weeks to gain a more reliable assesment of your positivity ration.
So there you go. Remember, 80% of Americans scored below the hopeful 3:1. I consider myself a very optimistic person, but was surprised I scored below that ratio. Drats! (Oops, I just dropped a notch! And now another!!! Somebody stop me!)
In all seriousness, though, our positivity dramatically affects everything, especially relationships. Here are some things I’ve learned that help me be more positive:
1. Being negative is cheating the system: There are very real victims in the world, but there’s nothing more annoying than a victim who, well, isn’t really a victim. When I think of myself as a victim, I’ve realized it’s more about bringing attention to myself than it is about taking responsibility for my life. It’s like being a kid in a race and realizing about fifty paces from the finish you’re not going to win. Suddenly, your mind begins racing with excuses and negative self talk. But all of that is just a coping mechanism. What we really should be thinking is: I take responsibility for my part in this situation, I’m humbled by it but intend to learn from it. I’m grateful this experience has pointed out some things that need to change. I came to the realization that if I’m negative, it’s because I want to be negative. I’m getting something from it. Either I’m getting attention or I’m making excuses. I don’t have to try as hard because something is wrong with me. In other words, my negativity wasn’t happening to me, I was willingly participating to get out of the responsibility I have to govern my life. Ouch.
2. I try not to voice my negativity: Just because I think it doesn’t mean I need to say it. We all have negative thoughts. We all feel sorry for ourselves, but when we bring those thoughts up too often , we can become a burden. Some of us may do this so often we wouldn’t know how to stop. We think: If I’m not a victim, people will leave me. Actually, that’s a lie. The truth is, people have already left because we keep playing the victim card. Victims don’t attract strong friends, they attract predators, and further their victim cycle. Strength and positivity attracts strength and positivity. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be open or vulnerable. There are times, without question, to unload. But just imagine having a backpack full of bricks. If you need somebody to help carry some of your weight, by all means ask. But remember, they have weight to carry too, and even though they love you, there is only so much they are capable of.
3. Understand there’s really not that much to be upset about: This is an old lesson I learned years ago from a Norman Vincent Peale book. He said when you are worried about something, stop and imagine the worst case scenario. What would happen? Would you lose your job, your health? Probably not, but if so, think about what you would do if that did happen? The truth is, even if the worst happened, life wouldn’t be as bad as you think, so stop worrying.
4. Understand how great life already is. I had a great interview with Henry Cloud recently, and he said that our circumstance only affects 20% of our happiness. That means our money, our stuff, our job only affects our happiness level 20%, and yet that’s the stuff we worry about. I was so afraid to turn 30 (8 years ago) and still be single, and now I am looking at 40 in a couple years and feel that same old fear. But the truth is, my 30′s have been the greatest years of my life. There have been one or two rough years, but overall it’s been Disneyland. The sad (or happy) truth is, if I never got married, I’d be more happy than the overwhelming majority of married people I know. (That’s not a blow on marriage, it’s just a statement about how little circumstance has to do with emotional health).
So, after scoring lower than 3:1, I’ve got a bit of work to do. But what I liked about this article in Scientific American Mind is that it gives us reason and license to be more happy. Heck, our marriages may depend on it. So cheer up!
My cousin just showed me this entry as it relates to my latest web log entry (http://donmilleris.com/2010/02/01/the-key-to-lasting-love-may-surprise-you/) and it made me so happy! Thanks for seeing the side of things not many see: the bright side. It’s there and always will be, as long as you are looking!
~Kerri
I read this post yesterday and have been thinking about it quite a bit. I took the quiz today and I’m not so good with math. Before doing the division I had 10 positive and 3 negative. Does that make me 3.3:1? It would be nearly impossible Not to have a high score today. I mean, yesterday I became DEBT FREE at 36 years old and last night was the Season Premiere of LOST. Need I say more? It was a day for the record books. Of course, today I am home with an excruciatingly painful headache but I get to sip latte’s and cuddle in blankets so I’m still feeling that I have the upper hand.
This is a far cry from where I was just a few months ago. You know this. You watched me weep for the loss of my brother-in-law. You saw me stress about a guy who wasn’t into me (I let him go, btw. Good advice!). Life sucked and I thought God was a jerk.
I hated being that way. I hate it when life really does a number on me. I got on my own nerves. And that’s what I’ve been thinking about since I read this last night.
The article is right about being positive. I know that I steer clear of negative people, on purpose. They are energy vampires. There’s that question to measure how positive a person is, “Is their glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?” And I can think of a handful of people who would argue that THEY WERE NEVER GIVEN A GLASS. There is not an ounce of positive energy in them and this affects my relationship with them. So, it’s easy to see how that would also affect a more intimate relationship like, oh say, marriage.
The real question I have is this: did the article say what to do once you’ve made eye contact? I was waiting to hear more about that. I may or may not be in that stage right now…
I got called “negative” today for expressing consternation that a sales rep showed up at my work and wanted us all to listen to her speak about something we didn’t want for 2 hours when we have a major deadline today. I’m not sure that was negative. Sometimes if you neutrally state the truth, people will say it’s negative because they call “negative” anything they don’t like the sound of. Can I get an “amen!”?
Don, thanks to your joke I got to score a little higher than I would have otherwise – much appreciated. Didn’t make the positive cut, however…
I am getting better lately at exclaiming “whoops” instead of “crap!” That’s gotta be progress, right?
Haven’t read through the 55 comments on this post yet, but I think Dr Cloud may have the figures wrong: it’s 50% heredity or ‘set point’, 10% circumstances, 40% what you do with your head (ie intentional activity). See, eg. The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. But I question the 10%/40% split – seems to me she mixes up circumstances and the intentional activity stuff – your circumstances can have a huge influence on what sort of intentional activities you can manage. But maybe I’m just being negative about all this positivity research.
Another book to check out: Barbara Ehrenreich’s new one on positive psychology. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer, but I think it can be dangerous and hurtful if it means people are blamed for their circumstances without understanding them as an individual.
I can see the sense in being positive and how good this is for a marriage, or any relationship. But not at the expense of being truthful. I don’t believe in putting on a happy face, eg. if something is wrong and needs resolving. On the other hand, I think people have a responsibility to eg. get their depression treated if it negatively impacts on a relationshp. Too many people are hostile to proper treatment for depression, and drag their relationshps down. Yeah, I can say this, coz I get depressed!! I’ve been making a conscious effort to look on the bright side lately, not in a Pollyanna other planet sense, but just trying to be, like Jackson Browne’s song ‘Just Say Yeah’, someone you want to be with when you’re feeling good. But I’ll also be there when my friends are feeling crap, too.
Good post, Mr Miller
I am so happy to be reading this today….I have just discovered your blog but have been a fan of your writing for a long time. I am happy to be reading this today because the past 14 months of my marriage should have destroyed it. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. We have been through so much as a couple and family, but in this time of recovery I have found that God has shaped us beyond our imagination. My heart has grown in places I never knew existed and I have become soft and bendable. Our children are healing from ten years of dysfunction and I can actually look at our marriage now as such an amazing gift. I wouldn’t change any of the hurts and pulls and tears…..it led me to know my husband and love him and eventually SEE him the way God sees him. Our marriage has scars, but they are our scars. Love is so much more than agreeing…..it is agreeing to love the way God loves us. Thank you for your posts:)
[...] also related news, Don Miller says I should be positive so I can manipulate somebody into loving me. He’s seriously morphing into Joel Osteen. And yes, my sarcastic tone in this paragraph [...]
Hey, Don (excuse the familiarity) -
Great post. I appreciate your words. I’ve been a fan of your writing for a long time, and I absolutely love your sense of humor.
This was a good post for me to read at this time. I don’t want to spill my guts on the details, but I tend to be an emotionally-based coper rather than a problem-focused one, and I have been trying to change that recently. My girlfriend and I have been in a (mostly) happy and positive relationship for nearly five years now, and this post is making me think that it might be because we’ve been pretty successful at being positive and not dumping too much on each other. I think that it’s easy to confuse dumping with communicating sometimes. That being said, however, I’d hate for you or I or anyone reading this post to go in the other direction – confusing not communicating with not dumping. In my opinion, it’s a matter of boundaries. I think it’s important at times for people to talk things out. The problem happens when we confuse passing on our emotions with passing on our ideas to one another.
Also, I TOTALLY agree with that negativity is not something that happens to us, but I would go further than saying that it’s something you’re participating in. Try thinking of it as something you’re DOING – i.e. you’re negativizing or negativing. That will help force your thinking into taking responsibility. If you get a chance, check out some stuff on Reality Therapy by William Glasser.
Thanks again for the post. Let’s drink to filling your glass to at least half full (some ironic humor for you, sir).
- Ross Donaldson
Although I’m a science geek and read Scientific American regularly, I’m always suspicious of trying to measure the unmeasurable. This article is a good example. I’ve been married to an extremely negative man for 32 years. I lack good sense, therefore I’m a hopeless optimist and always see the bright side of things. I have no clue why our marriage has lasted so long, or why it’s been such an enjoyable journey. A good marriage can be like a frog–dissect it and it’s dead. We’ve had exactly four arguments in our time together, probably because he thinks what’s the use, and I think it will all work out in time. The first argument was over pancakes and how thin or thick they should be. Can’t remember the other three.
Unfortunately, our daughter picked up his negativity. When she got old enough to be responsible for her own feelings and couldn’t nail them on me, I told the two of them I really didn’t want to hear all this negative talk in the house, and as long as we were on the subject of no-nos, I wanted all the gossip to stop, too. That didn’t last long because it was too quiet and they were both pouting. For some reason, being negative gives them both a positive thrill. Who am I to step on somebody’s good time?
I’ve had Fredrickson’s book since it was published but haven’t read it. I mean, what’s the use;-) But now you’ve sparked my curiosity.
Love your writing, your candor, your humor, and just the way you think without boundaries, then record your thoughts without fear. Thanks for being a ray of light.
Cyd Madsen
P.S. Who cares if the glass is half empty or half full? If you’re thirsty, just drink it.
Cyd Madsen:
Interesting take on accepting negativity. I liked this – so I had to comment on your “comment.”
Hi,
As a recently divorced woman, I found this article to be a victory for me! We constantly argued because of me being the eternal optimist and he was incredibly pessimistic. My life has been stripped bare. It is amazing how freeing it is to “lose it all”!
Your book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years was recommended by my Life Coach/Spiritual Guide. I cannot express what an inspiration your story has had on me. Through these hard times, I am getting a fresh start and a new story! Thank you for being so transparent and allowing God to use your life to encourage and challenge others!
Bessie
awesome blog! I’ve actually appreciated it!
I acknowledge that asking this question on your web log might be unethical but I suppose my girl is unfaithful on me. U know, getting home late from work, been out with the lady friends all the time. Washing Out the clothes as soon as she gets home. We don’t even get laid any longer Do you hombres have any points as to how I could acquire the the true?
id start by asking. but id also start seeing a counselor if you can. they might help you walk through either what is actually happening, or help you deal with the reasons for the questions…