A friend left her copy of Scientific American Mind at the house last night, and this months issue is about, well, love. Being February and all the eggheads at S/A wanted to put love under a microscope.
The articles contain all sorts of data about what it takes to fall in love and maintain love. Turns out eye contact is important, for instance, and something called secret swapping and unified breathing experiments (which explains why I have a crush on everybody in my yoga class). But most interesting to me was the article on the characteristics of married couples who stay together long-term. What’s the main characteristic? It’s positivity.
I spoke this past weekend at a mens conference with Bill Perkins. After the conference, Bill introduced me to his wife of some twenty years. Dr. John Sowers was there and asked what the secret to a happy marriage was, and Bill confessed that when they got married they were fairly naive, but he did say that the dominant thing he wanted in a mate was a positive attitude. Actually, the way Bill said it was “I didn’t want to be married to a melancholic” (I thought he meant a girl with itchy skin, but it’s actually another way of saying she’s always sad. Itchy girls are not always sad, I suppose.) And it turns out Bill may not have been so naive at all. A positive attitude turns out to be pretty important.
The article, entitled The Happy Couple, Suzann Pileggi states that how your mate responds to good news is as important, if not more important, than how well they support you when times are difficult. “In the past few years” Pileggi says “positive psychology researchers have discovered that thriving couples accentuate the positive in life more than those who stay together unhappily or split do. They not only cope well during hardship but also celebrate the happy moments and work to build more bright points into their lives.”
As a single man, I found this research sad. (I had to throw that joke in there. Come on, the humor is in the irony, get it?)
Anyway, the article contained a little test to tell how happy you are and thus how suitable you may be for a long-term relationship (or at least how suitable your half of the relationship is). I thought I’d reprint it here for your amusement:
Instructions:
Using the scale below, indidcate the greatest degree to which you have experienced each of the following emotions during the previous 24 hours.
0 = Not at all
1= A little bit
2 = Moderately
3 = Quite a bit
4 = Extremely
_1 What is the most amused, fun loving or silly you felt?
_2 What is the most angry, irritated or annoyed you felt?
_3 What is the most ashamed, humiliated or disgraced you felt?
_4. What is the most awe, wonder of amazement you felt?
_5. What is the most contemptuous, scornful or disdainful you felt?
_6. What is the msot disgust, distaste or revulsion you felt?
_7. What is the most embarrassed, self-conscious or blushing you felt?
_8. What is the most grateful, appreciative or thankful you felt?
_9. What is the most guilty, repentant or blameworthy you felt?
_10. What is the most hate, distrust or suspicion you felt?
_11. What is the most hopeful, optimistic or encouraged you felt?
_ 12. What is the msot inspired, uplifted or elevated you felt?
_13. What is the most interested, alert or curious you felt?
_14. What is the most joyful, glad or happy you felt?
_15. What is the most love, closeness or trust you felt?
_16. What is the most proud, confident or self-assured you felt?
_17. What is the most sad, downhearted or unhappy you felt?
_18. What is the most scared, fearful or afraid you felt?
_19. What is the most serene, content or peaceful you felt?
_20. What is the most stressed, nervous or overwhelmed you felt?
Scoring:
Circle questions 1, 4, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 19 and then underline questions 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 17, 18 and 20. Count the number of circled (positivity) questions you rated 2 or higher and the number of underlined (negativity) questions you scored 1 or higher. Divide your positivity tally by your negativity tally. (If your negativity tally is zero, replace it with 1. The result represents your positivity ratio for today.
If you scored below 3:1. as more than 80% of Americans do, you may be able to raise that ration with exercises recommended in this article and in Fredrickson’s book, Positivity. Because this test provides a mere snapshot of your feelings during the previous 24 hours, you may also want to repeat it nightly for two weeks to gain a more reliable assesment of your positivity ration.
So there you go. Remember, 80% of Americans scored below the hopeful 3:1. I consider myself a very optimistic person, but was surprised I scored below that ratio. Drats! (Oops, I just dropped a notch! And now another!!! Somebody stop me!)
In all seriousness, though, our positivity dramatically affects everything, especially relationships. Here are some things I’ve learned that help me be more positive:
1. Being negative is cheating the system: There are very real victims in the world, but there’s nothing more annoying than a victim who, well, isn’t really a victim. When I think of myself as a victim, I’ve realized it’s more about bringing attention to myself than it is about taking responsibility for my life. It’s like being a kid in a race and realizing about fifty paces from the finish you’re not going to win. Suddenly, your mind begins racing with excuses and negative self talk. But all of that is just a coping mechanism. What we really should be thinking is: I take responsibility for my part in this situation, I’m humbled by it but intend to learn from it. I’m grateful this experience has pointed out some things that need to change. I came to the realization that if I’m negative, it’s because I want to be negative. I’m getting something from it. Either I’m getting attention or I’m making excuses. I don’t have to try as hard because something is wrong with me. In other words, my negativity wasn’t happening to me, I was willingly participating to get out of the responsibility I have to govern my life. Ouch.
2. I try not to voice my negativity: Just because I think it doesn’t mean I need to say it. We all have negative thoughts. We all feel sorry for ourselves, but when we bring those thoughts up too often , we can become a burden. Some of us may do this so often we wouldn’t know how to stop. We think: If I’m not a victim, people will leave me. Actually, that’s a lie. The truth is, people have already left because we keep playing the victim card. Victims don’t attract strong friends, they attract predators, and further their victim cycle. Strength and positivity attracts strength and positivity. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be open or vulnerable. There are times, without question, to unload. But just imagine having a backpack full of bricks. If you need somebody to help carry some of your weight, by all means ask. But remember, they have weight to carry too, and even though they love you, there is only so much they are capable of.
3. Understand there’s really not that much to be upset about: This is an old lesson I learned years ago from a Norman Vincent Peale book. He said when you are worried about something, stop and imagine the worst case scenario. What would happen? Would you lose your job, your health? Probably not, but if so, think about what you would do if that did happen? The truth is, even if the worst happened, life wouldn’t be as bad as you think, so stop worrying.
4. Understand how great life already is. I had a great interview with Henry Cloud recently, and he said that our circumstance only affects 20% of our happiness. That means our money, our stuff, our job only affects our happiness level 20%, and yet that’s the stuff we worry about. I was so afraid to turn 30 (8 years ago) and still be single, and now I am looking at 40 in a couple years and feel that same old fear. But the truth is, my 30′s have been the greatest years of my life. There have been one or two rough years, but overall it’s been Disneyland. The sad (or happy) truth is, if I never got married, I’d be more happy than the overwhelming majority of married people I know. (That’s not a blow on marriage, it’s just a statement about how little circumstance has to do with emotional health).
So, after scoring lower than 3:1, I’ve got a bit of work to do. But what I liked about this article in Scientific American Mind is that it gives us reason and license to be more happy. Heck, our marriages may depend on it. So cheer up!
