Dr. Cloud was kind enough to write a guest blog just for this website. I’m honored. And even more honored because it’s a great one. Sorry I got this up a bit late. We had something of an e-mail mixup. But here are some things to reflect upon as you prepare for bed….
A Few Valentine’s Day Thoughts
When I first became a Christian, I remember a wise older man told me he wasn’t going to church on Easter. I was surprised, especially in my newfound excitement about the faith.
“What? Why not?” I asked.
“It’s amateur day,” he said. “People go who never go any other day of the year and really aren’t serious about it. So, it is too crowded and I just stay home with God.”
I walked away thinking, “weird.” But there was a point to it…..sometimes “special days” take on a meaning to people as if they are the essence of what they are meant to symbolize and commemorate. Easter should be a day that symbolizes what we realized each and every 365 days: we have a risen Savior. He is alive every day. And then on that day, we celebrate the reality that we have all the year long.
Now, about Valentine’s day…..
Apart from being a windfall for Hallmark, what is it for us? Hopefully, it is also a symbol for what is happening on the other days in the year. For married people and singles in serious relationships, it should be a day that celebrates all of the good stuff you are expressing to each other all year long. No “amateur” day….right? Just as going to church on Easter does not mean a person has faith, neither does breaking down and buying a card for a spouse mean that good things are happening the rest of the year. It should not just be a “cease-fire” where you try to be loving for a day and then devour each other for the rest of the year. It should remind people of what they have and share, and also inspire to continue to practice that kind of love all year long.
Also, remember other people than your spouse or the one you are dating. For other important people in your life, you might let it remind you that they would like to hear from you as well…..(especially Moms….they like this sort of thing).
So, what if it is the worst day of the year for you?
The reality is that it is often a day of reminding some people of what they don’t have and are longing for, single or married. For the married folks, it should be a call to action. Let this day symbolize what you want, and maybe start you off on a little different plan for getting there than the one you have been working so far. Kind of a wake up call if a relationship is not going well. Maybe it can be a day where the two of you think of a new direction for your relationship, possibly even getting some help. But what if you are single?
Many times, Valentines day reminds some singles of what they are long for and have not found. What to do then? Here are a couple of thoughts:
First, see it as a time to celebrate the love that you do have in your life right now: your friends and community, family and friends. Make it a point to let some people know that on Valentines Day you were thinking of all of the sources of love in your life and you wanted to thank them for being one. They will love it, and you will be reminded of how fortunate you are to have them. You will feel more grateful and know that you are not alone on the planet. If you look around and don’t have a community of friends, then make that your first priority. That may be the real reason this day is the worst, as it gets you in touch with a deeper aloneness than not having a Valentine. It may remind you that you are alone. Make finding community the first call to action.
Second, as I mentioned above, see it as a symbol and reminder for what is happening the rest of the year. “Wait a minute….,” you might say. “That is the problem. I don’t have anything going the rest of the year. That is why I am bummed out today!” Ok, good. That is a good awareness to have. So, ask yourself the hard question. “If I don’t like where things are, what am I truly doing about it besides wishing, praying and waiting?” In my book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping,” I talked about how a lot of Christians approach dating in a very different way than they approach the rest of life, and different that the bible tell us to approach life. They think that somehow God is just going to drop this person into their lives, without their doing anything. Really? Is that how he provided a job for you? Or a church? Or food every day? No….he provided those, but you got off the couch and went looking for it too. He secured the Promised Land for Israel, but Joshua and others had to go possess it with some hard work!
So, maybe it is time to get a plan and think about how you would like for your dating life to look different and start to work it. For some, that might mean some hard stuff….maybe even some therapy to work through some old hurts or fears. For others, it might mean getting out of some comfort zones. Either way, what I have found is that it can be an awesome growth journey when people decide to own it and go for it. Make a commitment that next Valentine’s Day will be different than this one. Even if you are not in a serious relationship by then, you will be having a blast in your dating life.
So, in sum….Valentine’s Day can be a celebration of what you already have, or it can be a wake up call to take God’s hand and find what you haven’t found. Either way, even if it might be a reminder of some disappointment, it can be transformed into hope if you let it jumpstart you to a different future.
Cheers,
Henry
If you’re single, check out Dr. Cloud’s book How to Get a Date Worth Keeping
<3
I’m glad he wrote that, it was great.
I ♥ Henry Cloud! Thanks for posting.
This is a terrific guest post with lots o’ meet to chew on. Much better than Valentine’s candy.
This is a terrific post with lots o’ meat to chew on. Much better than Valentine’s candy.
Donald, thanks so much for sharing this. It’s a good encouragement to us single folks (cheers for “Singles Awareness Day”), but more importantly, it’s a call to action. I especially liked what he said about building a community and realizing that even if we are single, it doesn’t mean we aren’t loved. Thanks again for sharing!
[...] am going to repost a blog from Donald Miller’s blog. Sometimes, other people just say it [...]
Great post. This year my husband and I chose to have friends over for a games day rather than do the typical Valentine’s Day thing (we already know we love and value each other–we don’t need Hallmark to show it). At one point the power cut out so we just talked for the 3 hours it took until the power came back. This was probably one of my favourite Valentine’s Days ever.
Good Stuff. Reminder about intentionality. Speaking of which, wish I had your email, but alas don’t so…hello blogging world…did John M. mention anything about me? (I am a friend of his friend Christina). I’m trying to write a a greater story this year on many fronts and would like to see if you may want to be a part of it in a small way? If you’re curious, hit me back. Thanks.
I just wrote about his same thing on my blog. Not as thorough or eloquent, but I totally agree. Here’s to celebrating, giving, and receiving love on all the other days this year.
Am I the only one who shook her fist at him (non-violently of course) when he started talking to single folks?! Is he married? Because I surely get miffed when married folks give out that sort of advice to single people. Yes. Yes, I do.
Ok, Henry- can I call you Henry?- so what you’re saying here seems to be that if you’re a Christian and you’re single, you must be doing something wrong. Either that or there’s just something wrong with YOU.
Awesome. Thank you for that bit of encouragement. I’ll put that up on my shelf of *crappy advice married people love to give singles* along with with, “You’re just too picky!” And, “When you’re not looking for it, that’s when it will happen!”
Jess “I’m not bitter, just pissed off” D.
I don’t think Henry is saying that if you are single you are doing something wrong, but I do think he is acknowledging that, to a great degree, attraction and compatibility are conditional. I had a good friend say to me recently “you know, you say you are going to call me when you actually don’t” and she meant that to mean I was being rude, and it was affecting our friendship. I counted it a huge blessing that somebody would very kindly tell me the truth. She also said that somebody sat her down once and said “you know, you don’t make eye contact, and often when you somebody tells you something funny, you one-up them with something funnier.” and so she started making eye contact, and stopped one-upping people, and LOVED the results. But that isn’t for everybody. Still, I think Henry is on to something when he says that some people want to get married, but they put off a negative, unatractive vibe. And if people are inclined to hear it, and change a few things, it’s greatly beneficial. But I also acknowledge these things are very hard to hear, and they are best heard from a close friend who has built trust. Still, Henry was single until he was 38, he knows the life, he knows the hardship, and he speaks with a lot of tenderness and understanding. I’d give him a second shot on this one.
Don
Don,
Of course there are plenty of people who will benefit from hearing these things. I don’t disagree about that. But the fact is that at 35, I’m not just sitting around waiting, I have an active social life and I date. And I’m always striving to be the person God’s calling me to be, though I do it for myself, regardless of whether I’ll ever find a partner or not. But. This idea (it’s not uncommon in the world at large, but the church should know better) that if you’re single, there must be something you need to fix and when you do, you’ll be rewarded by marriage; that makes me sad, and angry.
Sometimes, life is just hard. Sometimes great people spend many lonely years before finding a life partner. Some people never do. And in some cases, yes, that’s because they declined to do the work that needed to be done. But in many? It just is what it is. Because God is not Santa Claus. Because this world is not our home. And if the automatic answer to singles in the church is, “You need to fix something.” How is that different from telling a terminally ill patient, “Since you’re not getting better, you probably aren’t praying hard enough or seeking the right therapies.”?
Love Henry–spent a week with him and John at a leadership training–one of the best things ever, really launched me into looking at a lot of my junk in a healthy way. He even wrote a book about his “coaching” my friend Lillie in dating. I watched it up close and laughed as Lillie HAD to do everything he said! And she indeed is now happily married. But I have to say, I don’t think dating is all that fun–so hard to not feel so much pressure in the Christian community if you’re over 35. I want it to be fun and do the things he says, but I find it really difficult.
Thanks Dr Cloud for this post! Started listening to the audiobook of How To Get A Date Worth Keeping this morning and what an encouragement it’s been so far! Haven’t laughed at myself so much (in a good way) in a long time!
And thanks Don for inviting this post from him. I am encouraged.
Hi Judy and Jess–
First off, Judy I was on staff with CCC, and that story is very well known in the singles crowd(o; I asked him for his “coaching” tips as well. Henry cracks me up! Thus far the coaching has helped but mine is not Lillies story.
Jess, I too am in my mid-thirties and single. What I realize, the longer I’m single, is God is telling a unique story in each one of our lives. What faith may look like for me in one instance (given my story and challenges) may not be what the Spirit is calling forth in another (i.e. for some He may say you need to take a break from seeking after this–it’s becoming an idol, for another put yourself out there more Beloved, you are worth coming after).
For instance, I have lived with the lie “I am too much” what is it about me that men don’t stick around? I play a part in believing this and agreeing with what the enemy tells me. I have had to take an inward look at my part in the dynamic that repeats itself. Why I “play the friend” instead of “being the woman” with a man–calling forth something greater in both of us (strength/initiative for him, vulnerability/beauty in me). I think Dr. Cloud is saying, we may play a part in sabotaging the very thing we long for through the way we relate or ‘who’ we offer. Sometimes it means having the courage to ask a guy friend, how do you experience me as a woman?
That said, as women we have to walk this path carefully because we are prone to ‘getting to work on ourselves’ (the world gives us 10 tips to everything and we gladly concede). With me, if I think I’m too much, my ‘get to work on me’ involves never making myself vulnerable to a man, staying independent. Fixing whatever flaw I see and offering “Put-together Susie” rather than imperfect, vulnerable me. Repentance looks like putting myself out there, opening my heart, and believing I’m worth coming after (warts and all). I agree, we really have to be cautious about ‘self-improvement’ but we also have to live in the tension that there are some things we need to be willing to ask about ourselves. It’s both, not either or.
Like many other things (miscarriage, sudden death, etc) we live in a fallen and broken world and more is always going on than meets the eye. I don’t know why I’m still single, I long to have a counterpart in this journey, yet for now it is not so. It may never be and we have to live in that tension. How tender, yet how beautiful the story God is telling as He pursues our hearts and invites us to keep our hearts open to love, romantic or not.
Jess and any friends who read this,
I can totally empathize. I don’t think everyone who is married is necessarily healthier or cooler or more spiritually mature and they’ve been “rewarded” with marriage. You don’t have to “measure up” to get down the aisle or get dates. I’ve seen marriages I’m not interested in being in!
I do think it’s great that you date and have an active social life. I also think we all, married or single, should be working on how we relate to people and know that our behaviors are not defining our personal worth. I hate criticism but have realized that everyone has something to work on.
I also think I’ve become more attractive as I’ve loved myself more and started believing God actually enjoys me too. (Not all churches believe God likes you.) You might already know that. I just know it’s been helpful to my general happiness and makes me more attractive as well. As for being “womanly and vulnerable” (a la Eldredges), I try to do that while being true to the strong streaks I have. God made me that way.
I also know Christian guys are not known for dating prowess…so it’s on us to make some efforts, whether it be through time and building social skills. I have no solutions for you, only thoughts to share. I am 32 and single and seem to end up in bible studies with two guys for 10 ladies. It’s enough to drive me to eharmony. All I can do is pray, have hope, and make practical efforts. I also assume God hears these requests a lot and totally gets it.
Very best wishes to you.
H
Love Henry! He’s one of my favorite authors. His book “How to Find a Date…” revolutionized my life. I’m still single after reading it 3 years ago, but admit I haven’t been doing the hard work consistently. However, because of it, I’m a better Christian open and engaging to the world!!! Glad to hear he’s a part of your life, Don!
Hilary, great comments and a big Amen! I especially liked the comment — 2 men for every 10 women in bible studies. HA! Can be sooo true.
I enjoy my singleness most of the time. Every once in a while, I wonder about the what-ifs. Marriage is hard work, so God knows when I’ll be ready (if at all). Besides… we are just passing through and what God has in store for me when I get *home* will be better than anything that could happen here.
Best,
Chey
Quite a bit after the fact, but I finally got around to responding o this topic over in my neck of the woods. If anyone’s still interested your perspective is welcome. http://wwjessd.blogspot.com/2010/03/singleness-church-or-why-dr-henry-cloud.html