If I’ve a primal sin, it’s cynicism. I don’t normally make fun of people (I got too much of that in elementary school and am sensitive to it) but man do I roll my eyes a lot. I roll my eyes when things get mushy. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has, at one time or another, become frustrated when I started making jokes as the conversation became too intimate. I’m only thankful the jokes were actually funny (if you laugh, you can’t also be angry, right?) Ultimately, this sort of thing is childish (which is sometimes fun, though) and I have to learn when certain moments require me to grow up.
And lately I’ve realized cynicism stunts your growth. There aren’t many great leaders who are cynics, at least not publicly. Leaders have to believe in something, and cynics are too cool to believe. Leaders have to create community, they have to work with their enemies, they have to love and be committed to people, they have to convince people of their ideas, and cynicism doesn’t contribute well to any of this.
I’ve started a little list of the true reasons I am cynical, but I could use some help. What are some reasons you find yourself giving to cynicism?
1. Its my way of setting low expectations, protecting myself from being let down.
2. I’m jealous of somebody, so I’m cynical about their success.
3. I’m distrustful of somebody’s motives.
4. I’m not wanting to follow through on the responsibility that sincerity creates.
5. I don’t believe somebody could really like or love me, so I let them know in advance I don’t care. (I do this because I actually care.)
Sometimes, changing behavior simply involves understanding why we do what we do. What this means is that, when I’m cynical, I just need to understand why, then move on, not really trying to change, but allowing the seeds of understanding to grow. I’ll be eager to read some of your reasons for being cynical, too.
It’s interesting how you write about learning to deal with things. You talk about the things that i have been reading up on quite a bit. I love psychology and i have been studying various books to figure out why i actually do what i do and why certain things affect me and i must agree that you are completely right on how to deal with things. You don’t try to fix yourself, rather, you become aware of just what you are doing which can help millions more than trying to fix yourself.
I was a bitter and depressed person for a long time and i just didn’t get why. I wrote out a list of all the good traits i saw in myself and all the bad traits. I stared at that list for a long time and i made it not so that i could try to fix all those ‘bad’ things; I made it so i could remember that i actually have those things. Pessimist, not letting things go, those are just a few examples.
Awareness is key. So many people don’t realize what is going on around them.
There is a reason why you are my favorite author. I can relate with almost everything you say and you seem to be able to put accurate words to my thoughts.
Thank you.
Interesting.. I have been thinking that cynicism is an older person’s disease. I wasn’t at all cynical when I was younger, but find myself thinking that way more and more and I hate it. For me, I believe that cynicism is a protective device. Seemingly unanswered long-term prayers, unmet expectations, my own life-time of recurring or persistent failures seem to have begun to drain me of the natural optimism and gratitude that were mine for decades. Cynicism is an easier alternative to disappointment than faith and surrender, but I’m not happy or peaceful here. Whether I have an hour or 20 years left in this world, I think that I would rather feel the disappointment and work my way back to surrender and gratitude than stay in this cold place. Thanks for reminding me. I have some work to do.
Donald Miller.
I could literally not think of a comment that wasn’t lathered in cynicism. (at least funny cynicism)
I am going to pray.
Erin
Ha. Cynicism. I struggle with that all the time and I find myself constantly having to put myself back in check. But as I really thought about it today I noticed that in the past I was proud of my cynicism. It was a staple of my personality back in my party days (Im only 23, and I already have the term “back in my party days” in my vocabulary. ha) and I held most of my popularity to it. But in all reality, I wasnt sure of myself at all with the crowd I was with and had to made up for my lack of self esteem in some way. And it usually got a laugh but kept people from getting to close from knowing that my confidence was completely fake. Its funny because most of my friends from back then were all the same way, which just goes to show that misery does love company. And now that Im trying to tone down the cynicism and be more like the person Jesus wants me to be (I wont lie, it is a struggle) I can actually have relationships with people that are sincere and not based on laughing at someones expense or judging others.
Thanks Don
I definitely agree that cynicism is a way of protecting ourselves. In my case it’s a way to avoid past hurts or disappointments to give the impression that I don’t really care about something (when I do) or I don’t want to talk about it. I actually woke up this morning thinking about all the things I complain about, sometimes just to strike up a conversation with someone when I’m not comfortable with the silence. How sad. There are so many little things in life, not to mention big things, to be thankful for, but for some reason I resort to cynicism and sarcasm. I grew up in a home where our family sort of made fun of things to deal with hardships, so I suppose that’s where I learned to use it. However, I think if I don’t keep in check, it can almost take over and sooner or later everything that flies out of mouth sounds almost bitter. I don’t want everything to be a joke. It’s become a way of guarding myself against things I’m not comfortable with and I’m trying to work on listening more rather than having a comment for everything. Baby steps.
I’m an introvert & a dreamer. The problem is that reality pales in comparison to the thoughts and ideas that swirl in my mind for hours, days & a lifetime. It also makes me a demanding perfectionist who doesn’t like to start projects unless I know I can finish them and finish them “MY” way. A control issue probably. For me, cynicism is partly a product of the exhaustion in keeping that up: connected with what many of you have posted.
When your dreams bomb or fall apart…ego? I’d like to think it’s just true believers planning for eternity. At least that’s what I tell myself.
People that are cynical may just be more realistic about humanity in general. Maybe we just have a better sense of our own thoughts and actions, how impure and selfish we are. Why is having a general mistrust of motives all that wrong? How is that a primal sin? Just because my initial reaction may be to question one’s thought process or motives, doesn’t mean that my interaction with that person or situation will be negative, quite the contrary in fact. Recognizing that we are all driven by selfish desires and being up front about our own weaknesses often brings about a more intimate relationship with others right off the bat.
I have to question the statement that great leaders aren’t cynics. (I guess the,”at least not publicly” statement is the loophole here) To become a great leader you have to have an understanding of human nature and then have the ability inspire them, or give them hope that things and behaviors can change. All great leaders, whether they negatively or positively influenced society, base their movement recognizing that humans are motivated by selfishness. Whether they are looking for superiority, power, and wealth, or motivated with the desire to become a “better” person.
You, Donald Miller, may not place yourself in a position of “great leadership” at this stage in the game, but in spite of your cynical nature you have had impacted millions of people.
A cynic is a frustrated idealist. Or so my Dad has always told me.
Strange. I find myself posting this quote twice in the same week.
“The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not have it.” – George Bernard Shaw.
Was Jesus cynical when not entrusting himself to men, because he knew what was in them? No, not if cynicism is sinful. Yes, if it’s realistic doubt.
He has #3 down perfectly, omniscient as he is.
[...] Leaders aren’t Cynical. The Character Trait That Might be Holding You Back [...]
[...] Donald Miller gave some food for thought to leaders. This is something that I really struggle with myself, so it was a great read for me. LEADERS AREN’T CYNICAL, THE CHARACTER TRAIT THAT COULD BE HOLDING YOU BACK [...]
I would much rather be cerebral than emotional, so cynicism becomes a nice vehicle to turn everything into an intellectual exercise rather than an honest heart conversation.
Ah, Donald Miller.
I absorbed Blue Like Jazz as air, but after ceasing to believe in God, I quit being much of a fan. I randomly found your blog and this post challenges me entirely. I took a poetry writing class and discovered afterwards that every single poem was about disillusionment. Oy.
There are many rich points in your writing.
Thank you.
once a highly (read: obnoxiously) optimistic person, i have had to face the fact that i’ve become a cynic. ew and ick. i’m 45 years old and view most of life with an underlying current of cynicism, much like a low-grade fever: it’s not bad enough to stop me in my tracks but just bad enough to affect everything i do. some honest reflection has led me to believe that cynicism is the lazy man’s approach to life. geesh…it’s not hard to be cynical…just look around you, but optimism? faith? hope? those things require real effort. and i am convinced that they are worth it. wish me luck!
I freakin love how you can/do talk about this with such humility! I’ve gone through the same bout with cynicism and still tend to struggle with it sometimes. I’d like to say I’ve matured from it, but it’s still conscious effort.
[...] cynicism, just a touch of frustration mixed with a good dose of observation. On cynicism, read this post by Donald Miller, but I [...]
I am cynical for similar reasons. An additional reason, and the one I fear the most, is that it has become hip to be a cynical, young, follower of Jesus. We criticize the church, the church leaders, the government, each other, books, music, and so on.
I have decided that for me to lead and change what I think needs changing (see list above) it will require me to respect my elders, appreciate others’ efforts, stop whining, and start leading.
Thanks Don for all your insight! Keep the faith.
Just wanted to say thanks for this article, it really helps a lot.
“Leaders have to believe in something, and cynics are too cool to believe.” I teach high school juniors and seniors every day. That sentence articulates something I’ve struggled to put words to for three years.
I love you, Donald Miller, but you write so well it pisses me off sometimes. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s jealousy, not cynicism.
So maybe a post on that tomorrow, eh?
I am cynical because I am aware of how broken I am, and I believe others are just as screwed up as me. So many who lead movements, conversations, small groups, and religious experiences won’t regularly admit to an intimate, ongoing awareness of their own brokenness. As a result, I’m afraid of them. I’m afraid they’re going to hurt me in ways I hurt myself and others when I am blinded by confidence and not quite cynical enough about the man in the mirror.
I become cynical when I think everyone else is wrong. I’m cynical when I don’t have an open mind. I’m cynical because I’m unhappy with myself.
Don, thanks for inspiring me to think about this. I hope that whomever is the overlord of the comments section will pass this along to you. You’re planting good seeds, and your article led me to think about my own propensity towards cynicism and thereafter write my thoughts about it: http://spiritualklutz.blogspot.com/2010/05/cynicism-probably-isnt-your-spiritual.html
[...] Miller is quickly becoming a favorite blog read. Recently, he took on an examination of conscience on cynicism. He suggested reasons why he might default to a cynical [...]