Years ago I read a little psychology book by Don Riso and Russ Hudson about personality types, a topic I geek out on, to be honest. The book talked about the character faults of different personalities, and as I read my own, I became a bit dismayed. I wondered how I could change negative characteristics that seemed to be interwoven in my DNA. How would I change who I seemed to be in my core?
There are spiritual answers to this question, of course, but I am talking about something more practical. I’m talking about how we stop feeling jealous or talking too much or giving in to self pity. I was greatly helped by a short piece of advice at the end of the book. The authors hardly focussed on the advice, almost mentioning it in passing, but I may have gotten more from that single mention than anything else in the book.
If you grew up in a home or faith tradition that made you feel guilty all the time, did it work? Did you change? And what do we do with truths from scripture that tell us there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ? Does this only apply to our redemption, or to our path of sanctification also?
According to Riso and Hudson, people don’t change by beating themselves up or condemning themselves. The key, rather, is to simply acknowledge what we are doing and and why, then move on without self judgement. In addition, the psychologist said to not even attempt to change. And it turns out their method works.
In my own life, this comes in moments when I find myself angry or selfish and I simply say to myself “Hey, you’re doing that thing where you get jealous.” In other times, I will feel like people don’t like me, I won’t want to go to a party or something and I’ll say to myself “Hey, you’re doing that thing where you identify as a marginalized person because it makes you feel special.”
The trick is to make these simple, objective statements without condemnation or judgment. Awareness is everything. And slowly, these character faults within us begin to change.
Have you tried Riso and Hudsons method? What characteristics in you would you like to change? Is it even possible not to judge yourself?
Thanks for this! This is awesome!.
Whelp, you summed it up! That is EXACTLY what I have been doing in my life. I am learning to just be honest and call things what they are, without having to berate myself for feeling a certain way. I call it giving myself grace, and here’s the exciting thing, its working.
Don,
The sentance “There are spiritual answers to this, no question, of course, but I’m talking about somthing more practical.” …. WoW, doesn’t that say somthing to you? Do we seperate the spiritual from the practical and expect an answer? I like the awarness issue as it applies to being aware of Gods unconditional love regardless of our actions, thoughts, etc. But to seperate spiritual and practical may be getting into a weird place.
David,
I’m not sure about your experience, but I know I often encounter people more interested in talking about “spritual practices” (i.e. social justice, forgiveness, grace) and will become intensly philosophical, but will refuse to forgive the person who cuts them off on the way out of the church (heck, I’ve been that person). I sense this is what Don is refering to by the seperation of the spiritual and the practical.
Working on this one. It’s really hard to not judge myself when I notice a negative trait. I tend to beat myself up a lot. Not helpful. Then, I say, “You’re doing that thing where you judge yourself for judging yourself.” Vicious cycle!
I’ve never been a fan of the idea of personality types. Odd, coming from someone with a psychology degree.
I do, however, wholeheartedly believe in personality traits and their simultaneous innateness and mutability.
A few years ago I decided to stop being the loud, opinionated person who I always knew myself to be. I am a very different person today than I was four years ago, and I made the change by (in addition to much spiritual effort and growth) consciously changing my thought processes in defining moments.
One example: My old self would often spend time in conversation either talking or thinking about what I would say as soon as the other person finished talking. I hated this about myself, so I started catching myself in the act and challenging myself to wait to speak for at least 10 seconds after the other person finished. A lot of the time I found that after 10 seconds of carefully considering my words or opinions, I would either change them or not speak them at all.
I now feel that I am a pretty good listener, an even better conversationalist, and a better person overall.
Love this post!
You are right that some people have trouble with particular “sins” if that’s the right word. However, I not a fan of Y – personality classifications. Most sins or short comings are rooted in a false view of the world. Just to name a few: the lie of idols, Idolatry of chasing the praises of men and women. The lie that God does not help me or watch over me, which gives way to fear. The Bible is pretty much silent on personality sins. Rather seeing the truth of God’s word or putting God’s word into action,like the wise builder who built his house on the rock.
Thanks for this. I’m learning, in my own road to spiritual maturity, that I tend to try to vindicate myself when I mess up. Meaning, ok I screw up, now I feel like I have to overcompensate to prove I’m trust-worthy, or that I really do have my act together, etc etc. Yeah… God’s moving me past that. And this has only recently become a conscious effort over the past few weeks. My mistakes sting, but my next step is to say, “Whelp, more proof that I’m human. I won’t sweat it, though. God, please replace these anxious and self-defeating thoughts (and self-centered, honestly) with more trust in You and less trust in myself.” So you’re right, it’s a spiritual issue, and a it’s huge expression of faith that we have the chance to live out every day in our responses to all matters small and big.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
Great article. For so many folks beatin yourself up if you failed to measure up is a way of life.
Don, I would like hear your thoughts on how to deal with too much to do and not enough time. I am feeling this in the work world right now. I can only do so much, time is a limited resource. But if I don’t do this thing I’ll get hollered at by someone, and I hate that. In addition, the extra hours and stress pull me away and clutter the time I spend in prayer and clutter the time I spend in the word. Most folks advise me to do my best but say forget it at some point (most use a much more venacular word for “forget it”. /it is almost as if the stress from the heavy load is rotting away my spirituality. Do other folks experience this.
ya dude, i experience this. (my hand is up)
i don’t know much about much, but honestly, prioritize it. i find if i compartmentalize, take what’s most important and work my way down, things start to pan out a little smoother.
put God up at the top, the time you need with Him, and go from there. HE influences the rest anyways…start with Him. and heck, everyone has more to do and not enough time, so you’re in a big club. and sometimes not feeling alone is helpful.
hope this helps?
Is there any empirical evidence–besides anecdotal–that this method works?
I gave up negativity for Lent one year. I started with the sage advice of Thumper from Bambi: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I examined all my words before I said them. When I had a negative thought, I made myself stop and replace that thought with something positive. I didn’t beat myself up over negative words or thoughts, I simply made myself mindful of what I said and did. If 21 days can create a habit, 40 days changed my outlook on life completely. Since then, each Lent I take a negative character trait and make the effort to change it with the same method – just to be mindful of my actions and words, and make choices that move me toward the goal of changing that character trait to something that glorifies God.
I’m an ENTJ and I love that you geek out on personality types, because I do too. I read a book recently that talked a lot about this idea of awareness vs. trying to change. It’s called The Way To Love by Anthony de Mello. Great read!
And for all the “I”s out there that wish they were “E”s… my husband is an “I” and after reading The Introvert Advantage, he’s quite pleased with his introverted-ness!
Man Don, this is HARD. I never realized how much easier it is to beat myself up than to be honest with myself. ~~issues~~
I can’t stop thinking about this post. Tonight in my Insight class it hit me–you are talking about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is healthy, the Holy Spirit speaking, gently prodding us back to where we need to be. Guilt leads to growth and change.
Shame is the gnawing, twisting, self-condemnation thing that eats us to the core. I’ve hung out in shame-land far too long.
I ran into the other side of this coin several years ago with a family therapy tool that was developed in the Netherlands called Home Video Training or some such.
The technique is straight-forward. The trained ‘therapist’ goes into the home of the dysfunctional family while everyone is there and films the family for an hour or so. Then, everyone sits and watches the video playback. The therapist is trained to identify and note only the positive points of the session. Nothing is said about the negative interactions – they were watched in silence.
At the beginning there are slim pickin’s. “Did you notice how Susan look Bill directly in the eye when she called him a scum-sucking….?”
But as the therapist returns week after week, the number of positive comments increases. Uncommented upon is the corelative fact that the number of negative interactions decrease. But they do. The Dutch had some pretty good studies to back it up.
Geek on that, Don.
Ive noticed that acknowledging what I do and where it comes from, helps my behavior too! However, sometimes I feel that there are some things I notice about myself, and although I know where they come from, I keep noticing them about myself over and over. After this I start to feel very hopeless about whatever it is. Also, I start to notice people around me, that are much better at doing or being what I would like to do and be. So then I start to look for something they do not do well, not to show them they don’t do it well, but to show myself that they are as human as I..or I try to notice things I do well, to even it out…lol its all very silly and dehumanizing.
I’ve heard my pastor suggest (from my understanding), that if we try acting a certain way, even though we do not feel like it, we eventually will start to act that way. In a sense, I think its kind of like, a fake it till you make it theory. What do you think about that? That if you don’t feel very loving towards someone in a situation, but you try to act that way, that eventually, your heart will fall into the right place. Does this have a context? Like maybe if you’re a Christian this is a good theory to follow, if you trust God will help you change, or ask Him to help you change along the way…but maybe for someone else, it could be a sure way to build up resentment? idk
Dear Don,
I have found that when I am doing something that I know is not healthy in some way, or is a sin, or could become one, I tell God that I need His help right then, and I ask for a spirit of what ever the thing is that I need. Since I am usually asking for a spirit of forgiveness, I guess unforgiveness is a character trait of mine.
Example: My parents and I are very different. I love them and they love me but we struggle with communication and closeness. Due to my mother’s ill health I have had to see and interact with them often lately, and this has led to the apprehension of resentments that have lain buried for most of our lives together. They were good parents, and gave me all that thay had to give,but sadly I have never lived up to their expectations, and they have let me know on more than one occasion what a disapointment I am to them. This is painful,but I live far enough away that it does not intrude on my life too much, and I know that they really do love me and they help me out when I really need them.
So I came home from a visit recently, and in the middle of a really agonizing apprasial of the situation, I just said to God that even if I am justified in feeling the way I feel toward them, I need to let the resentment and anger go, and I told Him that I forgive them, and asked for His help to make this forgiveness a real thing in my heart. I know that their guts have been twisted by things in their past, as all people’s have,and that Jesus died because of and for these twisted things, to free us from them,or to at least give us ways to make them manageable untill our bodies and spirits are fully redeemed.
I guess that this fits the conversation somehow; that there may be good reasons for the development of our characterter traits, but these reasons cannot be used as excuses. Crying to God for help right when that evil self defeating voice raises it lying tongue; speaking forgiveness even when you may be justified in your anger; understanding that everybody is dealing with something that is painful or crippling and just trying to be kind- these are the best ways I have found to deal with my character flaws,the ones that I can see in myself or have been brought to my attention by others in some way. I try to remember to ask the Lord to make my heart sensitive to His approval or disapproval of my actions, and I always remember to thank Him for the good and happy and joyful things that I see,somehow, every day.
Thanks be to God.
.
i value being productive over being with people nine times out of ten.
i’m not a fan of this in myself, but it’s true nonetheless. i’d like to change this…actively trying to change this….
thanks for the post don. appreciated.
Thanks for the post Don.
I’ve been struggling with trying to understand how to change my behaviours to live more positivly, engaging more with people and not with ideas or things that so quickly lead to conflict and division.
I hope I can remember this as I head off to my in-law’s this weekend (a veritible treasure-trove for negitive behaviour).
Peace.
[...] Miller says the key to change is “to simply acknowledge what we are doing and and why, then move on without self [...]
[...] (look, I am already learning on how to work on some negative character traits!) [...]
God’s still teaching me about His grace.
This post is a great practical lesson on that subject.
As I struggle with bipolar tendencies and everything that comes with them, awareness has been and will continue to be the key to help me overcome all of it.
Thanks!
Wow, I am willing to give this a try because beating myself up never got me anywhere.
Wonderful post, Don. Echos the thought that a mentor shared with me just this morning: “stop shoulding (sh–ing) on yourself.” I’m always down in the weeds, criticizing myself (or my wife, to whom I just sent this link), when I should know by now that it really doesn’t do any good, and often does the opposite.
As you note, awareness is everything. Having a mentor who can see the forest for the trees – i.e., point out how “these character faults within us begin to change” when we’re too engrossed to see the change for ourselves – is a huge help.
And for those who care to give credit where credit is due, this graffiti is not a Banksy (though Wiki incorrectly posts it as such), but a Meek, as noted in this article about three quarters of the way through:
http://www.theage.com.au/news/arts/our-colourful-underbelly/2005/12/03/1133422148230.html?page=fullpage
Well said, my friend. I say “my friend” because although I do not know you personally, there is so much about your writing the expresses my own experiences.
I grew up haunted by shame and guilt… this upbringing molded within me a cluster of negative traits that hindered my personal freedom and ability to accept not only God’s love for me, but the love of other humans as well.
The concept of acknowledging your negative traits… the “what you are doing and why” factor, is so crucial to any person’s journey of overcoming their personal demons.
So thank you for reminding us.
I write a lot about this stuff on my own blog…I am attaching the link to one post that tells my own story in a nutshell. I hope that someone out there can benefit from it.
http://trendyand2kids.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/the-testimony-post/