This week I’m featuring edited excerpts from my newest release Father Fiction. Father Fiction is a book for people who grew up without fathers, and as such offers advice on what our fathers should have taught us. These are unpublished chapter excerpts, not seen before save this blog (and as of yesterday, your local bookstore.) Today I’ll continue an article I started yesterday about dating, focussing on what the opposite sex find’s attractive:
“…I’ll talk a little about what men need in women in a minute, but first I want to talk about what girls are looking for in a guy. Every girl is different, but what I learned over a long period of time was that women are essentially attracted to confidence and mystery. I don’t mean to sound like a guy who is helping you pick up chicks. Please don’t think that. But I want to save some of you from floundering around.
Girls don’t want a weak guy. People are insecure already, so they don’t want you to be insecure, too. Intuitively, they know they have eggs inside them that, eventually, are going to become little children, and they are looking for a mate who can provide for them and their eggs. If you go begging for love, they intuit that something is wrong, something is weak, and you won’t be able to take care of their eggs. Instead, you are just acting like another egg that they are going to have to nurture. And if they do like you they have their own issues and you don’t want any part of it. You don’t need another mommy. You need a wife.
What I am not saying, though, is that you should act confident. Don’t act confident, be confident. And you can’t be confident by looking in a mirror and telling yourself you are confident. Take a break from dating for a while. Seriously, you have other work to do. Instead, take up a hobby and get good at it. Start playing the guitar or a sport. Get good at something and improve your self-esteem. Once you’ve gained confidence, you can start thinking about a woman.
And they also like mystery. But it’s not really mystery they like, it’s strength. Girls don’t want you calling them all the time. They don’t want to be your rescuer. If you call them all the time or let them know you are thinking about them all the time, you are going to turn them off. The truth is, you should already have a full life you are invested in, and you should invite them into that life. My friend John Eldredge says you should be on an adventure, and you should invite them into that adventure. A girl doesn’t really want you to stare into her eyes like a lovesick puppy (at least not for long); she wants you to put your arms around her and stare into the horizon, to the place you are going together. So before focussing on the girl, go find an adventure, a calling, something you can do and get good at, something that makes money to provide for kids. The girl will come along pretty easily after that.
Some girls don’t find these things attractive but I think most girls do.
Here’s another thing that it took me a long time to understand. And it’s going to hurt. But I have to say it. Human attraction is conditional. Now, once you get married, you are committing to love your wife or husband unconditionally. But even then, attraction remains conditional. Guys, if you get weak, your wife may stay with you, but chances are she’s not going to be very attracted to you. Understanding what it is your mate is attracted to, be it strength or beauty, and giving that to them is a way of serving them. If you refuse to take responsibility for your life and expect your mate to still be attracted to you, it’s going to be a long, hard journey. Self pity is unattractive.
What do Guys Need in a Girl? (continued tomorrow…)
* These are, of course, opinions, and so many women will disagree. But guys, I’d just try gaining some confidence and some strength either way. I think your wife will some day really appreciate it.
**Excepting political opinions, sharing opinions about what men and women should do creates the most tense of dialogues. The truth is, I don’t know you, and we’ve never met, so I promise this isn’t personal. Guys who grew up without dads sometimes look for too much security, rather than to provide. This is just a little help for them. Thanks!
Ladies! Let’s hear from you. What are you looking for in a guy? Help some fellas out!
Donald, this is probably the best viewpoint I have ever read. I sincerely mean it. 33 and having just come from a terrible break up where I thought the girl was Jesus and she thought the same about me, I realise that is where our tragedy lay. I realise i wasnt the man God called to me, I lacked mystery, because all I eventually lived for, was her. I had no confidence, which eventually led to her needing a stronger man. The worst part of all is, looking around and realising I gave up everything, including my identity for a girl and her eggs. I remember reading in a “…thousand years” the part where you talked to an Author who spoke about her relationship with her husband – she loved just a guy, and loved just a girl. The reality is, that in the end we can get very confused between “love as a feeling” and “love as a choice”. The older I get the more I realise it’s the latter.
Thank you for your wisdom on a blog. It nailed me right between the eyes, enough to see a little bit clearer.
Steve
P.S Excuse the grammar.