About every twentieth comment on this blog, somebody says something sharp or harsh. Often it’s insulting to me, personally. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I do go through all the comments and manually approve them. I do this about three or four times each day. I’d say I let 95% of the comments go through. The only comments I report to spam are comments that are mean spirited. When comments get mean spirited, people just stop visiting the blog, so I pull those out.
That said, I encounter a lot of comments that are directed at me, personally, and can get quite insulting. A year or more ago, these bothered me a lot more than they do now. Sometimes I’d spend ten minutes or more feeling frustrated or even angry. But about two months ago, I realized something that changed my attitude all together. I realized many of the leaders who changed the world learned to love their enemies. Our greatest example, of course, is Christ. And Tolstoy learned from Christ and then Ghandi and Martin Luther King and so on. If a leader doesn’t learn to love his critics, his critics will destroy him. Or really, the leader will destroy himself through his built-up bitterness. So now, when I get criticized, I literally process the criticism as a blessing. I feel like it’s God’s way of giving me a little education, a little practice at being like Christ, like Ghandi or King. And believe me, loving your enemy takes practice.
People who lead get criticized, period. You are being criticized because you have not been silent and you have not been passive and that’s a good thing. When somebody criticizes you, it’s a compliment of sorts. Passive people avoid criticism.
When you get criticized you are given the opportunity to show kindness in return, which is a character trait of some of the greatest leaders in the history of the world. In other words, you are being thrown a knuckle ball that few batters can hit, but you can hit it, and sooner or later, people are going to be amazed at how well you hit the knuckle ball. If nobody criticized you, you’d never be given the opportunity to return kindness to an insult, and thus never be given the opportunity to shine as a leader.
What this does not mean is that you refuse to take a stand. Loving your enemies and being compliant are two different things. Loving your enemies simply means you want the best for them, not necessarily for their ideas. Your love for your enemy proves the superiority of your ideas, or at least the fruit your ideas generated. And the opposite is also true, unfortunately, your anger and vengeance display bad fruit and undermine the ideas you claim to represent.
So the next time you are insulted, just picture this wandering baseball coming at the plate, and ask yourself if you are going to be able to hit it. The great ones can. And they can, because they practiced.
This illustration was created by Mike Anderson (@mikeyanderson) Thanks Mike. Reminds me of King crossing the bridge in Alabama.
And from John Piper:
Truly, I admire my friends who home-school, but at the same time, I happily send my kids to public school. Except, I do find myself, more and more, thinking about “home-churching” my kids. And for the very reasons you’ve stated here. I’m so tired of the criticism – not from unbelievers, but from believers. Other church-goers who prefer to criticize than, well, than a lot of things.
Then I think about expanding beyond the borders of my family and starting a small house church. But then, because it would be so awesome, others would want to join, and then I’m afraid it would grow. How sad is that? I’m afraid it would grow? I’m so weary of Christian criticism that I want to sequester myself in my own little world, with my own little thoughts.
And I know that is not what God wants. I am to love these same dear people who seem only to find fault. As you’ve so aptly stated here, I am to love my enemies.
I read “Blue Like Jazz” for the first time last fall. The essay on church challenged me the most. Admittedly, I wrestle with some of the ideas. But I consider this an invitation for iron to sharpen iron.
And I do understand what you mean about heart-felt relationship rather than theological headiness. (I’m in the middle of “Searching For God Knows What.”) But I still want to go to seminary – yes, to pursue a doctorate in that terrible thing called theology. But not because I want to be a pride-filled, Bible-thumping theologian, but because I’ve never had the chance to take a class by someone like John MacMurray or John Sailhamer. Deep down, I want to recite poetry in Hebrew.
All this to say, and I do apologize for the length of this, I agree. If you’re being criticized, it’s likely because you’re on to something. Thanks for the encouragement to love others, and please, keep writing.
Basically everything that I have wanted to say has been said already so I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being real, I really really needed to read this today.
Just remember what you say matters.
Love the blog!
I’m curious – Why the focus on ‘leadership’? It – leadership – seems to be a role for the specialized and elite in the church…a bit of ‘the empire’. Know what I mean? (speaking as a former ‘leader’…it’s a tad exclusive)
Hi Tamara,
I have kind of been digging this blog and the one from last week relating to leaders, though I thought this one was more focused on loving our enemies.
You seem to offer a different viewpoint on leadership… in your experience, what makes it seem exclusive to certain roles? Is it your feeling that a discussion around it may have limited application?
I suppose I’m asking because I tend to think that everyone has the opportunity to lead in some way, whether or not he or she is in a designated leadership role. What is your take?
Thanks for taking the time to explain…
Best,
Sabra
Another great blog, Don. What I really like about you is your teachable spirit which is evident when you talk about what God has taught you through criticism or a difficult situation. Criticism doesn’t hurt me half as much as the lies and betrayal of a friend. I might feel a bit stung by criticism, but deliberate, ongoing attacks by someone I care about just knocks me to my knees . . . which is exactly the place I need to be so God can comfort me and teach me to respond in love. The way I know my soul has experienced healing is when I can honestly pray for the well being of my “enemy” and ask God to give them mercy instead of smiting them and giving them the justice they deserve.
Love this, I agree!!!
Thank you for your timely post. I’ve been taking some knuckle balls this week. I’m a reserved and quiet kinda guy typically (I’ve never replied to anyones blog, this is a first for me), and I don’t know how to respond to harsh people most of the time. I work in the construction industry and people tend to get in your face when they aren’t happy. I go back and forth between wanting to payback eye for an eye (hoping my equally harsh reply will shut the guy up, or at least let him know I’m not taking his crap) and taking a softer approach and letting God deal with whatever is really behind whatever they are saying. Anyway, I don’t know how to express what I’m trying to say, other than thanks, your post helped.
John
Portland, OR
I’ve seen a few (likely a very small portion) of the critiques and negative blogs or tweets that some have posted about you/to you, Don, and I can only imagine how frustrating and hurtful they are for you to receive. If it’s any consolation, I betting that the vast majority of people reading the attacks recognize them for what they are: angry tirades and misinterpretations of things you’ve said. It’s nice to see readers of your blog respond on your behalf with things like, “I’m pretty sure that’s not what Don meant.” And they do…without you having to say a word.
When someone presumptuously says something like, “I’m praying you’ll see the truth” know that a whole segment of readers are feeling outraged on your behalf…and learning grace along with you for such arrogance clothed in Christian-ese.
That said, I’ve also begun to realize that when I’m feeling particularly defensive or angry about an attack there are two things I need to think about. 1)Regardless of how an attack was made (mean-spirited, not in a kind manner, not for my edification or well-being) is there some glimmer of truth in it that I need to pay attention to? And 2)When I’m really, really incensed about some criticism, is there some false idol or god that I’m clutching that I need to deal with? My most intense emotions are usually provoked because something is threatened. I’m worried that someone will think I’m not smart enough; that my friends won’t think well of me; that I won’t be cool if I’m exposed in some way.
In addition to practicing grace and love to enemies as you pointed out, it’s also a great opportunity for me to check my insecurities and figure out where I’m drawing my self-worth from. And then rediscover who God says I am. When I’m focused on that, I’m usually much better at shirking off unfounded critiques and more open to the criticism that may need to hit home.
Thanks for another great post with a mature perspective to get us all thinking about this more.
Shelly,
Just wanted to write what a wise and insightful response this was to what was already a wise and insightful blog. Hope you are well.
In Christ,
Jason
(In the absolutely most loving and not-demeaning way possible, of course) I wanted going to point out the following:
subject pronoun antecedent agreement — “A leader (singular) loves their (plural) enemies.”
That said, you are my favorite writer. Your blog is the fourth bookmarked tab on my firefox window. I hope you continue to (apparently) crawl inside my head and write down all the things I can’t write well enough myself, because that’s what I always feel like you do — but much more intelligently.
…The social waves made by pointing out people’s mistakes are smoothed over by complimenting them, right? Maybe not. Have a good one.
I believe that “their” can also be non-gender-specific singular, rather than saying “his” which is becoming outdated.
So, I am one of the people who avoid getting criticized by being a big wimp most of the time. I am also easily offended, which doesnt help. but this perspective is good; it gives me encouragement to stand up for something important without worry of criticism.
now that i am encouraged i will probably be tested this week to do what i say. damn it. but its good. its going to be good. thanks Don!
ps i myself am a stick figure artist and i am glad to see them in such a great light.
[...] Miller recently wrote a blog about the transformational power of loving your enemies: If a leader doesn’t learn to love his [...]
Thank Don for psoting this, obviously from the heart, and the animation just nailed me.
If you have a moment, I wonder if you could read my blog post on loving others. You don’t have to send me a reply or anything, I just wanted to reciprocate in some way, because I was really touched and challenged by what you wrote, and I often am.
I share your blogs with my friends on Facebook and many are very challenged by what you write. keep up the good work, my friend.
Regards, Jo Hilder
http://johilderblog.wordpress.com/2010/03/30/the-call/
I’m no sycophant, but who would have a beef with you, Don? I don’t know you outside this blog and your books, but I’ve never read anything by you where you attacked someone’s character.
I’m glad you learned to develop such a great attitude.
Don,
Do you think it’s possible to love Osama while simultaneously being a patriot to the U.S.? Frequently our foreign policy strays from this concept, and it’s clear that terrorist completely stray from loving their enemies. I guess what I’m asking is, do you think it’s possible for me to love my enemies (annoying guy at work to Osama himself)and still maintain support to my country who may, let’s say choose to bomb an entire Muslim country to keep ours safe? Could there be a difference between individual love and corporate love? This is an honest struggle I’ve been dealing with for the past week.
Thank you, Don. You always seem to know how to say “it”. Thank you, Mike. For your stick figure animation …. tells more than a story. I will share this one with my 12 yr. old. And, Don, have a wonderful time on Mount Hood. Happy trails! I hope you “summit” ….
You’re awesome Don!
Don, I was just thinking the other day, how hard it would be to have a popular blog like this one, and “take” all the nasty things some people say— the personal attacks. Personally, I couldn’t do it.
But regarding loving your enemies.. I have discovered something recently that helps me. I realized that, at some point in the future, I will have to forgive these people who have wronged me. If I do not, then I will live a life of bitterness and unforgiveness- that is something I just do not want to do. So I figured that, if I’m gonna forgive them later, I may as well forgive them now… there is no reason to hold onto bitterness, because it just makes your own life worse.
As a high school teacher, I work with teenagers who aren’t always careful to hide their biases. I need to constantly remind myself not to take things personally. God is good, all the time, even when we are humbled by our circumstances.
Hey Don — Thank you so much for this post. I really needed it today. And…to be flat out honest there have been times I have planted bad seed due to harsh criticism. I’m working harder and harder every day to love those who criticize me. I really like the animated clip that you attached to this blog. My pastor actually used it in church a couple weeks ago!
Love your work…all the way back to “Prayer & the Art of Volkswagon Maintenance”! Keep it up.
I agree with you. Keep up the good/hard work! I love this quote from Roosevelt below. I hope it encourages you as it does me.
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
“Citizenship in a Republic,”
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910
Hey, listen to you becoming the man God created you to be! ( couldn’t help myself…)
Giggle
Hi Don, it’s me again,
I linked this post to me Facebook page and got this response from a mate which i thought was interesting;
“Sometimes people, who are being rightfully criticized, exempt themselves from the criticism by dismissing it as an aspect of leadership. Not all criticism is a compliment, sometimes its a true reflection. I would also argue that some leaders do so largely without criticism. These are the ones that are so skilled at leadership that their followers don’t even sense a hierarchy but believe they share in the leadership responsibility. Ho Chi Minh’s followers seemed to follow that theory.”
This is true. Arrogance Et al Pol Pot and Idi Amin.
Thought you’d be interested,
Cheers,
Jo
I remember talking over this with one of my friends once. He was frustrated at another kid in one of his classes and talked about how he was tempted to beat him into the ground. Now, my friend doesn’t get in fights, so I was pretty sure he wasn’t about to do something like that. But I asked him, “What if we actually took seriously when Jesus said to love our enemies? What if we actually took seriously when Jesus said to turn the other cheek? And what does that look like?” I told him I share in all the anger that this other kid was being a jerk, but I wonder when it’s time to take the words of Jesus and cover our lives with them. He pondered. We both pondered, actually.
I run a little blog, it’s pretty new, only birthed about two weeks ago. It would have been nice to keep the comments un-moderated; I figured people knew how to have basic respect. But I was proved wrong when someone Anonymous posted terrible, vulgar things with lots of cussing and remarks about homosexuality. “Really?” I thought…”Really?” I deleted them, and friends were apologizing to me. But I guess ultimately I don’t take it too personally. Just because one person is going to disagree with my faith and say it, it doesn’t mean others haven’t already thought about it. Plus, this person can’t even reveal their identity and own up to their comments…I guess to me it’s not worth fighting or feeling bad over. I now have comments on moderation so I go through them, and just today I got two more of them. I deleted them. I really hope I don’t have to continue dealing with this person. It’s hard to love my enemy because I don’t know who they are. They’re a child. But I guess by not lashing out I am quietly sending the signal of patience.
It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “Only mediocrity escapes criticsm.” It was written by John Steinbeck in a letter to Lyndon B. Johnson during his presidency.
Honestly… your blogs keep getting better and better. And this one, by far, is your best as of yet.
Hey Don,
I admit I have been one of the people criticizing you. I think I did on the blog about God having specific plans. I didn’t mean for it to come off as criticism, but it did. I’ve actually been mad at you these past few days actually. As I have heard some of your speeches and seen your videos and read your books, I have gotten more and more angry at you. But in reality I wasn’t angry at you, I was angry at myself. I was angry for the fact that you were touching on issues that are prevalent in my life and that hit home and that I don’t want to deal with. The truth is, I differ from your beliefs in a lot of ways (I still believe God has both a specific and general plan for all while still being able to give us lee-way to create), but that doesn’t give me an excuse to put you down for yours. Are we not, as Christians, supposed to let each other discuss the things of Christ? Were not all the same and difference is to be embraced. Sameness has always been something repudiated by the Bible. I mean look at the Tower of Babel.
Anyways, I just want to apologize for not being compassionate, for not thinking outside myself, for not respecting your beliefs. Aside from surface issues, I believe the same as you do and in many aspects you speak truth. I used to be a revolutionary kind of girl who thought outside the box and was compassionate enough to consider and push through issues in order to live above life not just in life doing nothing. But as soon as I started doing that, as soon as I started living out my story, troubles came and I backed out. I was too afraid of what people thought of me. So in a short amount of time I muffled all my questions and thoughts and blended into my community, pretending to be one of them, afraid of what others might say. I’m weak and a coward. I’ve always been.
In the past few months I have a found a balance between what you talk about (relational dynamics, story) and the hardcore, doctrine, theology side of God. I know truth while not losing the beauty of it. The only problem is that I don’t live out or speak out about the beauty as much as I do about theology. Ive always wanted to be that girl that changed the world, that made a difference, but I chickened out and I stopped believing that I could.
I think God made me mad at you so that I could see how far from the ideal Ive become. How far Ive let go of my dreams. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for standing up for what you believe in. Thank you for loving me (your “enemy”). The fact that you bothered me only proves that you are in the right path, because the truth bothers the darkness.
I am working on getting back to where I was. God hasnt given up on me I can see that. I wish you the best and just know that you are awesome and you’re still my favorite author.
Thank you.
That was really brave of you to admit all that. I am indeed inspired. As im reading this though i dont know you Im seeing youre beginning to be that girl that you were..but even better. even better.
thank you so much.
I need reminding of this absolutly every day!! THANK YOU for this blog..
[...] To be honest, I don’t think I handle criticism very well. As I have learned to let go of my need for control, I am better but I still have a long way to go. And according to Don Miller, if I am a leader, I better learn how to love my enemies because criticism … [...]
do you know jon acuff from stuffchristianslike? this is a gorgeous post on this topic and the response he has isn’t a piperish, “increase their hell” form of “loving” your enemies but a true, honest and humble compassion and love for those who might curse you.
http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/04/522-going-far-too-quietly/
and this one:
http://stuffchristianslike.net/2008/04/119-saying-in-christian-love-before-you-punch-someone/
Thanks for this encouragement. An ongoing issue over the last 3 months has been increasingly discouraging me. This last week I have run out of grace and have been highly frustrated. God has spoken an encouraging word through you Don, thankyou! I will continue race and pray that God gives me his strength to preserve and love my brother through my pain and frustration.
Hey Don-
I’ve heard it said that those who face criticism are probably doing something right, and those who have no enemies probably aren’t doing enough. While I’m sure that the first part isn’t always the case, it’s the second part that concerns me. I think some of my greatest sin is not what I’ve done (and I’ve done a lot), but what I’ve not done. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to avoid confrontation, but over the past few years I’ve made it a personal goal to be more bold… by taking a stand when it’s necessary, by telling the truth (with tact and respect), and by just being myself (which at 27, I’m sorry to say, is still really freaking hard sometimes).
Your blog challenges me everyday – not only your ideas, but the courage it takes to share them.
About a year ago, I felt led to quit my teaching job and write a book. The two things were separate. I mean, I didn’t think it was necessary to quit my job in order to write the book; I shouldn’t have been teaching in the first place.
Anyway, I wrote two or three chapters and kind of abandoned the project back in November when I started a website dedicated to movies and film review. I’ll admit I’m afraid to go back to the book. In a way, the reviews I write are good practice, and I am passionate about movies, so I don’t feel like it’s a waste of time. I get feedback on my site, and sometimes the comments offer opposing points of view. But the book is more personal, and more meaningful, and I know I quit because I’m afraid to write it. I’m afraid I might unintentionally and inadvertently hurt someone by telling my story. And I’m afraid of criticism. I’m too damn sensitive about everything, if you want to know the truth. If the right person is speaking them, I swear, words can crush me. But I know I learn and grow from criticism. I know that.
I’m really not sure why I’m telling you all of this. I guess I’m just impressed by you. The sheer volume of comments you get stresses me out, but you field them well, and this post encourages me to view criticism as a blessing and an opportunity and to put myself out there and lead.
Thanks.
People have been knocking on John Piper a lot here. Listen what Piper is saying is that our one motivation, our one desire is for people to have burning coals of contrition. To repent and follow the Lord. We must do all we can to show the love of Christ up to and including loving our enemies with genuine love and compassion. God points out however, and John Piper merely repeats, that when his enemies harm his children, reject grace and forgiveness and go into the long night cursing God there are horrible consequences. That is the fact of Hell. It is not a “piperish” claim. Piper did not create the idea of Hell. We are in an age of grace and forgiveness; Praise God for that! We are given a part to play in this age of grace and forgiveness; Praise God for that! However this is not the last age there is a time of judgment that comes after this one. God’s enemies should tremble in fear of that time and we, believers, should Praise God for that too!
hi david:) i think the point i was trying to make is, examine your own motives and heart. you will know if what you are praying for for the person who criticized you is out of smug retaliation or a genuine, humble love. and certainly god will know, he is an examiner of the heart. i don’t know about you, but i came running to christ when he tackled me with overwhelming, undeserved grace, so i don’t know that it is loving to pray for heaps of coal for anyone else.
I am reading everything lately through the lens of my job. I am a substitute teacher at the moment, trying to figure out if I really want to jump back into teaching. The biggest deterrent for me previously (10 yrs ago when I left the profession) was my utter loss at how to graciously lead people. I have quite a winning personality that initially covers my failings, but eventually the cracks show. I was always ashamed of those cracks and did all I could to quick-spackle them in until they got too big to fix, then I would cut and run and start over again in a new place.
Since facing myself, I have noticed that I can handle criticism and “challenges to my authority” (which used to feel like death threats) with maturity. I am growing up.
But this blog and my week converged. I know I still have so much to learn about how to lovingly lead people, and a big part of that is loving those who hurt me. Believe me, 7th graders can cut you dead in 5 seconds. Thanks for the encouragement
Thank you so much for the encouraging words.
[...] A Leader Loves Their Enemies [...]
When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.
Proverbs 16:7
As I read the article and watched the video I had one thought. I believe it is often easier for individuals to hurl insults from a distance rather than build a bridge through respectful disagreement. Blogs and other social media are great for building relationships, but they also give people an ability to speak their minds without having to look someone in the eye. May we begin typing the words we would actually say in person and not abuse the liberty we have online.
Sorry for the “personal attack” DM, but I went out and paid my hard earned money on you book, took time out of my life to read it, allowed myself to get emotionally attached to it and then had the rug pulled out from under me. But for what it’s worth, I love you to, brother.
[...] Some cool thoughts from Donald Miller about loving your [...]
General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought of a fellow officer in the Confederate army who had made some derogatory remarks about him. Lee rated him as being very satisfactory. The person who asked the question seemed perplexed. “General,” he said, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.” “I know,” answered Lee. “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me!”
[...] with a post on why weird teams are the best teams. Mark Driscoll with a humorous take on legalists. A Leader Loves Their Enemies. This post really spoke a lot to me this week.Philip Nation on how Two Rivers Baptist Church [...]
It’s easy to throw rocks — especially on the blogosphere where everything is so impersonal and people can vent without being known. I’m guilty myself. It’s easy to be sucked in by someone’s harshness and to respond in kind. I know that Christlikeness comes when we learn to set aside our pride and throw off the other person’s criticism and not to allow their issues to become our issues, but it is a hard thing to put into practice. And to LOVE them on top of that seems nigh on impossible. I know that the only way is to trust the Lord and to do things His way. We have to die daily.
Don,
The other day I was talking to a friend who had been deeply hurt by a friend. But as we talked her heart had melted…not in anger towards the person who had hurt her…but rather she felt mercy…and somewhat compassion for him. I guess we all have to come at such a place in life…after getting angry and all…to the place of learning to love in spite of it!
Blessings,
Gladwell
Thank you
I truly appreciate your honesty and “realness.”
This post came at God’s perfect timing. Everyone with influence will be criticized at some time or another. Oh how I want to hit the “ball.” I’m off again to the practice field.
Great thoughts, Don.
I was really tempted to be a smart-arse and write a cynical, critical comment here (just for fun), but I like what you said too much.
Peace,
Paul
Don-
I remember finishing Blue Like Jazz and recording an entry in my journal to add you to the list of men (at that time you were #4) that I felt were positive role models. Genuine, humble, raw, funny, sincere and safe. Thanks for your work and for your voice. For those of us women that are short on good role models or can be just plain silly and scared around men because of our past and insecurities, I say thank you.
Heavens, why do people bother posting criticism? Says more about them than it does about you… People who perhaps weren’t taught if you haven’t got something positive to say, etc!
Great post.
Best
Just read this today. By the way,
Thank you for writing Searching for God Knows What. Indeed, like you said, the story of the Fall explains human behavior wholly better than any psychologist’s theory could do. And it help me deal/understand the recent hostage taking here in our city better. Instead of hating the hostage taker, I realize what this world becomes if we have it in our hands without God. That this is a spiritual warfare as much as we’d like to blame it on others.