My friend Pete recently let me in on a paradigm shift I found helpful. He was talking about a friend of his who, for some reason, was taking up a bit too much of his mental space. He was beginning to feel responsible for a friends bad decisions. Another friend of Pete’s said that Pete needed to be responsible TO his friend, not FOR his friend.
Pete explained this meant he was responsible to be kind to his friend, understanding, helpful, professional if that’s what the relationships required and so on. But his friend’s decisions and even his emotions were that of his friend not of Pete’s.
A lot of this goes back to Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s terrific book Boundaries, but I found the little phrase be responsible To and not For helpful.
So, if you’re feeling guilty about somebody else’s mistakes, their depression, or their being irritated, it might be good to ask yourself if you’ve done anything wrong that has caused that, and if not, the problem really is there problem. You can be responsible to them, to be kind and comforting, but when you become responsible for them, you are going to grow tired of the relationship, because you are going to feel guilty about issues that are not yours, but theirs.
So true! I was just talking wrestling with this today, thank you for a timley post.
I have been coming up against this lately in myself. Believing that you have influence everywhere can be the result of a fix-it personality. You want to make everything all right for everyone around you, taking responsibility as you say for situations that perhaps are even none of your business.
When I had cancer, I was in hospital opposite a gentleman who decided to stop all treatment, thus allowing himself to die. I remember at the time feeling a huge responsibility toward him. I truly believed that if I were any kind of real Christian, despite the fact I was dying of cancer myself, I should get out of bed and go talk to him about God before he died. I struggled so hard at the time I almost made myself throw up. I really believed I was supposed to “fix” it. In the end, I didn’t tell him about God. I did nothing except be a sick person. And I hated myself for a long time for it.
I just wrote about this today on my blog – http://johilderblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/gods-little-helper-confessions-of-a-control-freak/
I am a shocker when it comes to thinking that God has placed me in a situation to fix it – or the others involved. But it can be supreme arrogance to think just because you are present you are the solution to a problem.
Sometimes, we are just there to be a friend.
Jo
Thanks for saying this Jo. I have often times struggled with the very same issue. Arrogant indeed, yet I can get my panties all in a wad on whether I am being bold, passive, chicken, interfering, etc…
I’m glad that someone else struggles with this, and through more and more experience, I have found that more times than not, God is teaching ME to keep my trap shut and my ears and arms open.
I definitely yap way too much!
wow. thanks this is so helpful.
and it reminds me not to be the type of friend that lays it on others as well.
thanks!!
Dear Don,
Hope Mt Hood was fantastic. Have no internet access, so couldn’t see blow by blow. Prayed lots that you had fun.
Carrying real psychic weight for other peoples’ mistakes or choices is not something that I have ever seen any one do(except maybe parents).
Prayer helps.
Thanks dude. I have unfortunately learnt this lesson the hard way. But I guess the hard way is the only way we get true understanding! Love that you speak into our everyday lives, that is where it is all at.
Don, thanks. I really needed to read this today. As a pastor, I struggle with this a good bit. It’s a good reminder that you cannot live others’ lives for them. It’s funny, because I certainly feel as if I should live their lives for them from time to time. Of course, when I remember that I struggle to keep my own life together, such a desire becomes much more comical. Glad you got down off the mountain in one piece.
Glad for you to have that boundary in place. In his book, When Pleasing You Is Killing Me, Dr. Les Carter calls the problem an overly-developed sense of responsibility.
Mine is definitely over-developed and REALLY annoying!
I should track down that book. I’m feeling responsible to get my responsibility under control.
Pete seems like a wise man. Share thanks from me for his well-timed message.
Wow, God seems to be hitting me from all sides with this issue. I read and reflected on James 5 this morning, esp. vv 19-20: “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins.” Just prior to that James writes: “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”
Thanks, Don, for the reminder that I’m responsible to my brothers & sisters, not responsible for them. And thanks, James, for reminding me that being responsible TO doesn’t excuse me from reaching out even when I don’t know what I’m doing, even when I’m prone to the FOR and have a hard time figuring out the TO. God, cover me with your grace!
We had to learn this in relationships over the years. I can’t “make” someone accountable. Only I can decide to make myself accountable.
Mary,
Your entry is my new life motto!
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years because I was trying too hard to make him do things the right (i.e. MY) way. I will not EVER do that again. My next relationship/friendship(s) I will be responsible TO them not feel responsible FOR them. Talk about the weight of the world coming off my shoulders…
Truth!
At the end of the day the only person you can lead is yourself!
Ive been dealing with a version of this for a long time. I dont put my weight on others to bare, so much, and Im sorta ok at not putting others ideals on me, at the very least with that I know to watch out for it but, I do tend to put responsibility on others quietly in my own heart and suffer and blame them when they let me down.
This just makes me feel both worse, for being abandoned and better, for getting to blame.
Good to be reminded we all deal with an some angle of this.
I think this is a hard lesson that can often end up as a trap for good people. My follow up question, I guess, would be to ask how this might be different in non-friend relationships. If you are in a romantic relationship, are you not somewhat responsible for a person’s mental/emotional well-being? What about as a parent? Teacher? Boss?
Also…last paragraph. “there”
Congrats on Mt. Hood. One of my favorite areas in the world.
K -
A romantic relationship makes it harder to let go of that “responsible for” feeling – but the idea still applies. If we aren’t able to set up appropriate boundaries, we end up in a co-dependency situation, and the romantic relationship takes on unhealthy overtones.
That being said – romantic and family relationships can make the to/for boundary really difficult to navigate. But a question you can ask yourself – as kind of test – is, am I trying to control the outcome and force a change in the other person? Or am I willingly and patiently providing guidance and in my efforts to be responsible to the other person? Even good healthy parenting is – ultimately – coaching and guiding and, when necessary, disciplining – not to control – but to teach.
I don’t think for one minute that the way from/to looks within a family can really be simplified into a few sentences. But hopefully that helps some.
- Peace, Todd
Wow, Don! I swear you are in my head sometimes. I have distanced myself from a friend because her life decisions were causing alot of stress in my life and I was carrying alot of guilt for her decisions. I actually feel so much better now that I have distanced myself. Thank you, Don for an awesome post.
Wish it were with friends and not my son that I am in the midst of learning this truth…
That must be hard! Praying for your hurting heart.
Thank you~I know prayers are helping!
Tonya, as the mom to seven children, I understand what you are saying. As I have watched my kids make some not-so-good decisions, I have rested on Isaiah 54:11-13. I proclaim that our children are taught of the Lord and great is their peace. God’s faithfulness has enabled me to look beyond the circumstances.
Well said. I have been trying to remember a song I heard when my son was first born about how God sends His angels to watch over you~it was a mother singing it to her son. Even though I can’t remember all the words the idea has stuck…He (my son) is on loan to me and there isn’t any love or compassion or frustration that I can experienc in being his earthly mother that his Heavenly Father doesn’t feel as well.
Especially now that he is behind the wheel of a car, I have been nearly sick over what the consequences of a bad decision could be. I’ve been beating the crap out of myself over it for the past few weeks; feel like all the prayers must be working though as I am feeling more peace and as you said, looking beyond the circumstances. Thank you again for pointing me to His reassurance.
this is such a perfect thing for me to read today. thanks so much for sharing this. it can be very hard to let go of feeling responsible for someone or their feelings especially if you are the kind of person who likes to people please. when we are striving so much for pleasing those around us but blurring the boundaries of what we’re responsible for things can get extremely exhausting in those relationships. and often times we strive to please to compensate for something, we think people won’t accept us or love us otherwise. i’ve recently noticed that i’ve been doing that for a long time in a lot of relationships. there is so much freedom in learning what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s and letting go of carrying the weight of their reactions or feelings from being on your shoulders. strong boundaries breed peace.
Don,
As a pastor I find this advice incredibly helpful. I often find myself in situations where someone has a positive or negative attitude towards me. It is important to be able to take a step back from the situation and look at where my responsibility lies. Being able to understand ones role to another’s emotions is essential for emotional health.
Totally!
Personally I’ve been contiplating the possibility lately that we are all suffering from mass codependency.
Amen!
Don:
Thanks for the timely post. I am dealing with some difficult in-law family issues. This was a helpful insight. I can be there to help. But it is not my job to solve their problems.
Blessings
this makes me think. where does accountability come in? and holding those in close circles accountable? loving them enough to do so?
your point also. sometimes we ask for God to break our heart for what breaks His. dangerous thing to do, cause sometimes I end up feeling like you talk about here. and I can’t make people’s decisions, so like you say, i’m not responsible for.
can you please consider discussing/writing about. Who is talking to 20, 30-somethings about life after college? life in the real world? I think you are one of those voices that discusses with my age group (and not just about how to FIND someone!), but I continually struggle that there are not leaders showing single working professionals how to maneuver life. understanding and validating their struggles/triumphs. if you go into ministry – awesome, you get a star. if you start a family – yes, most churches, books, etc. have how-to’s for you. but I could use some how-to’s too! leaning on His Word is #1, but is there anyone else out there?
separate, but connected topic. churches, with the exception of a select few (i’m totally guessing) are aimed toward families. i love my church, but we continually celebrate this family and their neighbors coming and the children coming to church, etc. With people waiting to get married later in life – what are your thoughts on how this will look over years? Are we equipping singles to spread the gospel in their circles; or do these people have to wait until they get married and get further along in life because that’s when the church will care to reach them and their families??
love to hear your thoughts on any of the above. look forward to your next visit to Charlotte!
thanks,
Kristen
you say it so simply. dead on!
Great column as always. The proofreader in me couldn’t help spotting these:
“He was beginning to feel responsible for a friends bad decisions.”
(needs friend’s for friends)
& “…the problem really is there problem.”
(needs their for there)
No need to post this publicly. Keep up the good work here. It’s a constant of inspiration!
Hi Don, welcome back to your life post-Mt Hood. I hope you’re having a nice lie down (*slaps self on forehead* not that I’m responsible for you. . .). Somehow I grew up with the notion that I HAVE to make things better wherever I go, so I learnt to read people’s negative emotions and constantly observe the world around me, looking for pain to solve. Not surprisingly, I now have a social anxiety disorder, and even going grocery shopping leaves me socially and mentally exhausted. It’s so excellent to hear “not your problem” from outside my head as well as from the rather fragile voice of my rational self. And I KNOW the to/for distinction applies to even the closest relationships, because otherwise I’d be dragging my husband down with me. I thank God my partner is able to distinguish between his feelings and mine, and to still be happy when I’m not.
Louise
My only responsibility to my fellow human beings is to love them, and kindness is a huge part of that love. I don’t have enough knowledge, understanding, and wisdom to solve anyone’s problems, but God does. So, I pray for people and encourage them to seek God with everything they have.
Responsible TO not FOR – brilliant!
Those closest can take up the most mental space. I have a lot of learner/growing to do in this area.
It’s easy to become responsible for it your real close to someone – it’s crucial to take some systematic time-outs to reflect on all of one’s relationships.
Well done Don!
It is good advice, rather timely … really helpful regarding a breakup and parent-issues. It will be really hard to remember to remember this when it is most important though. (It could also go hand-in-hand with Tom Paterson’s modules and finding balance in the different domains.)
Right on Don.
I say this applies to family members as well. Not just friends. I have a relative who for some reason appears to always be mad at the world. We were close growing up. Suddenly he drifted and isolated himself. Any attempt to get close to him is a failed attempt.
I’ve done as you suggested and questioned myself… am I responsible for his solitude? and frankly, the answer is no. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not responsible for him and his anger, but I’m responsible to be here for him when he needs me (if there ever happens). I pray for him often.
Thanks again Don.
it’s hard feeling guilty for all the wrong decisions and other things are friends go through. This really helps in setting boundaries for our friends.
Hey Don, i’ve come across join the open table on you tube when i was looking for a sermon for missional churches. I’m a Filipino pastor here in the Philippines and we started moving in this direction. I try to learn as many as i can through the resources in the internet. i also try asking from authors about resources since most books here in the philippines would not be available. and even if they are, they wouldn’t be affordable for the average pastor.
Can i ask about the join the open table? i’m interested about the resources since we would begin ministering to college students. Thanks.
It’s important not to unwittingly cultivate dependencies in relationships with friends. That would make it too much like a marriage!
Don, i just want to say how great the photo you chose for this post is. its a good message, but the photo steals the show. two friends, one with a great mustache and the other enormous, workin’ things out. well done.
How might we apply this to the marriage relationship? Or should we? I’m thinking that’s not as easily answered . . .
Man, I’d think it would be huge. Just to sit down occasionally and write down that you will be loving or that you will listen. The list creates a subconscious fallback position.
Don, I’m not quite sure your response addresses the question, but please allow me to chime in. Chris, I think it would be utterly insane to try to apply this to marriage (and I say this as a happily married man). One of the reasons I am happily married is because I’ve taken responsibility for my wife. Ideally, my model should be Christ, who most certainly took full and ultimate responsibility for His bride. He didn’t just take figurative responsibility, He took absolute and complete responsibility for her sins. I would leave that mental bunny trail alone, especially if you’re married. I can only imagine the response you’d get from your wife if you tried to explain how you were responsible TO and not FOR her.
I don’t know of a single psychologist who would say this is healthy. Can you please site a source other than a theological stretch? Also, are you taking responsibility for your wife or is Christ. It’s unclear.
Don, I thought the article was fine, but my issue came in when you shrugged off any distinction between the ways we are relationally responsible to friends vs. wives.
In marriage, you’re crazy if you think that you can look at a woman and say, for example, “I am so sorry that you’re working through depression over the miscarriage of our baby. I’m going to be be there for you as much as I can [I will be responsible "to" you], but I can’t carry the burden FOR you emotionally as you work through all this internal conflict – only you and Jesus can make you emotionally healthy.” At best, a wife would respond with, “What in the hell are you trying to say?” Years later, she’d still be quoting her husband in counseling.
And if you’d like me to cite a better source, I think there are a number of scriptures which easily make the point. But the one that says it best is Ephesians 5:28. “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.” I happily take full responsibility “for” my own body – every ache, every itch, every hunger, every pleasure. And I think this verse, in a very straightforward manner, makes it clear that I have the same obligation to take responsibility “for” my wife.
The point is, when it comes to loving our wives, we should definitely err on the side of going above and beyond what we think is the call of duty, and that will most certainly be something far different than that which we offer our buddies (and unfortunately, I don’t think you’ve made any attempt to make that clear in response to this guy’s question).
Joshua,
I stopped reading when you said “you’re crazy.” Could we keep it a bit more objective. I don’t think you are crazy at all. I assure you, I am not crazy. Thanks for commenting, though.
I didn’t intend to offend you; I was just using a figure of speech. I put a lot of thought into the comment, so it kind of sucks that you ignored it because I made a careless word choice. I’ll be more careful in the future.
I wasn’t offended, I took it as disrespectful.
Well, I am very sorry about that (and sorry for communicating like this so publicly). I didn’t mean to disrespect you, especially on your own website. I had someone do that to me for the first time the other day in my comments section, and it really shook me up. Your blog about learning how to deal with that kind of attitude helped me so much. Sorry to put be the one to put you to the test, because I do very much enjoy your blog.
Just FYI, I have been following your back and forth and I want to say that I admire you Joshua. My perspective was that something you said got a little lost in translation because of computer world.
I admire your willingness and persistence in apologizing. I believe it shows your initial intent was not to be disrespectful.
I have read many of your blogs and have enjoyed them very much. And, of course, Don, your blog is always a good read. But as I say to many, I seem to learn even more from the varied comments, perspectives and interactions…it has been very good for me spiritually and personally (which are technically the same thing).
From a girl watching godly men interact, it’s been good.
Just thought I would let you both know. It really does matter and people really do notice.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Sorry, I neglected to respond to your second question. Christ is responsible for my wife, but He has entrusted her to me (as He has my daughter). So I take responsibility for my wife and our child. One day, another man will take responsibility for my daughter, but as long as I’m alive, I’m going to go with Ephesians 5:28 and clumsily do my best to love my wife as Christ loves the church. It’s been working pretty well for me.
Maybe this is all semantics. Keep up the good work.
I hear you, Joshua, and I’ve heard this a great deal in religious circles, especially in conversations about manhood and masculinity, but my issue is it’s not actually possible for you to take responsibility for your daughter or your wife. They are them and you are you. And I’m not sure how taking responsibility for her has anything to do with Ephesians 5:28. I think you have incredibly noble intentions, but the idea strikes me as one of these old christian cliches that doesn’t actually make sense. I just think if your wife gets a traffic ticket, she doesn’t have the right to blame you.
My wife did get a traffic ticket recently, and I paid it. No joke. I took responsibility for her. I am almost certain this is just a semantic, hair-splitting discussion. Thanks for writing about things that matter.
And thanks for your attitude, Josh. Seriously, it means a lot.
Simple truths are often the most profound. We have enough issues of our own to take responsibility for.
Love the “To and not For” perspective. Has the potential to adjust one’s approach to marriage, parenting, work, etc.
I wrestle with this a lot on a friend as well as a family level. I read the “Boundaries” book and basically was in denial that I had a problem setting Boundaries with anyone. I considered that everything I did or felt was my responsibility to the point of giving money or apologizing to people for things that were not my responsibility. It took a lot of time for me to realize that others financial problems are not my financial problems and that others emotions are not there for me to fix.
I still struggle with the emotional aspect of this because by my very nature I want to help people and I want to make them happy.
I recently finished your “Father Fiction” book and was immensely fascinated with the way you spoke of the “victim mentality” and I realized that the few family members I struggle with setting and keeping boundaries are the ones who are stuck in the victim mentality and that it is not my place to fix. I should be there to help where I can, but I cannot get caught up in their drama.
For me it is a difficult road to walk because I want to help and “make it better” and I cannot do that. Where you did not have your father, I have and have not had my mother, not my my choice but hers. She walked (ran) away from me when I was 12 and has periodically appeared in the last 10 years or so, and now that I’ve let her back in I’m trying to find my balance.
I feel like this post is a good reminder of that co-dependent relationships are unhealthy. I might add that if you’re in one of these relationships, you’re not a victim. You have a responsibility to recognize that – as with any co-dependent relationship – it takes two, dysfunctional people to tango. So you might want to be careful how violently you go about plucking the speck out of the eye of your emotionally draining friend.
[...] having. She offered me the grace I needed which allowed me the space to recharge. Then she sent me this article which is a valuable tool to have in your friendship [...]
I wanted to chime in here, Don (days later, but I’ve been thinking about the post a few days.) I’ve been married 18 yrs, and sadly it’s ending in divorce, but i wanted to say something about this idea as it pertains to marriage. I read several posts about co-dependence, and even though I think the term is over-used and not always accurate, it certainly plays into unhealthy marriages. It’s such an issue of the heart and from my experience, the line gets extremely blurry in a “Christian” marriage. I know in my case that for many, many years I tried to be a supoportive wife by helping take care of responsibilities, by being patient, by keeping my mouth shut when I really wanted to whine, etc. I thought I was being responsible TO the relationship, but I was only doing it all out of fear of losing what little unity we had if I confronted. What a sick way to keep a marriage together. What I’ve learned is that when either partner is making decisions that are harmful, selfish, or untruthful, that’s when our “help” or support morphs into taking responsibility FOR our partner. And that is such a difficult thing to navigate. This value is so important to teach our children and young people as early as possible. I think too many adults marry without this simple understanding. It may be one of the primary reasons divorce is so rampant: we are a nation that doesn’t like to take responsibility for our choices and we are angered when anyone confronts our mistakes. I have to hope that God is doing a deep work in our hearts nationwide. Thanks for the great post. I’ll be reading this to my sons for sure.
Shelly
Reading your post has clarified some things for me.
I have been married for 19 years and am finding
myself in a similar situation. For so long I have
felt responsible for my spouse’s happiness to the point of
keeping my mouth shut, accepting blame when I shouldn’t have, and trying to buffer his abrasiveness in relationships and situtuations. It has left me exhausted
and drained. After realizing there was only so much I could do the marriage has started to disolve. The hardest thing
for me is trying to seperate my selfish nature as a human from the
destructiveness of the relationship so I can make healthy wise choices for myself and my kids. Anyway I just wanted to say thanks for posting. God knew I needed to read it.
Sara, God works his mysteries, huh? I am glad you are seeking to be whole, but I’m sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. I highly recommend Townsend & Cloud’s book BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE for starters. It certainly doesnt’have to end in divorce, but it takes two to do the work, and God always gives us the wisdom we need. Praying.
[...] reminds us that the debate on homosexuality should not be stripped of it’s humanity.Healthy Friends Are Responsible To, Not For, Each Other.Do you want to change the world because you love it, or because you hate it?Do we all share [...]
[...] Healthy Friends are Responsible To, not For Eachother: A fantastic post by Donald Miller. I think this is valid for marriage as well as friendships – at least for a healthy marriage. [...]