I’ve a friend who helps people plan and organize their lives so they can get greater impact, and he said to me recently that he’s encountering more and more clients who smoke pot recreationally. My friend isn’t a judgmental guy, so he doesn’t brow beat them or anything, but he’s asking his clients to consider the consequences of the drug. Now when my friend said this, I thought he’d start talking about how it’s a gateway drug and so forth, but that isn’t the warning he’s giving his clients. The warning he’s giving is that their habit is stealing their dreams. When they smoke pot, they are satisfied for the rest of the day, they are calm and mellow, they don’t feel like pursuing anything. So if they’re smoking a few times a week, then they are basically not productive a few days each week.
If you’ve read A Million Miles, you know that a great story, and for that matter a great life, can’t get started unless the protagonist wants something. And the thing they have to want must come from their core values, and it must be specific, and it must be difficult to accomplish. And so I’ve started wondering if our addictions and our habits weren’t keeping us from wanting better ambitions, and if by not wanting better ambitions, we aren’t being robbed of great and fulfilling stories and lives.
Things that bring us pleasure are often good. Scratch that, they are often great. But most of our addictions bring us extreme pleasure without the cost of conflict. Porn brings us pleasure without the conflict of relationship. Alcoholism brings us a release of stress without having to deal with our issues. Overeating (my personal favorite) reduces stress and robs us of our dreams, dreams that MUST cost us conflict.
In the workbook I’m creating for the Living a Better Story Seminar, I’ve added an exercise to the conflict section in which participants write down their addictions and habits and connect them directly to a false sense of instant gratification, thus stealing our dreams.
So the question I’m asking myself lately, is how are my habits robbing my dreams? When the credits roll in my life, when the story is over, will I have been numbed out to the pain of life, the pain that was asking me to seek help, find healing, or press forward toward a better ending?
So how are your addictions and habits robbing you of a better story?
What a great post! This is so true. There are so many bad habits that steal our lives… The “American Dream” could also play apart in this!
Don
I have to be honest…the first two books I read of yours I really liked. However, I did not think I would like the latest..”A million Miles”. It is a story about writing a story which just did not seem to interest me. I was not sure how this one could be as great as the first two I read.
I, really by accident, bought it. I have the the Amazon “one click” programmed in my computer and I looking at your book on Amazon and well I clicked one buy by accident not really intending on buying it just reading some of the reviews. Well I guess it was divine providence. One click is great for convenience but not too forgiving and I decided not to cancel the buy – not sure you even can but any way.
Well to make this short I got the book in the mail and it was great! did not want to put it down…it was nothing like I expected. It was humorous, interesting and great moral to it…Great job again…thanks !!
Don:
As usual, your post really resonates with me. I think that one of the largest temptations many American feel is to be just fine right where we are, getting and spending and laying waste to our powers.
I have another area I want to wander with you through, though. I love A Million Miles–I read a proof copy and then bought fifteen copies when it hit the shelves to lend.give out. I think your ideas about the stories of our lives are revolutionary. However, one of the friends I gave the book to came to me this morning troubled. She loved the book, too, but now she is feeling that her work and family life somehow fall short of being movie quality. And she is right! Her life would be boring to watch. The problem is that she does live according to core values and, because of those values, her live is difficult.
To sort of give you a taste of her story, we all live in East Texas, smack in the middle of the Bible Belt. She comes from a sweet, loving family, but her sister became a Muslim about 20 years ago. Since then, my friend’s struggle has been to find ways to be true to the love she has for her sister despite their differing and incompatible religious choices. Her will to love her sister regardless is moving and powerful, and she has come a long way in her own faith in learning to accept and love as Christ does (I fear that I have done a poor job expressing her story, but I bet you get the point).
Her story is small and dense; it would suck as a film. I think, though, that it could be a good novel.
That’s the one criticism I have for A Million Miles. Sometimes, it is the small story of love and perseverance, of faithfulness despite circumstances, that make a life meaningful. True, all of us could use a good adventure story, and a larger context, but some small stories are deep and valuable, too. Novels take longer to deal with than films, but their goals are often the same and, though they would bore us all on the screen, they can be beautiful stories in their complexity.
Thank you for your words, your works and your willingness to be here, interacting with us.
I don’t think good stories have to always be big stories.
If we all just lived small but meaningful stories we’d get a long way as people. I don’t think that Don sees bringing up a family for example as a meaningless story though, I think he sees that as a full movie for that person – or at least a full on bunch of scenes from a movie.
I guess one example of all living meaningful stories would be that Don’s larger Mentoring Project might not be necessary if we all picked up the smaller stories in our local communities.
(He may disagree and that may be a bit dismissive of me but hopefully you can see what I mean).
I’ve had similar thoughts Dave. I helped take care of my mom for 5 years as she was dying from cancer while also helping care for my ailing grandmother while dealing with a disaster of a marriage…not movie material…maybe a tragedy, but it was my life, a life I had to walk through and learn from. Two of those 3 died, yet the 90 year old woman is still kickin’
.
All that crap I had to make it through is my adventure similar to what Frodo and Sam had to face on their way up to the fire. (make me throw up, I know! don’t mean to be so dramatic, but it’s sort of true)
When I was in it, it was miserable and lonely and heartbreaking, but now when I look back, I see what God did in my life…where He brought me and what He did for me. I am a changed person. Thankfully so.
I don’t know what my point is except I too can convince myself that my life is pretty piddly and boring…but I have to keep a healthy perspective, let God mature me in MY ideas on what life really is all about, and live today full of joy doing what is right in front of me.
Hi Shellybell, that is a great insight about allowing God to mature us in ourideas on what life really is about.
Yours is a great story.
I think you guys are missing Dons point. In his book he is trying to teach you to live a story with meaning. Great stories, whether movies or novels, are filled with charactes that have depth. With characters that are forced into periods of conflict and fight like hell to overcome them. He’s not talking about modeling your life exactly like the latest box office blockbuster. He’s pushing us to create meaning in our lives that can further our understanding in life as well as possibly further others as well.
Dave your friends story is touching and meaningful. Anyone who willingly makes such a sacrifice for the love of another is living a life that has suffered conflict and is everyday overcoming it. And thats living great story
I hope this helps a little…
The severe trouble here is that this is a very large choir. So much agreement, so much time reading the same thing over and over again. So we all struggle with little addictions, and I’m hearing electronic the most and the longest, and online of all places….My conflict with this particular post is that the things we allow to take away production in our lives are all very very personal, and the facts remain that every one’s crutches are different, and stupid people inhabit every occupation. Yes marijuana can take away motivation, but the hardest workers, and the best artist’s I’ve ever encountered all use/have used regularly. Is it the drug or the individual? I never blame the preacher, I only blame the congregation. You do what makes you better or worse, and that’s all. All of the “ex-cons” that are satisfied without the bars, chose the wrong drugs. So when you listen to your favorite record please remember that the genius of the art has at some time or another come from drug abuse. Yes, christianity can/is just as dangerous as any other drug, so if all of your music is “clean” then I would wonder about repeated themes and true motivation. (ie-clebrity, or money vs god.) If it’s all insightfully poetic, and your body natural moves, I’d consider marijuana as a motivator.
As an aside: I readily appreciate the lack of scripture mentioned in one comment, and Miller’s response. Not only has there been too much interpretation Don, but consider a reader that does not believe the Bible as the word of God. Scripture reference often makes things irrelevant and easy to discard. It’s the same as quoting O’ Reilly or Hitchens for that matter.
[...] – Today as I was thinking about all these sorts of things I read this blog by Don Miller and, needless to say, it hit be square in the [...]
Here’s my bad habit – setting the stage on which I will perform my life story. Overthinking.
When you do that, sometimes your story happens to you. I thought I had planned for every contingency, every adversity. When I had a baby right on schedule, I was ready to write the “mom” chapter of my story. But, then my husband abruptly left the story. Talk about a massive rewrite.
The freeing and scary realization? The stage is never going to be just right. No matter how much you plan or get ready (losing a few pounds first, getting a new job), changes are waiting in the wings (tired of this metaphor yet? I am.)
What do I want now? I want (or want to want) a life filled with beautiful, messy moments for my daughter and me. I don’t want her to spend her time setting the stage. And, the only way I can help her with that is to set that example.
And, your words continue to help me come back to that when I find myself returning to old habits. Thank you.
Don, when I saw you give your talk on ‘A Million Miles’ I was really interested in the conflict part. I feel like I am so conditioned to avoid conflict. To me conflict is a bad thing. Not that I think life is easy, don’t get me wrong, I love a challenge. I just wonder if there is a difference between good conflict and bad? Do you think that if you are pursuing something and it seems that you keep hitting a brick wall that it might be a sign to go another way? How can you know if it is something you should overcome or if it is just time to move on?
Hi Annie –
I know you asked for Don’s input, and I’m sure he’ll have some great things to say about conflict (I’m an avoider myself!). In the meantime, I thought this article might be of interest to you. It helped me think through some challenges my family was facing:
http://jenschroedel.com/2010/01/on-the-death-of-dreams/
I come from Pot smokers, my mom and step father have done it my entire life. No, it’s not a gateway drug, whoever said that didn’t ever smoke pot. It is a drug that does exactly what you said. And I would go a step further and say it not only keeps you from acting on your hopes and dreams but it also makes you negative toward all hopes and dreams.
As far as my addictions, well I’m addicted to this, reading blogs, twitter, etc. And what it is stealing is my story being put on paper. I am writing my story and the story of people I work with at the Baton Rouge Dream Center and the more time I spend surfing the web and blogs, the less time I spend writing.
I really like this post, it’s very practical while also inspiring. And I am really horrible at reading previous posts (usually because I’m also minding my beautiful 3 year old son while typing in the two minutes I have between “Mommy!”s), so someone may have already addressed this. But I wonder if you could also talk about the ways our bad habits affect the stories of OTHERS? We aren’t the only ones who are affected by our bad habits/decision. We are also writing parts of other people’s stories…the parts they have little to no control over…just a thought…
Hey I was thinking, and maybe someone else was thinking the same thing and already posted a comment about it (I’m not at the moment going through all the comments), that maybe bad habits could be the beginning of a great story? I agree with you that they create boring stories, but then I think that it can be potential for a great story.
I already posted a little bit ago (bad comment etiquette this is, I’m sure!), but I wanted to give a positive example of how the stories we write affect others: this is from cnn.com, about a guy named Jason Gerling who was a really good drummer as a young guy, but was paralyzed due to a car accident in his early twenties. Over the past ten years has completely re-invented his drumset so that he can now play again, really well. He just did a concert at Minneapolis’ Guthrie Theatre.
One of the most beautiful things he said, after being asked why he is not patenting the technology, is this; “If people want to know how to build their own triggers, then, by golly, they can just contact me,…I’ll give them the information for free. Encouragement shouldn’t come at a price.” Think of the many ways he could have written his story; but how many people have been affected by this story now.
Here’s the URL: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/09/paralyzed.drummer.invention/index.html
Yes. Our bad habits can turn into addictions and most people don’t even realize it or stay in denial. Addictions can become so bad that the brain actually gets rewired as we continue the cycle of intense craving and gratification. Then it takes 90 days for us to break a serious addiction and like you said our dreams have not just been placed on hold they may have been crushed underfoot.
I think my habit is watching TV shows and movies – living vicariously through fake stories… It’s pretty sad.
I appreciate your thoughts, and don’t entirely disagree with your way of thinking. But you kind of put me off with the first paragraph, which was so specific to using marijuana. I smoke recreationally, typically before lying down to bed, maybe one-two nights a week. The image you paint in this article is too much like all those anti-drug commercials that portray pot smokers as fat losers, living in their parents basements. I’m not going to say that isn’t how some of them might turn out; but it’s certainly not the case for all of us who smoke.
Having said that, I still enjoy reading everything you have to say. And again, I definitely appreciate the overall sentiment of this post. Thanks for sharing!
I agree Kati, but you must admit, in most cases when somebody smokes other than shortly before bed, the rest of the day is not very productive.
I think the key is not having it be habitual (thus the title of this blog post).
I smoke occasionally, but i know that if i don’t keep myself in check, life will pass me by.
An occasional friday night treat is wonderful though.
This is SO convicting…
I just finished reading N. T. Wright’s book “After You Believe” in which he talks about Christian character and “virtues”… aka GOOD HABITS that we need to actively seek out and form in our lives. Your post really helped me to tie the two together… a strong foundation of good habits can help create the stories we really want to create.
Wonderful post. One I needed to read today…thanks!
another example of bad habits creating boring stories. when a person shares their bad habits like constantly smoking pot and tries to break the habit, but never does. the persons story then becomes a repetative line of, i tried then i failed, i tried then i failed i tried then i failed.
there comes a point (at least in my experience), where the perons story becomes boring. unless that cycle is broken, the story has potential to become predictable too.
Just to offer another way of viewing this particularly example – smoking is one of the hardest habits to kick; tobacco users in particular often need multiple attempts and are rarely successful on their first quit attempt. I try to see these attempts as an example of persistence which can truly result in success.
I do hear you about people getting into cycles that they have difficulty breaking, though. It can be hard to be a witness to it without judging.
So true. And it is so easy in movies to see how obvious this is…but when we look at our life and our habits we justify things that rob us of living great stories.
Wonderful post, Don.
I’ve identified two of my habits — habits that steal time.
Thanks for the nudge.
Although a little different to what your post is saying Don, I think this quote is great to motivate us to live a fullfilling and enriching life.
“All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don’t tiptoe.”
I like this post for a couple of reasons – one because it uses the story metaphor for life which i just loved when i saw Don at Think Orange and then read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, secondly i love it because its so true and talks about a topic that we all struggle with. I love Diet Coke (and have decided that i should move to america if i want to keep that Habit!!!!) so when i’m having a bad day instead of solving the conflict i think – oh well just go get a diet coke, like magically i’m gonna find the answer somewhere at the bottom of the bottle. It isn’t mind altering but it reinforces a habit of avoidance rather than facing issues or even just taking a break when i need it. Diet Coke ultimately robs me of part of my story in seemingly small ways but could set me up for bigger ways
but the third reason i love this post is because it is beginning to coach the story metaphor into our everyday lives. If your into Coaching you know it has its own language for example “what do you need to say to be complete?” “What can i do for you right now to support you?” “how could i support you to complete that action” sometimes its cool, mostly useful, but slightly corny (SAID IN A SCREAMING TONE) i think “coaching” the story metaphor and creating questions around letting story guide you will be much more user friendly and easier for people to use to make changes to the story of their lives…..
a few more questions
How are your habits Affecting your story?
In what areas is your story diminshed by your habits and addictions?
what impact does your habits and addictions have on the key characters in your story (ie those you love)?
On a scale of 1 to ten how important is it to you to have this action be part of your story?
On a scale of 1 to ten how important is it to you to change this habit or addiction?
[...] Medium Matters, a great argument for why music is just as important as the message.Donald Miller on how bad habits create boring stories and the power of listening without judging.Shaun King with a great post on how a normal marriage IS [...]
Excellent post. I work with people who struggle with porn addiction, so I witness a lot of compromised relationships (or compromised relationship chances) and constipated sex lives. Dreams of fulfilling connections and sex have been swamped by cheap online thrills.
This is nothing really new, but said in a new way. George W. Bush quit drinking for similar reasons. He is quoted as saying that “alcohol began to compete with my energies … I’d lose focus”.
[...] Miller, the author (most known for Blue Like Jazz), recently blogged on how smoking pot can rob you of your dreams because it causes you to be satisfied with the rest [...]
I find myself getting sucked into the bad habits over and over again. Learn from your mistakes. Identify and isolate the things which enable you to feel the most alive and then make sure you make time for them, otherwise tv, food, sex, instant gratification will surely creep in and leave you with lingering despair at the emptiness in your life.
Wanna move to the midwest and marry me? I love this blog. It gives me hope that I will find someone who thinks like me, who longs to live a fulfilling, intentional life while pushing toward healing and love. Isolation along the journey is hard and loneliness manifests itself as physical pain. Thanks for being thoughtful and inspiring hope.
[...] post can be read here: http://donmilleris.com/2010/06/08/how-bad-habits-create-boring-stories/ Share this blog [...]
This post makes me think of TV mostly. One of my mentors in grad school has been quoted saying “Watch and die, do and live” (or something like that). As a single person, it’s so easy to get sucked into the bad habit of watching TV and it’s so alluring as well. It, to some extent, can make you feel less lonely because (for me) it’s noise in an otherwise quiet apt. I remember telling my Dad once that I was lonely and his response was “are you sure you don’t want reception on your TV?” as if that would take it away. And truth be told, in an instant gratification sort of way, it would, but I realize (and I tell my students this often) that things like TV keep us from sitting in our stuff, reflecting on who we are and what we need to work on in our relationships which while immersed in our culture (for me the Los Angeles lifestyle) is something everyone says they don’t have enough time to do which is sad as I don’t think anyone says on their death bed “Man, I wish I would have watched more TV.”
I know this response makes it sound like I’m saying TV is bad, bad, bad…but that’s not where I’m going with this (I just finished watching an episode of Law and Order for crying out loud). What I am trying to say is that TV does indeed relax me, soothe me, and make me mellow (much like maryjane for it’s users I suppose) so in that regard, I think it gets me to settle sometimes for watching others live their lives instead of living my own and by ‘living’ I mean even the mundane stuff which is what makes life so sweet.
I appreciate this perspective of MJ because while I don’t take a political position on it myself (culturally we’ve been told it’s bad, but realistically it’s like alcohol which we all seem to think is just fine), it’s like anything else in life that gets you to disconnect from what’s really going on…it numbs you from feeling anything- good or bad- which in and of itself is not life at all.
Well, I grew up with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) parent and have just recently started understanding how I act and treat others. I sound so weak saying this but, my wife and I are starting therapy for it tonight after I get off work. Sigh. But I know it will be a good thing to deal with all the crap my mother put me through and how to control my anger and bad moods. I hated living with my mother and wanted to get away, yet at the same time I loved her. It was very confusing. I don’t want my wife and kids to have to go through the same thing and I know if I don’t deal with the BPD issue, it will rob my family of being normal.
nicodemusatnite.blogspot.com
This article is so true Don. I have always known but ignored the fact that, the obstacle that stands between me & my dream to be a writer, is my TV addiction. Immediately I get home from work, I slump into a seat in front of the telly & only leave to get dinner & go to bed. It’s a total waste of time & a rather pathetic way to spend my evenings but I’ve somehow fallen into this routine. Your article has inspired me to reduce the amount of TV I watch to maybe a few days a week, so I can get some writing done. Thank you.
[...] leave a comment » If you are new here, you are joining me midway through an important journey and you are more than welcome to come along for the ride. But if you’d like to see how it started… Things that bring us pleasure are often good. Scratch that, they are often great. But most of our addictions bring us extreme pleasure without the cost of conflict. Porn brings us pleasure without the conflict of relationship. Alcoholism brings us a release of stress without having to deal with our issues. Overeating (my personal favorite) reduces stress and robs us of our dreams, dreams that MUST cost us conflict. — Donald Miller [...]
Don,
Apologies, as this is an old post now, but it’s only now that I’ve discovered the real benefit…
Most of the things I would do in my spare time are not inherently bad things but, for the past few weeks, each time I’ve had some spare time, I’ve thought about this post. It’s reminded that playing on the computer or spending time leisurely reading will not really help me achieve my goal of finishing my novel, or recording an album – two things I’m passionate about doing. And I’m pleased to say that on a good number of occasions, I’ve chosen to pick up a pen, or a guitar, instead.
So thank you for your insights – really appreciated here!
Martin
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