Last week I opened a discussion about being judgmental, and how a good listener can listen without judging the person he is listening to. I asked us to pay attention to when we think less of people and asked us to ponder our motives…
Now to clarify, I am not talking about judging actions, I am talking about judging people, that is, thinking less of them, that they are less valuable, somehow, because of what they are doing or saying or even wearing.
In that same experiment, I found I judge people for two main reaons:
1. I think less of people in order to disassociate. In other words, my emotions want to distance my identity from whatever they are doing or saying. Essentially, I’m feeling a strong sense of “I am not like this person. This person is not okay, but I am not like them.” I’m not given to judgment very easily, in fact I’d say I flaw on the “live and let live” attitude more than I do judgment (welcome to life in Portland) but when I do judge, this is often one of my motives.
2. I judge in order to manipulate. What I mean by this is I use judgment as a manipulative tool to try to get my way. It’s subtle, but I think we all do this. Some examples are when we make statements like “You’d have to be crazy if you actually thought that I idea would work….” Instead of pointing out the flaws in the persons thinking, I’m being manipulative, trying to associate their ideas with some kind of negative identity. When we think less of a friend and express that, it’s sometimes our way of putting a fence around them to try to keep them where we want them, which is usually about serving our own interests and needs for security.
Are there good reasons to judge? I think there are. God actually brought in the whole justice system, including judges, to the Children of Israel. Judges are great and important. But scripture also tells us that you and I stink when it comes to judgment. We are to..”take the log out of our own eye” before pointing out somebody else’s flaws.
Will you try an experiment with me. Will you open your calendar or your i-phone calendar and give a month to not judging. Seriously, just pick a date about 30 days from now and set an alarm saying you can judge people again, but until then, refrain from thinking less of anybody for any reason.
Now black and white thinkers are going to take this to an extreme and believe I am saying we should endorse any kind of bad behavior, but I’m not saying anything close to that at all. What I’m saying is we should stop thinking less of people and be better listeners. My guess is it will be very, very difficult, but I also think people are going to trust you more, be more open, and even invite you to give them some guidance about their decisions. Another thing that will happen is, by not judging them, you are ushering them into the extreme fear because THEY are responsible for their own actions, and you aren’t taking any ownership. You are just going to be their friend and want the best for them….
