I was having lunch with an accomplished surgeon recently who told me the two words that will kill the heart fastest are the words “ought to.”
The reason I was having lunch with the surgeon was because I was interviewing him for a potential book. He’s a head surgeon at a nationally renowned hospital and does an enormous amount of charity work, even advising the American military on how their hospital ships can be more efficient while being used in disaster relief. If the average doctor saves hundreds of lives in the span of their career, this guy has likely saved hundreds of thousands.
When I asked why he desires to help so many people, his answer surprised me. He said “because it’s fun.” And then he went on to say “I like helping people because I enjoy it, I’m the opposite of an evangelical.” I don’t know if he knew I was a Christian, but the comment came like a curveball and I had nothing to say. I was so accustomed to the passive guilt complex so many of us hear week after week and in book after book that I knew he’d have no shortage of evidence that Evangelicals are constantly being made to do good things they don’t really feel like doing.
In contrast, as I read through the book of Acts, a defining characteristic of the early church is they felt joy in their work. I don’t see a lot of shame and guilt manipulation in Acts, just a bunch of people who act like they are weirdly in love with each other and with God. And I want to emphasize the word weirdly.
So, I’m debating cutting back on the ought to’s and ramping up the fun. Some aspects of service feel more like duty, and others feel more like fun. I wonder if we stopped the “ought to” aspects of loving people and got more in touch with the kinds of service that come out of our skill sets and passions we wouldn’t be more effective.
Of course there are people who would say if we only did what was fun and not what we ought to we’d not care about other people at all, we’d just be out having sex and getting drunk all the time. If that’s you, I’m really sorry.I mean that. But not everybody is wired that way. If you set most people free from all guilt and shame, they’d likely live normal lives and still be altruistic. I really believe most people are pretty good at moderation and don’t need a guilt trip to govern themselves.
What about you, though? Do you live with a feeling of “ought to” in your life? And if you were more like my new friend the surgeon, doing good things for people because it was a fun and fulfilling way to live, do you think you’d be an even more giving person?
I’m reminded of a quote by Saint Augustine: “Love God and do as you please.” When you love the Lord in a real way, your desires will naturally change into those that honor Him. Things are not ought to’s when you are passionate for the cause. They become your joy, part of your very person, as seen in the book of Acts. How cool is it that we can know Jesus in the same way that the disciples did, and so we too can experience that incredible love. Also, Jesus is real fun…which makes following him a cool adventure. Great post.
That’s the key word, though. “Love God.” Are we focused on having fun or pleasing God? Often what the Lord would have us do is not immediately “fun” or even enjoyable per se, but the thing is it is no longer self-seeking, but Christ-seeking, and when we are dead to ourselves we are filled to the brim with His spirit. We know the joy of the Lord is our strength…. true “fun” comes in serving Christ, not our whims. There will inevitably be things the Lord calls us to that pull us out of our comfort zone and aren’t “fun”, but the more we are made to rely utterly on Christ the more we are made as cups overflowing. Perhaps you can be more specific next time, Mr. Miller. This “fun” doesn’t come in serving ourselves; our joy comes from serving the Lord! Don’t be lovers of self rather than lovers of God.
Who is “Mr. Miller”?
I know of an author named Donald Miller. Maybe you mean that guy? I just heard him speak at Storyline this past weekend and can assure you he gets the “love God” part and is inspiring people to step out of comfortability and into God passion. As someone who grew up in formal church and now struggles to feel loved apart from “performance” and “duty” I have desperately needed to be given permission to step away from those two words “ought” and “to”. Why? In order to find the heart behind it all. Too often religion overlooks the heart and asks for productive religious behavior instead. I believe God
uniquely created the “wants” of my heart in order for me to fruitfully live Him and Love people. And I am extremely clear after hearing “mr miller” this past week, that he would say the same.
Life is a blessing that comes with responsibility. In the U.S. we have an idea that a full life involves sucking up everything we can possibly claim as a blessing. But that’s only half of it. There are times we are supposed to be a blessing and that’s not always fun.
I work in the public education system and I do not see a younger generation that needs to have more fun. Instead, I see one that has been robbed of the knowledge that sometimes there is an “ought to” that we are responsible for even when we don’t feel like it.
Jesus wasn’t having fun at the moment he fulfilled his purpose.
Honestly, I do have to fight the “ought to” feeling a bit. But I’m getting much better at it (as evidenced by the beer and popcorn dinner I just ate). Most often I find the “ought to” disappears when I talk with God about it. (Okay, I didn’t talk with Him about the dinner menu-but did invite Him to join me.)
Sometimes I end up doing the very thing I didn’t think I wanted to do, but once the guilt is removed, I find I want to do it. And sometimes the need to do the task gets removed from me altogether. Generally, I do give much more, and from the heart, when I don’t come from the place of “ought.”
“Ought to” is very like “should.” An excerpt from Gabriel Heath’s “Confessions of a Would-Be Husband: A Rollicking Horny Tale of Christian Chastity”
So, you shouldn’t talk about how you feel. You should simply say you do feel how you should feel, or that you are properly chastened by your failure to feel as you should. “Help me, Lord to feel as I should toward You. My heart is so cold, I barely feel anything. Make my heart burn for You! This isn’t working. MAKE it work!” (I can’t imagine saying anything like that to a girl I cared about even slightly.)
So it isn’t safe to show your genuine feelings in those circles. So you should yourself. You should yourself in the foot. Eventually you are full of should and very little else. Should is a word used by people who want to be judged by their loftiest intentions or claims, and not by how they actually live or what they can actually achieve.
If you buy into it enough, you have to start hiding your feelings from yourself. Eventually your true inner self is not going to grow, is not going to become known to you in delicate onion layers, even if God wants you to see it and learn to deal with it all.
“Should yourself in the foot.” I love it!
Oughts are everywhere, even in “good” things. I’m an artist with ADHD and find it tough to keep my mind organized and to stay internally motivated. I have all sorts of things that I want to create but consistently feel like I’m not doing enough. This is because I can imagine so much but can only do a small amount on a daily basis. The discrepancy is painful. This can lead to some very unfortunate “oughts” that can really mess with my passion.
I love serving, however I spent many years doing the service that others thought I “ought to” do. It did not bring satisfaction…in fact most of the time it brought frustration and boredom. I started stepping back and stopped listening to the “ought to’s” and started asking God to put opportunities in front of me. I waited for HIM to speak about my gifts, talents and abilities instead of others. It’s tough sometimes to hear His voice, but I found that when I found this discernment, the opportunities brought “fun” and tons of mercy and grace. No more “ought to’s” here. Most often, they are best left to someone with skills other than my own. I stick to the “I will’s” that click with His inner voice in me.
This really hit home. My 16-year-old daughter (who volunteers at an assisted living center and the local library) was venting to me the other day about how she’s tired of people telling her, “Oh, that will look great on your college apps.” “I do these things because I ENJOY them; I WANT to do them even if nobody knows!” she said. That was pretty convicting and inspiring.
Wow, you have an interesting daughter. I just taught Honors world history for two years and I quit teaching those classes because of how many kids were the opposite. I found most were very interested in their resumes. It was very disheartening. it’s good to hear about kids who really care.
I wouldn’t blame the kids too harshly; too many of our middle class and upper class kids are hammered from pre-school about how important it is to get into the “right” schools, how they need to do all these activities so they can get into a “good” school and have “good” lives.
Between being pushed like sled dogs and bailed out of trouble when they inevitably rebel and act out, some students (especially respectable churchgoing ones) really wouldn’t know an authentic want or interest if it latched onto their face like that creature from “Alien.”
This is why I understand the “call” of God as an overwhelming desire to do something. Obviously we have to be critical of our desires, but the call of God goes hand-in-hand with true joy.
This goes along with a motto (for lack of a better word) I have advocated for years: Just because it is important, doesn’t mean it has to be serious. Also, the discussion in the comments prompted by this post goes along with a discussion I was part of tonight regarding the parable of the prodigal son… we are all the younger son in God’s eyes, but most of us slip into “older son” mode too often. God wants us to receive His forgiveness and love and in return love spending time with Him and love loving Him. But too often we think that in return for God’s forgiveness and love we “ought to” be better Christians, pray more, sin less, do everything “right.” We get so caught up in the “ought to” that we forget what matters most is the relationship…BEING with God and being present to His Holy Presence in our lives.
This is why I’ve given up on the idea of being ministry minded. After 8 years of full time volunteer service in a large church, I was put on full time staff and laid off 8 months later. The thing is; those last 8 months were the worst months of the entire 8+ years I served full time at that church. The second I became a staff member I was bogged down in “ought to” and not what I was gifted to do. I wasn’t encouraged to keep doing the things which had given me joy for 8 years and it all became about the business of the church, which I absolutely hated.
It’s only recently I’ve come to realize how lucky I was in being laid off and being taken on a 2.5 year journey to realize my true goal in this life is to create; in the world, not the church. My ministry is not doing ministry, not getting bogged down in the “oughts” and living out of my true gifts, and giving it to the world, openly and freely.
I think this is one reason why I love your blog so much. It seems you live the same way and I like reading from someone who is learning how to be a creative and a Christian without the burden of just creating FOR Christians. It gives me hope.
Hi Mr Miller,
I poked around your site but couldn’t find an e-mail address so i thought i’d just leave you a comment here on your blog. Your surgeon friend sounds like a real good guy, i wish i had an avenue to help people with the same joy
In any event, i’m writing just to let you know that i’ve read your books Blue Like Jazz and Searching For God Knows What and that i learned so much from going through them. I identify as agnostic on a spiritual journey, and though i’m not saying i underwent any sort of conversion experience, it was through your books that i truly came to understand the capacity of a person to have an actual Relationship With God… not just in a theological, religious-fanaticky sort of way, but in a real specific interpersonal way. I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to that, and i feel now like there’s this whole region of my brain that i’ve not utilized in my search for God. Cognition is one thing, but i think my right emotional brain has been out of reach and you opened the door for me to explore that part of it.
I’m sure you get it all the time, but thanks for sharing your experience so openly and sincerely, you’re a great inspiration to people like me
Sandra
Letting go of the “oughts” has worked well for me. But some of the people I love have this crazy personality type where they love -duty- and being responsible and following the rules. And for them, I think living by the “ought to”s is almost fun for them. So I’d like to propose them as an exception.
As I sit and try and come up with examples of such obligatory deeds, I truly canno think of any. I believe that living the Gospel is the most rewarding way to live. The things that I do in my community are not “ought to’s”, but “get to’s”. That is to say, I think that I have chosen to keep myself busy doing things I enjoy, like ministering in pubs. Likewise, I have intentionally avoided doing music ministry at local churches because, although I have spent years doing so, I have no desire to do that. And I think that “desire” has to count for something, doesn’t it?
In the vein of enjoying our life as we follow Jesus, I’ve been struck by the depiction of Jesus in the “he TVisual Bible: Matthew” film which shows the delight Jesus took in healing and loving people, and in life itself.
My last 6 months have been spent living this. Shedding the oughts. Don’t tell anyone I told
you, but it’s delightful, and I’m going to keep at it.
I agree with your post. I think we should be doing things and loving people for the right reasons (because it brings us joy) and not just out of a sense of obligation (ought to). We should want to love our neighbor but sometimes we need to do it because we ought to but we can pray and ask God to change our hearts. We should all want to exercise and eat right because God gave us these bodies but again, sometimes we have to force ourselves to do the right thing. However, I’ve found that sometimes the “fake it until you make it” approach works when you start actively changing your attitude and asking God for His help in doing so.
I also agree with your picture — I just saw Rio last night and there definately Ought To Be More Dancing!! We should do the things we enjoy because that blesses us, blesses God, and blesses others when we do!
Don, thanks for the story and thought-provoking reflections. I wonder if our motivation needs to come from a variety of places in order to sustain us for the long haul. Ultimately, if we get enjoyment out of something I think it helps to keep us going. This needs to be distinguished from that which can lead to addiction and enslavement to pleasure.
A sense of responsibility is important, but that alone won’t keep me going for the long haul. A sense of enjoyment at various points along the way motivates me to give 100% whereas responsibility alone can become pure drudgery.
The greatest motivator, however, when the going gets tough might be love. I think that is what drove Jesus to the cross.
This is why I think our first priority as Christians is to connect with God, and to partake in his life. As we do so, he will change our hearts. Christianity can’t first be about service (and or social justice, etc.). As we come to know God’s love, we will want to share it. If we’re connected to God’s life, we will bring forth the fruit of the Spirit.
[...] Part 1. Part 2. [...]
I think this is exactly what it looks like when we choose to be crucified with Christ and we find the freedom that comes with that choice.
pretty sure it was psychologist, Albert Ellis who once stated, “quit shoulding all over yourself.”
Yup. And Gabriel Heath then continued in that vein in “Confessions of a Would-Be Husband” with “So you should yourself. You should yourself in the foot. Eventually you are full of should and very little else. “
[...] Miller posted Two Words That Kill Passion, on his blog today. In it he described how his friend, a successful surgeon, suggests that those [...]
Excellent post, Donald. First time visitor here, and I’m impressed. This is something the entire church needs to take into consideration. We search so hard for motivation to provide for people, when they “ought to” find motive power in joy, passion, and desire to serve God.
I’ve spent years, I mean years feeling guilty and doing lot’s of “ought to’s” although I have reputation of a fun easy going guy. Lemme give you two more words that quench passion. ” Try Harder”.
Don,
This is a great point. Especially reading through Acts. It was all about, Wow this is amazing let’s go tell people. The church grew too, what 2,000 people got effected during one open air… I don’t think any one had to preach the Gospel. Even though yes Jesus did mention something about it, we did label it “Great Commission” and made it a requirement. But is it a requirement or more of spilling of what is on the inside? Sadly enough we see it more of command or like the Mosaic law…
Good post good post!!
[...] Miller has been writing about two deadly words to the soul: ought to. In his second post, he is good to point out that guilt isn’t always bad. It is also true [...]
I read somewhere (I can’t remember where) about someone who had a banner or sign hanging in their house that said, “Thou shalt not should on thyself.”
Thanks for this post.
Don, what would you advise someone who feels like his entire life is in need of overhaul?
I know that’s a really weird question for someone to ask in response to this blog, but I feel like there are “ought to”s everywhere these days, in terms of everything from my professional life to my personal life to my spiritual life, and it can be a bit overwhelming to be honest.
[...] Two words that kill passion: “ought to.” [...]
Great thoughts. I am learning to follow the joy, the things I enjoy not the things that ease the pain of life.
[...] two parter by Donald Miller dealing with serving out of Joy rather than Guilt: Two Words that Kill Passion and Moving from ought to to want [...]
[...] few weeks ago Miller wrote two posts about how we are too often motivated toward good works by guilt and obligation, and that it [...]
My life changed drastically when I took “should” out of my vocab. I am so much happier than I have ever been and feel much more productive. It was quite the process moving away from saying should but it has been so rewarding.
Just wanted to come back and add another comment.
I’ve been thinking about this post quite a bit…it is amazing how many of my “want to’s” somehow, through time, became “ought to’s”.
I am reclaiming many of them back as no, I actually WANT to do that.
I think sometimes, the ho-hum of life can steal a bit of joy from even the things we love and want to do in life.
Thanks again for a new/fresh perspective. It has been helpful.
[...] It’s Fun By Gary Mintchell Donald Miller was talking with a heart surgeon who has done marvelous work helping thousands of people aside from his practice. “When I [...]
Two narrow minded bigots agreeing with each other. Wow, big surprise.
He assumes Evangelicals (his use of the word is odd, suggesting he’s probably a Liberal pseudo-”Christian” who enjoys hating real Christians) do all charitable work, grudgingly and only because they feel they’ll be punished by God if they don’t. And not for one second did it occur to you what a blatant bigot the guy is.
And before you try to claim he has to be an all-around swell guy because he does charity work–so do Muslims, who cheer when Israeli children are blown up; so do tobacco companies, who then spend 20 times as much telling everyone how nice they are that they helped some charity. Evil people do lots of good things, usually because they are trying to rationalize their evil.
Sad, really sad that you laud this guys hatred of Christians, and then add to it with broad over-generalizations and basically missing the real point: If you only do it because it’s “fun” then would you still do the right thing if it wasn’t?
@Danny. You kind of miss the point. The point is that God wants you to serve him out of devotion not obligation.
“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.” – Hosea 6:6
Howdy, Don
Found you through a Google search on “Christian” and “guilt” and “passion”
Anyway, my daughter just graduated summa cum laude from a Christian college and she’s totally burned out on religion. All it has done is make her miserable. She’s a perfectionist, so to her, God is a harsh, unloving taskmaster. She thinks in black and white terms: either she’s PERFECT or she’s LAZY
Anyway, she has started a blog, to try to grapple will some of her thoughts. The tagline for her blog is “Looking for truth after graduating from Christian college with a degree in Bible-theology.”
Here’s the link to her blog. It would be great if you could become a Follower and just give her the benefit of your perspective – whether or not that perspective is religion-friendly. Just as long as it’s YOUR perspective.
Lastly, please don’t let on that I told you about her blog. I mean, don’t lie if she asks you, but don’t offer that info unless you have to
Here’s the URL, again:
http://searchingfornorth.blogspot.com/
Please cc this email to other women you know who know who have dealt with perfectionism.
Thanks
P.S. – I’m sure I sound like a meddling, manipulative parent. Maybe I am. But I don’t really care what you say to my daughter. Your answers don’t have to be Politically Correct in terms of Evangelicalism. For me, I’m always suspicious of Easy Answers. You can tell her to just ditch the whole Christianity thing. That’s fine with me. Just so she knows someone is listening. Other than me.
– john
This message is completely needed today. Thanks for writing this.
[...] Miller is the one who got me thinking about this concept. He writes about “2 words that kill passion” on his [...]
Reminds me of when I learned to stop allowing others to should on me. I used to spend most of my time in ministry should-ing and the joy was lost. Now I see the should coming and just say no.
Thanks Donald, you are a true modern day Oracle of truth. Thank you for your courage!
[...] recently read a blog post by Donald Miller about the two words that kill passion. Those words are: “Ought [...]
I think that goodness can be an innate quality, much of which is kind of hard to explain and should just be encouraged/developed wherever possible; however I do know that when you point your life towards God all things in your life will fall into place.
He made some good points. It seems like we spend a great deal of time focusing on telling people what they “ought to” do, when we should be focusing on who they are. In other words, if we want to see changed lives we must first seek changed hearts. At the same time, telling people that they ought to do something is very important. Until we all have perfect love, joy, peace, courage, discipline, etc., etc., we will always need to war against carnality and choose obedience ( what we ought to do) despite our desire to sin. Take love for example. Agape love is and unconditional love of the will or choice. This love is not dependent on circumstances or the actions of others. It may be incredibly difficult to love someone, but you deny your desire to ignore or attack them and choose to love them because you ought to (i.e. God commands it).
In short, yes we should enjoy serving the Lord, but at times we need to simply buckle down and do what we “ought to” or we will become slaves to what appeals to us when we should be slaves of Christ.
I will only list two examples, but this point is made all over the Bible.
1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
The appeal to what we ought to do is found between verses 1 and 2. If verse one is true (and it is) the we ought to fulfill verses 2-4.
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
By saying that this act “is your reasonable service,” he is essentially saying that we ought to respond to Christ’s sacrifice and submit ourselves fully to Him
What are your thoughts? Is it a mix of the things that make us happy (the parts that the Lord has sanctified) and the will to do what we rather not–what we “ought to, or should we eradicate the “ought to” and simply do what makes us happy?
sorry the first section of Scripture from my last post is Philippians 2:1-4 and the second section of Scripture is Romans 12:1-2.
[...] Anonymer Chirurg (er sagte das zu Donald Miller, hier klicken für den Artikel) [...]