I was having lunch with an accomplished surgeon recently who told me the two words that will kill the heart fastest are the words “ought to.”
The reason I was having lunch with the surgeon was because I was interviewing him for a potential book. He’s a head surgeon at a nationally renowned hospital and does an enormous amount of charity work, even advising the American military on how their hospital ships can be more efficient while being used in disaster relief. If the average doctor saves hundreds of lives in the span of their career, this guy has likely saved hundreds of thousands.
When I asked why he desires to help so many people, his answer surprised me. He said “because it’s fun.” And then he went on to say “I like helping people because I enjoy it, I’m the opposite of an evangelical.” I don’t know if he knew I was a Christian, but the comment came like a curveball and I had nothing to say. I was so accustomed to the passive guilt complex so many of us hear week after week and in book after book that I knew he’d have no shortage of evidence that Evangelicals are constantly being made to do good things they don’t really feel like doing.
In contrast, as I read through the book of Acts, a defining characteristic of the early church is they felt joy in their work. I don’t see a lot of shame and guilt manipulation in Acts, just a bunch of people who act like they are weirdly in love with each other and with God. And I want to emphasize the word weirdly.
So, I’m debating cutting back on the ought to’s and ramping up the fun. Some aspects of service feel more like duty, and others feel more like fun. I wonder if we stopped the “ought to” aspects of loving people and got more in touch with the kinds of service that come out of our skill sets and passions we wouldn’t be more effective.
Of course there are people who would say if we only did what was fun and not what we ought to we’d not care about other people at all, we’d just be out having sex and getting drunk all the time. If that’s you, I’m really sorry.I mean that. But not everybody is wired that way. If you set most people free from all guilt and shame, they’d likely live normal lives and still be altruistic. I really believe most people are pretty good at moderation and don’t need a guilt trip to govern themselves.
What about you, though? Do you live with a feeling of “ought to” in your life? And if you were more like my new friend the surgeon, doing good things for people because it was a fun and fulfilling way to live, do you think you’d be an even more giving person?
This could not have come at a better time. Thank you for, as always, saying just the right thing!
What about when we say we “ought to” do something because we know that we do enjoy it and have just been lazy. I know that I “ought to” run more often, and I do enjoy it when I do, but finding the time to do it while balancing the rest of life, work, parenting, and being a good husband is all too often difficult.
I keep saying to myself that I ought to write more or paint more or draw more—all things that I find fun—but sometimes doing something just because it’s fun for me doesn’t end up being enough of a reason.
oh your last sentence kills me. but I understand. I want to learn to play Nancy Griffin’s Heavenly Day on my 12 string…and put it off. However, when we make the things that are joyful and life giving for ourselves of less value than say saving starving children then we are not breathing in and out all that God means us to be for our lives and our neighbors and the starving children of the world. we want to call others to life! and therefore we need to be living life fully too. so – you paint and I’m going to track down some sheet music
oh and p.s. I drag my abundance to the gym because…it will be fun later. the gym is the great mundane to-do list so that everything else can happen in my life and so I’m around to have fun, feel good and look mahvalous until I’m 90. It’s subversive fun!
Nate, I get the feeling that you are a very consciencious husband and father, no doubt an excellent work ethic too. I don’t want you to frustrate yourself, brother. It seems you are in a season of life with many demands on your time, and you are making quiet sacrifices of your own interests to be present in the lives of your family. Do I have that right? Try to make time once a week to do one thing that you love and enjoy that is just for you. You will find it healing and rejuvenating. Then come back to the family with something to share.
To both Tamara and Rebecca,
Thank you for your encouraging words. They give me much to think about and ponder today.
yes. i do. it may be a “grass is greener” mentality, but i can’t help but think i’d be more altruistic if i engaged in activities i loved. i know i’d be less stressed. more energized.
this is good stuff…thanks for sharing.
very interesting post. I agree, to a point.
I have chosen to spend my life working with adults and children with disabilities. I have chosen this because I feel that I ought to. I feel that I am able to, and because of this I must. I can love those that not everybody can, so because of that, I ought to.
I do it because I feel I should, if I didn’t who else would.
Yet that doesn’t mean it’s not fun. It can be challenging, crazy, stressing, yet it can be a blast. I love my life, I love what I do.
Just because you ought to do something does not mean that it cannot be fun and enjoyable, either.
But I agree with the guilt tripping. Less “you better serve or you’re going to hell” and more “God called you to serve, give it a try, find an area you enjoy, and it will be fun!”
When I worked in children’s mental health, in what feels like another lifetime, I had a friend who was a hippie, a cannabis aficionado, and a psychologist. He drilled into me that “should” and “ought” were the worst ways to motivate a child or family to change. He told me that those words shoehorn a person in to someone else’s goal, and that they had diminishing returns. He knew I was a Christian and a leader at my church and insisted that I avoid using that language on Sundays.
He was right. There are very real “shoulds” and “oughts” in the faith. But they seldom are adequate tools to make lasting change with.
Thanks Larry. As a mental health worker, thats exactly what I was gonna say.
I think people who live the “ought to” lifestyle have not had a recent or real encounter with the tangible love of God. I am reminded of 1 Thes. 5 that tell us that Christ’s love for us compels us into the world. Not a sense of duty. God thoughts.
We ought to rejoice in all things! And again I say, you oughta rejoice!
I feel like I sometimes start with an “ought to” and end with a “this is fun!” I ought to remember that what God has called me to is actually a thing that gives me great joy.
Did I just totally undercut myself there?
When I read the line “I’m the opposite of an evangelical,” I was taken aback. It hurts to hear something like that, but unfortunately, I can understand why he would feel that way. It’s really easy to fall into the trap of performance-based spirituality. I know I can’t do anything to earn God’s favor, but my human nature makes me want to try.
I think joy in service is born out of coming to an understanding of the full extent of God’s grace and mercy. If you truly believe God loves you unconditionally, then that love naturally pours out to others. That’s what I see happening with the Church in Acts.
I agree that doing things that are the most “fun” for us is ideal, but I don’t think other forms of service should be ignored, either. Someone still has to do the “not fun” stuff, and some things aren’t fun for anyone. From my own personal experience, I’ve found that if my motivation is love (not always the case, unfortunately), it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing; I have fun regardless. For me, the fun is in the fact that I’m serving someone I love (even if I don’t know them), not what I’m doing.
I threw ought to out the window around 8 years ago. I found that when I lived with that word hanging around my neck, I never felt any kind of peace – only drive to accomplish the “un-accomplishable”. I have never felt more free than when I gave up on ought to and started praying for peace. Now, I find the more that I give, the more that I am able to give and it is out of my freedom of choosing to give that others join with me in said giving. So now my prayer is that what others see as I go about my giving isn’t me at all, but God’s love.
Great insight, Don. Most of us live with far too much “ought to” because of fear and guilt.
However, I’m afraid you’re a bit unclear. I would say an individual would only be naturally altruistic if that person was born again, or born of the Spirit. Yes, I believe there is a common grace given by God to all men that provokes charity and goodwill, but the unregenerate man is destined to live a life of selfishness and false motives.
As those who are new creations in Jesus, our spirit – the inner, eternal part of us – now delights in selflessness. For our hearts and minds to have fun along with our spirit we must do just like you said: get rid of the “ought to.” According to the gospel Jesus did everything we ought to. There’s no “ought to” left for us. Only to believe, accept, and receive, then have fun doing what comes natural.
to quote wayne jacobsen…..this phrase kills as well…..should have….I should have….you should have. We should not…. should on ourselves or others…:)
I think that feelings of guilt or “ought to” can begin the process, compelling us to think about others needs, but then it should turn into joy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little dose of “ought to” if it compels us to make a change. I don’t always want to do what I should but often my actions have to proceed my feelings. It is a choice, we can choose to do things joyfully and be fulfilled or grudgingly and be unsatisfied.
Exactly what my husband and I have been talking about the past few days. Thanks for the confirmation!!
It seems that most of the “ought to’s” in the Bible were more for our benefit in a “this is good for you” way as opposed to a “I have no idea how to live life so I’ll just try whatever” attempt.
I enjoy doing things that are good for me – I actually like exercising, eating well, and brushing my teeth (though flossing is a burden). I didn’t when I was younger but was “ought to’d” into it. As a grown-up, I am thankful for learning that discipline as I have pain-free dental visits and am extremely fortunate not to have diet/weight related health problems. I also don’t have to learn these habits, which is much harder as we get older.
Perhaps as spiritual kids, we need to remember what is healthy for us (and usually for others), make it a habit, and joy will follow in a “hey, this is living life well” kind of way. That may look very different for everyone according to their skills and interests.
That being said, I just finished reading “The Happiness Project.” I thought it would be silly but it ended up being one of the most inspiring books I’ve read (present company excepted, of course). It was not a spiritual/Christian book, but the principles are certainly applicable. What skills did God give me and how can I use them in His world? That usually leads to a joyful way of life as opposed to burdensome.
We are fortunate in the West that we have the luxury of making these sort of choices and thinking these issues through. How many cultures allow its citizens the kind of life that lets them decide, “I think I want to be a zumba teacher” and it really works?
Thanks for the post!
Good thoughts. I think what you’re describing is the tension between the Law and the Gospel. The Law is full of “ought to”, and it crushes us when we fail to live up to that (or when our service is done only out of guilt or even selfish desire). But as Darrell said, it’s the Gospel that leads us to *want* to serve others; not just to do it, but actually want to do it. Philippians 2:13 comes to mind – it’s not just the acting, but the very *wanting* to act that comes from God. I think the doctor’s “fun”, from a Christian perspective, is the New Adam that is compelled by the Spirit, and there is real fun and enjoyment in that.
At the same time, the tension we feel about this is the Old Adam still clinging to us, the Old Adam that says that fun = all the sinful rebellious things like you mention, Don. Sadly, we’ll not be able to have that tension go away until we die or until Jesus comes back.
So I’m not sure the categories are “things I like to do that help others” (like leading music or something that’s my passion) and “things I know I should do but I’d really rather not” (like share money with those in need). With the Gospel in mind, the categories become “stuff my Old Adam prompts” (which can even be good works motivated by selfish or begrudging attitudes) and “stuff the New Adam loves to do” (which is really any kind of service, because we’re not focused on us, we’re focused on God and others).
It’s funny how God really did give us freedom, freedom to choose him and freedom to choose to live a life to glorify him. Christ did not have his disciples because he guilted them into following him. I believe they truly enjoyed being with him and I’m not so sure guilt would have gotten them to the commitment level it took to be crucified upside down or boiled in oil. Love and a passion for Christ got them there.
So it’s funny that while God gave us freedom we choose to be weighted down and enslaved by guilt, whether that is guilt from the church or ourselves. Yet the message we are out there trying to tell everyone is how free we are in Christ. No wonder the world has a hard time believing us.
“I wonder if we stopped the “ought to” aspects of loving people and got more in touch with the kinds of service that come out of our skill sets and passions we wouldn’t be more effective…. If you set most people free from all guilt and shame, they’d likely live normal lives and still be altruistic. I really believe most people are pretty good at moderation and don’t need a guilt trip to govern themselves.”
Praise be to God for you saying this! Amen and amen!
Love God and love others.I can say I truly enjoy & LOVE serving people. Sometimes it blows my mind that other people look at serving/helping others as a “chore” It’s in those moments that I am reminded I live in a fallen world. However, I would agree with you Don that most people are good and have good intentions.
I just finished Through Painted Deserts where you and Paul met several good people who helped you guys out! I really x 10 enjoy your books & the way you write! I have read them all and wake up to your blogs every morning. Keep up the good work! You are appreciated!!
totally get your surgeon friend. is he single!?! jk – sorta. I only do what is fun. for me it is fun to treat trauma and dream up ideas of connecting the most traumatized and invisible kids in the US and abroad to resources, play and art. it is tragic and there is a ton of mundane logistics, emails, etc. just as I imagine you have mundane days of pounding out a great paragraph but when the heart of your work is fun like Buechner (sp?) said -the marriage of your great joy to the worlds great need – it is fun and I don’t try to help in ways that are not fun and joyful to me because – I suck at those even if I am capable within the task. I also watch certain tv shows because they are fun- not because I’m bored or lazy. I think you can apply it to everything – it’s where you are living most beautifully and freely. THAT is fun.
oooh, I like this: “the marriage of your great joy to the world’s great need” — and it’s different definition of “fun” than a lot of people would see, but YES. I say YES to you, Tamara!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. It started a couple of Christmases ago when I was looking at the shepherds who saw Jesus after he was born. I realized that they completely unprompted started telling everyone. Same goes for the Church in Acts. I love when Peter is told to stop preaching after being imprisoned and he says, “Can’t help it.” No guilt, no shame, no orders. They couldn’t help it.
I think there is an important key that we can’t miss. They encountered Jesus. That’s where we need to start. We can almost jsut as easily fall into the same trap by saying, I ought to do what is fun. What we need to do is realize Christ’s presence and then we can’t help but do what is good and fun.
Thank you. The days that I can say are “fun days” in my life usually involve doing something for someone else. I just thought I was weird! I’m surrounded by people (Christians) who get their “fun” by taking lots of trips, buying lots of things, and bascially being self-centered. I really was beginning to think that I was weird. Thanks for what you wrote…..I guess I’m just wired in a way to have fun by helping others.
To piggy back Darrell’s comment, in 2 Corinthians 5, Paul says he is compelled because he is convinced of Christ’s love. Jesus started the compelling parade and I want to march in that with him!
Also, many times when I do something out of the “ought to” mentality, I end up being blessed in the end. It turns out to be fun, enjoyable, and fruitful.
I find that “ought to” kills any intentions I have. For example, for many years I felt that I ought to exercise and eat right and didn’t because the pressure of “ought” or even more commonly “should” felt like another chain to carry.
What happened to change that for me was being given a gift of a gym membership – instead of saying “should”, this person said, “Here is an opportunity to do something.” By leaving the choice to me, I chose what was best.
Don, you ought to write a blog about how to have fun as an evangelical
I think as a Jesus-follower, i have learned about how enjoyable life can be, but i’m not sure i would have known that without a substantial push.
i have spent my whole life in the land of “ought to.” over the last several years i have finally been waging war against that thought when it comes into my head. the last few months i have been letting others draw me back into the grip of “ought to.”
you are so maahhh-velous for reminding me that i should not let the “ought to” win.
I lived a life of “ought to” growing up…let me begin by saying that I heard of the Lord when I was almost 15! I attended church regularly and had walked to the church front to accept Jesus, but he did not live in my heart! I am a Hispanic bilingual church leader, serving in a Spanish speaking congregation and it was the same when I was growing up….someone had to translate, someone had to type the letters, someone had to do something, and that someone was usually me!
Through it all I served, because I ought to, because I could and because I enjoy it!
When he finally came into my heart, my life changed! I serve because if I look back to my life I can see how much he has forgiven me and I finally recognized that when He died, he did it so that I could someday have the opportunity of having a relationship with our Father!
The day is now, it is my time to show the world that I ought to serve, because I am the hands, feet, and mouth of Jesus Christ and through me He will share true love with those who need it!
Thank you for the posting….it may me realize that I ought to serve more, so others can see what joy, true service brings to our lives!
I agree with the ought to thing. I remember the opening chapter in your book “Searching for God Knows What” kinda touched on this for me and helped free me. We should do things we are wired to enjoy. Yet there are things we ought to do, and we don’t realize how fulfulling they are unless we get that nudge. Not a guilt trip, but a sense of responsibility I’d call it.
Definitely true….I am always happier when I am serving and loving people in a way in which I have been gifted. I think the hard part for me is knowing when I’m being lazy or not. Then, the “ought to” still leads to guilt, but it’s often because I know I’m being slothful and not doing something that I know will ultimately make me happy…and maybe even allow someome to see the ways in which I love Christ.
For example, something as simple as going for a walk can end up an “ought to”. I like walks because I love His creation and I’m filled with joy, I get to smile and say hello to the people I pass, etc etc. I definitely think lots of things are fun—some are good and positive, and some are not, I admit—but, I certainly dont think it’s good to be all or nothing—either being controlled by the “ought to’s” or disregarding them altogether.
Ok–lunch break over.
Thanks for the post!
Ann
I guess I am one of those you feel sorry for…Often I do things that I ought to do and don’t always feel like doing. Maybe I am narcisitic, lazy, or just sometimes, my heart needs time to catch up with my head.
Technically, reading this post made me feel like “I ought” to feel guilty for sometimes not always finding everything in life fun.
You know, sometimes life sucks and is really hard, but “I ought” to keep on walking inspite of it.
I feel like I ought to love God, that I ought to pray, that I ought to believe Christianity is true, but I don’t. I can’t, and believe me I’ve tried to follow through on those “oughts.” So I guess I’m screwed.
Good post anyway.
How are you screwed, Anna. I don’t think you are screwed. I think you should get in touch with your heart, and leave the “ought to” culture. I wouldn’t let go of God on the journey, though…
You aren’t screwed Anna…or I don’t think you are.
You are courageous for chiming in and I greatly admire that.
Dear precious Anna, the great part of getting to know Jesus is He already likes and loves you! He already went first and is offering His hand to you in friendship. He just wants to know you, and for you to know Him.
He will meet you wherever you are. Just talk to Him, say, “hey, can we have a chat?” He will start showing up in the neatest ways.
YES. The curse of “should”. I am trying to remove “should” from my vocabulary, and replace it with things like “get to” or just “am doing”. It sounds hokey but it really does help shift your perspective.
I really wish we could shed this idea of how we “ought to” be and just get busy being the way God made us to be. I am convinced that that is a better way to bless Him and the world, and by virtue of letting go the struggle, ourselves too…
The thing about growing up in the church, with shoulds and oughts, is that now I’m doing the right things, but my heart isn’t always in it. And this, more than anything, scares me: that my heart isn’t in it. I’m doing it because I should. But shouldn’t I be doing it because I want to? I recently read the book ‘Toxic Faith’ which has given me a lot of insight into some of the shoulds and oughts I grew up with. In many ways I envy the doctor and those like him who do things for the fun of it without being weighed down with the baggage of ought.
Ought is the cousin to obedience. Dying to self is not fun, but I think it is ought. Rejoicing in our weakness is impossible without the Holy Spirit, but even then, I’d have to go with ought over “fun”. Jesus wept in the garden and on his way to Jerusalem. Often, obedience is not fun.
That said, your point is well taken that service should often be fun. What could be better than serving God and man? For us selfish humans, obedience (ought) often must come before the Holy Spirit transforms our hearts enough to make service to others fun.
Joel, I hear you, but I think Jesus wanted to obey the father, and so he did. And it brought God joy to come after us, because he loved us. in addition, the early church were filled with joy. so I don’t think it’s an either/or question. God does what he loves, and nothing he does not love, otherwise he would not be God. his motivation is always love. Did christ want to die on the cross? Yes, we know this because he did. Did he want to feel pain? No. Did he do it because he “ought to” have? No, he did it because he loved the father, and loved us. I don’t believe he died on the cross out of a sense of personal guilt or shame, if that makes sense.
I like to think I am not one of your “extremers” but I sometimes am, so I like how you unpacked that a bit in your comment back to Joel. It was helpful…especially the last line.
Several years ago, my marriage fell apart in a heartbreaking fashion. My mother died 6 months prior, so my son and I were living with my dad.
One night, I felt compelled to ask my dad why he had stayed with my mom. “When mom was so sick, you stayed, you loved her and you took care of her, and even when it was so hard you never left her. why?”
(Yes, a seemingly silly question, but I had experienced the opposite, so even at 32, I needed him to voice it to me.)
He looked at me and said in a determined voice, “Shelly, your mom was my best friend. Why would I have ever left her when she needed me the most. Leaving her wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. I didn’t want to live without her. I loved her.”
Love removes so many “ought to’s”…but when love is missing, so many “get to’s” become “ought to’s.”
Gosh, I needed to remember that story tonight.
Sorry for the long comment, but Thanks!
Shellybell, your dads comment could have come right out of my mouth. We had the same situation, and I wouldn’t have missed loving her in her time of greatest need for anything. It was an honor to love my best friend.
You are right, in the presence of real Love “ought to’s” and other churchy control words just melt away.
Brian and Shelly and Don,
Gee for some reason I feel like the only person in the world who thinks ought is not bad. Guilt and shame are bad. Ought is just responsibility (to me). Same as all fun is not good.
From a slightly different perspective, it would be great if we could start from love and just stay there. But it seems to me like “ought” is a pathway to love. In the same way the law was a pathway to grace. Pretty churchy, huh? Oh well. Be blessed!
Don, I absolutely agree that Jesus acted in love (and by the way, I love your blog).
I guess I don’t associate “ought” with guilt and shame. That’s the biggest difference between our positions. But I also don’t equate “fun” with joy and I believe you can act in love without something being “fun”. Your point is very, very valid that we need to be move joyful which is totally an act of the Spirit as opposed to a choice to pursue service that is fun and can easily be done out of our own power to love. How about tackling something we can only do out of the love of God? Something only God could do, like loving and praying for our enemies. I suck at this, but God keeps reminding me that through Him all things are possible.
What say you?
Joel…so much comes down to semantics doesn’t it! I too was struggling with a few things because of how my definitions (whether mine are right or wrong) fit in with what Don was saying.
Also, I like your additional points. Joy and fun are much different to me as well.
It was a joy for my dad to care for my mom till the day she died. He would have done nothing else, but I guarantee you, it wasn’t fun to do or to watch her suffer like that.
BUT, my dad will also say that the last 5 years of their 39 year marriage were some of the most fun. He says God blessed their marriage in remarkable ways those last 5 years.
I would say that those who LOVE and live with JOY get to experience the impossible become possible.
Shelly,
I couldn’t agree more. Please be filled with love and joy this day!
Ought to gets me and so does try. I will try to get that done before such and such deadline. This may not be the forum to quote Yoda, but, “do or do not, there is not try.”
I like this a lot, but it seems to live in tension with the penultimate “ought to’s” of life. Like Gethsemane, for Jesus. It wasn’t all about bringing wine to weddings and partying with the tax collectors.
I agree, but this seems to be an either/or perspective. I don’t think anything really fits into this breakdown easily. There are, of course, thing’s we ought to do. If you take my blog to an extreme, it’s fairly easy to disagree with. Thanks for chiming in!
I agree it is not either/or! We learn more about Gethsemane in Hebrews 12, that it was about “the joy set before Him.” Paul David Hewson in his poem “Yahweh” has a line that goes “always pain before a child is born”. I don’t disagree, but am looking to test and approve (as frequently inspired by your blog).
“I’m debating cutting back on the ought to’s and ramping up the fun” – why are you debating? Just do it! haha. Sounds good to me! (this coming from a recovering pharisee)
Isn’t that what freedom is? It’s not doing whatever we want to do, but doing things that bring us life? I know I’m going to sound really reformed here, but I actually don’t think most people are good in moderation. I think left to our own vices, we tend to wreak havoc. But I also think that’s because we haven’t really experienced true love and the freedom that love brings. We ask for the rules because it’s easier to live that way. But to live in freedom… now there’s a concept.
Don–
I got the poster and it was sick! Thank you so much.
However, for the material at hand I would agree with you whole heartedly. This mentality is the reason I have stepped down from a worship leading position and am instead focusing on my sociological studies at my university. I honestly feel like God gives us stuff that we are good at/enjoy doing for a reason. It only makes sense to persue those things. I am not saying that God hasn’t gifted me with music and singing, but right now doing that for a church became a chore, and I likened it to begrudgingly giving God a goat when I could have been enthusiastically giving him a sheep.
Good post!
I’ve written a few posts on my blog (sorry for the plug, not my intention) about how lists of should-be’s, or as you say ought-to, have no power to make the person want to do it. It’s just guilt, and does not nothing to move or transform the heart. fantastic post.
This reminds me of the sermon given this past Sunday at the church I was attending.
The scripture was Romans 12:9, “Let love be without hypocrisy…”
Another way to say that is, “Love everyone, genuinely.”
I’m a college student and am constantly looking for ways to give back and be involved and have that altruistic view of changing the world for the better. It makes me so sad to hear nonbelievers talk about Christians as ones who hate. That’s not what my Jesus teaches. He teaches love.
So for Christians to have the motivation of, “Well, I suppose I ought to love those atheists/AIDS orphans/homeless/homosexuals/sex trafficked/undesirable peoples…”, I truly do not believe that is how Jesus wants us to “love genuinely.”
Thanks for posting this blog article. It just reaffirms that we all need to be reminded from time to time what Christian love really looks like.
For me fun led to service, then service to more fun, so I built an organization to serve more, which started out fun, then I started measuring service and not fun, then I incorporated that org into another to serve even more, then suddenly my life was systematically evaluated by my performance on more “oughts” than I could have ever imagined.
Church movements and careers often go down the same road. Hard to discern what to do once you find yourself with kids and a wife depending on me doing well on my oughts(for churches it might be salaries,building funds or esteem needs).
Luckily nobody at the Christian ministry where I work would ever read me typing these words on Donald Miller’s blog. Uh-oh.
I guess it all depends on your definition of fun. There is selfish fun which is like taking a drug. A high comes and then the medicine wears off and then it goes, and you are left with nothing. And then there is fun that arises from purpose. You do something good for someone else and that feeling lasts a lifetime.
I enjoyed reading this post and all the comments. For many years I grimly did my duty in the church and HATED it! Then a few years ago I stopped attending and it was bliss! Now I’m starting to attend a church again but it’s on my terms, and I only do things that I really want to do.
And I can honestly say that I’m having fun, and people seem better able to connect with me. So now my motto is this: Only do what you enjoy. Of course, there are times you have to do things that are not fun (like scrubbing toilets) but then just do it quickly and move on. Don’t dwell on it. Find fun everywhere!
I am so thankful that I read this quote a few years ago .. it changed my life.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman (Theologian)
I was in the middle of a faith crisis when I first read this … my pendulum could easily have swung over to a serious ‘ought to’ mentality, but instead I read this and I have never felt more alive and hopeful than I do today. Life might not always be good … but I aim to live fully alive every day … and what fun it is!
(btw … I’ve written a few posts over the past few years using this quote as a base … and today happens to be one of those days)
Sure, I oughta never have slept with that 17 year old guy and fallen pregnant and had a baby in my teens. But if I hadn’t, I would never have had my son, now 23, or married his father, or gone on to have three more fantastic children and a wonderful family I’d never have had, if I’d done what I oughta. Sure, I shoulda stuck with my own business a few years ago and I’d have been able to buy my own house by now, and have stopped paying rent to a landlord. Except for the fact that if I did I wouldn’t be working in mental health, using all the gifts God gave me, going way against the grain of anything anyone in my family has ever done before and feeling more alive than I ever have in my life. It’s not the mistakes you avoid that make your life a great one, it’s what you do with the consequences of your actions.
are you saying people actually do good things for people for reasons OTHER than it being because it’s fun and fulfilling?
…weird.
Funny, John Piper probably won’t be the most popular name in these parts, but he kinda says the same thing you’re saying here in ‘Desiring God’. He modifies the Westminster Catechism of “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (as in you ought to enjoy God) to “Man’s chief end is to glorify God by enjoying him forever”, as in enjoying his gifts, pleasures, delight, all the good things of this world. Have fun! That actually glorifies God!
Piper goes on to say that in his early years “I found an overwhelming longing to be happy, a tremendously powerful impulse to seek pleasure, yet at every point of moral decision I said to myself that this impulse should have no influence… My vague notion that the higher the activity, the less there must be of self-interest in it caused to me think of worship solely in terms of duty (ought to!). And that cuts the heart out of it.”
There you go Don, you and John Piper have something in common. I’m not sure whether picking holes in Rob Bell comes under fun or duty for him though…
That’s a cute idea. But the fact is he enjoys doing something he ought to do. It doesn’t change whether our not he should do it. The hope is that we would serve with a cheerful heart. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t serve when we’re not having fun, and it doesn’t mean we should only do things that are fun and ignore the oughts.
Good stuff. So you’re saying I “ought to” stop acting out of guilt and duty and I “ought to” focus instead on the joy that comes from living passionately for God.
Here’s the deal, sometimes I need a kick in the butt!
Really, sometimes I need to be reminded of who I am. Who I really am. I need someone to call me out of the darkness. Like the proverbial slap in the face, I need someone to shake me by the shoulders and say, “Snap out of it!”
For instance, I like good food– really good healthy stuff. It makes me feel better, it taste good. It makes me appreciate having a body with taste buds and senses, and just being human. However, I’m pretty lazy, so I often find myself slogging through another cheese burger and fries and feeling like a big tub of saturated fat. At times like these I need a prophet to say, “Repent!” I need an alarm bell to wake me up.
I’m not saying that we should be motivated by guilt or blind duty, but just that sometimes it takes a stark message to get us back into that place where we an experience the joy and freedom that come from God. Remember Ananias and Sapphira? There in the book of acts too.
I’ve got four little boys (4, 6, 9, and 11 years old). I cannot always convince them that going to the Science Center will be fun, or that eating Lasagna tastes good. Sometimes I just have to say, “Your coming with me” or “You’re going to try one bite.” And they do, they come and they try, maybe out of duty or compulsion, but they take that first step, and then they learn how good it really is. Their faces light up. I see their joy and in makes my joy complete.
Christ is like that. He says, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” And we do, afraid and uncertain, only to learn that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. He calls us to die. And when we do, we experience life.
Some people are blessed with a “tongues of fire” experience that moves them from an ought-to, while others seem to mature out of ought-to, and still others never even get to the ought-to. I think God’s crayon box has lots of colors for a reason…and the reason is not for me…