Yesterday I blogged about a doctor who does amazing work around the world, work many would call a sacrifice, yet he referred to the work as “fun.” I also mentioned that because he did this work for fun and not out of guilt, he called himself the “opposite of an evangelical.” I think he was on to something, though. I think he looked at evangelicals and realized they weren’t joyful people, they were people motivated by shame and guilt. It’s a generalization, for sure, but it’s a generalization based on some accurate perceptions. I recommend making some changes, then.
What I’m getting at is a shift that could add a lot of joy to your life. What I am about to say is going to sound arrogant and lacking in heart. But I’d love for you to consider a few ideas:
I did an interview today and was asked about how I make decisions regarding helping others. I told the interviewer if I encounter somebody in need but don’t feel like helping them, I usually don’t. It sounds terrible, doesn’t it? But I explained the reason I don’t is because there are plenty of people I actually do feel like helping. And each of us only has so much time and so many resources, so I can’t choose both.
If I help the people I want to help, I’ll actually follow through, they will sense my sincerity, and the whole experience will be more enjoyable for both of us.
Not only this, but if I help the other person out of a sense of duty, I’m not so much helping them as I’m trying to get rid of my negative feelings of guilt or responsibility. My reasons are marginally selfish: I WANT TO STOP FEELING GUILTY.
Are there times when we should do something because we feel guilty? Sure. But I don’t think there are as many as we think. I don’t want to be driven by guilt, I want to be driven by love.
In the work I do, I’m constantly asking people for help. All kinds of help. But my friends help me, I hope, because they like me, because we are friends, and because they believe in the projects I’m working on, not because they feel guilty. I don’t want anybody to help me because they feel guilty.
So, here’s how I choose where to serve, based on trying to serve for the fun of it and the love of it rather than the “ought to” of it.
1. I try to contribute by offering the kind of help that fits my skill sets, talent and passion. For me, this means either writing advice, blogging advice, marketing help and so on and so on. I could easily go volunteer at my local homeless shelter, but honestly, I’d be much better helping somebody who actually needs my skill and experience and I’d make a much bigger difference in their life. Why wouldn’t I choose to help where I could be the most help?
2. I normally try to serve people I like and respect. This makes serving easy because you just get to hang out and partner with good people. Helping people you like and respect makes helping fun.
3. I try to contribute to projects I believe in and want to see succeed. This doesn’t just mean the other projects aren’t good for the world, it just means they don’t light me up. I’m not excited about all sorts of amazing things. I’m excited for the people who are excited about them, but for whatever reason, I’m just not feeling it with them. Why? Because we are all different, and different things light us up. If I’m going to contribute several hours a week to something, I want it to be toward something I can get behind, daydream about, and help into existence. I don’t want it to feel like work, I want it to feel like fun.
So, an obvious question you might have is: Where’s the sacrifice?
I’ll answer that question in the form of a question: Why do we assume a sacrifice has to feel negative?
Yesterday I had a lot of people comment about this point by saying Jesus made sacrifices in the garden. Specifically, some peoplesaid Jesus didn’t want to die on the cross but he did so out of obligation or duty. I disagree with this idea, at least in part. Let me explain.
I believe the reason Jesus didn’t want to be crucified is because HE WAS SANE! Nobody in their right mind would want to be crucified. In fact, he asked his Father if he could somehow get out of it. Who could blame him? But to say he was crucified even though he didn’t want to be crucified is to take the idea too far. He wanted to sacrifice on our behalf, he just didn’t want to feel the torture and the pain. A mother wants to give birth, but she doesn’t want to feel pain either. Still, if you tell her it’s going to hurt terribly, she’s not going to back out of it, she wants to have the baby. A Dad wakes up and takes care of his crying child, even though he doesn’t want to get out of bed. Are they doing these things out of a sense of duty or obligation? Hopefully not. Hopefully they are making sacrifices BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.
God does the loving thing all the time, even when the loving thing will bring him pain, pain he’d rather avoid. And he does the loving thing because he wants to, because he loves his creation, and because he is love. God is not motivated by guilt, shame or even a sense of duty. He is only motivated by love.
Jesus isn’t in an army, he’s in a family. He’s in a trinitarian relationship in which each member loves the other. They’re not raising the trinitarian flag every morning and saying a pledge, they just LOVE each other. Love is the only motivation God has for anything he does, including acts of justice.
So what does this have to do with you? A lot. I think doing things because we want to, out of a loving motivation, is better than doing things out of a sense of duty. In fact, I think dutiful motivations are closely akin to pride, while loving motivations are not.
I know I’ve just lost half of you. But stick with me and think about these ideas. Answer a few questions for me in your mind:
Do you do acts of kindness out of a sense of duty, or out of a sense of enjoyment and love? Do you do acts of kindness to be right, or because you enjoy doing them and are motivated by love? And here’s an even tougher question: Do you enjoy the sacrifices you make for others? And would it be harder to call those sacrifices sacrifices if you genuinely enjoyed the work? Are you getting some kind of martyr complex by doing stuff you don’t want to do? Does it make you proud that you made such a sacrifice? And if you are getting a sense of pride for your sacrifice, is it really a sacrifice by your definition, after all, you’re kind of getting paid for it…
If you asked your dad why he sacrifices so much for you, which answer would be more affirming, an answer in which he stated it was his duty as a father, or an answer in which he just said “because I love you.” Which answer seems more selfless?
And let me ask you a final question. Think about it for a while, maybe for a few days. Can you imagine a life in which you were no longer motivated by guilt, shame or a sense of duty? Can you imagine a life in which you served God out of love and enjoyment and even fun? Would you feel okay with God if you were actually happy? If not, I want to suggest you’ve fallen into a religious kind of trap that may be far removed from the joy of loving and knowing and serving God.
If you’d like a more joyful life, start serving in the ways God has gifted you to serve, and cut out all the duty and obligation and pride crap. No kidding. If you are teaching Sunday School out of a sense of obligation, stop. Literally stop as soon as you can. Instead, find something that gets you fired up. Who knows what that something is… Maybe it’s plumbing or carpentry work, maybe it’s counseling executives, maybe it’s walking people’s dogs or planting a community garden. Who knows, but serve in a way God has wired you to serve. He actually wants you to enjoy it, not offer it to him as some sort of sad sacrifice. Can you imagine your earthly father wanting you to be miserable all the time? Why do we imagine God would be so dysfunctional and, well, mean?
Make the kinds of sacrifices that you LOVE to make. In other words, be like God.
I appreciate what you are saying here, but think you are missing something. If we read Matthew 5 it says we are to love our enemies, to pray for our enemies… when was the last time I wanted to do that? (Actually, I do enjoy praying for my enemies at times and at other times not so much…) We don’t always get to choose who to serve or how to serve. And maybe this is a good thing. What if God brings the most annoying person into our lives? Do we walk away? Or do we choose to serve with a heart of gladness? And if we don’t have the heart, are we willing to come to God in prayer to ask Him to give us new hearts?
I think you are onto something, but too narrow in your conclusion. Not radical enough.
Instead of saying, “…and cut out all the duty and obligation and pride crap. No kidding. If you are teaching Sunday School out of a sense of obligation, stop. Literally stop as soon as you can.”
It would have been better to say something like this, “and if serving feels like an obligation then pray to God and ask Him to give you a new heart, a bigger heart to find joy in serving God as you serve others. So if you’re teaching Sunday school out of a sense of obligation, then maybe you should stop. But maybe, before you quit, you might consider praying and asking God to give you a new heart to enjoy serving in this area or this person/people (or serving in other areas).”
Matt. 5 also tells us to be perfect as our Heavenly father is perfect. That’s a duty. But God supplies what He demands. So God says we must clean our hearts, and then God washes our hearts for us. God says we must delight in Him and then God gives us His Spirit so that we might delight in Him. God says we must become like Christ and then God comes into our hearts and works on us to make us more like Christ.
God tells us to enjoy Him and to serve with thankfulness and then God gives us new hearts, and bigger hearts, to serve in joy and thankfulness (not as men-pleasers, but doing it out of joy for the Lord).
Sometimes serving is not fun or enjoyable and if we take what you’re saying here too far then we should just quit when the serving ceases to be fun or pleasant. When all love for serving seems to have left our hearts. But instead of taking the boot off why not go to God and ask for renewed delights? A new heart? A bigger heart? We may still kick off the boots and put on some different footwear, but let’s go to God first.
“Sometimes serving is not fun or enjoyable and if we take what you’re saying here too far then we should just quit when the serving ceases to be fun or pleasant.”
Not necessarily. Just like being a parent is always fun or enjoyable. Or even if you have a job you love, there are going to be times you don’t love it. I think what Don is saying that you are more likely to stick by it if you have a passion for it then doing it out of guilt and obligation.
isn’t**
I prayed for new heart once because I was resentful and annoyed in the situation I was in. And then an even more frustrating situation came along soon after. And then I realised the new heart was up to me, not God.
Below is a chapter from a book written by John Piper. Think it coincides well with your comments above on Jesus’ desire for the cross.
To Become a Ransom
for Many
The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve,
and to give his life as a ransom for many.
M a r k 1 0 : 4 5
There is no thought in the Bible that Satan had to be paid off
to let sinners be saved. What happened to Satan when Christ
died was not payment, but defeat. The Son of God became human
so “that through death he might destroy the one who has the
power of death, that is, the devil” (Hebrews 2:14). There was no
negotiation.
When Jesus says that he came “to give his life as a ransom,”
the focus is not on who gets the payment. The focus is on his own
life as the payment, and on his freedom in serving rather than
being served, and on the “many” who will benefit from the payment
he makes.
If we ask who received the ransom, the biblical answer would
surely be God. The Bible says that Christ “gave himself up for us,
[an] . . . offering . . . to God” (Ephesians 5:2). Christ “offered himself
without blemish to God” (Hebrews 9:14). The whole need for
a substitute to die on our behalf is because we have sinned against
God and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). And
because of our sin, “the whole world [is] held accountable to
God” (Romans 3:19). So when Christ gives himself as a ransom
Christ Suffered and Died . . .
34
8
for us, the Bible says that we are freed from the condemnation of
God. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are
in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). The ultimate captivity from which
we need release is the final “judgment of God” (Romans 2:2;
Revelation 14:7).
The ransom price of this release from God’s condemnation is
the life of Christ. Not just his life lived, but his life given up in
death. Jesus said repeatedly to his disciples, “The Son of Man is
going to be delivered into the hands of men, and they will kill him”
(Mark 9:31). In fact, one of the reasons Jesus loved to call himself
“the Son of Man” (over sixty-five times in the Gospels) was that
it had the ring of mortality about it. Men can die. That’s why he
had to be one. The ransom could only be paid by the Son of Man,
because the ransom was a life given up in death.
The price was not coerced from him. That’s the point of saying,
“The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve.” He
needed no service from us. He was the giver, not the receiver. “No
one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord”
(John 10:18). The price was paid freely; it was not forced. Which
brings us again to his love. He freely chose to rescue us at the cost
of his life.
How many did Christ effectively ransom from sin? He said
that he came “to give his life as a ransom for many.” Yet not everyone
will be ransomed from the wrath of God. But the offer is for
everyone. “There is one mediator between God and men, the man
Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all” (1 Timothy
2:5-6). No one is excluded from this salvation who embraces the
treasure of the ransoming Christ.
35
Amen! It’s essential to discern between godly guilt and ungodly guilt! Here’s a guest blog post I shared last week. Perhaps it will help someone! http://elevate4women.com/2011/04/guest-post-susan-lawrence-on-guilt-shame-and-grace/
Don,
Another brilliant post!
I completely agree but I would add that we are to know, love and serve the poor – I take that as one of the few mandates of Jesus however that has been dragged through the mud hole of guilt too! That doesn’t mean you Don cooking a vat of soup but it could mean you teaching a writing course for a group of homeless teens that builds skills and relationships or coaching the director on how to improve their materials which also builds skills and relationship. Essentially this way of thinking and living calls upon us to live relationally – starting with our relationship to ourselves so we know how God wants us to reflect him in the world and how God wants us to recognize and respond to him – to his wooing of us and all those around us. Get rid of the guilt and bring on the ‘wooing’. My little girl wants to be an artist and my son an engineer. I want them to be successful, fulfilled and brimming with joy and out of that I KNOW they will find joyful ways to be a true, tire meets the road, poet sings his song blessing to their world. I think what you are onto these last few days may bring healing to your readers. I hope so.
however, I ran innercity ministries forever and had surgeons, poets, CEO’s making coffee, sweeping floors, counseling broken kids and not using their ‘work’ skills at all. They loved it, were challenged and learned things about God, their communities and themselves that they otherwise would never have. So – I do caution you Don and your readers about keeping your lives only within your ‘skillset’ or ‘work’…do you do anything that doesn’t involve you being a writer? If not, then perhaps you are missing out. Something to think about…don’t get to safe and sure of yourself or define your life too narrowly.
I love this blog post. I recently got annoyed with someone’s statement saying that we’ve already forgotten about Japan. I resented that, b/c for one I hadn’t, & for another, I felt like “who is this guy to make others feel guilty b/c we have normal, everyday lives to lead?” Does that mean we stop praying or giving what we can? How about offer a solution if you’re that concerned about it? I believe in serving where you feel passionate-where it’s going to come from the heart, & not out of a sense of obligation. And I do.
So what you’re saying is that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do? This sounds AWESOME! I don’t want to give anything away or spend any time on any one but myself so I’m really pumped that I don’t have to anymore.
(this is sarcasm)
Hey John – I’m sorry you feel the need to be sarcastic in your comment. Perhaps you could bring these questions up to your closest friends and see what you come up with. Also, I recommend checking out this book by Christian authors Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. You may disagree, and that’s fine, but hopefully it will give you the opportunity to see another perspective more clearly. Grace and Peace to you. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
You just missed the whole point. Finding a way to love and help others vs. being plain ol selfish and self centered are two different issues.
Probably shouldn’t have used sarcasm there, but I was trying to show the flaw in this logic. The question I’m trying to raise is “am I obligated to do anything?” and what relation do obligation and joy/sacrifice have.
What if we taught this to kids? I work with kids. They don’t get much joy out of tests and when asked most of them would say they actually don’t care enough about their education to work hard on a test. Why shouldn’t we let these kids do what brings them joy?
Obligation does not equal guilt. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that love obligates us to certain duties. It’s a false question to say that the dad in the example must choose between his duties as a father or his love for his son. If he is to love his son, he is obligated to fulfill his duties as a father.
I would say that the cross of Christ guarantees literally that we are obligated to nothing. Scripture tells us that the power of the law is sin. When we feel that we must or must not, that we ought or ought not, it becomes a pull to do just the opposite. Paul details this well when he writes (I’m paraphrasing) that the things he doesn’t want to do, he does, and the good that he wants to do, he doesn’t. That’s a very simple version, but clearly seems to suggest that there is a constant tension there. Personally, I think that there is a clear indication that you are to pursue the calling with which you are called (in whatever form that means). I had a conversation today with a friend in which I posited that sometimes you can be in ministry and be a tent maker, but that sometimes making tents will be your ministry or that your ministry itself will provide for (as making tents would have). We don’t all get the benefit of making a living from ministry, but that’s okay. I think that in whatever situation you’re in, if you follow the leading of the Holy Spirit (our Helper), then your desires naturally blend with the desires of the Father since, isn’t the innate goal of the Trinitarian life to glorify from within. Ultimately, the poor theology of “He took the fall and thought o f me above all” unfortunately replaced the fact that, while Christ died in our place and rose again giving us a hope of eternal life, the focal reason that drove Him was in glorifying the Father. The book of John gives us a clear picture of this. The Father doesn’t want works offered up as if we thought somehow that we could do anything that He could not. He doesn’t NEED us to do anything. However, when he gives us passions and skills and we reach out to those around us, in love, according to the Holy Spirit, I’m very confident in asserting that it will likely not accompany a sense of obligation or “ought to.” Well, that’s just my two cents anyway.
John,
Your point is valid but you are taking what Don is saying out of context. Of course we should not teach kids that if they don’t love education, they should drop out of school. And, of course I should exercise even if I hate doing it. You are talking about learning, he is talking about servcice and ministry.
We (ideally)apply this concept to our careers. We encourage kids to determine what their strengths are, what they are passionate about/interested in, love to do. Why? Because we want them to succeed and provide for themselves by doing something they love and are good at.
Are there times in life where we need to take a job outside of our passion? Most likely. But, I think we would all agree that, ideally, we are at our best and are most effective when we are doing what we love and what we are good at.
Hey maybe Don is saying that if your motivation is love well you’ll enjoy more of the good things you do in life and it’s not exactly “sacrifice” anymore. Then if you enjoy what you do then it’s fun. God will give you the desires of your heart as anyone hears quite frequently, but He’s the one that places them there. Then what you want to do is actually from Him and His will for you. See how it all kinda intertwines and really ends up making sense? It all starts with love.
Interesting. Piper thinks guilt keeps people from serving rather than motivating them to serve. He thinks feelings of unworthiness due to secret sins keeps people from believing they have something of worth to give to the cause of Christ.
While I have been motivated by guilt in the past, I have also allowed guilt to cripple my service. In my own experience, I view guilt as a service inhibitor more than a ministry motivator.
Very good point Steve. Even as a leader myself, the guilt-driven life is one that I fight daily. Nothing in life any better than serving with a free heart and conscious
Hello Don,
I just discovered you! (You didn’t know you were lost, did you? haha) Mike Hyatt recommended that I read your book A Million Miles and I’m grateful he did. It’s very timely for this season of my life because I’m writing my first book; My story. You have opened my eyes to new ways of thinking about telling my story and I sincerely thank you. What a God send!
Second, your blog post today hit me between the eyes and confirmed something God has been speaking to me about for a few years. Guilt giving. It’s all about heart motive – even those you don’t know you have – until God lights a fire and exposes you to some heat and, well, there it is!
You are right, its PRIDE! One tell-tale sign for me is if I feel angry after I give. If I feel that I ‘have to’ give because I have more than most and feel its my ‘duty’ to help every soul that asks, sometimes I get mad. I’ve struggled with aggravation about this for several years.
I had to look at my heart motive and sometimes it’s just plain ugly. Sometimes we give to internally clean-up the past. Sometimes we give to feel better about ourselves and sometimes we give out of guilt. Sometimes we give to get friends and sometime we give to feel important. I’ve done all of the above. I want my money back!!!! hahaha
Ok, so, each time I give I ask God to show me my heart. Thumbs up or down. Then I proceed. My pastor always tells us to serve in the areas of our passion. He says, “I don’t want people who are easily annoyed with children to work in the nursery, go plant trees or something. Do what you love.” I agree and stopped participating in areas that I didn’t love. I’m now free to serve in several areas of my church that has benefited others in a much better way. It’s also opened doors for my life’s purpose to expand and grow.
Balance. Sometimes God asks me to serve folks I rather avoid. I serve a family member that abandoned me when I was a child. It’s painful and most times I don’t want to do it. But, in that giving, God has brought healing in areas that I needed – and her, too. Several other family members serve this person as well. She once told me, “I know they don’t really mean this. I can tell they do it out of duty and it makes me resent being so needy (she had a stroke). I wish they would just love me.” It broke my heart and also let me know that THEY KNOW when our serving is based on duty rather than love. So, yeah, sometimes we give when it hurts. I think the most important thing to remember is that we need to listen to God. He will show the right projects to pour yourself in to.
Thanks so much for writing this blog. And, thank you so much for being a much needed voice of wisdom to me.
Blessings,
Lesa
Lesa,
Thanks for sharing your heart in this. You had some really great points and I appreciated your post.
Lena
Lena,
You are very welcome. This has been a struggle for me for quite some time but, with god’s grace, I’m learning how to let Him teach me a better way. More importantly, my focus is to be transparent with myself and God. I don’t want faux motives; I want truth.
Be encouraged on your journey,
Lesa
It is a ruse of Satan to use grace as leverage for guilt. You may appreciate this somewhat famous quote from Luther:
“Faith is a living, bold trust in God’s grace, so certain of God’s favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it. Such confidence and knowledge of God’s grace makes you happy, joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who has shown you such grace. Thus, it is just as impossible to separate faith and works as it is to separate heat and light from fire!”
Pax
Don…
I think it is very dangerous to say that we shouldn’t do things that aren’t fun.Love is not always fun and fun and joy aren’t the same thing. Maybe I should be a socialist but I don’t think we can trust people (because of their lack of maturity in Christ) to gage if they are going to do something is because it is fun or not.
I see plenty of people who have a great talent, but don’t use it or waste it on other things, because using it to further the Kingdom… is not fun! They are ultimately looking for instant satisfaction/gratification.
Ultimately I do agree that people shouldn’t be motivated by guilt, but they also shouldn’t use the lame excuses that things aren’t fun so I am not going to do it…. I see this kind of advice as not being loving to them and not speaking truth.
When you make broad statements about doing things for people who you like and respect… seems jacked. What happened to when God told us not to just love the people we like and respect, because even wicked people do that, but to love the people who hate us. Part of loving could involve serving them.
I truly do respect you and enjoy your though provoking posts. I have given many of your books to many people and know God is moving through your work.
Blessings
Sam
Roughly reminiscent of Brennan Manning and Drs. Cloud & Townsend. Good stuff.
Let me know if you’d like the domain donmiller.is
-Eddie
I am entertained by your posts, because I had this exact conversation on Monday night. To wake up to your post on Tuesday morning was encouraging. What you’re talking about is setting healthy boundaries in life. Jesus did this. I’m also sure that the Bible says, “let your yes be yes and your no be no”. To me, I think this means that when you say yes, say it so that your whole self is in that yes. Saying no is fine and okay, you aren’t a bad person for saying no to something. In fact, we say ‘no’ so that our ‘yes’ has more value. I wish you courage as you continue to live with these healthy boundaries in your life. I think the people you interact with will be greatly blessed from it.
Hmmm. I agree that motivation by guilt is inadequate. But so is motivation toward joy. God’s sacrificial giving involved him sending his son to die on a cross. That’s not fun, or following the path of least resistance. When we join this advance, we’re told to likewise pick up our own crosses.
The heroes of our faith are against-the-grain types who did what they did (and do what they do) because of their submission and commitment — their sense of duty and honour. Often that’s precipitated by an abraded conscience which gives an insight into evil. That whole engagement is uncomfortable and unpleasant.
In following God’s will, we trust that there will be love and joy applied. (That is regularly promised in scripture.) But starting with the motivation toward joy reverses the equation. To me, it’s a question of seeking to keep or seeking to give your life.
Making sacrifices because you have to and not because you want to eventually runs out. If the sacrifice takes too long and or is intense we will all eventually give in and stop.
[...] Miller has an interesting post today about why we do what we do. Excerpt: I did an interview today and was asked about how I make [...]
Don,
It’s so fitting that you’re contributing to a conversation about service at this time. Just last night, I had the opportunity to hear a sermon on the story of the Good Samaritan.
Let me preface this by saying that you’re completely right about how it’s wrong to be motivated by guilt. I don’t think, however, that we should serve only those we “like” to serve. BOTH can be selfish, don’t you think?
In the story of the Good Samaritan, I approach serving as being “the neighbor”. We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. Many times, we approach this story and find the neighbor to be the half-dead man on the side of the road, right? We’re called to love the broken, the needy, etc.
But notice at the end of the story, Jesus asks the Jew (remember the strife between Jews and Samaritans) which of the three men he thought was the neighbor. The Jew correctly, though BEGRUDGINGLY, replies, “The one who had mercy on him.” In other words, the Samaritan that had mercy on the hurting Jew. Jesus then told the expert in the law to “go and do likewise”. It’s in this passage that we find the neighbor to actually be the Samaritan, and not the half-dead man.
Because we are called to love (and serve) our neighbors as ourselves, we are called to love and serve those we think are least deserving of our love, sometimes. I am not saying that we shouldn’t focus on using our God-given skill sets to serve those we’re happy to serve. But that’s easy. And following Jesus isn’t always going to be happy and easy. While there’s sacrifice in serving those you’re happy to serve, sometimes we have to sacrifice that joy in order to LEARN to love those we don’t naturally serve with joy.
Serving those that are hardest for us to serve isn’t necessarily out of guilt then, is it? Maybe it’s just because we want to be more like Jesus.
The expert in the law wanted to know, how do we inherit eternal life? Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves. And who does Jesus say our neighbor is?
For the expert in the law, it was the Samaritan – the one who, to him, seemed least deserving of his love and attention. For me personally, it’s easy to serve people who struggle with porn addictions. I’ve dealt with that, I know how to interact with these people. And that’s great.
But who does Jesus say MY neighbor is? My neighbor is my dad, because it’s hard to love him like I should. And it’s not that I feel guilty, so I try to serve him. It’s that I’m trying to be more like Jesus, and live by his teaching of the GOOD Samaritan.
I know this is a lot to chew. Just some more to think about.
Thanks for you time,
Michael
Oh my goodness, so much to unpack here. I will be thinking about this all day, and try to come back and comment later! For now, I just want to say that this is a subtle but important thing to grasp. We’ve got to fight past our first reactions to the terms involved (“fun,” “enjoyable,” etc.) and get to the heart of it.
Don
Great Post. Your thinking and writing push me to a high level of maturity and development.
When we truly understand our passion, our kingdom purpose, and our part in God’s plan, we are free to love, to give, and to serve in ways that fit us and come from a true sense of self. From that place, our service becomes more selfless. It becomes fun because it is our truest expression of god from within us.
It does require that we trust that others to do the same – lest it becomes a smaller version that sounds like a far too familiar refrain “Do only what you like” or “if it feels good – do it”.
thanks for making us think…
“Love is the only motivation God has for anything he does, including acts of justice.”
love it.
Just this morning, I got up at 5:30 with my kids and did it because I love them. Having children actually helped me understand this idea of serving for love rather than duty more. I serve in the nursery at church because I love babies.
Where I get really tripped up is the laundry and the dishes. I find myself slipping into resentment about these tasks and yet they have to get done. The final chapters of Ann Voskamp’s 1000 Gifts really helped my thinking on this. Instead of being motivated by guilt or duty, I know think about all of the reasons I am grateful for my family, my life, the many blessings I have and I find that these things are more joyful. While I don’t think I will ever be gloriously anticipating the laundry, it has become less drudgery.
One definition I’ve heard of love is “doing something you don’t want to do because you want to.”
Don, I totally agree. Serve where your service is needed. Appreciate the time that you’ve been given to exercise your greatest gifts.
I think once you fall in love with Jesus and not religion you will want to give back what He has given you. To love others is so easy when we put away the measuring stick. I think when you have a heart to serve others God will put people in your path where you can meet their needs. It will always bring you joy when you serve out of love and not obligation. I am new here Donald and love your writings. You really do get it!!
Fantastic. Insightful, practical, and controversial. My soul gleams and resonates with most of it, and some of it stirs up protests and anger. Brilliant. I’m going to meditate on this before I draw a conclusion on what I think and how it motivates me to act or change.
Thanks Don.
I think much of the problem is preachers who try and use God’s law to make their congregations better.
Instead of using the law as a mirror to show us our need of a Savior, they use it as a ladder to greater spirituality, or a more full Christian life, or becoming more of what God wants you to be.
Wrong. That just makes despairing Christians, or prideful Christians.
The law to kill…and then the gospel to raise again, and to inspire those ‘”good works” that come out of love, and not of guilt.
Thanks.
I like the way you stepped it up today going from the “ought to” to “sacrifice” and especially when relating it to the care of children – that it is love-motivated and not a negative thing. Getting up night after night with a sick child when you’ve had practically no sleep yourself is a sacrifice but I don’t feel that most parents would consider it a negative thing. Yes, you do it because you are obligated to (your child may very well die if you didn’t) but you do it because the love you have for that child. I still stand by what I said of yesterday’s post – sometimes you need to fake it until you make it – but God can change our hearts sometimes though we should do things motivated by our love and passions. I also agree that we shouldn’t do things just because we feel obligated, such as teaching Sunday school when our heart isn’t in it. However, sometimes surprises happen when you invest yourself in something sacrificially. Sometimes you start helping out with yardwork because you owe community service and find a love for landscaping. I saw the movie “Shadowlands” a few weeks ago and C.S. Lewis fell in love with Joy because she got sick and was helping her out of an obligation he had to her and later, when she died, he developed a relationship with her youngest son because the boy needed him and his brother pushed him to do it. He was motivated by obligation in the beginning of both of those situations but ended up loving and being loved in return.
Yes, do most of what you do because it’s what you enjoy and you are motivated by love but we open to wonderful surprises that may come your way from real sacrifice.
The more I think about it, the more I see what you are saying. I mean when we doing things out of obligation, it is about us and we tend to do the little we can then go home feeling we did our part and feel good about ourselves. But when we do things out of love and passion, it is a life long commitment and you really do all that you can. I mean aren’t people really more likely to sacrifice out of love then out of obligation?? If we are dealing with selfishness and greed, we need to go to God and ask him how he can change us and use us, instead of doing it ourselves or being like, “God I’m going to do this charity project because we are suppose to serve, now make me like it!”
I remember a teaching by Bill Johnson on ministry, in which he said that we tend to emphasize ministry (or service) over our relationship with God, and that this is backwards. Instead we need to work our relationship with God first, because it’s there we learn who we are, who He is, what He thinks of us, how He sees us, and what gifts He’s given into our hands to serve with.
I do think that today’s post has some sound advice for us who have worked ourselves dry. Permission to give up being driven by guilt and shame is important, especially when guilt and shame come out of some idea of expectations on us, or worse — what we think God expects of us. Yet once we’re set free of that, and keep working out who we are with God, I think the distinction between fun and passion vs duty and commitment become more blurred. I think that’s when service becomes more of the kind that Jesus demonstrated.
Thanks Don, these are great questions to ponder.
I think what I might add is that we should be aware that our sense of enjoyment or how much we “like” doing one thing or another is probably going to change with time. Maybe your dad does take care of you at first because it is his duty, but over time, it becomes less about duty and more about love. I don’t think its ok to look at an opportunity to serve and say to yourself, “Nah, I don’t like doing that kind of stuff” and then never think about it again. You should keep asking questions: “Well, why don’t I like it? Why don’t I enjoy it? Is God trying to teach me something or lead me somewhere or grow me somehow?” Hopefully, what we “like” doing is going to be changing and evolving, so we need to make sure we don’t make quick decisions about service based solely on how we felt about it sometime in the past. We must continue to submit to God.
Thanks!
Dear Don,
The challenge for many of us who struggle with “how” to serve (“from guilt” or “from joy”) is how to reconcile the love we know should be there and its relative absence from our motivational core – our soul. We must not forget that this love isn’t something that we can conjure or blindly stumble upon. It’s something that can only be found and nurtured in the context of a relationship.
I shouldn’t chose a greeting card for my anniversary by wandering down the aisle with my eyes closed randomly picking one and hoping for the best at dinner that night. Neither should I look for the one that I thought was hilarious or had a picture of a hot rod or a bulldog (stuff I like). Rather, I’m going to look high and low to find a card that reflects how I feel about our relationship. And if I can’t find the right card, I’m going to make one.
How often I’ve treated my service for God in the same blind way… It’s painful to think about.
My service should reflect how I feel about my relationship with my Savior/Father/Comforter. That relationship is the only source of a love that will transcend guilt or my fickle preferences. Each of us is just as likely to miss the mark by focusing on what we like and are good at as we are to miss it by randomly picking something to do out of guilt.
Just like the anniversary card is no substitute for a relationship with my wife, neither can service be a substitute for my relationship with God. When the focus of my life is the relationship, then the expression of gratitude and love is all joy. It’s a natural byproduct.
As a dad it would break my heart if my 9 year old daughter spent her life making me pimento cheese sandwiches. Getting better and better at it. Incorporating fresh home baked bread and exotic cheeses with the most expensive pimentos. I love sandwiches, but see, the thing is… I don’t particularly like pimento cheese. I would much rather sit with her and watch a movie or read a book or go on a road trip or watch her have the time of her life doing any number of other things.
How many pimento cheese sandwiches have I made for God… It’s painful to think about.
Jen Johnson’s song “A Little Longer” speaks to this so beautifully: http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/1677029905
It’s hard to imagine that we can best serve God by simply and honestly relating to him. But that’s what he wants, it’s what he gave his life for. The rest comes so much easier once I get this first thing right.
Grace and Peace,
Andy
Jonah didn’t seem very loving towards the Ninevites. More than anything wasn’t he serving out of obligation?
Obviously our service should be from the overflow of God’s love and not be because of guilt, shame, pride or obligation, but are there not times when we are called to serve even when we don’t feel the love?
This post is so good.. and it’s so true..
Don, your post puts me in mind of Chariots of Fire, and specifically the scene where Eric Liddell says that God made him fast, and that when he ran he felt “God’s pleasure.” Perhaps this is what the Scripture means that says “God loves a cheerful giver?” That we wondrously, gratefully give back to Him the talents, skills, abilities, resources He has so generously blessed us with.
“Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.” ~ Mother Theresa
God has gifted each believer individually and He expects us to serve Him according to those gifts He has given us. It would be useless to serve from anything other than love for the Father. He promises our blessings and treasure will be waiting for us in heaven. I am so glad that God allows me to have fun and put my energy where I know that He is leading me. Serving out of guilt or for that matter holding any form of guilt is a direct insult to the Father who gave His son. I agree with Don, find your area of service and enjoy!
I’ve read so many blogs and never felt to comment. I’ve been questioning my motives over everything I do for the past three months. My main motive in question being why really do I want to go on this mission trip that I’m planning. I just wanted to make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons and not trying to be some hero or doing it to make myself feel better some how.
I didn’t feel like that’s what those people needed. They are real hurting people with real problems and don’t me coming with some sort of selfish agenda.
My favorite part of the blog was where he asks do you have a martyr complex and whether or not you’re proud of your sacrifice. That was right on!!!! Did not Jesus talk about the religious leaders and how when they fasted they let others know they were? Jesus then said they have received their reward. But I hadn’t thought about someone’s own sense of pride from accomplishment from sacrifice being one’s own reward. That was a great point Don made. That whole paragraph was the best in the blog.
The greatest motivation is love and I believe that to be true. Why not have fun in what God has placed on your heart to do? I mean really a Christian having fun and helping others because they want to and whoa wait… loving others without a sense of duty and sacrifice because the Bible said so? Hahaha! God is so awesome and the greatest example of the motivation of love. He gave us the greatest sacrifice because He wanted to, not out of a sense of duty and then in my eyes that’s being forced. Thanks Don for posting this blog!!!!!!
It’s not guilt that drives me but sometimes it’s also not the love of the project or the love of the people- it’s love for my Savior. Sometimes God calls me out of my area of giftedness or desire because he desires growth in me- not just the contribution I can make.
Right now I’m in the middle of a life-changing experience that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself. But it came out of a lot of prayer and God used A Million Miles…to give me the courage to take it on. (thanks for that, by the way.)
I agree with the title of this post- but not all the conclusions.
Love reading what you are thinking Don and it always gets me thining too. Keep it coming!
Some other comments were harsh so let me add one more thing.
while I think we are sometimes called outside our comfort zones- people often forget that they are gifted and skilled in ways that they can uniquely contribute to others.
For example, a friend who is gifted in photography offered to take photographs of a baby who was born stillborn so that his parents would have beautiful photos to remember the child. That is a gift I don’t possess but a great way for my friend to serve others in a unique and important way.
Don, I’m glad you are using your gifts and influence in service to others. Just because you are using your gifts, doesn’t mean it’s always easy or comfortable.
I guess my final thought is- don’t serve out of guilt, but do serve. Comfortable or uncomfortable. Gifted in that area or not- do something to serve others.
I can think of nothing more depressing than being “helped” or “ministered to” by someone who resents me, and who is clearly not benefiting in any way from interacting with me.
Serving is a two way street and both parties should benefit from it. Being a martyr only adds another burden to the one who is being helped.
If feelings of obligation sour our attitudes when it comes to serving others, if it’s not a joy and a delight and a privilege to do so, then there is something awry at the heart of our relationship with God. Guilt is only one symptom of selfishness. Christ teaches us serving others comes before serving ourselves. We feel guilty when we know we have put ourselves first, and then justified our lack of generosity by expecting others would do the same.
I would rather not be served at all than be served by someone who did so to alleviate their own sense of guilt and not to alleviate my suffering.
Really thought provoking post here. Going to think more on it.
My mind immediately went to a piece C.S. Lewis wrote, talking about how we can’t always trust our feelings and emotions, that sometimes we have to “put on Christ” and go about pretending that we feel like doing or being something until we genuinely feel that way.
I think the everyday example he used was a school boy learning Latin. Certainly there’s no love or enjoyment for that boy (or even an understanding of the potential for love or enjoyment) in writing out vocabulary and practicing parsing verbs for years – but over time, not until he is able to encounter poetry and prose, written art, can he truly enjoy or love Latin.
I just wonder if we won’t miss something in persevering through things we don’t enjoy, not even knowing the potential for love and joy, if we don’t, at times, put on a sense of duty and go about pretending in the good way.
That being said, I’m all for serving from my strengths, doing things out of love, and looking for opportunities to serve joyful. I just want to think more on what you’ve said.
sometimes i wish i was motivated by guilt – at least then I’d be motivated.
Reminds me of this quote:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman
I am struggling with this post. Being a disciple of Jesus means that we are called to help – wherever, whenever, and however. Even when it hurts or feels like an obligation (maybe even especially when it does). And regardless of how we feel about doing it or how we feel after we do it. The message of Jesus is one of complete and total self-emptying and sacrifice. I think Jesus would struggle with some of this post. Sure, we all love helping those we like or when helping seems fun. But our feelings should not be what dictate our approach. I also think the importance of obedience gets lost in this kind of thinking. Many times, we must see the need and respond – trusting that God will use this to form us increasingly in His image. Our feelings are not irrelevant, but they should not be what governs how we respond to these situations. What if the Good Samaritan had just said, “well, I’m just not up for it – I think there are others I could be helping right now?” I think your point about many people acting out of a sense of obligation is well-taken. But I think the issue is more that they act out of a sense of “religious” obligation, not out of an abiding trust that, hey, I may feel guilty and that’s why I’m doing it, or it may be fun, or simply I just see someone who needs help and I’m here to be the face and hands of Christ, but, regardless of what my mind is telling me at this moment, God’s plan is better than our thoughts or feelings and God will use our obedience for good. I think we all need to trust God more and our own feelings less.
i think we’ve all been assisted by someone who loves helping vs. being stuck in the role. thanks don!
Don, you are asking some good questions. It’s strange, but I never think about sacrificing for someone else when I am kind (and I try to always be kind)–I think about God’s absolute love. More than anything I want us to defeat the kingdom of evil and to be part of Christ’s return. So, I use every opportunity I can to be kind and to pray for people (in my closet). Those two efforts may accomplish more than any service project or cause that I could be involved in. My neighbors don’t need to see me–they need to see God.
Also, when we think of the cross, we tend to focus on the physical suffering that Christ went through. Many, many people have died unjustly, but there was one thing that only Christ could do as he hung on the cross. Because he was born with his inner man from God (the spirit of righteousness), he was able to withstand the onslaught of the kingdom of evil against him. Proverbs 12:28 tells us that there is no death in the pathway of righteousness, so the only way Christ could die was to give up his righteousness, to give up his connection with his Father. (This fact is why Christ struggled in the Garden of Gethsemane–he knew he was going to let go of God.) When Christ released his righteousness (spirit) back to God, sin (unbelief) rushed in and Christ cried out the lie that Satan had instilled in the human race since the Garden of Eden–”My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me!” You see, God never moved–He is constant and stable–Christ let go of God. Then, when Christ died, sin and its power over the human race died, too. And, while Christ was resurrected, sin was not. Sin–unbelief–is dead. Once we fully understand that reality, then we will be able to pull down the kingdom of evil in our prayer closets and see Isaiah 25:6-8 come to pass.
Now that we DON’T HAVE TO do anything (because of Christ)…what will we do?
.
This is a genuine question – I’m not being antagonistic at all. How does this fit in with joining in his sufferings and picking up our own cross and following him? Doesn’t that imply at least discomfort, if not even agony and grief, being a part of our obedience?
I’m really wrestling with this already…
I think we will suffer (to varying degrees) in this life, and that suffering may be worse when we speak out for Christ and His gospel.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it will happen.
He said it, “In this world you will have trouble. But be of good cheer for I have overcome the world.”
I think our cross is Jesus Himself. His cross is our cross.
Anyway, life sure is a battle. But we have the right Guy on our side.
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Don you are absolutely RIGHT we need to stop being motivated by guilt (some of us are probably the ones who need to stop motivating BY guilt).
As Christians we should not act like the Wicked Witch of the West’s guards, walking around with low countenance chanting “all we are we owe her” (I understand there is some debate over what the actual words in the Wizard of Oz are but am taking liberty to help make my point). This is not want God wants for us even though it is true “all we are we owe HIM”.
While this blog gets a big AMEN out of me I am not sure I can completely embrace it. It may be a bit too idealistically for me (I’m sure that last comment could very well be a complement to Don and others who completely embrace this blog entry). I am not just convinced that this side of heaven we have the luxury of only “making the kind of sacrifices that we LOVE to make.
I do whole heartily agree with your point 1 (offering help that fits our skills, talents, and passions). What wise advise and a great place to start when figuring out where to help. I am so thankful that one of the parables in the New Testament invokes using our talents to serve our MASTER.
I just believe that there is another side to the coin of us only doing what we “want” to do and have a passion for. A few examples that I can think of from scripture would include Adam in the garden. Adam’s call or duty didn’t change with the fall. Before the fall Adam had a job after the fall Adam had the same job but it was more toilsome for him. I don’t think the fall had much affect on Adams talents but I am pretty sure it affected the enjoyment that he got out of that same work.
Today is Maundy Thursday, the day that Jesus celebrated the pass over with his disciples and washed their feet. Did Jesus have have special skills and talents in washing feet? (I think that the Bible is silent on where Jesus would rank as a foot washer). Did Jesus have a passion to wash the dirty feet of 12 friends (including one that was a day away from betraying him). I would submit that Jesus’s passion was not toward washing feet but towards serving others. I would think then that there would be times in our live where we would find ourselves doing something (we don’t like) for someone (that we don’t like).
Perhaps my point is that Desire is something that we should not ignore but that we can not completely trust either.
Don I Love your writings and I Love you.
TK
Your last two posts have been very timely for me as I’ve been reading “Boundaries” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend – a really good, but hard book for me to read. I actually just got finished reading the part about not letting guilt motivate my actions with others, and what you’ve written here further illustrates their point. Thank you for your honesty here. As someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, this was encouraging to read, especially the idea of pursuing your passions and areas of gifting as opposed to just doing it because “you ought to.”