A question for the girls:
So I caused a bit of a stir a while back by writing an article about relationships. It’s a topic I don’t give much time to, to be honest. And yet, as I’m preparing an article, I’m curious about why some girls give up sex easily and whether or not they view their sexuality as a commodity. In other words, do you use sex for some kind of social power or to make yourself feel good?
This consideration may sound naive (and indeed may be naive) coming from a guy, but I’m interested in your response.
So, you meet a guy, you have sex after a couple interactions, and you walk away. What did you gain from the experience and what, if anything, did you you lose?
Did it make you feel powerful? Did it make you feel beautiful?
Some of these responses may end up in an article without your name or any form of identity, so if you respond, just know I might use a quote but won’t be using your name. Thanks!
I “hooked up” mostly because I enjoyed it. It was also rather fun to be their first, as I am now in possession of a number of men’s V-cards.
There’s something nice about being physically close with a person and that creates a closer emotional bond as well. The ability to bond with someone without sex is there, but happens much faster when someone is intimate. I likely would not have stayed with my first-time had we had sex earlier in our relationshp. Only after we “did-the-deed” did he become controlling and jealous. Had I waited till marriage to find this out, I would have been in an unfortunte, challenging and frankly, horrible marriage.
In regards to very-short-relationships, I don’t regret a single deed or day or choice I have made. I try to live my life in such a way as to provide the most happiness to the world (and myself) and the least sadness & damage.
I don’t think I ever fully understood the term “hook-up” until this past year.
While I know there are many reasons behind why a woman or man hook-up I think a lot of it has to do with each individual’s relationship with themselves and God.
Growing up I never had the experience of hooking up with a man, and I always assumed it was because I was the best friend. The funny, loud, chubby girl. A nice girl, but not that girl that any boy would want to hook up with let alone date… and even though I had a few boyfriends during college it wasn’t until my second year of seminary that I came to understand the power of what a hook up means and the hold that it can put on your heart.
This past year, hooking up all of the sudden had the power of making me feel desirable. For whatever reason, men seemed to be pouring out of the woodwork… and it made me feel like I was catching up to what other women in my life had already experienced. The problem in this was that I would assume they liked me when really it boiled down to them “being drunk, bored, lonely…ect.” In the end, it was more hurtful then anything I’ve experienced because it confirmed my greatest fears in a way. That I am not worthy of a man’s love…and by love I mean actual love. Not felting moments, but the kind were you love the person for who they are, failures and all…
Since my last episode of hooking up, I’ve deiced to change my priorities around. I have decided for one thing that I do deserve better and that better is out there. This is why I have also taken myself off the market for at least the next six months. I plan to spend this time working on my relationship with God. Even when I can’t see it, even I feel lonely, ugly, and very alone- I still am a child of God, a child of God whom God created in His own imagine. Praise God that He forgives…because without that I surely would be lost.
This highlights a big danger in hooking up, differing expectations from each partner. Communication is vital in any relationship, even a hookup.
That’s an awesome response Leslie
In high school and college, I loved having sex. It was freeing and enjoyable. God found me in there and changed me. Even after that I would hear people say married sex is so different, so much more enjoyable. I never believed them and told them about the great sex I used to have. Then I got married. I found out in there that those people were right. There is something about knowing you are going to be with a person until death that allows you to be so emotionally connected to someone and makes sex amazing. It is also cool to know my husband is a learner of my body. He wants to know every part of me. I never was able to experience that before from a man.
I have never just hooked up with a guy until I did once recently. I was in a long-term relationship for a few years (where we had sex, felt guilty because of our convictions, and then didn’t have sex for the last year of our relationship) and have now been single for about 2 years. I have a friend who I have a lot in common with and we randomly hooked up last month. Ever since then, we have just gone back to hanging out with groups of people as usual, but ever since hooking up I have felt more empty than before. It made me feel beautiful and desired at the time (which I hadn’t felt in a while, so it was exciting to have that feeling back), and then took me lower than I have been in a long time. I have been trying to be casual about it. The fact is, now I feel like I am worth less. I keep doubting that a single good guy who loves God is out there and I feel like my hook-up was an experience in which my doubt came out full force. I was tired of waiting to feel desired in the “right way” and wanted a quick fix to meet my need to feel loved and wanted. I never understood until now how that makes everything worse and makes people feel of less value after.
Good news Sara, there are still good men out there in love with Jesus and waiting for a good woman equally in love with Jesus to come there way. Be patient, and trust in the Lord. When you stop looking is when you find the one you’ve been waiting for.
Jake, I like most of what you said, except for “When you stop looking is when you find the one you’ve been waiting for.” Well, tell that to everyone using e-harmony who gets married! Looking does not equal failure–I wish people would stop using that line as some sort of absolute truth for everyone. (Henry Cloud would back me up!)
I hooked up in college during my junior and senior years. The first time I had just been cheated on and dumped by an emotionally abusive guy, so my self-esteem was pretty low. I realized, though, that although he was no longer emotionally attracted to me, he was still physically attracted to me. So, I used that to my advantage. He was dating the girl he cheated on me with, and I was hurt and angry at both of them. I figured having sex with him would be the best revenge I could exact on her. Turns out the only person I hurt was me. I hated myself afterwards. Sadly, out of that anger we continued to hook up for the rest of the semester. Throw a few other hook-ups in there towards the end of the semester and throughout senior year, and I was a complete wreck. It’s been four and a half years since I’ve dated, kissed, or hooked up with a guy and that’s probably for the best. I still deal with the emotional consequences of that experience, though I know that I have been forgiven and I have forgiven myself. Though there were times I enjoyed the act of sex, the emotional pain is not worth it.
I’ve been in this situation many times. Almost every time I gained an enjoyable experience. It made me feel good physically (for obvious reasons) and emotionally (like any connection with another person would). The few times that it wasn’t all that enjoyable, it wasn’t really unenjoyable either, it was pretty neutral. The only things I lost were time that I could have spent in another pursuit, which I don’t really count as a loss, since I feel like the enjoyment I gained was worth the time lost; and a very miniscule amount of money (the cost of a condom, and sometimes the gas to drive to someone’s house).
Yes, sometimes it made me feel powerful and/or beautiful to get a guy to be interested in me in that way, but that was never my primary goal, and I never felt powerless or not beautiful when I wasn’t hooking up with anyone.
I’m now in a committed, monogamous relationship in which we are both very satisfied with the sex we have. I don’t feel like my or my fiance’s previous experiences with hooking up have any negative effect on our relationship now.
For full disclosure, I’m an atheist now, but was a Christian when I first began hooking up with guys.
I might be a little out of the loop because I married young and didn’t do a lot of hooking up. That said, I think the reasons for women is similar to that of men.
It feels good, and it’s expected. Sex feels good, at least if it’s done right, and that goes for man and women. Sometimes people just want that feeling without the involvement or hassle or a relationship attached. Also, there is pressure in some peer groups and colleges to be a part of the hookup culture so you either do it or claim you are, even if you aren’t, in order to fit in.
The couple of times I did it weren’t about self-worth or feeling beautiful or powerful or anything else, it was just because I wanted sex without a lot of strings attached. I made a point of losing my virginity to a guy I didn’t know well because I didn’t want a huge attachment, although that backfired and we ended up in a 4-year relationship. After breaking up, I did “hook up” a few times because I wasn’t ready for dating or attachment but I still wanted sex because I liked the feeling. I keep hearing that women aren’t “wired” do do that and feel ok with it, but I honestly did, and have a few friends who did the same thing and seemed fine as well.
First of all, I’d like to point out that your phrasing is begging the question: the only time women “give up” sex is when they stop having it, the same way giving up meat means you’re going vegetarian. Similarly, I fail to see how doing something to make oneself feel good makes that something into a commodity. If I go for a jog to get a runner’s high, that doesn’t make jogging a commodity, either.
That said, there’s a very simple reason to hoop up: it’s fun. Sex comes with an adrenaline rush, orgasms, and plenty of other wonderful physical and psychological responses, and there’s really no good reason at all to not have sex when not in a relationship, when one is feeling sexual. So, what did I gain from hooking up? A fun time. What did I lose? Nothing, since hooking up doesn’t prevent me from getting into a healthy relationship at a later time, as many people seem to assume. It certainly didn’t prevent me from finding a loving partner, who neither knows nor cares how many men I’ve slept before meeting him (and the feeling is mutual; I also do not care how many women he’s slept with before)
HAHAHA!
Yes, every time I see “giving it up” I think “what, quitting sex”? What a funny way to think of it. How sad is it that men are seen to be the takers and all that women can do it “give it up” to them. I don’t even consider myself a feminist really, but even I can identify this as an ingrained Judeo-Christian Patriarchal mentality.
Women have no power in sex, all they can do it “give it up.”
Thank you for addressing this. Of course, with women it’s a “commodity,” and with guys it’s just instinct.
What’s next, giving up sex for Lent?
I feel this way as well. I had to read a little bit further to figure out that it was about deciding to have flings.
I don’t view sex under pressure, even in marriage, as a good thing. The phrase “give up sex” in this context strongly assumes that there’s pressure being put on the woman to have sex and she practically sighs “Oh okay….I guess you can have sex with me.” I don’t think I would really ever want to have sex with someone who would treat me that way. That would be horrible!
yes, it would be horrible, because it would be a form of rape.
I am not sure if I have ever hooked up in the strictest definition — I have had sexual partners within the context of a relationship, and I have also had sexual partners with whom I was certainly friendly and affectionate, but did not wish or expect anything beyond sex. Some of these relationships ended well, and some ended badly — but in no case have I felt lessened or diminished in choosing to have sex with these people.
I am puzzled by your choice of words when you say you are curious about why some girls “give up” sex (What exactly did I give up?), so rather I’ll say I choose to have sex with others because I enjoy the act itself, and also because I value the opportunity to be physically and emotionally close to a person I care for.
The knowledge that sex is a source of guilt and remorse for so many women…I find that incredibly sad.
I hooked up with men because I like men. I like sex with men. I like the attention men give me. I like the pleasure men give me. I am not sorry or feel a need to apologize.
I’m posting a lot. I don’t mean to, but I think this is something related.
Right now, there’s so much anti-masturbation stuff going on in Christian circles. We’re sexual beings. If we don’t have orgasms with others, we’re likely to orgasm in our sleep. Women have sex because they have a sex drive. Or, they masturbate.
But, wait, we’re told both are wrong (check an anti-masturbation piece recently done in her.meneutics — From Christianity Today–, or the new piece in the Utne Reader — “Look God, No Hands” which also includes a Christian anti-mastubation message.
People are sexual beings. To say that one can’t have sexual release except in a marriage and that orgasms are only to be “given” by a partner. Well, it all comes to the same thing. The rules become such a burden, what does it matter if I’m getting my orgasm if I’m masturbating or with someone else. Suffering from sexual desire is worthless.
I wonder if these things don’t somehow go hand-in-hand for christian women.
There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that says masturbation is wrong. Alisa is totally right. God didn’t design us to suffer from sexual desire. He gave us a libido, so Christians who say it’s wrong are saying that God made a mistake.
I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with both of you.
Having lost my wife (and sexual partner) in May of this year, I found masturbation something I struggled with.
I have to say that masturbation is wrong, and at the very least, unhealthy. Allow me to explain.
When God talks about sex (I Cor. chpt 7) He treats it as a gift that we give to each other. Within the marriage covenant, it is the responsibility of each partner to fulfill the other’s sexual desires. Despite the intense gratification we may receive from sex, it is only fully satisfying when it focuses on the other person.
Masturbation completely circumvents and undermines that principle. It takes the sexual urge and makes it into something explicitly selfish. Though scripture never directly speaks of masturbation, I think you will find that masturbation is in contention with these Biblical principles concerning sex.
I expect Christians to disagree with me. Have I not given 2 examples of recent Evangelical condemnation of masturbation?
I feel bad for the poor guys who often mess their beds with wet dreams because taking care of their sex drives is such a no-no. Also, the strain on their prostates! But, yanno, if Jesus doesn’t want you to care for your body. . .thems the breaks.
I simply have to disagree, James. Is it selfish for me, if my back itches, to use a backscratcher on myself because it’s giving me relief and pleasure? Or do I need to make sure I have someone else with me so that I can scratch their back, too…so that I’m not being selfish?
God gave you a physical body. He gave it to you. There is no shame in taking care of personal, physical needs.
I was raised in a Catholic school and every relationship that came from the lessons and guidance of that education was terrible. Some were abusive. Mostly they were controlling and limiting. I decided to free myself from my paralyzing fear of touch and sex by hooking up. I did this three times and decided I was simply not the kind of person who enjoyed it. The excitement of spontaneity just wasn’t there. I found that I often wanted to know the person more after being physical with them, not in a relationship, but because what attracted me to them in the first place was their creativity and intelligence. I am still friends with two of them. About a month after the final hookup I spontaneously discovered that I was helplessly in love with the third. As luck would have it, he was too. We are still together. Personally I don’t regret the choice to be freer with my sexuality.
A hook up leading to a beautiful love story. I knew it was possible.
Our society puts virginity and sex on a pedestal.
That’s a big part of the problem, in my opinion. If more people just looked at sex as the perfectly normal, natural, and biological act it is, there wouldn’t be so much guilt and stupidity around the idea of a hook-up.
I neither look down on or up to those who save it or those who choose to hook-up. That’s one of those personal choices that will vary wildly from woman to woman, usually. We all have our hangups and standards. Hook-ups aren’t for everyone and waiting until marriage to kick the tires wasn’t right for me. We live in a wonderful world where people are vastly different, so you really can’t make any sort of blanket statements, in my opinion.
That said, to me, virginity is overrated. I never had the hangups about casual sex and didn’t have any sort of virginity obsession while I was growing up. Funnily enough, of my circle of friends in high school I was a virgin the longest and the only non-religious. Not because it was some sort of mystical, magical thing, but because I just wasn’t interested in going all the way with any of the guys I was with. Why risk STDs or pregnancy and screw my life up? There’s plenty of fun to be had without having sex! I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a guy that I trusted and he respected me. Those are the only prerequisites I have. Some girls want physical attributes being *just so*, but I’m happy with respect and trust. Nothing makes a woman feel sexier than appreciation of who she is and respect.
In college, I went through a bit of a wild phase. (I know, so cliche!) I slept with a handful of different guys I was acquainted with. Never slept with someone whose name I didn’t know or anything like that; too dangerous in too many ways for my liking. Protection and contraception were a MUST.
Why did I do it? It was new and exciting and most of all: It was FUN!
It led to some funny stories, learning experiences, and even some very good friendships. I learned a LOT during that time; about myself and others. One of the more amusing stories was about a one-night stand with an exchange student from Turkey. Super sweet guy, really laid back, but he was also a total hypocrite. You can learn a lot about someone when you hit the sheets with them and I’m not just talking about discovering that mole on their backside. I’m not religious, but old habits die hard; I tend to ‘praise the lord’ a lot in bed even though I don’t believe. I figured if he was fine with pre-marital/casual sex, a couple of “Oh GOD!”s of approval wouldn’t be a big deal. I was WRONG. After all was said an done, while searching for my bra, he says, “If we do this again, don’t blaspheme when we are making love.” I was flabbergasted! He had no problem having sex, but my saying “oh god” went too far? Now you see why it was just a one-time hook-up. Do I regret it? Not at all. I learned a lot from the experience.
Then we have the other end of the spectrum. I got into a relationship with a guy. He was a “former” Catholic, a virgin, insisted he was ready, then made my life a living hell with HIS guilt and shame. I’d rather be scolded by a one-night stand and laugh about it later than deal with people putting virginity on some sort of pedestal and then blame their partner because the sex didn’t make the relationship all sunshine and unicorn farts. Do I regret wasting months of my life on *that* guy? Oh, you bet your booty, I do! That relationship was more toxic than any hook-up and all because virginity and sex was put on a pedestal by one of the parties involved.
I’m now married to the guy I actually shared my first kiss with when we were kids. He and I got together after the disaster of a relationship I had with the recovering Catholic virgin. We’ve been going strong together for 9 years and married for 3. We don’t put sex on any sort of a pedestal. If we want to, we do, if we don’t, we don’t. Sex should never be an end goal for marriage; a committed and loving partnership should be the goal of ALL marriages.
Sex is just the fun part, if you’re doing it right!
So, beyond it being fun, the reason I hooked up in the past was because it never felt like some sort of dirty little thing to me. It was one way to experience life. It’s not everyone’s cuppa and doesn’t work for everyone, but for me, it was an educational and horizon expanding time. I didn’t do it because I was on some sort of power-trip or because I had no self-confidence. I don’t need a man to make me feel powerful or beautiful: I was born that way already. (To be honest, if you need a man to make you feel those things, you need to step back from dating/sex and work on yourself before you even entertain the idea of relationships or hookups.)
And the best part? I’m not ashamed and don’t really care what shame others want me to feel. Why? Because I’m a strong and beautiful woman who controls her own life and actions.
I’m another who is not Christian, and I never have been. Please take that into account when you read my comments – I do not, for example, remember ever having really thought of my virginity as something I should save for a spouse. I did wait a bit before my first full-blown encounter, and from the accounts here I made it quite a bit later than many of the Christian women talking about their experiences. This was largely because I had a relative contract AIDS, which drives home the hazards of casual hook-ups in a very real way. When I did finally have sex, it was a birthday present to myself, not something I did primarily for my partner although of course his feelings came into it as well, and I made us both go through testing and counseling together as to how to be as safe as possible.
After that relationship ended, I did have a series of casual encounters, but not right away, and none of them were complete strangers. I tend to see complete strangers as risky. Fearing a rebound situation, I worked to ensure that I wasn’t just filling an emotional void before it happened. I don’t regret a single one. The men involved were all respectful, are generally nice fellows, and I am on friendly terms with all of them. I enjoyed the sex, enjoyed experimenting and learning what my body could do, what my likes and dislikes were, and how to make my partner feel good while still making sure the experience was a pleasurable one for me.
I don’t hook up now because I’ve been married for well over a decade.
Frankly, I find the testaments here from Christian women to be on the disturbing side. It seems as if there’s a lot of building sex up as the greatest gift one can give another person, a perception that you’re not worth as much once you have sex, and an acceptance of the idea that boys and men are to pressure girls and that girls are caving if they decide to have sex. I can’t think of a relationship built upon pressure and “giving in” as one that would be worth much or as one I would want to continue. So yes, in those situations I would counsel not giving in to such pressure, but instead finding someone else who is willing to accept you for who you are and who is willing to be patient with you if that’s what you want to do. Don’t have sex if you don’t want do!
First off, the notion of “giving it up” is a misleading euphemism. When I have sex I’m not losing anything– nothing is taken away from me. If anything, I’m always gaining. I gain a friendship, an experience, a funny story to tell, a new feeling– each hook up is just another occurrence in my life that helps me make choices later on in life. Most of my hook ups in the past were with male friends to whom I felt attracted, but didn’t desire a serious relationship with. The misconception that women only have sex because we’re looking for life-long-prince-charming lovers is a widespread but incorrect one. Sometimes we’re just looking for sex, plain and simple, just like men. For me it was about feeling attractive, free, and experimental. Having sex with a number of people was like practice– I learned what I liked, what I didn’t like, and I got better at it as time went on, so that when I married I was really comfortable with my sexuality. But it’s different for every person, and it would be wrong of me to generalize and say that all women should be this way. Why generalize at all? Sexuality, like anything else in our lives, is a completely personal issue, and should be left as such. It gets pretty annoying when people try to dictate what sexuality SHOULD be, rather then letting it remain a personal decision.
I may be the last American virgin. It is funny that the value I hold highly, purity, also feels like something to be embarrassed or ashamed of in this culture. I’ve dated a couple men seriously, but never more than a kiss was shared between us … at my current age, it seems like no one would believe me about this, so I rarely talk about it.
I’ve watched friends go through waves of emotions and trials about what they’ve given away. Between their guilt and the mourning they go through about that experience not being special with “the one” … I just don’t want that. I don’t want to know what it is like with several, and then compare men to my someday-husband. That’s just not fair to either person.
And as one guy I know put: it “before I buy a car, I’m going to kick the tires. So I’m definitely going to try that out before I buy.” Brass tacks: I’m not sure I understand the consumer mentality about this topic and it makes me sad. (I get the desire part, that is tough stuff … but plan ahead, be self-controlled.) Where is the value in trying out every “car” and putting off buying? And if what I hear is true, and the more committed you are to each other, the better it is, then why cheapen it? Why not hold out for the best there is?
So, I will continue to gamble away “opportunities” … and pray that others do to.
You’re not the last. Several women have posted themselves as virgins here including myself…and several of the guys in the guy thread. Yes, at our age, people think it’s weird. I even had one person say they thought I should see a psychologist. I was like, whatever. People in our culture are getting more and more comfortable with sexuality and that’s good. But we also need to learn that some of us simply aren’t interested in sex unless we’re in a really trusting relationship. If that relationship doesn’t materialize for me, I won’t have sex. That’s just how my live has made me. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But, yeah, it’s not something I trumpet because people always react with shock. Then you have to explain and who the heck needs that?
Sherri, feel free to email me (email is at my website linked to my name) if you’d like to chat about this outside of this forum. You’re not alone by a long shot, my friend.
I hope it’s not strange that I’m a guy commenting on this. I was just curious. But as far as the car analogy goes, when buying things like that (and I know the analogy is not perfect) I often have buyers remorse. So I see where you are coming from. What happens when I buy a car and then start thinking “well I wonder if I’d be happier with that other one”. So what’s better, kicking the tires and finding one that you like (mind you, this is discussing sex, not personal characteristics although they are displayed in the act) or being content with your beat up 88 Honda and not knowing of anything better? Kind of a sad way to look at it but I think I’d rather know the truth behind the subject than believe what I’ve always been told. That sex before marriage shouldn’t be done. I’m currently in the process of exploring this concept. I’m a 19 year-old virgin in college and not ashamed of it although not condescending to my peers that are not. I am a very devout follower of Christ and am insistent on waiting for marriage, but I figured I should find out for myself why. Although by the word of God I am instructed to wait, this sin holds the same weight as murder. So I would definitely have to agree with gloomcookie613 that sexuality and virginity are definitely being put on a pedestal.
*murder and a white lie*
Just to clarify that haha. All sin holds the same weight, why should sex be any different? We worship a forgiving God
I don’t. Hook up, that is. I really have not had sex with anyone I didn’t consider partner material at the time–which is why I have had all of two lovers, both after the age of twenty-one. The first was a disappointment in more than one way; he turned out to be a different person than I thought he was, and I do sometimes regret losing my virginity to him, but I’m glad I waited for something that felt like a relationship. I’d have far more regrets had I not cared for him at the time.
I’d rather be that intimate with someone I trust not to leave me afterwards because he’s had his fun. It’s just better when I feel safe and loved.
As for power and feeling beautiful…I think a lot of Christian men (and women) believe that men are leaders and women are followers. Therefore, men have the power in the relationship. This is more visible in the Church, but it is still seen outside the church sometimes. It’s leftover residue of our cultural history (even the Christian aspects) that is still found in the “secular” world. A lot of women give up a lot waiting for Prince Charming to lead them into their life. It is also a common belief that women don’t actually enjoy sex as much as men and only really want intimacy. It may be true for some women, but it is not true for all. Some women value intimacy the most. Others value the financial security they get out of a committed relationship to a male. Still others are able to find satisfaction in the physical act of sex alone. Some women like the power they get from hook-ups or even committed sex. Others try to find emotional or spiritual security from men. For most it is probably a combination of some of these with other things not listed here. It might be more accurate to say that most women don’t consider sex complete if it does not include intimacy than to say that women prefer intimacy to sex. Why else would women masturbate, fantasize, and think about sex. This misconception about female sexuality is why it is so often assumed that there must be a power or self-esteem aspect when a girl hooks up. It’s the assumption that if she’s not getting intimacy she’s not getting anything, so she must have a power, self-esteem, insecurity, or other issue. Power may seem like the most obvious choice since it goes along with the assumption that power (God given or otherwise) belongs to men, so women have to use sexual seduction to gain what they need or want since they lack the power to go and get it for themselves. That’s why it is sometimes surprising to people when women say they just wanted to do it for fun. The truth is that each woman is different and has a different sexual history. Therefore, they approach sex differently and with different motives, desires, and expectations.
OK honestly – I’m sort of in a hook-up relationship right now (I’m just gonna lay this one all out here). I’m in my late 30′s, divorced – and I KNOW this guy isn’t the ONE. He is a Christian, so am I … and he’s fantastic in so many ways – but he is terrible at meeting my emotional needs. He’s so busy working that I think I fall off his radar in a lot of ways. So … in this way, we’ve become friends with benefits. It makes me sad really, because I WISH he were the one. Lack of options really, at this age (and in a small town). I’ve tried to talk to him about his lack of concern and caring for me. Honestly, I would love to have emotional closeness with him, but physical closeness is all I can get. This doesn’t necessarily differ from marriage, though, if you really think about it. Depressing! I wish he would call me daily and our lives would become intertwined. I wish our suns rose and set together, truly. I wish he would bridge that emotional gap – but I don’t know how to get that from him. I have asked and explained, but it isn’t working.
When I read your initial post about this, I was really upset, although initially I wasn’t sure why. I think the hard thing for me is that I have never really been sexually promiscuous. I have, however, been QUITE the emotional tramp. I tend to give away too much of my heart without any kind of commitment or promise from the other party [the dude]. Essentially what this ends up looking like is a lot of really close, very intimate relationships with men… that never get romantic or sexual. Which is kind of a bummer.
This has given me quite the little complex, if I’m being honest. I actually feel pretty secure in my sexuality. It has always been important to be to hold onto my virginity because I want to be able to give that to my husband, someday, and I feel good about that. I’m old enough to not feel ashamed at my lack of “experience.” But I can’t help but get caught up sometimes on what is wrong with me. What does it mean that men want to be close to me, want to share things, want to cry and let me do the same – but then it always feels like I’m just the stepping stone to their future romantic relationships? This phenom has created a me who is very confident socially and relationally – and very self conscious about my appearance and how that relates to my sexuality and my dateableness, if you will.
Long story short, one of those weirdly intimate non-relationships sort of recently took a turn for the sexual. I did not have sex, but in MY terminology, we “hooked up”… a few times. And I think the reason it hurt me to read your initial post is because, really, I want to have not done that. To answer your question, I hooked up because, 1. I am a sexual person with sexual desires and I straight up fell to temptation, and 2. because I was in an intimate relationship with that person, and I trusted him. And I think a little part of me thought if I could finally cross that line in one of these relationships, it would break my pattern and he would see how awesome I am once and for all. And what I read in your post was that he couldn’t possibly care about me because all he wanted was the hook up. And that stings. Still kind of does.
I’m still processing this (and I appreciate the forum in which to do so, otherwise I might not have) and figuring out what it means. And that guy is still in my life, still a good friend, but that guy is not my husband. if nothing else, maybe that post was the little kick I needed to not do that again. Because it didn’t change anything other than that I’d given up some of myself in exchange for a fun night. And that’s just not worth it.
Meg,
I’m sure you don’t need a guy to tell you this, but you’re worth more than that. It may seem a bit young reading, but I’d like to recommend some short reading. Two books, the first is called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, and the second (same author who’s name is escaping me) is a follow up called “Boy Meets Girl”. Large sections on the difference between friendship and intimacy. How to give love as friend without giving your heart.
You’re worth love, because you were made of love, by love, for love 
Peace
whether or not I needed it, I appreciate it so much Jake. such a gift. thank you
I have only “hooked-up” in the true sense once. I was single and lonely and the idea that someone wanted and desired me made me feel better. This person was a coworker who I trusted and felt comfortable with. I considered him a friend and I knew he would respect me. While our fling didn’t leave me fulfilled the way I would have liked, it didn’t damage me in any sense. I don’t regret what happened but yes, it could have gone better. Walking away after having intimacy wasn’t as easy for me as I expected.
There is something to be said for waiting, and for finding someone who wants a relationship with you and not just your body. But so long as the person you sleep with respects you and is kind, loving, and giving then no true harm comes from the situation. I don’t look down on women who hook up. Or on men who do the same for that matter.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and we became intimate early on. In this case it strengthened our bond and we have been together ever since. I fully expect we will marry some day.
I have sex for the sake of having sex. There is no desire to make myself feel good about myself/feel beautiful. I don’t do it because I think I have to in order for the guy to love me – I don’t even have sex to feel love (which is the stereotype thrown around about girls, that we only seek sex to feel love).
I love sharing that intimacy with guys, so if I like them and they’re also keen, we have sex.
also, sorry, I’m reply as a New Zealander. I noticed on your discussion for the guys that you wanted answers about American relationships, so sorry if my reply is not what you’re looking for!
I’m just going to be straight up honest. Having sex before marriage was the absolute worst decision I ever made. I ended up having my V-card taken from me when I was 17(I was extremely emotionally manipulated). Once it was gone, I had no care to keep intact what was no longer there. From then on, my sex drive had been turned on and all I wanted was sex. I went from one guy to the next, short term relationships to the next. I was all over the map. Having sex fulfilled a physical, emotional desire, which ended up being shallow and short lived. I wanted to be loved and was seeking for validation, of which I never found. I went a period of time (about 2 years) without having any sex because I was convicted by God to stop my deviant behavior. Low and behold, I started dating a guy again and because of my easy past, I “gave it up” at another low point in my walk with God. Only 6 months into that relationship I got pregnant, and now I have a child. I am no longer with the dad because we overlooked the foundational elements to our relationship and went for the “fun” elements instead, which after having a kid fade away very quickly. Since there were no real foundational elements to set our relationship upon, it easily crumbled. Seeing my child grow up without a father who is present is the saddest/hardest thing I have ever had to endure as a Christian. I am a sinner saved by God’s grace, and hope that whomever reads this can find God’s great grace like I have. I have been striving to live in purity since the birth of my child. Overall, I truly believe that people who say sex before marriage is okay are believing in a flat out lie from Satan. Satan wants to confuse you and destroy what has been beautifully made by God. God intended for sex to be within the context of marriage. Don’t believe the lies! I am saying this as a person who made all the wrong decisions first and who had to painfully find out the truth the hard way. This comes from a deep Godly conviction, if you have a problem with it, take it up with God.
Hi, K.
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your coerced sex (or was it rape) by such a vile person.
I’m sad also, that you saw yourself in such a poor light. Many women suffer after rape and sexual manipulation, but you were victimized by people who told you that you had lost something in addition. Having sex once, or “losing your virginity” (or being raped) doesn’t make you a different person than having sex twice or a hundred times, or a thousand times. Having an orgasm during sex doesn’t make you a different person. None of this changes who you are as a person. Only religion can tell you that it does.
It’s a shame that you grew up in a system that took away your worth when you “lost your virginity” and made you suffer so. The rape/coercion was hard enough–surely being taught that you were now “less than” you were before was a second harm.
I don’t think I really ever understood the harm of elevating and teaching girls the dangerous mythology of “the pure virgin” until I read this post.
I was a virgin on my wedding night and a Christian for 20 years. I’ll always remember this post when I talk to my own children about their sexual health and their self-worth.
Quite simply: Sex is fun. Forbidding yourself the pleasure your body can provide you because of shame or guilt is a terrible idea, and not healthy. You should get to know your body, get to know its abilities and its limitations.
The feel of someone’s skin against mine, the muscles and the hardness and the softness and the sweat and the intensity… Feeling amazing, and knowing that the person you’re with is feeling amazing, too, and that you have a big part of the reason why… The closeness and the intimacy and the cuddling and the afterglow, in a romantic relationship; the exhilaration and the exercise and the endorphins in a purely physical relationship…
The list goes on.
Sex relaxing and above all FUN! I am an atheist, so I am not hung up on religious notions that sex is some sort of gift to give to your husband or treasure to be guarded. Sex is a natural drive similar to eating and sleeping. Something we need to do to be healthy human beings. If sex was intended to be solely for precreation of for men only to enjoy, then why are women capable of amazing pleasure from it?
I’m perhaps from a completely different viewpoint and if you choose not to post this, no problem there. I’m an atheist bisexual MtF transgender. In the time I’ve been with my boyfriend, I’ve not felt any real guilt at the time we spend together. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing to share between two persons. I do not use my sexuality as a tool or as a way to get what I want, nor do I use it to feel like my boyfriend still wants me. I do it because I really like him, and it’s something that we can share intimately that makes us feel good.
I’ve done the whole hook-up thing, though I was a late bloomer and didn’t realize I had a kind of sexual control over men until about age 21 (yes, that is late compared to most high schoolers and college students). While I do understand that it’s probably not the best way to live and certainly not the best way to medicate our loneliness (ie separation from God), I still feel lonely and I still have a need to be loved in a sexual way. Most Christian females I know who “wanted to wait” throughout high school are now 25-30 and no longer virgins. We’re tired of waiting. Sex is not a bad thing. Don, my question is: We are sexual beings and God made us to be sexual beings. Yet, sex is powerful and shouldn’t be shared with just anyone. How do we channel our sexuality while we’re waiting to get married? Should we just get married younger?
I know the question wasn’t directed at me, but I feel inclined to respond anyway…Sex is a good thing, in the context of marriage, where the commitment comes first. We are naturally sexual beings by nature, and this evident in every aspect of our self and can never be separated from the rest of our self. As to how to channel your sexuality, I think that’s not the right question. It’s like asking how to channel your desire for chocolate, or caffeine. Sex can become addictive like anything else that FEELS good. The answer is not in channeling your sex drive, but in mastering yourself. We (as Christians) do this through discipline in prayer, even (and especially) when we feel disconnected from God. Even when we don’t FEEL the love of God raining on us. You are loved, because you were created of love, by love, for love, and you are worth waiting for
Peace
I remember meeting guys in bars. After they’d bought me a certain amount of drinks or talked to me all night, I actually felt guilty if I didn’t “give them something back.” It’s expected. Whether that expectation is men, society, advertising, or my own lack of self-worth, I felt bad if I wasn’t what they were expecting. I had to make a general rule that I wouldn’t take guys home with me, because I knew if I did that I (and probably he) would expect us to sleep together. That said, a lot of sketchy things ended up happening in bars and not in complete privacy because of that rule.
I’ve been physical with one guy, and he was my boyfriend at the time, but I rushed into it without even knowing if he was a real Christian, or even a good person. For me, it made me feel valuable and beautiful. People tell me I’m beautiful but I’ve never felt that way, so when I saw that he was so attracted to me I felt valuable and powerful. Another thing is that “closeness” with a man. There aren’t many men in my life and my dad was never the fatherly type, so sometimes I really crave that closeness, even just a hug.
Hi Don!
I think psychology has been examining the answer to this question for a while, especially when comparing the sexes (pun not intended). I have seen many women write about their emotional or social response to “hook-ups”, but I think we must also look at the physiological response to “hooking up”. It is similar to our bodies response to exercise, laughing, or doing drugs. There is a hormonal/chemical reaction that occurs during the sexual activity that makes you feel good. As I am sure you have already researched or read, during sex, a hormone, oxytocin, is released in large increments. Oxytocin is called the “bonding hormone”, it is also released whenever a mother breastfeeds her newborn, and its purpose is to “attach” them to one another. Oxytocin decreases anxiety, and increases feelings of contentment and security (and what woman doesn’t want contentment and security? or any human for that matter?). Also, oxytocin more dramatically affects women than men.
During sex the female’s brain releases the “love hormone” making her feel close to someone and fulfilled. I can see that as a good reason to hook-up. Plus, the more women have sex, the more oxytocin is released and then the more you want to have sex. It is actually advised to some women who don’t want to have sex with their husbands, to just do it anyway, and the consistent, regular release of oxytocin will actually increase their libido.
I think when asking this question the psycho-social-physical all needs to be looked at, and I didn’t see any comments on the physiological, and thought it should be recognized. The physiological response is only part of the reaction…but a pretty significant part nonetheless.
Like other commenters I am not a fan of saying ‘give up’ sex. Sex is a shared act of affection and not something a woman is in ‘possession’ of.
I’ve hooked up because I felt desire to connect with someone and SHARE with them the wonderful and beautiful feelings of sex. I did not ‘give away’ anything.
In My Opinion: If a woman or a man is aware of their own control of their body and mind then hooking up can be a pleasant and enjoyable experience for both. If hooking up is done by someone who is insecure and looking to ‘use’ the experience as a solution to other problems it’s probably not going to follow with warm fuzzy feelings afterward.
I think it’s about being desired more than anything else.
The reason I “hooked up” with someone was really about acting on a desire to experience being wanted. For women, there is a constant voice in us that seems to always say “you are to much.” Its what we inherited in the garden, when God said ” your desire will be for your husband but he will rule over you.” We simply will always do battle with that voice. I think most women would agree that hooking up with a man is about acting on a desire to experience a physical form of intimacy. Its also about believing the perception that this is love. By believing that lie, you allow yourself to operate inside it almost pain free. So it lets you enjoy your body, the one you’re with in a very limited view.
I wont argue that you learn a lot about your body and about being woman when you have sex, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are learning anything about what good sex is about. Because the interpretation of our culture ” are you good in bed.” is such a gross interpretation of what sex is about.
Just out of curiosity, when you write your follow-up article, are you going to include all the various responses, or just the ones that support the thesis of your article? Intellectual honesty is so important, don’t you think?
I’ve known lots of women who enjoy casual sex, and I’ve known lots of women who regret casual sex and I’ve known a few women who are predatory in the use of their sexuality.
In fact they are just like men (although probably more men are into causal sex and fewer men regret it).
So where are you going with this?
One word – Orgasm!
It’s something that happens when we are looking to fill a void in our life. Often times, to be blunt, I wake up or go to bed feeling very desirable of physical male intimacy. When these feelings don’t go away within a day or two, then a casual hook-up feeds the physical need. What we walk away with is often based off the experience with that partner itself. If its drunk sex, then you walk away with guilt, shame, regret, sometimes worry (do you remember being protected, will this ruin your friendship, etc). If its casual sex, then you often walk away with the physical feelings satiated but a curious emotional feeling of what if we tried having a relationship and not just sex?
For me personally, I am looking to fill a void, something that’s missing in my life. Most times I walk away feeling empty and just not satisfied like I was looking for to begin with. Sometimes, when its just purely seeking physical pleasure, its easy to just get what you came for and walk away. Girls are a lot more like guys than they care to admit. With women, our moods are so up and down, its hard to pinpoint one specific reason why we hook up. Through most of my female friends that hook up, its a desirable powerful motive. They feel in control because the guy wants sex and the girl holds the key. The feel desired. I however, just plain out feel horny most of the time and just to have someone who is good in bed is all I’m looking for. But there are those times, after being single for so long, that I yearn for more than just the hook up. The intimacy along with great conversation and the overall “happy” package. Most times, we walk away feeling no better than before.
I never had “casual” sex but not so much because of religious reasons. I was assaulted when I was 15 and it made me very wary and I had a hard time gaining control of my sexuality again. Of course I have had friends who were assaulted who then had a lot of casual sex for the same reasons I abstained. Everyone has different reasons and experiences. Eventually I did have premarital sex with a long term boyfriend and it was because I loved him and wanted to share that intimacy with him.
I have good friends who are married that started their relationship as a drunken almost-one-night-stand. It was only because they happened to have a shared friend that reintroduced them that they ended up dating and getting married. Ultimately most people just enjoy sex and women enjoy it just as much as men.
The virgin/ whore dichotomy is a harmful and misogynistic myth that really needs to stop being propagated. Its also ridiculously unrealistic to expect women (and men) to abstain themselves from sex until they get married in their mid twenties. And its unrealistic to expect 18 year olds to get married and have it work out just so they can have virginal married sex. Heck its probably unrealistic to expect most 18 year olds to have abstained that long.
And so “hook ups” happen. Because we like sex but that doesn’t necessarily mean we want to get married.
I enjoy hooking up with people I know, am comfortable with, and feel attracted to. I hook up because sexual activities between consenting adults are a great source of fun, and a nice way to connect with someone you like or even love. In many cases these hookups have led to long and healthy relationships, some even monogamous, and the ones that didn’t I didn’t regret at all. I ever felt pressure to hook up with a guy and never felt ashamed of what I did.
I think it all comes down to the fact that most humans like sex.
I’m a lesbian so it’s pretty hard to find other lesbians in my area but if there were more of them, best believe I’d be hooking up.
I’m conscious of STDs and I’d have the other woman get checked for STDs along with me.
I’m also an atheist by the way.
I see nothing wrong with casual sex, provided you’re actively getting checked for STDs and also making sure the other person is STD free.
I’ve spent hours reading these comments…some I find myself skipping through because I can’t read another sad story.
Both these posts have made me depressed…for multiple reasons.
Something so beautiful has become so tragic on many levels.
Trying not to become even more cynical, praying for so many who have been hurt in such excruciating manners, and asking God to help us reclaim the beauty of love.
Because physical intimacy is fun and feels great!
(Simple question, simple answer.)
I’m 47 and married for 15 years. Both my husband and I had other sex partners before we married each other. We also started having sex on our third date. I was pregnant when we married (we’d been engaged for several months before we got pregnant) because we’d already decided we wanted a family right away. We have a wonderful relationship; we’re Christians and our kids know Jesus. We attend church and we pray.
But I agree with many other commenters when I say that it’s offensive that you refer to “giving it up.” I lost my virginity at 19 in the context of a 4-year loving relationship. I had several relationships (all sexual) after that, before I met my husband. I don’t think I lost anything. My husband doesn’t think I’m “missing” something.
I loved sex all through my 20′s when I was not married; now as a happily married woman, I still love sex. I love the feeling and the connection and everything about it.
You asked…
Interesting question, but you make an awful lot of sexist and judgementmental suggestions about women and their sexuality in the asking of it.
Why is it that you think men and women are soooooooo different in their motivations? Why can we accept an animal sex-drive in men, but not in women? Why is sex a commodity when talking about women’s sexuality but not when we talk about men’s sexuality? These are super important questions for you, and other christians who think like you, to consider.
I have never “hooked up” – was never really interested in the idea, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have sexual needs. I was quite religious for most of my adult life and probably would never have done it during that period of time, even if I had been in a committed relationship. Even after I left religion behind me though, I didn’t “hook up”, I dated a few guys casually and when I met someone I wanted to have a relationship with, I told him I was a virgin and that sex wouldn’t be on the table until I felt ready. He was super respectful and we had sex when I was ready – we married 4 years later and are still together now. And I am really grateful I met him after choosing to leave religion behind me. Even though I’ve only been with one man, I am glad that we gave each other the opportunity to know eachother intimately and even live together before marriage. It solidified our confidence in our decision to spend the rest of our lives together.
I’m not against other people “hooking up” as long as both people are honest about what their expectations are. My feeling is that if you are not mature enough to communicate about sex and relationships, then you probably aren’t mature enough to have sex or be in a relationship.
Please pardon a fellow’s curiosity in reading through these answers. I’m try to understand the female psyche.
After reading through the plethora of answers to this question, I feel I need to bring up one point.
God intended sex to be holy. Not simply to Him in a moral sense, but to us as couples. Holiness merely implies separation. In marriage, we set ourselves apart for each other, and it is within that bond of holiness that God placed sex.
For sure, I believe it’s possible to hook-up with a stranger or even a close friend and not feel any regrets or have any strings attached as long as both parties understand what the arrangement is. But I think the tragedy there is how sex is cheapened.
God made sex to be sacred, a secret of sorts, shared by two lovers held by the strongest covenant in the universe: marriage.
Maybe that’s old fashioned.
But allow me a personal word. I lost my wife in May. We had a great sex life, and as I picked up the pieces and thought about being with another woman, I couldn’t imagine doing so without sex. Yet as time has healed the wounds, God has helped me to see how special a gift sexuality really is. I treasure those times with her, and now, I’m not willing to simply dive head-first into something with the first girl I meet. Sex means something. I cannot treat it so cheaply by simply hooking-up.
I mean no condemnation here. I just hope that some will read and look at sex differently than how Hollywood portrays it.
Any animal that reproduces sexually has sex. Is it only human sex that is holy?
Even as a Christian, I didn’t think sex was holy (and I was a virgin on my wedding night and have been perfectly faithful to my husband). Any animal can have sex. It is holy only if you make it holy. Like a Sabbath or Holy Day, or a particular food, or abstaining from a particular food.
Holy is what you make it.
Any animal can have intercourse. It’s not holy. It can be. It can be if you’re married. Or not married. Or gay. Or straight. It is what you make it. If you want it to be holy, it can be. If you don’t–it’s not.
I appreciate your comment, Joey.
I completely agree.
I’ve been a little bummed out by all the responses submitted by Christians that feel that sex is just… sex. Biological, physical, pleasurable, nothing more. Of course, it is all of those things, but it’s also more. The way God talks about sex in his word, for example, the way Solomon cautions his son in Proverbs about seeking love on the street corners and chasing after, in modern terms, “hook ups.” Throughout, sex outside of marriage (labeled adultery and fornication in most translations) is not upheld at all. God feels strongly about purity and fidelity. To him, it’s not just physical, it’s like you said, a covenant, a bond, a revealing of more of himself…. it’s huge to him and it’s effects are incredible and powerful. I was just left wondering, do we Christians not read the Bible anymore? Or think it’s not important that we follow its instruction? No wonder I know so many unbelievers who are turned off by us “hypocrites” and want no part of Christianity.
I was encouraged by your response. Thanks.
I think ALL the sex I’ve had has been casual. I’ve certainly never dressed in formal wear for it – although lingerie, work attire and the occasional costume has been involved.
I’ve never “given up” sex. I’ve gone without it for brief periods, but never “given it up”. And I’ve never “given” my sexuality to anyone, nor my body. It’s mine, I’m still using it thankyouverymuch.
First time at 15, because I didn’t see any point in “waiting”, nor any benefit. Not a romantic, even as a teenager. And yes, I was a church-going choir-member Christian who was engaged to the minister’s son at one point. Much happier and fulfilled atheist now, although fortunately I never once heard negative talk about sexuality in my progressive liberal church upbringing.
Why did I have sex with assorted guys? Because it was pleasurable for me, and I dare say for them. There were one-night stands and monogamous periods. I regret none of the sex and little of the relationships. It does not cheapen sex because sex is not a commodity. It is a physical action, a form of communication, a release of endorphins, a way to spend time, a great source of pleasure, but it is not a commodity. The only thing that diminishes sex is doing it out of obligation, out of fear, without pleasure or with coercion.
I did not marry the most technically skilled of my previous lovers. I married the one I didn’t want to live without. And I am not the most technically skilled of his lovers either. I can live with that comparison because that is not the only reason we chose each other.
I have seen religious couples struggle deeply with incompatible and irreconcilable sex drives/tastes/desires/inclinations that would have been resolved had they simply had sex before becoming emotionally entwined. As my still-christian best friend has said before, it’s all fine to talk about sex as a covenant but what’s wrong with it being pleasurable too?
Anytime anyone comments on sexual ethics, that person has a responsibility to disclose THEIR history. For someone to “preach” a “holy” position, THAT someone needs to disclose any past “challenges” they’ve experienced, how difficult it is today for them to refrain from any sex act INCLUDING masturbation, & the last time they “fell”. If this rule was followed, there would be no “holy preaching” on sexual ethics by any men & by few women. Note the percentage of “holy” comments once we declare the ground rules. Every one of us longs to be naked, be exposed, devour, be devoured, penetrate, or be penetrated. All men who preach against women “giving up sex” or “hooking up”, single or married, have masturbated in 2011. If you haven’t, say so. If you’re not willing to give full disclosure, you have no standing to pontificate.
seeing all these comments made me feel a lot better about what i go through. when i posted for the first time, it was hard to be honest and have any emotion in the post. it feels like NO ONE i know goes through this sort of thing. sure, many women go through feeling hurt by guys but it seems like i’m the only girl i know who also struggles with going too far physically. these comments alone have helped encourage me. i hope you write a book about this don, haha. you’re already one of my favorite authors but something about women and this struggle would be amazing. it seems like the church especially always neglects women in this issue. men get all the accountability and support groups and women are told their biggest struggle might possibly be… what? romance novels? it’s like they forget who all their men are trying to hook up with.. the women! anyway i’ll stop the rant now haha
Cori,
You are not alone. Many of the “struggles” produce fake guilt (unnecessary guilt). Please see my FREE eBook (really free) at http://www.BiblicalSex.info.
It amazes me how so many Christians set up sex as a commodity–with virginity the most valuable asset a woman can possess and purity as a selling point to get a man to marry her—and then ask people who have sex for recreational purposes if they consider their sexuality a commodity.
To me, I feel like my sexuality is commoditized by turning it into the currency that I should trade in exchange for marriage to a “good” man. Having sex with who I want, when I want, on mutually agreed upon terms, in ways that are pleasurable for me allows me to enjoy sex as an act of intimacy and joy. Additionally, access to my holes shouldn’t be the “prize” some man gets for making an honest woman out of me. That’s pretty fucking objectifying and demeaning.
I’m not sure I ever thought about why I hooked up with guys a few times. I knew it was wrong but I had walked away from my faith (and God) for awhile. It was perfectly acceptable in my social circle, and it seemed like most guys did not have girl friends or even really date. Hooking up was really all there was. Pretty shallow. There are a lot of things that happen when there’s physical intimacy. If I knew then, what I know now, I would not have done it. I would have had more respect for myself, and just been smarter. For those of you who think it is totally care free, won’t affect you emotionally, and it’s just for physical pleasure,… do some research. God says to save that kind of intimacy for marriage for a reason.