So now the same question for the guys (thanks for letting me separate them so I can better compare answers). Why do you hook up?
Most people would say guys are just hooking up for sex while a woman’s reasons for hooking up are more complicated. I’m not sure that’s true, though.
What are the reasons you have brief sexual encounters that don’t involve an ongoing relationship?
Once again, I may use some of your answers in an article, though it’s unlikely. Mostly this will give me a better perspective on this aspect of modern American relationships.
I have only been with two women, my wife and one other woman when I was not married. I have never had a “hook up,” but to me it is like taking a Ferrari and going mudding. It may feel like fun for a second, but she isn’t made for that and you don’t want to pay the mechanic for that bill. Or worse yet, walk away. Beyond that, as I read the bible, sex is meant to be fellowship between a man and woman like no other. It is spiritual, and physical and amazing when He is the author of it, and honestly, a part of it in the purest sense. Yes, it takes two to hook up in a mutually selfish way. But as believing men, we are asked to have our heads lifted up to things that are higher and see things above the relationship that make it a place where good things can grow. We men need to love a woman the way He does. I am not saying these things because I am so good. I am saying them because I have paid the mechanic.
The world would be a better place if we all had your view of sex and sexuality. (I’m not sure about God as “the author” part – that is a pretty tall order after you’ve been married for decades.)
But your view and thoughts are beautiful – I only hope my daughter meets someone who treasures human relationship this way.
Thank you so much for making me not want to let anyone test drive my “Ferrari!” I do wish more men had this view!
I am not a car, not even a nice one.
I am a human and I have agency over my own sexuality.
I feel that this is not said enough, so…props! *thumbs-up*.
Seriously.
your ferrari example has one flaw. sex is not “mudding”. even casual sex has its advantages.
I would like to know what he means by he paid the mechanic? Does he mean the woman is the Ferrari and just having sex with her would make her not as attractive? ruin her? Make her less than what she is, maybe just in his eyes? He didn’t want to pay the mechanic by marrying her? He couldn’t walk away because he cared, or loved her? So now he has to pay the mechanic… ? Help me as a woman understand this. I have been married but feel in love with another man. A married man, both of us. He is still married, I know he loves me, but he is still with her. Is he paying the mechanic, because he is suffering?? Someone shed some light on this. We didn’t go into this lightly, we loved each other before we were together. Was he just hooking up. Am I a muddy car???
I’m not the least bit religious, but I take a very strong stance against “hooking up.” Some of the strongest reasons that point me to be against this behavior is the rampant spread of STDs between multiple partners and that pregnancy is very easily an epidemic on the size of obesity in this country. Plus, I just think that, at least in my experience, that sex without love is useless. I achieve no joy from it, and the pleasure it gives isn’t enough to keep me from wishing I had not done it in the first place. Thank you for letting me share my opinion.
(Abstinent Atheist)
Ever heard of condoms?
Steve-wow that’s a little harsh don’t you think. That’s not exactly showing Christ’s love to someone. And for the record-condoms are not 100% affective against pregnancy or STD’s and only abstences is. The fact that Anthony does not bring a child into this world or spread STD’s for purely pleasure is commendable.
Lori is right, condoms are not 100 percent effective, with proper use they are 98 percent effective yearly. This means that only 2 percent of couples who use condoms properly will produce a pregnancy each year. If you combine that with birth control which is 99 percent effective and the chance of pregnancy disappears almost entirely. The spread of STDs can be prevented by testing.
It is anthony’s choice to abstain from sexual intercourse and that choice should definitely be respected, but we also shouldn’t pretend that this behavior is commendable – as both STDs and pregnancy are easily preventable. Science rules.
I said essentially the same as the first paragraph, but it didn’t make it through the censorship. Combining two methods is the recommended way.
The thing with abstinence is that it works for HIM. It clearly doesn’t work in the grande scheme of things. But as with all too many other things Christian demand that solutions that may work for one person be forcefully applied to everyone else.
The Southern states have the highest teen pregnancy rates and the US has by far the highest teen pregnancy rates of all western countries. It’s an embarrassment, but politicians are only making it worse. Teenagers will have sex. That’s just a fact that’s not going to change. But they can be educated to handle it responsibly.
I just thought I’d mention this, if only to inform people. I’m a RN working towards obtaining my Nurse Practitioner and have a lot of clinical experience in the area of Women’s Health.
Yes. Condoms are effective in preventing pregnancy 98% of the time. But that is only with PERFECT use. The American Sexually Transmitted Disease Association actually says, that with “typical” use, pregnancy is only prevented 85% of the time. That’s a significant amount of failures compared to the stats associated with PERFECT use. In regards to STI’s, some STI’s are not solely spread by transmission of fluids. Infections such as genital warts, HPV, herpes and crabs are actually also spread by physical contact of the anogenital region, so condom use is obviously not always protective against these types of STI’s.
That being said, I am very much pro-condoms, as it is definitely much safer to have sex with them than without. I would just hate to have someone read this thread and think that they are totally safe with every new partner they meet. People who are sexually active should be tested often and thoroughly unless they are in a 100% committed relationship with a partner.
All of THAT being said, I’m not even pro-abstinence. I believe people should follow their convictions regarding that issue. I did not choose the road of abstinence before my marriage, and don’t regret that decision at all. I did however chose safety and knowledge and came into my relationship with my husband disease free and ready to enjoy not having to worry about the issues that can at times come with casual sex.
thank you, I was thinking the same! plus, even with a hook up, you probably don’t pick up a crack whore. (I also avoid people who I know have been sleeping with everything they could find) clean and with condom.
When I was younger, I must confess that I did hook up a few times. I did it, quite honestly, because I was lonely and feeling unwanted. In the end, though, it left me feeling empty and feeling even lonelier. So the “remedy” to my loneliness only increased it. Ironic, huh?
I completely agree with you on this one. I have spent countless years chasing that elusive “happiness” with a women to only find out years later it put me further behind the 8 ball. Now I find myself having to do some really tough work in my current relationship, not to mention the havoc it can wreak on your relationship with Jesus.
Just like people who live on fast food are obese and nutritionally deficient. You can go for low quality easy available sex but it wil get you nowhere worth going.
This is it. The pain of loveless loneliness, and longings for touch and communication with people is exactly the reason when I start objectifying women and separating my soul from my sexuality. The pain becomes to much to handle for me. And the worst thing I do is just sit in my apartment, and try to pray it off/or sit it out, when I desire connection. This usually leads me to porn; then I feel like more a guilty creep who doesn’t deserve to connect with other human beings (especially rule-driven Christian friends of mine). On and on it goes. I’m glad to have made everyone depressed by this story. Happy to contribute to the world’s problems.
Hey, I have hooked up with a few women. I did it because because sex feels good and I have strong instincts to have it. It worked well when both parties went in with the same expectations. The only time it ended badly was when the woman wanted something more while I didn’t. I am now married and me and my wife’s past sexual encounters have never been an issue.
I think the key is maturity and to be as clear as possible about your what you want.
good point on the maturity.
“Hooking up” is such a non-technical term that it would be difficult to understand exactly what you imply given the current range of human sexual practices. I am a mid-twenties atheist with no moral objection to having non-marital sex. I have, however been saving sex because–while I do not believe virginity has inherent value–making it rare adds value to the act that would otherwise not be there. In my mind the kind of fun I can have with a random fling is not nearly as worthwhile as sharing my first coital experience with someone I care deeply for. This probably has something to do with the fact that I think sexual acts ought to be concerned with causing pleasure rather than strictly receiving it. It is far more efficient to look at porn (and less likely to cause disease) if one simply wants to climax and doesn’t care about the other party. This may be outside your preferred sample but I figured the extra data could not hurt your understanding.
Good luck navigating the gender relations minefield.
Strangely enough, even from an atheist perspective, your very reasons for waiting sound completely inline with the Biblical intent.
Assuming by “hook up” you mean “have sex with casual partners”?
I’m speaking as a gay man: for years we have had our relationships denied, which puts a lot of pressure on relationships. The hookup culture among gay men is largely a function of a society which has repeatedly told gay men (and women) that their relationships have no value and can only ever be short-term, which is of course a self-fulfilling prophecy. Want gay men to be less “promiscuous”? Stop telling them they’re worthless and give them the opportunity to commit to their partner!
In addition, and I suspect this is as true for straight people as well, there’s the fun of trying out new positions or fetishes with people: experimentation is fun! Evidence in the UK of an emerging trend for middle-class gay guys to seek out sex with “chavs” – working class guys who tend to wear tracksuits, have short hair and are tattooed. Perhaps you want to try out something a bit freaky, a relationship is not a good time to bring up, say, your desire to suck someone’s toes.
There’s also the fun of having sex with people you either wouldn’t want a relationship or couldn’t have a relationship with (because, for example, they’re way out of your league).
There’s also the advantage of being able to get some carnal exercise whilst visiting another area, for example whilst on holiday.
But ultimately, it’s because we realise that sexual pleasure, including masturbation, doesn’t have to take place within a long-term relationship, that done safely (no wellies, no wading!!!) and with consent there are no consequences to enjoying sex with someone you don’t intend to see again. Indeed, the most intense sex I’ve had was a one-night stand, which differs from most pleasurable or most loving.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 10 years now. Worst. Hookup. Ever
I lost my virginity to a girl I was madly in love with and convinced I was going to marry. We were together for 2 years and lived together for half of that. Neither one of us wanted to break up, but due to the circumstances, it had to be done. I took it pretty hard, but about a month after the breakup, I found out that she was married and newly pregnant. I didn’t take it very well. My friends, of course, were doing their best to help me out and the advice I got was: “the best way to get over a girl…is to get under another one.” So I did. I hooked up with a couple girls because I thought it would dilute the memory of being with my ex. It didn’t. It really only made things hurt more because these girls weren’t the girl I still loved. Part of is was that I just like sex a lot wasn’t getting any and I was lonely, but it was mostly to get over my ex. It’s hard to enter the world of hookups when all you know of sex is from the one person that you were in love with. It feels really cheap and empty.
I totally get this. I wanted to just hook up after a 3 year relationship ended to help me get over it. I am so glad that I didn’t at that time. I tried it sometime later (hooking up just to hook up) and it was the most painful and terrible experience I have ever faced.
Sex is fun. I really don’t see why you insist on making it more complicated than that.
You said it well. Sex is fun.
Use birth control every time.
(I’ve never successfully ‘hooked up’; I’ve only had relationships. The only time I tried to have a one-night stand, I married the wonderful woman, and we’ve been together ten years!)
Some of the women I have dated in the past kind of expected the guy to make a move on them to show they were interested in more than just being friends. Usually things started out with a kiss, then it moved on to the bedroom. It really was nothing that either of us planned to do, but it just happened naturally during the course of the relationship. As the relationship grew it became less of an issue. It was more like, well we did that so let’s move on and grow in another direction. The sex didn’t become the foundation of the relationship, but was just something we did on occassion when the mood moved us.
Don, I know this comment has nothing to do with your blog, but I’d like to thank you. At the beginning of this year I read your book about Story and watched your DVD. Then I went searching through your list of ten best books about writing and found ‘Save the Cat’. Then I sat down and did what I’ve been meaning to do for ten years or more – write a young adults novel. I’m about to redraft it under advice from the editors at Penguin Australia, and I hope it will be published by them soon. So, thanks for the inspiration, and all the best with your future.
Cecily
ps. you might also like to know that we ran a book group based on Blue Like Jazz last year at our church and two ladies decided to become Christians and are now coming to Bible study every week, desperate to know more.
Because it’s fun and I feel like it.
Me I’ll never hook up, only one girl in my life and that’s my wife. And I do believe that every one must do this “hook up” because God does not delight on this.
Why do you call it “giving up sex” for women? And explicitly ask women if they’re using it to gain power? Yet, when you pose the same question for guys it’s unassuming and straightforward.
If this is all research for a book, please read some feminist theologians and learn why this phrasing and attitude is problematic. You’re wildly popular, and I’ve agreed with much of what you’ve published, but I hate to see progressive Christians using the same victim-blaming, disrespectful rhetoric as fundamentalists when it comes to gender.
Amen, sister. Emily, I agree with a lot of what you said. Men & women have much more in common spiritually and sexually than they have that is different. There is no single reason men or women hook-up; there are diversity and overlap of reasons for hooking up between the sexes.
Don, you are a great writer, so I hope you take time to see beyond your previous beliefs and assumptions on the subject. Best of luck with this.
(I know I’m a girl & in the wrong section but I had to comment after Emily’s post. )
Yes thank you I was thinking the same thing. It comes of as patronizing and sexist to have such distinct ways of phrasing these questions.
Extremely well said, Emily. Couldn’t agree more.
I suspect we use the “giving up” language w/ women b/c men have more testosterone and have higher sex drives, esp. during adolescence, and as a group have more frequent desire for sex. I can see how a more relationship-oriented sexual encounter doesn’t deserve those questions, but hooking up was not often viewed as a “natural” or common tendency for women until the last couple decades, if that. I’m in my early 30s and definitely see a big shift in what women are willing and I guess wanting (?) to do w/ someone they won’t ever date.
There are a LOT more books about how to get women into bed (by using emotional manipulation) than telling women how to get those shy men into bed. As much as you don’t like “victim” language, we have enough biological and sociological data to show who’s wanting sex more often, and to even show that there’s a set of women who do indeed use sex to get affection, a self-esteem boost, or power. I think Don has valid questions to pose, but yeah, they are stated a bit harshly upfront.
I actually don’t hook up. However, I have an open marriage and thus have secondary partners in addition to my wife, and she has other partners of her own. While many of her partners are simply for the joy and pleasure of exploring the minds and bodies of other people, however briefly, I only ever even consider pursuing another partner if I have a significant emotional attachment to them.
This is an honest question, not a retort. I’m really interested: what makes your wife different to you than the others with whom you have sex and a significant emotional attachment?
I can’t talk for Flimsyman, obviously, but I can answer this from my own perspective.
Nothing and everything. Your primary partner is special because of the time you’ve spent with them, the deep bonds you’ve developed. For me, even if I start falling in love with a second woman, it does not detract from the love I feel for the first.
It’s hard to explain but it’s somewhat like friendship, you have a best friend, whom you’ve known for years and years, and then you meet a new coworker and really hit it off. Does that reduce the feelings you have for your best friend? Of course not.
Love can be the exact same. It can be even stronger if the feelings extend equally between all three of you.
I’ve only “hooked up” with one person, my wife, after we married. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
However, I actually wanted to comment because, as a guy from the UK, the term “hook up” doesn’t really mean sex. I actually followed your link from twitter because you said – “Questions about hooking up…”, and I thought you were talking about a physical get together, meeting some of your fans!
Just a point that your audience is international…
We are sexual beings and have been designed that way. It’s a need we all feel for the most part. “hooking-up” seems selfish to me depending upon what you mean by the term.
I think alot of guys in the OT had issues with “hooking-up” But it didn’t stop them. Probably guys in the NT as well.
Because it’s a need, fun, gives some sort of satisfaction I expect alot of non-married guys are “hooking-up. Maybe married as well.
The first women I had sex with were girls I was in an intimate relationship with. Sex with them was more emotional and intimate and I remember that it was much more meaningful than the occasional hookups I’ve had. Two years ago a girl I thought I was going to marry split up with me and left me feeling lonely and unwanted by other women. I hooked up with a few girls because i desired the company and the brief encounters with them left me feeling as if I mattered, even on the simplest scale. But recently I’ve realized that this mindset will hinder me from meeting someone special and having a healthy relationship. I won’t be able to give a woman all of me if I’m focused on just the sexual aspect of the relationship. Hooking up was about feeling wanted and desired by women. Now, I think it’s a waste of time.
I have had plenty of one-night stands because I was like hey it’s just sex no attachment or emotional issues right? Boy was I wrong I felt guilt afterwards that I wasn’t loving myself or the girl I was hooking up with misusing God’s gift he gave us. Don’t get me wrong sex is great and as males we are more physical, instinctual, and animal-like when it comes to this. I forget quite often how emotionally attached and feelings oriented women are. Sex is quite hard not to think about for a guy especially after one-night stands craving it more and more. However, I believe that God has the perfect woman in mind for me and I have to work on my weaknesses pointed out by Him.
My story might be one of those cliché ones. As a little kid, I always was the outcast in every social circle. That angered me because no matter how much I tried, I could never be “cool” like the people around me. around the time of high school, I chose to have “different” friends, friends that were cool by what they did and how they acted. These friends were older and all had had sex. I was the little virgin in the group, and again this angered me. I was then motivated by power to be better than them or at least be at their level. Until finally at the age of 16, I had sex. It was meaningless, no intimacy whatsoever, and it was with a girl I had just met in less than a month. But I had sex: officially one of the “cool” people. I was then confronted with another problem: having sex that one time wasn’t enough; I needed to have more to be in that consistency with the rest or else I would be tagged that “loser that hadn’t had sex in x amount of months, years, etc.” I then went on a sexual binge, meeting girls with that motive of wanting nothing serious and looking at them like they were just another number. One more on my list. I’ll be honest, after each one, it was never enough. I left myself in a emotionless state on the outside but depressed on the inside. Hooking up may be all fun and games in the moment, but it is only temporal happiness; it left me in a bigger hole than I had previously dug. It was fun but not worth the years that followed afterwards. But God is Great, He has blessed me in the recent years and when I look back I realize had I not gone through all that, I wouldn’t be realizing how vitally important it is to look at girl and actually see for all she’s worth. Treating her not as quantity but as quality. And guys, that for every girl that you meet, whether it be a friend, girlfriend, or wife, they all deserve the utmost respect; treat them all equally.
Thanks Don, you’re books have helped me through some hard times and I’ll keep praying God Blesses you more and more each day.
Gonna echo a few other people already.
Because it’s fun!
There are always ethical or non-ethical ways to do everything, and sex is no exception. While I might “hook up” frequently I do so with specific rules;
1.) First and foremost I always make sure that I am completely honest about my intentions. I never lie, I never exaggerate. If I’m just looking for sex that comes out right at the beginning when I meet them, not after they’ve already taken me home/gone home with me.
2.) I’m checked for STD’s on a VERY regular basis, I’ve never once contracted one.
3.) I ALWAYS use a condom. It is mandatory.
4.) I don’t drink alcohol. So I make sure I NEVER approach a woman who is drinking. If, after she ALREADY knows my intentions, she decides to drink a bit later that’s fine.
5.) I always leave my real number, just in case something unfortunate does happen later.
As a result of these rules I almost never hook up in a bar, or with complete strangers, but I’ve slept with a very large percentage of my female friends. It has not, in my experience, ever lead to problems. Everybody has urges, some people get lonely. For my friends it’s known that I am a careful, caring lover, who won’t pressure them, give them a hard time or treat it like a conquest. So they feel they can trust me. I cherish that trust.
Relationships run a huge gamut between ‘friend’ and ‘spouse’, it does NOT have to be binary one or the other. They can also move along that gamut both ways without there being hurt feelings. It’s all about being honest with ourselves and each other.
There are STDs that cannot be detected on a male, but can still be passed to a female. How does that fit Rule #2?
At the core of my hookups have been lonliness. They have often been in the wake of relationships in which I put my whole self into emtionally and physically but didn’t work out.
Now that’s honesty! Thx.
You are very welcome
Gentleman:
Many of your answers of why you hook up take away your blame, shame and detract from the reality that you are your brother/sisters keeper. I call it the adam syndrome. “it wasn’t me God, Eve gave me the apple”. In my version Eve was thinking in her head “really ass, I made you eat that apple? I’m pretty sure it was you trying to show off how much of man you were.”
I’m tired of men getting away with not being responsible for their actions and putting the onus on women of the vigilance of her virginity. You are your sister’s keeper. So the question is do you treat/ have you treated the women “hook ups” in your life like you would like your sister to be treated? Is that respect there? What do you really think about these women that you hook up with?
How many abortions, emotional, spiritual and psychological damages have you caused due to your hookups? Think about that the next time your low self-esteem manifests itself in the form of egotistical penis head mentality in need to show how much a man you are by having a “hook up”.
you’re kidding, right?
except for one instance of sexual assault, I have been responsible for my sexual activity every single time in the 25+ years I have been sexually active. No one else, me.
I do not need a man to be the protector of my virginity. I was more than capable of deciding when to abandon it and with whom.
I have brothers, and even they don’t dare to assume they’ve ever been my keepers, let alone the men I’ve met or the one I married. And I’d really hope the people they have (or have had) sex with were not being compared in any way to me, their sister.
and I’m quite emotionally and psychologically unscarred by my sexual experiences, thankyouverymuch. Self-respect is quite intact.
Rocky, thank you for writing this and for encouraging men to think about the other person.
CanadianChick, I appreciate your perspective, but there are a lot of women out there who are not as independent as you. There are many women out there who (for right or wrong) make themselves vulnerable because they are looking to meet some emotional need. And there are a lot of guys who take advantage of that. Weather the girl is independent and self-determined like you, or in a lonely and depressed place, the man still has a responsibility to treat her respectfully and consider the consequences his actions will have for both him and her. (I also think that this is true for women as well).
I so agree. Women can only be seeking meaningless sex because they are deeply unhappy and alienated. It is a very sad situation.
Who are you to say the ONLY seek it for those reasons? Speak for yourself. I’ve never “hooked up,” but it still bothers me that you think you’re qualified to state why all women have casual sex.
Don,
I don’t hook up.
I can tell you that not keeping the physical aspect of our (I and my late wife) relationship under control did nothing to help our marriage in the long run. It created a lot of expectations going into marriage that were very unhealthy and very damaging. It took us a long time to repair the damages.
I hope that helps in some way. We were married for three and half years before she passed. They say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, I feel very confident in what I’ve said.
Email me for more details if you like. I don’t want to give out anything more on a public forum.
Honestly – too much alcohol clouded my judgement. Had I been sober and actually thought about it, I wouldn’t have. A once in a lifetime thing for me and I regret it.
Yes, depending on how you’re defining “hooking up,” I have hooked up. You mentioned over on the ladies comments when responding to someone that you were really wondering whether a hook up could be part of a love story, and a positive part at that.
A few years back I was in a Friends with Benefits relationship that was a great deal of fun. That FWB introduced me to my future wife. My future wife knew about the benefits before she started dating me, and was fine with it. We’re both still friends with the FWB that introduced us. I don’t regret that relationship in any way, and in fact am glad it happened. Not only did I become a better lover (a skill I could take to my wife), but it’s because of it that I met my wife.
Sex can be a means of showing intimacy, or enhancing intimacy, but it doesn’t have to be that, nor could I see it being that way all the time. It certainly isn’t always about “making love” when I have sex with my wife. In truth, the times I feel most connected to my wife, and the times I’m most reminded why I married her, are when we’re sitting down at a dinner, having a wonderful conversation. It’s better than even the most mind blowing, intimate, and loving sex.
I suppose I should also mention that I slept with my wife before marriage, and would never have considered marrying her if I hadn’t. Sexual compatibility is very important if you’re going to commit to something like marriage, and you can only find out if you’re sexually compatible by trying. I would have been appalled if my wife had said her virginity was such a special gift she wanted to save it for the wedding night, because she loved and respected me so much even before she met me. How could she know that the sex would be good for her with me on the wedding night, and thereafter, if she didn’t test me? I’m not seeing any respect for me, or herself, in that scenario.
From what I can tell from reading these comments, both for the guys and the ladies, a lot of the guilt and regret and shame seems to happen most when they’ve been told that premarital sex is wrong, or dirty, or that it should always be this magical thing and you’re doing it wrong if it’s not. It’s that attitude which seems to be causing the pain, not the hook ups themselves. I’m also seeing a lot of people in these comments going into sex with beliefs that it will somehow fulfill some deep emotional need, or provide something beyond just fun and pleasure. Put it on a pedestal, and it’s no wonder so many are disappointed and filled with regret.
(Full disclosure, I’m an atheist, so perhaps you won’t consider my answer as valid as a Christian man’s. You would be wrong.)
in no way is your opinion any less valid just because you don’t happen to be a christian! i happen to have a relationship with christ, am only 20 yrs old, have made mistakes and also made good choices along the way, but you shouldn’t feel like your beliefs don’t “count”. it all boils down to the fact that everyone, everywhere, since the beginning of time, will always have their individual opinions regarding sex and the related subjects surrounding that. just because we believe something strongly, does not make it true. which is why, being a christian, i try to follow what i know god says is right and good and beneficial. even though when i want to believe otherwise, i truly know that what i should do (or try not to do, in this case) isn’t something that is going to hinder my “fun” life. it sounds stupid, i know, but once fully realized, i don’t feel like a prude or that i’m missing out or i’m a boring loser. i feel – pretty free. it’s freeing. and wayyyy less complicated.
Frightened Rabbit, “Keeping Yourself Warm.” Not sure if it’s anything that will help, but a friend posted it on FB and I thought of this conversation when I listened to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qZr1uHiwsY&feature=player_embedded
I’m not American, but I wanted to contribute. I’m 30yo and I live in Belfast, NI. I’ve been with my fiancee for 3 years now. She’s a virgin, mostly for religious reasons (Catholic), and I respect her decision. I want to make it clear that I do not respect her religion, I respect her. I am not a virgin, and I am openly atheist, and have been since I was a teenager.
I have never “hooked up”, I’m assuming you mean a one night stand, with anyone in my life. Before meeting my fiancee, I had 2 girlfriends. The first was for 8 months and the second lasted about 2.5 years. Being celibate comes very naturally to be.
Even though I have never done it I see nothing wrong with “hooking up”, as long as everyone involved are willing and intelligent enough to understand what is likely to result from it. I do see a problem with bigots who take it upon themselves to try and control/dictate what other people do with their private parts.
Having sex is not immoral! Unless the other person doesn’t want to, or is too young. Then it’s immoral!
For me, hooking up isn’t really an issue. I will say that I have slept in the same bed with few women, messed around, but never had sex. The thought of accidentally getting someone pregnant or contracting an STD scares me too much to do this. Plus, not only that, but I really just want to save that for someone I love and intend to marry.
You know, this is a great question that I think everyone, at some point in their life, should ask. Why do we, guys, hook up?
I’ve had quite a number of experiences of hooking up, myself. When I ask myself why I “hooked up” a number of responses come to mind. The simplest reason that comes to mind is because it felt good and was fun. The obvious problem with this is that it inherently is selfish. However, whether we want to live out of a selfish vantage point is another discussion all together. Anyway, the thing that no one wants to admit (at least I didn’t), is that the “law of diminishing return” applies to sex, too. After a while, sex becomes a sort of task, and therefore less enjoyable, especially (I’m sad to admit) if it is done primarily with the same person. So, I opted to hook up, hoping to find the new encounters just as stimulating as the earliest encounters were. The problem was they weren’t. Hooking up with new people all the time, too, has its point of diminishing return.
What I am realizing now is that I was getting (or trying to get) something that runs a lot deeper than just mere enjoyment and excitement. Yes, those were legitimate affects for a period of time, but what I really wanted was validation. Having a lot of sex with a lot of women made me feel a lot like a man. It wasn’t so much of a masculine conquering of the feminine kind of thing, but rather having the feminine, especially in a sexual manner, affirmed myself as the opposite: a masculine.
If looked at solely from a natural perspective, vaginas don’t really work right with vaginas while penises don’t really work right with penises, and so if I get enough penis and vagina action, there is no mistaking that I am a fully functioning man. At least that’s what I thought.
In the end I gave myself away emotionally far too often. The sex wasn’t any longer that satisfying, and, truth be told, I really didn’t feel any more of a man for hooking up with some sexy girl. Today, I’ve chosen to be abstinent sexually until I get married. I (try to, at least) no longer look to women to affirm my masculine identity. I have a penis and so I know I officially am a man. And I know that I got what it takes, through grace, to be a “man”.
P.S. I think women like it better, too, because no longer am I trying to “steal” something from them, (e.g, my identity), but am instead free to give something, perhaps everything, to them.
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! For a long time it’s seemed to me that so many men want to validate themselves through a women’s vagina. When all the time we’re just looking for a man to be a man. Thanks for your honesty Nathan.
Sex is natural. It is biological. That doesnt always necessarily mean that we should engage in sex as if it were non-important. Reading through some of these answers from the men (and also the women in the other blog) people are saying that people are putting sex on a pedestal when it should not be put on a pedestal. I would have to completely disagree with that. I find it very selfish when someone would think that sex is not that special. Sex has so much power. It is viewed as “holy” because of the power it has. It creates connection. It creates pleasure. It creates humans. It creates another individual with you and your partner’s genes. Doesn’t that seem somewhat special to people? Granted, if you wear protection that chance is lowered but it still is not 100% gone. There is still that risk of catching a STD or becoming pregnant. And another thing…if it isnt that special….. then i guess developing diseases which cause pain, discomfort,embarrassment, and even death in some cases is not that big of a deal which would make your own life not that big of a deal. So before we continually say that sex IS NOT THAT HOLY….look at all the risks and power it has before saying so.
I dont think God wanted to make sex for married couples to be cruel and prevent us (humans) from enjoying our sexuality that HE created. He did it to help prevent from the troubles that can be created from it if we are not responsible and mature enough to handle it.
i’m glad that at least one guy views this topic as valuable and not something to be wasted repeatedly on random people.
Sex as ” fun” is such a tragic undervaluing. Humanity is not recognizing it’s greatest gifts. For women to allow their bodies to be used for fun by strangers makes me very sad. I wish for all human beings to value themselves so much more than this.
This seems an odd question to ask. It’s my understanding that sex has a socializing component among humans – regardless of gender.
There’s this, and there’s the fact that sex is fun – the question would be why _not_ engage in having fun?
The functions of having sex and of building an ongoing relationship are vastly different from each other, so it can make only limited sense to try and compare, me seems.
Why not have fun? Indeed. Why not demote sex to merly ” fun”.. Well because you are overlooked the possibility of transformative sacred bliss, and going for fleeting mere fun instead. You who dub sex as ” fun” don’t know what sex really can be. You are al massively underachieving sexually.
Real Sex by Lauren Winner, if you haven’t read it, you should. Best book I’ve ever read on the subject, also only one directed at singles you aren’t 22 or younger that I’ve ever read
My wife & I were both virgins when we got married. We have a great marriage and I still absolutely adore her. We have great sex but I suspect that the sex is great because we are deeply emotionally connected. No regrets!
Congratulations on the great quality of life you have found. I hope you treasure the purity you two have between you, it’s beautiful.
That is a wonderful thing! I hope that you treasure that and continue to stay pure with each other for the rest of your lives!
I’m no guy, but thought you would be interesed in the female point of view.
As a christian I allowed myself 2 months of crying/resting/vegging/and being alone in prayer after the death of my boyfriend. After that,I forced myself to catch up with my old friends/bandmates one last time. I knew I wouldn’t see them again due to our lives taking different directions. I loved them dearly like bothers and they treated me like thier sister. However, one night One of the previous bandmates who i had not seen for over a year showed up. and to make a long story short we made out. we both understood that it was a friends with benefits sort of night. I didnt want anything more than an escape from the pain of my ex’s memories as did he. After all he had went through a horrible break up after being together for 6 years. we were both in love with our ex’s but they were gone. the hook up worked…typical rebound situation (temporary fix)…I felt like i could conquer the world after that night. But, soon that high started to wear off…I didnt want to go back to being alone, praying, face my depression and having to deal with lifes demands (even though god did give me the strength to do so). I sent him a text we met at a motel, and again, and so on. Then i realized i was falling for him. I cut it off I stopped texting and stopped replying to his texts. after all rebounds never work and this guy could litterally have any girl he wanted. it was too painful to fall for him. a few months later i moved to a city and started working with a producer who happend to be in a band that my hook-up partner tried out for. i was suprized but mad that i couldnt get away from this heartbreaker. i moved on started dating a guy and it was just a matter of time before my new boyfriend and him became freinds due to running in the same circle. soon this old flame who i secretly had a crush on and who i could never date was hanging out at my apartment with my boyfriend. I hated myself for being in that situation, but never once did i regret hooking up with him. i finally came clean with the truth to my boyfriend about my past fling with his new friend, because i felt it was something i should have said from the beginning and didnt.
the truth did lighten the load, but when i am around him (which i make a point not to be)I still end up using quite a bit of energy fighting the lustful thoughts. who knows what blessing i gave up by hooking up with him, but like i said before i just dont really regret it either.
Because of our Pride
I have never hooked up, but I think this is why people do it.
First, whatever the emotional consequences might follow they have already experienced them. So they have nothing to lose.
Second, both partners have something going on in their lives that precludes a long-term relationship. This can be school, a demanding career, traveling, a planned move etc. This however, does not exclude a desire for sex. Both partners fulfill that desire for each other.
Third, the the specific set of skills that both sexes use to attract each other eventually become habits. Thus, a guy may simply be on auto-pilot. The girl could be on auto-pilot as well.
Hooking up is a phenomen that raises huge red flags for me. The rate of sexual ecstasy is far from rising. The fast food anonymity of hook ups, the adrenal of it, is all about depersonalization and avoidance of heart. Humanity seems to be throwing it’s best qualities away, along with the rainforest and our atmosphere. The myopic quick fix, just doesn’t cut it, re. Evolution.
I’m a lady and I’ve hooked up just for sex before.
It was pretty awesome I won’t even pretend to lie.
When I think of “hook-ups” in today’s world I, for some reason, am reminded of this quote by G.K. Chesterton:
“Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.”
Why is that I wonder? I’m led to think that, potentially, today’s modern hook-ups are in relation to what G.K. Chesterton is getting at.
There are so many surface answers that I could give for the reason’s I’ve hooked up, like some of the comments here – “It’s fun” and “exciting”. I could even go into my personal history and talk about shame and the fear of unworthiness.
However, what it all comes down to is a searching for something…
As St. Augustine said “Our hearts are restless Lord until they rest in thee.”
As I human I notice how I use cheap imitations to fill the voids of those things that I really want, but don’t want to do the work to get what I really want.
Therefore, I believe a “hook-up” is much like this… It’s settling for the shadow or silhouette of something that I really want.
Do you know what my friend said to me the other day that I thought was kind of funny?
“You should get a boyfriend because you have needs”
Its funny because I’ve never thought of my sexuality resulting in some kind of need..maybe its because I am a christian or because I do think of sex as a choice..
A great read for anybody interested in the book Sex God by Rob Bell..a great take on this topic
Love it!
Yeah, I tell my boyfriend everyday that we need to have our wedding soon because he has “needs.” Gosh, love that man and his needs to death.
Yeah, I tell my boyfriend everyday that we need to have our wedding soon because he has “needs.” Gosh, love that man and his needs to death.
uh, your language is interesting.
in asking about the women, you ask why they “give up sex” easily – suggesting that it is something women are giving over if they choose to engage in.
whereas you don’t ask the question of men in the same way – bc of course, there seems to be an understanding that men just want to have sex, pure and simple.
can the same not be true for women?
why is that men are not thought of as giving something up easily when they choose to have sex outside of a relationship?
I think sometimes we guys hook up because we feel entitled to it. The visual sexual addiction is no longer enough and we “need” more. On top of that we have convinced ourselves that we kind of deserve this sexual release and we know there are girls who want the attention. It can be an incredibly selfish action just because we our sex drives are feeling a bit stronger. It is so unrewarding though. It’s empty and it hurts more than just myself.
From what I have been a part of, and from what I have seen around me, guys hook up simply because they are “supposed to”. It seems to me that most guys try to find girls to hook up with just because that is what they feel they ought to be doing–I mean, everyone else is, right? It must be a good thing that leads to some positive end, right?
At college, I’m surrounded by individuals who incessantly speak of going out and finding a new ‘slam piece’; yet I have yet to hear a legitimate reason as to why, other than just for the brief moment of pleasure. Ultimately, guys hook up because they are immature and have grossly miscalculated the costs of their actions, and they are simply at a loss for what to do… So they just hop on the bandwagon of what everyone else is doing, for fear of being left behind.
I read many comments if not all. I want to say something ‘smart’.. if you have a penis or a vagina — you are a sexual human being.. sexuality and spirituality goes hand in hand.. every single one of us is a spiritual human being.. you may call your God – God, or the Creator, The Source, IT, Spirit, etc etc each one of us knows deep down we are more than a body; you are a soul, I am a soul.. and the language of the soul are our feelings. The best advise I could give to anyone is to tune in, focus, get in touch with yourself.. soul is love, our ego / false self is control and darkness set of ideas, regulations, rules, beliefs etc etc & that’s what separates..
You will find love, your true love, when you find your soul — aka when you find yourself you will fall in love.. the love is not outside of us, it is in us.. go within.. the Kingdom of Heaven is in you.. Song of Solomon 3:4 “I found the one whom my soul loves”