Had a long talk tonight with a friend about our flaws, how as we were growing up we were fat or freckled or wore glasses, and about no matter how much we change, we still feel like that rejected kid. She wasn’t quite as chubby as I was (or still am!) but she still got made fun of in school. For both of us, the healing really came when we learned to accept ourselves as we were.
It’s a slow process, for sure, and for me it included forgiving myself without feeling sorry for myself, and deciding to enjoy life now, not “when I lose weight.”
For me, that was the beginning of a long journey of losing more than 150 pounds. I don’t always love my body, but I rarely if ever hate it anymore. I’ve come a long way from those times that, in high school, I’d stress about not fitting into my band uniform. It’s been an incredible journey. I never diet anymore, and I keep a closer check on the crap I tell myself than I do on the scale (though I confess I weigh every day as, for me, it’s healthy to see that number and accept it rather than hate it.)
I used to hate seeing pictures of me back when I was so much heavier, but now, I love them. I was a good guy back then. I was carrying around a lot more than weight and it only produced muscle. And being that big gave me a big heart. I’m grateful.
It’s true we impress people with our supposed perfections, but we connect with each other in our flaws.
I’d rather be connected than perfect. After talking to my friend tonight about our flaws, I’m going to bed connected. Feels pretty good. Hope you’ve got some folks to celebrate your flaws with too.
Thought this video from Caitlyn Crosby was great.
Feel free to share your very favorite flaws in the comments below!
This post ranks pretty high up on my list of favorite things written by Don Miller.
“we are connected through our flaws” – so true!
I’m blessed to be part of a community of people who are flawed…and love each other all the more for it.
I have trouble standing up to people and am too concerned about what people think. I have spent too much time as a church mouse.
I really appreciate this post: it is so important in this world to learn to accept ourselves. A saying I really appreciate and try to embrace is “a lot of disappointed people have been left standing on the street corner waiting for the bus marked Perfection.” Thanks again for this. Your posts are a delight!
I liked the connection part but I just found myself thinking how I do want to connect with God first who is perfect. What we may need is a better understanding of perfection. I think what we sometimes view as a flaw is more a part of our humanity.
And sometimes the process begins with seeing our similarities, warts and all.
I’m connecting to God more and more by watching him redeem me and turn me into the beautiful thing he always intended. without the flaws, the breathtaking experience of redemption would be impossible!
So true.
Thanks Don,
As a person who struggles with weight myself, this hits close to home. Not only is it a struggle for me, but I have to counsel others about their weight (I am a resident doctor) and that can be difficult. Your quote that rings home for me, “It’s true we impress people with our supposed perfections, but we connect with each other in our flaws,” may really help me learn to love those flaws.
Thank you again, God bless
Ben
[...] my daily blog reading, a post from Donald Miller caught my [...]
Book Recommend: The Gift of Imperfection – Letting Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are. By Brene’ Brown Ph.D.
She tackles the darker emotions that really get in the way of leading a fuller life. I give the book 5 Stars.
I second the recommendation.
Don, I love this picture of you. It really does allow me to see your heart better than any picture that attempts to make you look perfect. Point well made, even in the graphic.
I just want to say- girls, I’m a guy and I love freckles. There. I said it.
“It’s true we impress people with our supposed perfections, but we connect with each other in our flaws. I’d rather be connected than perfect.”
I could not say it any better than this.
I’m learning to love my big ears and my cowlicks…
Good for you! You’re awesome the way you are now. Don’t let people’s opinions make you think think you’re less than…(fill in the blank). It’s taken me forever to embrace my fair skin and short stature, but it’s getting easier knowing nobody has it all together.
…..and the fact that i can’t comment without messing the words up, is a perfect example of our flawed nature:)
I LOVED THIS VIDEO! Thank you so much for sharing your story as well. As a 19 year old woman (or should I say girl?… Young lady
) of course I struggle with my flaws. I’m too short, I’m not a size 00, I don’t have perfect skin, I’m too loud, my voice sounds weird… but everyone else has things about their body or their personality that they feel uncomfortable about. But I’ve learned (and am learning…) to embrace those things, not only in myself but in other people as well. As I grow up and grow in my relationship with Christ, I’m learning that it’s not about what a person looks like on the outside, it’s about what the heart looks like. How I love myself and how I love others in Christ’s love is what counts 
I’m an amateur photographer and edit out “flaws” at times. But I love the way people look just as they are. Their smiles and eyes say it all. Love the blog and video.
Love this post D! Man, it’s great to see a picture of you from back in the day to put things in perspective! Thanks for being awesome Don. You inspire many.
Hey Don, I would love for you to get back to me about this, but I remember in your book “Searching for God Knows What” you focused on how our security lies not in what we or others think of ourselves but what God thinks of us. Yes he can utilize our flaws and teach us ways to grow through them, but you focus on you and your outcomes, not God. I am honestly a little disappointed in your departure from this train of thoughts and thought process.
Sincerely, Kyle
p.s. I left my email and would like to start up a dialogue.
I look like my dad
I used to have Christina Applegate’s nose until Poe, the Demon Dog, nearly bit the whole thing off in a fit of madness. I don’t like my nose anymore but Poe and I are working out our relationship. Sometimes I rub his belly but I don’t lean in for those kisses anymore.
This is very similar to what this project is doing…. amazing work here.
selfworthproject.com
[...] Learning to Love Your Flaws | Don Miller [...]
So true Don! It was acne for me. Eight years of zits, puss, and pot-marks. It’s hard to make friends when you’re hoping no one looks you in the face. But so true that the scars on my face help me connect, understand, and love others with the scars on theirs….
My flaws are mainly in my personality. I had a terrible childhood and the way it manifested itself was self-hatred, shame, guilt and rebellion. I made people dislike me. It’s been a long, long road to realize that I was just a helpless child and my circumstances were not my fault. God has given me so much grace and I can now say that not only do I love myself, I actually like myself. And guess what? I now like others. God is so good!!!
So glad to find your blog…a friend told me about it! I’m a fan of your books and you have had so many interesting experiences – I was glad to see what you look like! Even got my husband to listen to CD of Blue while we were traveling this summer, so he’s a fan now. Thanks for your observations and perspective!
Don, do tell us how you lost 150 pounds. That would be a blog post which would bless many!!
Blessings!
I had surgery on my shoulder when I was a newborn and growing up I was extremely self conscious of the giant scar it left. I remember refusing to wear tank tops in grade school, and eventually, in the 100 degree plus weather, my mom sat me down and had a talk about letting the scar control me or letting it be a part of me, eventually I got over it, but it took a long time. Every once in a while, some guy will say how “hott” or “sexy” my scar is and I can’t help but laugh, remember how I tried to hide it for so long.
If we hide our imperfections, we will always be scared of people knowing our secrets. But confidence is attractive for both sexes, we all just need to be okay with who we are.
I find this post comforting. However, I’ve been wondering for long years about what Jesus meant by saying “Be perfect…, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5,48)
Fidelia, the word Jesus uses there is teleos, which is where we get the prefix for tele-phone, tele-portation, etc. It can mean to become complete, whole, and mature, or to reach the goal. Sort of carries the sense of “getting there,” as when a child reaches adulthood or when a steak is cooked “to perfection.” Always carries with it the idea of a journey and a purpose, and is far from the English version of “perfect” that connotes flawlessness. Hope this helps.
How come being an angry screamy lazy pushy b-word is NOT an acceptable flaw to embrace and everything will be alright? My flaws are NOT flawsome and I wish it were so easy to embrace and be happy but it’s NOT SO EASY! NO BODY LIKES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY self is NOT worth much, I am a functional JERK!
Melissa,
I like you for your honesty. I feel so much like you just described, like no matter what I do it goes south. And that I can only hold up the facade for a short while before someone scratches it and sees through and walks away. I don’t know that I have answers but sometimes it just helps to have someone say they understand. I think I do and I know it hurts like hell and I’m sorry you are in that place.
I read something recently (I can’t remember what or where) that said that God gives people grace to go first and that one person’s confession of their flaws or mistakes or sins allows other people to do the same. That’s a terrible paraphrase of someone else’s writing (I hope not yours), so thanks for going first.
“It’s true we impress people with our supposed perfections, but we connect with each other in our flaws.” I dig that alot!!!
I really love this. I, too, have lost well over 100 pounds this past year, and I look back on the woman I was and see someone strong, beautiful and valid…the person I am today is no different, just healthier. I wish now I would have embraced my flaws before…I would have gone to the beach with friends, would have dated more, played more, because now I realize my weight was the least of it.
Thank you for sharing.
I am now the (somewhat) proud owner of a three inch scar from tear duct to the space formerly occupied by a dimple. It is a reminder that I am now cancer free. This flaw has helped me accept that outer beauty is fleeting, whether from surgery, accident or age. It helped me sort out what I already knew. Is my heart right with God and others? Am I kind? That is what will last.
that video brought tears to my eyes. so much pressure! it’s SO beautiful to have someone come along and release you from it (even if that someone is yourself)
i have an indented chest, when i was younger i was made fun of pretty good and even until about 7 years ago i was ashamed of it. then my daughter was born with the same thing and now i’m more proud of it than ever. i don’t want her to feel in any way ashamed of it; that is how God made us and we are proud of our flaws!
I so related to what you wrote, I struggled and still struggle with my weight. Even though I am soon to turn 45, I still have a bad image of myself and this weight thing has been a curse than anything else. How did you wind up losing the weight? What did you do? I’m curious
Don… I appreciate your post and on a deeper level… I appreciate the flaws that I and others have. Without these imperfections how would we ever feel the need for grace? And my recognition of grace in turn, allows me to recognize and own my flaws.
If I were being honest about a flaw I am learning to appreciate it would be my deep feelings of inadequacy. I long to feel like I’m enough and though it’s debilitating at times to feel insecure or inept, it always points back to my spirituality and oneness with God. It’s a healthy work in progress, as it should be.
I hope this comment sheds some light and I hope others continue to post their thoughts too. It’s enriching and fulfilling to see others’ hearts.
Blessings.
Good stuff, as always, Don
in my ministry I’ve met lots of what might be called “the beautiful people” (north Dallas has lots of those) who by all appearance are flawless people living seemingly perfect lives who, like everybody else, are insecure about walking across the street. Not comfortable for one minute in their “own skin. “
Preach!
As a buck-toothed, four-eyed teen I never felt pretty. Contacts eventually replaced glasses, and at age 48 I got braces. It took me a while to grow into myself, but the passing of years has its benefits. I’ve come to like the woman God created, even with the scars and flaws that come with a life lived. I’m more excited about my future than I was at 20, because I know now what I didn’t know then. The me God sees is all that really matters. Thank you for your refreshing honesty. Blessings~Jo Rae
Don, I respect you as a Christian leader for losing 150 lbs! It’s a great witness to the power of the Holy Spirit at work in you. I think we should strive to change the “flaws” we can change with God’s help. Sometimes our flaws are a result of our sin. Other times, not. For those we can’t change, we need his grace to accept them, and ourselves as He made us. Keep up the good work.
Melissa – your words here are like dagger in my heart. I read them last night & revisit them just now – I hold you in compassion and ask, can you love yourself? You are a woman of great worth – whether you realize it or not.
May you be safe.
May you be strong.
May you be courageous.
May you live with ease.
I was born with a HUGE, red, port wine stain birthmark from my groin to my big toe on my right leg. This is something I am unable to cover-up unless I wear pants and socks all year! I am 32 years old and have learned that although my flaw at the beach can never be covered, God made me uniquely special and no one can change that. I finally found a way to use it for God’s glory by telling little children that “God painted my leg and made me special.” It’s amazing how many freckles, moles, birthmarks that children are conscientious of that we don’t even notice. More often then not they go away with a smile knowing God made them uniquely special too. It helps to remember this when their parents stare without asking. It’s when I play the mind game with myself that I am not good enough or not liked that I am pushed down. Thanks Don for this reminder that I’m uniquely flawed and created special.
[...] too long I after I posted “Thorns” I read this post from Donald Miller. I seriously never go to his website, but I’m glad I did. This is my favorite [...]
Hi Melissa,
I also have a port-wine birthmark… On my right cheek. It is very large and noticeable… Probably softball sized. I go back and forth with feeling proud and ashamed. I was called “Gorby” in school and my parents tried to convince me to get it removed as a child. I told them, it was the way God made me. I wrote a poem about it a few years ago… After I watched movie about a rare camel being so valuable to a Mongolian family (random, I know). The thought I would most like to embrace from it is that “rare is beautiful.” our “flaws” make us unique. And our uniqueness makes us rare. And, like I said above, rare is beautiful. Thanks for the posts, all, and for the reminder that we can love ourselves as we are… which makes us strive to be better (physically, spiritually, mentally.)
Thanks for the wonderful post! I added you to my list of favorite quotes. “We impress people with our supposed perfections, but we connect with each other in our flaws.” I have experienced the truth of this numerous times, and I think most of us know this to be true on some level, but the deceiver continually tricks us into promoting our supposed perfection knowing it will leave us lonely and isolated. Thanks for the great reminder.
Don,
I’m afraid I just don’t buy into the concept of flaws anymore. Flaws need judgements and expectations to validate their own perceived existence, and those judgements and expectations all arise from some distorted yet accepted Hollywood view as to how things are supposed to be. All of us were created in God’s image exactly as He wanted us to be. When God tells me I’m flawed then I’ll start to believe it. But until then, I have a life to lead and love to share, knowing that even when I am by myself I am never alone.
Let’s celebrate our own Divine perfection and the Divine perfection of others. Unless, of course, God tells us otherwise.
[...] WOW what an awesome old blog post: Donald Miller’s “Learning to Love Your Flaws.” I’ve gushed with admiration over Miller’s writing time and time again, but he really [...]