The older I get, the more I appreciate pain. I’m not a masochist by any stretch because I don’t like pain any more than the average person. And yet I’ve come to appreciate it.
In years past, when I’d go through a hard time, I’d run from it. I’d try not to feel it or deal with it. But these days, I’ve learned the only way life can actually get better is if I face reality, face my mistakes and liabilities and somehow correct or at least acknowledge them.
In stories, characters only change in crisis. Characters never, ever change when the story is going well. And of course the same is true with life. Pain is always an invitation to grow.
Sadly, pain also has the opposite affect. If we cover over our pain with coping mechanisms, it’s as though we are going through a workout without gaining muscle. Some people do this for years and never grow. Ever met a 50-year old who is still making the mistakes of a 19-year old? It’s likely because he never accepted pain and allowed it to change his character.
Here are some ways we can grow through when we are in the midst of pain:
1. Accept it: We need to sit with the pain and not run from it. This means we can’t drink it away or make ourselves busy or “start the next chapter” before we’ve wrapped up the previous one.
2. Gain perspective: If we lose a loved one, it likely has nothing to do with us. And yet, we can still ask ourselves what really matters in the face of our pain. We can ask ourselves how we want to live differently because of the pain.
3. Take inventory: There are other kinds of pain, though, that bring us into self reflection. We’d be wise, then, to do some self reflecting. If the pain is relational, I’d encourage going through Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book “Safe People” and making an inventory of how you are unsafe. This inventory may help you reorganize your life so you don’t find yourself in the same situation again.
In stories and in life, pain is our friend. It’s an unwelcome friend, but a friend nonetheless. The good news is if we make friends with our pain, it won’t stay long and it will leave us with a gift. But if we avoid pain, it will chase us down until we finally accept the gift it has to offer.
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Pr 27:6)
Yeah… Sometimes I watch shows or read stories and I just want everything to stay happy-go-lucky like it usually is in the beginning. But that doesn’t make for a very good story, and I think God knows that.
Thanks Don, I needed to hear this today. I have a habit of trying to put band-aids on my pain instead of searching for the cause of it.
Great post, don. I’d say that this idea of learning, growing, and being stretched, for our own good, is part of the potter/clay analogy used several times in Scripture. We are described as clay (the wet stuff) more often than we are described as finished pots, simply because He is still shaping us. It’s uncomfortable to be shaped by Him, but when we see that the discomfort has a purpose, it’s easier to accept.
I had no idea you were going to write this this morning, but the last thing I did before heading to bed last night was wrote a blog post about this very subject.
Great minds and all that
That’s very sound advice that you give. I recently broke up with my long time boyfriend, and although I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a few cocktails necause of it, for the most part I’ve just been trying to deal with the pain. I feel like I’ve gained some perspective on myself, and some persepctive on what I want out of life. I know that’s not a popular choice today. So many people try to distract themselves from their pain, but it’s truly does help you learn and grow.
[...] What to do with Pain [...]
I was so confused about what to buy, but this makes it udnretasndable.
As human beings, we are all subject to pain. God allows it in our lives to build us up. But if we don’t rely on Him to shoulder that burden for us, we’ll never get past it. The more we rely on His healing ability, the quicker we heal and gain perspective. He wants to promote us spiritually, and how we respond to the pain is directly related to when we receive that promotion.
C.S. Lewis nailed it in “the Problem of Pain”. It’s true. We hate pain, but that’s what makes us better, stronger (not to quote Kanye/Daft Punk). There’s a Thrice lyric that says “every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart”. We can use our own pain to reach and help others through theirs and that is beautiful.
We are truely “Wounded Healers”
Now you can’t reference CS Lewis without listing his most well known quote on the topic!
“But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
Thanks, Don. I’m twenty two and I’ve spent most of my life refusing to accept the pain and hurt in my life. You said exactly what I needed to hear. I fooled everyone else and sometimes even myself into thinking that I have everything under control. I despise my pain, but I will face it. Thanks!
Don,
After receiving very tough news late last night, news that I realized I was partly responsible for causing, and that after a day of intense stress emotionally at work, I opened your blog to find this.
God’s timing is never accidental – thank you for the insight and wisdom to embrace the pain my wife and I are going through this morning.
Love you,
Sean
Don,
Glad you wrote this. A simple concept that SO many of us miss. Dealing with pain.. rather then running from it.
Don,
Great words of encouragement for anyone going through difficult times. It reminded me of when I heard Francis Chan speak about how we ask God to help us grow in our faith, but as soon as he places us in a spot where we face difficulties we plead with Him to remove us from them. Like you stated it is often in the painful/difficult times that our faith truly grows. Thanks for your blog I really enjoy reading it.
Check out my blog
http://thoughtsonfaithlife.blogspot.com
~Jason
I like what you have put down here about pain. A couple of years ago I came to the same understanding myself, that nothing in life improves, gets better, changes for the good without struggle, effort, pain. I can only think of one thing that truly comes for free, and that is God’s indescribable love for his creation. One thing I am not sure of is the value of pain that we know ahead of time we are going to experience and then put ourselves through it intentionally. Does it have as much value? Does it do as much good? I don’t how I can be more clear without saying what specifically it is to which I refer so I will, but it’s not something I talk about much because I don’t ever want it to appear that I am propping myself up. I do triathlons. Not just little ones. Mostly Ironman distance and Half Ironman (70.3) distance. It is something that makes me feel more close to the center of who I am than anything else, and I’m not sure why. I’ve wondered if it is the suffering side of t. Does that suffering somehow heal me and center me even in ways that I do not quite yet have a grasp on? Which leads me back around to the question, is there just some sort of generic value in the suffering? Is is a good idea to just put yourself through some sort of regular suffering just for the value of it? We live in a culture that tells us and is designed to deliver us freedom from suffering and along with that we see epidemic increases in obesity and depression and divorce and consumerism. Maybe we need more suffering to cure the diseases of wealth.
i think there’s a lot of truth in this. I’ve never run more than a few miles but i know there have been times even over these short distances when its been a hugely spiritual experience – a way of expressing pain to God and learning in a little way about reward and courage and willpower. There’s a confidence that comes from knowing that you have achieved a goal, however small, or that you’ve kept going when it hurt, for however short a time, or that you’ve seen an improvement however marginal. It is good to know that such things are possible in life and in oneself. And then there’s the joy and the release derived from just doing something physical in a world that increasingly emphasises information over action.
I also think that human beings are designed to take on challenges and that when there is nothing challenging, when there’s no aim or task to apply one’s energy and enthusiasm to, then life can lose its flavour very quickly, so running or getting fit or training for an event can be useful in that regard. Its a balance though – there have been times when i’ve been running and felt like God said(?!) stop – just stop. Don’t make completing this task your idol, or the measure of your value. Are you prepared to give up for me? And i fought that a lot, because i wanted to ‘succeed’ and ‘achieve’ and feel like i wasn’t weak, and sometimes in life its good to admit that we are weak and we are struggling, and sometimes its good – and it takes more courage – to give up; there’s at least one time in my life i’ve experienced reasonably severe depression because for far too long i didn’t admit that i was weak and i was struggling and that i should stop some of the work i was doing. But my little runs kinda taught me a bit about that, so they’ve been a blessing to me. Its amazing what you can learn when you just do stuff occasionally rather than sitting around theorising the whole time.
Exactly what I needed today Don. Thanks.
Thank you for this post…. God has been speaking to me in these past few weeks about accepting difficulty and waiting to learn from hard circumstances and pain. He has been teaching me to wait for Him and the work that He has to do. I especially appreciate your statement about how characters never change unless they are in times of crisis. I am slowly starting to learn to embrace the hardships that come into my life and to ask God to teach me more about my life and faith through them.
I am a big fan of your writing, Don! Your blog has been such a blessing for me over this past summer… thank you for your perspective.
You’ve been meditating on my journals again?
Pain, sickness and loss. They are some of the best friends we have. THAT truth and that perspective are what have kept me sane, cheerful in an adult life of tragic turns, and broken people. I am still the beneficiary of a terrible, tragic attack my 7th grade year. I still rely on skills today I learned when my dad left our home the week I turned 15. I had to take a job servicing cars and pumping gas 50 hrs. a week …all thru high school even playing some sports while schooling and working 50 hrs. a week. I know…do the math… how? It was a miserable situation.
Those experiences and those pages of my life become valuable to a child or young adult who is living in a stormy mess, when we get to talk. It’s like I have a Tragic Badge of Honor on my shirt. I always leaving thanking God I could relate with that child, that person so poor in spirit. I drive off and put my hand on the shoulder of pain and thank them for there tender teachings.
True story. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and wasted months thinking about how unfortunate I was and being upset. Once I realized the Lord saw some things in me that needed to be changed, He enabled me to thank him for the pain and to grow. I am not the same person.
Practical wisdom, Don. C. S Lewis also says in the Problem of Pain: “Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or ses that our remaking is now hopeless.” God keeps working with me, and I am grateful He will never give up on me.
Don love the line of thinking in this post especially correlation of pain and gaining perspective.
For me in my two-year cancer journey, amidst the pain and uncertainty, I have found purpose by sharing life lessons as they are learned and my desire to leverage them through the lens of faith.
Ultimately for me in the pain I hope I’m leveraging life better now than before and as a result finishing well thanks to it!
~Tom
trusting God period!
What if the pain is not self-induced? I’ve has a migraine non-stop for 3 1/2 years. I acknowledge the pain (it’s hard not to!) but am not sure how to deal with it any further than that. Thoughts?
Not to throw a book at you, but C.S. Lewis’s The Problem of Pain is excellent. He speaks to both the pain we cause and the pain brought on us through no fault of our own. It’s a short book, a great read. I’m sorry about your migraine(s).
Thanks Jamie. I’ll definitely check that out!
That sucks Jenn. I’m sorry you are living with that.
Chronic pain is so hard to deal with …
Chronic pain is in some ways a greater challenge than other varieties of pain. I’ve been dealing with neurogenic pain since receiving a spinal cord injury that almost left me a quadriplegic. It’s been over nine months now, and I’m still struggling to accept it and work through it. I pray a lot. Try to focus on conversations. Grit my teeth. Concentrate on an activity that takes my mind off the pain. But its tough. Of the books out there that deal with pain in an honest way I have liked Joni Eareckson Tada’s “A Lifetime of Memories”. She knows pain and suffering! Yet, has been able to give so much to the world in spite of it. Some amazing, honest, biblical insights from a person who has lived 40 years with a level of pain and disability that most will never experience.
Pain sometimes is the only teacher. Cancer blindsided me in 2009. Few people will ever understand that pain. I hear people (including Lance Armstrong) say, “I wouldn’t trade that experience …” when they talk about cancer. I don’t know.
Yes, every character turns on their pain – they either grow or shrink. All the great characters in literature do. Dickens was great because his characters (Copperfield, Pip) rose above their pain.
I’m still alive and healthy two years after my diagnosis. Andy Whifield was not as “lucky.” We both have the same type of cancer.
My pain has made be better. Yes, Don, you can’t avoid it. It will chase you down. When it does, your response to it is everything. http://www.fivestonefight.com.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I appreciated reading it because it’s not very often that I come to terms with pain even though it seems to visit regularly.
Sarah, your honesty is beautiful. Thank you. God bless you.
I always say that the quickest path to heaven is straight thru the fires of hell. Our pain purifies us and makes us stronger. Our body is our Guide. We were not created to live in pain. So our “work” is to listen and respond…and if that doesn’t work, I’d just go back to drinking…
I used to think that when circumstances were difficult that I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. That I probably heard God wrongly. It was quite the load off when I learned that circumstance isn’t always a direct result of my actions. As if I could ever be that powerful. I can only do my best–praying listening working–and trust God to do the rest. In looking at our best example, the One who did everything right still was rejected, insulted, and murdered. I take my comitment to Christ much more seriously now that I know this. I’m not guaranteed a life of safety and pleasure. Only an afterlife of glory.
Amen.
You have to walk through it, and then just keep walking the next day.
At the beginning of each school year, we begin talking about FAITH. We walk through Hebrews 11 and 12 and read the stories. We highlight all of the verbs, we talk about all of the obstacles. We break down what it takes to train for a race and we talk about professional athletes and marathon runners, and the difficulties they must persevere through, yet how they stay focused on an end reward/goal.
We then overlay that onto our faith…our walk with the Lord.
It’s a wonderful way to begin every year, because the biggest life lesson to me has been PERSEVERANCE.
Life will take it. Faith will take it. And the only way to get there is to keep on walking through whatever is before you.
Trust God and Keep Walking.
God’s goodness surpasses all…so even amidst tragedy and pain, lean into God, and miraculously, His goodness reigns over and through all of it.
(Now you know why I have become a regular half-marathoner…it’s a great way to cement this idea in my soul and my heart. Just keep going. Persevere.)
Well said. Pain is also an invitation to come to the Father and allow His spirit to bring us comfort, peace, and perspective.
In losing my mother, 3 years ago, the pain tends to come in cycles. Each one a little different than the one before. I allow myself to go through each one, knowing that it is necessary. I don’t disconnect myself from the world around me, but I’m honest about it when it comes. I go through it, as hard as it can be, having one hand reaching up and the other reaching out.
Thanks Don. I’m looking forward to the next book. Until that time, the blogs are very helpful–and will continue to be.
Liz : )
And while on the idea of sitting in pain, I think it allows us to grow relationships with our loved ones. Or if there is pain between two people then it can cause you to practice loving your enemy. But much agreed. Pain is your friend. So when we accept it, gain perspective, and take inventory then we will see a brighter day.
Don, you are one of my favorite authors. Really, I love your perspective… but I’m wondering about how you crafted this entry. I’m questioning the writing craft itself, not the content.
Why did you numerically list the information?
I think you are a fabulous author, and I’m just wondering why you’ve opted to go the way of most other blogs that tell you how to improve your life with a list?
Was it the best way to convey information?
I appreciate your heart, your honesty, and your fabulous perspective on the Truth. This doesn’t seem like you. I’m kind of confused.
I think when we allow our pain to become someone else’s gain , we are truly giving back what has been given to us. Pain at times sets us back no doubt, but during those set backs,( at least for me) we have to fully deep deeper into our inner soul and find out who we truly are. It can either break us or make us more into the image of Christ. I choose to hang on to what has made me whole and loose what ever it takes for me to be the person that God has created me to be.
I remember a time being in my room, sitting on my bedroom floor, with my knees to my chest crying out to God to change someone. I was begging, please God, please change her. It was during sometime after when I quiet my soul that I felt the Holy spirit speaking to me, saying, maybe it is you who who need to change. That was life changing for me.
I been listen to a song and watching a video by Lincoln Brewster called the Power of your Name . If you go to youtube you will find a video by him and Darlene Zashech. The song is about social injustice. To see people take a stand in the local church to do more.
Lincoln talks about life and every life God has made has significant value and God has a plan for each and every person that he has created. He believes if you have the heart of God( and so do I ) we have a heart to reach out and make a difference and that every person would have an opportunity to have a good life on this planet. It is a song he hopes would motivate us, to challenge us to do something outside the four walls of the church and outside of our comfort zone to actually make a difference.
Lets make a decision to live our daily actions to the better of humanity! To look at every face and see their pain, to be His hands and feet.. in the power of His name.
i understand and agree with this.i have a challenge as i have been left with severe P.T.S.D. what to do?
Gina, Sorry to hear that. Sometimes we need help from a pro to deal with certain types of pain. You might consider adding a psychologist and/ or a psychologist to whatever team you’re building for self care.
I would only add (from my own experience) to draw near to God when you’re in pain. Cry out to Him. Tell Him what’s going on. He longs to connect with you and this connection is so comforting.
I think we also need to pay attention to the “small” pain that we can dismiss easily… sometimes I think those little hurts can be the most devastating cuz we don’t acknowledge them, we don’t want to be a drama queen or bring anyone else down with us.
a lighthouse embraces the pain caused the gale force winds and pounding sleet of a great nor’easter by sending out beacons of light and warning sounds to ships bobbing among the giant waves.
Thank you for this. My mother just came home from diabetes-related amputation surgery, and we are processing the changes together. This is very encouraging; I will share it with her.
I am sorry if you are navigating the pain landscape right now, too. I remain in prayer for you, your relationships, and the Mentorship Project, and I am VERY excited for the BLJ movie release coming up!
Thank you for all that you do…
I meant the MentorING project – sorry.
Having spent decades medicating the pain from not grieving the loss of a family member, it is absolute truth that only God can heal wounds of the heart.
Any other remedy for pain i tried (workaholism, adultery, alcholism, religionism if that’s a word, etc) just numbed the symptoms but never healed.
“Pain is always an invitation to grow.” I love this line. So true.
Thanks for the post, Don. I had to put my 13 year-old dog to sleep today. I’ve had to put down pets before, but she is the first one I’ve lost while being sober. I can’t run from the pain and grief. If I do, I’ll drink again. I have to allow myself to feel it, process it, and eventually begin to heal. It helps to know that I am not alone, and that God is walking with me every second of the day.
What do u do if the pain keeps coming back? I think I’ve dealt with something, sought God about it and he answered, felt the joy of healing, but then sometimes it just hits me all over again…sometimes it’s an attack from the enemy, sometimes it’s my own weak flesh…I just want it to go away for good…
Donald, I always appreciate your insight into such matters. I would like to impress upon you the need for more attention on human physical suffering and just how difficult it can be to continue believing in a compassionate and merciful God when one is wrought with such immense physical suffering day in and day out. Not enough attention is given to this subject as most dismiss it away saying that Jesus suffered the utmost on the cross. And while I think there is a point to be made in that, or rather some comfort and solidarity to be found within that statement, chronic suffering is something altogether different; a beast if you will. And it’s funny as I write this to you, I am now realizing that maybe I should be shedding some light on this as well as I live with this daily. But I do think it is important not to exclude physical pain from the lists of human pains that can either bring you closer to God or make you an outright atheist.
Agree with you Faith. After receiving from horrific physical injuries in an accident I knew I’d have a tough physical recovery, but I was not prepared for the emotional and spiritual trauma that followed as I lived with chronic pain … it changed my beliefs, my worldview and how I live life.
So true, love the C. S. Lewis quotes. It took the pain of cancer to get thrust me into publishing my first book (Legend of the Mer). ; )
Thank you! Having just lost both my husband and father within two weeks of each other, the blog really spoke to me. Understandably, this pain is the most I have ever faced. And, because it is, I have felt justified in avoiding it all at once. But, I see it somewhat differently now.
Since I am a Christian, I know I have grown through each adverse situation experienced. Each resulted in a stronger person, and stronger faith. At times, my loss seems too overwhelming to imagine this principle. But, I know without a doubt, I will become stronger and even more compassionate. The delay of my facing it isn’t an option, although I am not quite ready to call it ‘friend’… maybe later. :0)
There’s that scripture in Hebrews that always messes with my mind: He (Jesus) learned obedience through the things He suffered. If true for the Son of God, how much more so for us?
This is a subject quite near and dear to my heart. I have wasted much of my still young life trying to run from pain or ignore it, and it is now that I am approaching 30 that I can look back and see the happiest and most growth-filled times in my life so far have been during great struggles and trials. Even the looking back, taking a third person perspective look at my life, is sometimes a painful and somewhat terrifying ordeal.
Also, being someone who suffers from chronic physical and mental pain, I am starting to see daily how I can use it as a great motivator to look for a better source of strength than myself and my often ill thought out coping mechanisms. It’s taken ten years, but I’ve finally come to a place where I can stop hating pain and start trying to use it to my advantage.
Good post!
Thanks for posting this. I’ve been learning this lesson of facing my pain the past few months. I tried to work it out through my blog with “worship and therapy”, but I nearly gave up on that a couple weeks ago.
I’ve been battling depression and maybe I’m on the tail end of this episode, but I don’t know. I remembered today some of those verses “Teach me Lord” and how the only hope is to trust that it is in fact a lesson and not some random event.
Anyway, if anyone cares to read about the struggle or offer a couple words of encouragement, please see the link to my site. (And sorry if this posts twice. I tried it once and apparently it didn’t get through.)
Thanks again!
Sitting here alone in my hotel room at Mayo Clinic, I came upon this for some reason. I learned today that acute pain and chronic pain are different…who knew? I’m always the one to fix everything and many times it is just to avoid the pain. Learning to “be” with my pain has been more difficult than I had ever imagined; definitely a spiritual lesson (I sure hope I’m a quick learner!)
Wow that is some great info Don. Accept it and sit with it, YUK! Eleven addictions later, three to go. I have taken the long route that is for sure. Again this is some great stuff. Thanks
Donald, Donald, Donald…Love you, brother, but think again.
I do believe that pain in God’s people is always purposeful–even long term, excruciating pain. However this entry feels dismissive and pat when compared to the summons many of us receive from God to our experience with Job-type suffering. Trust me, you don’t want this kind of pain.
Just, please don’t trivialize our suffering with a three point plan. It’s not that simple.
Maybe a simple encouragement to endure to the end?
Thank you, Thank you, thank you. I am going through the pain of infertility and it sucks. I am a very positive, easy-going, love life kinda person so my life doesn’t have a lot
of room for pain. Apparently God feels otherwise. I can’t wish way the pain of infertility, nor can I make it better by sheer will. It is-what it is. I desire to me a mother and it alludes me. I’m not bitter, I’m not unhappy but I do feel a real literal pain when I settle on the truth that so far God’s answer has been no. I have said to my husband over and over that I hate pain over the last 2 1/2 years. The minute it seizes my
Heart- I want to shake it off -it hovers, lingers, stings. I thank you for the reminder that God not only has a plan for the trials we face but also for the pain associated with our trials. It’s a reminder I needed today.
So true about fictional characters and indeed, nonfictional ones, only being able to change in crisis, in pain. Some of my most memorable, heartwarming, encouraging moments have come in the midst of pain with other people. I always have a strong temptation to retreat when dealing with pain, but I know there are many people in my life who would love to share in that pain with me. Such a sobering truth and a reminder to reach out.
After losing our home (when I had faith it would turn out so differently), and believing Paul got the job he’s always wanted only to discover he didn’t, I suspected God of not caring, perhaps of even being sadistic. But after a day or two of grieving, my faith felt stronger than ever. It either purifies or burns in the fire. And what’s left is what you’ve got. I can now say I’m thankful for a purer faith. My ideas of what it’s supposed to be and do are less smug and controlling, and more shrewd and weathered. I’m going to dampen the urge to anticipate God’s ways from now on and just try to shut up and listen and work with what I’ve been given.