I received an email last night from a courageous friend named Paul. He’s one of those tough guys but his toughness isn’t covering anything. He’s tough on the outside and tough on the inside, too. What I mean by tough on the outside is he’s actually training to run one-hundred miles in a single go only two weeks from now. No kidding, he’ll run the Chicago marathon as the last quarter of his personal challenge. He’s insane. He’s doing it to help some children he loves. I’ll give you more information below.
And yet, whenever I exchange stories with my friend he’s got more to talk about on the inside journey than he does about his athletic accomplishments. He talks about very hard emotional stuff as though it’s a challenge equal to the physical. Whether it’s addressing a father wound, or addressing his desire to love people more deeply, they’re all challenges, they’re all mountains to climb and he does it with both fear and enthusiasm.
Still, there’s times when it’s hard to be that kind of guy. I think one of the reasons it’s hard is because facing challenges head on is a lonely business. I truly believe most people in the world avoid conflict. We either numb ourselves by getting validation somewhere or numb ourselves by drinking or eating or so many other coping mechanisms.
I reminded my friend in an e-mail this morning that sometimes leading just means being out front, going to the places very few people are willing to go. But the cool thing about leaders is they show the rest of us that the path is scary but ultimately safe.
As I e-mailed him, I thought about the few times I’ve gone through haunted houses with friends. For whatever reason, I sometimes feel like I need to be the guy out front. You know, the guy turning the corners first, feeling the walls, trying to find my way through the maze in the dark. But I assure you, I’m not feeling all that brave up there. I’m feeling terrified, to tell you the truth.
Leading is like that sometimes. You’ve got a gaggle of screaming, giggling friends behind you, afraid of their demons, afraid of addressing their wounds, afraid of getting real about their coping mechanisms, and they’re looking for a shirt to cling to, somebody to bump into when the line suddenly stops because a guy just jumped out of a closet with a chain saw. They’re looking for somebody to scream with and to grab them and keep them from falling down. They’re looking for somebody to move them quickly through the room they’re in into the next room, the one that holds yet another challenge.
To those of you who lead, I’ll tell you what I’m telling myself these days, and it’s the same thing I told my friend.
The trick to leading a group through a haunted house is knowing the scary stuff can’t actually kill you. The management won’t let them.
It’s the same with all the scary stuff we have to deal with, all the fear of abandonment and loneliness and wounds we have to address. They aren’t allowed to kill us. Sure we might feel some fear, and a lot of it. But in the end (even if it kills our earthly bodies) we don’t die. We just come through the other side with a knowledge we faced our fears, and we got out of that haunted house alive, our screaming and giggling friends in tow.
If you’re a leader, just know you’re supposed to be a little afraid. And you’re supposed to be taking some people with you. And nobody can actually kill you in this thing. All they can do is yell boo. Be brave.
* You can read more about my friend Paul Jansen VanRensburg and what three of his friends are doing, and why they’re doing it here. Go Paul, Michael, Hannah and Rusty!
I LOVE this.
Reminder of why you’re my favorite writer, encourager, and life-giver.
“And, nobody can actually kill you in this thing. All they can do it yell, ‘boo’. Be brave.”
Thanks for writing, Donald Miller.
This is a great analogy….thanks for the reminder that fear is ok.
I just wrote a comment and it didn’t post it…how does this keep happening?! Anyhoo, attempt number two! Relationships can seem like haunted houses too. http://www.pickmeupat8.blogspot.com With blah mindsets from media, friends and self, it can easily become a doomsday for the mind. Thanks for the hope.
This post meant a lot to me. Thanks Don.
Don, this post nailed it.
Thanks for giving us permission to be brave.
Thanks Don,
Five minutes ago I was crying my eyes out in fear and frustration. And then I opened up my reader and here you are, telling me exactly what I needed to hear.
Printing this one out.
It’s so wonderful, this kingdom we live in now, where fearful people lead the way through the dark and all the things we thought could never overcome turn out to be silly and toothless. Relief. Gratitude. Joy. Awe. Exhilaration. Words failing. Tears falling. Alleluia.
This resonate with me as a dad. I’m not always without fear, but when I have to protect or lead my family through something dark I’m able to be brave and strong. Their dependence cause me to rise to the occasion.
My heart is now happy. After years and years and YEARS of fear and insecurity and rejection and jealousy and pain, I am finally free of it. Because I looked at them head on. Thank God for the darkness of facing my fears, and the light He has brought on the other side of it. Let me encourage encourage encourage you – face them. It’ll change EVERYTHING.
Oh Don this is beautiful.
Been to a few haunted houses myself. I’m the one on the floor everyone trips over. The guys with the chainsaws Love me. Anyway, Great thought. And I was inspired. Now all I have to do is act on it. Thanks for writing this post.
Thanks, Done. Needed it.
Hi,
Love this but I wish the guy I’m dating would get it. I am his leader and it’s exhausting. He has a lot of baggage that he avoids and uses humor as his defense.
When is it time to throw in the flag? When do you quit leading someone? I have always asked the tough “why” questions that people squirm about and avoid…it’s a lonely place for sure.
Throw in the flag, THROW in the flag, THROW IN THE FLAG!
Oh, did I say that out loud?
If you want someone to be more of a leader, then let them lead or find someone who will lead.
Been there, done that, and it don’t end pretty. Just sayin’.
Not that I’m telling you what to do, but I’m throwing in my anonymous, bold behind the computer screen 2 cents.
Helene, you deserve a man who will lead you. This guy may be great, but you deserve a leader. You don’t want to be exhausted and lonely for the rest of your life. If he won’t lead, someone else will. Wait for that guy.
Helene,
I think in a relationship it does more harm than good to have a view that someone is the “leader” and someone is the “follower”.
I’d suggest stopping the use of that kind of language.
Just my two cents.
A.
Helene, a lot of men have learned that it’s easier to let someone else do something than to do it ourselves.
This isn’t always bad. Part of being a leader is to set up situations that cause people to want to do the right thing rather than forcing them to do it.
But a side effect of that way of thinking is a tendency to let others lead if they want to lead.
I can’t directly answer your question, but it makes me think of this: can you really lead someone who isn’t interested in moving?
It sounds like a tough situation, I wish you well as you figure it out.
Helene, I think you know it’s time to let him go now. As I always say “pull off the band aid quickly” It sounds like you know it needs pulling off but your doing it in a real slow way. Life is to short, quit compromising for him and go find the right guy that will walk hand in hand with you in life.
Wow. How often I let ghosts slay me! This is a great reality check.
This is totally true. People tend to think from time to time that leaders are people who live without fear, and this is just not the case. Thanks for writing
Wow. This is a really amazing analogy. I’ve never been the one to go in first to the haunted house, literally, but now that I’ve been through some pretty scary things myself, I feel like I could, figuratively. That’s why we’re here, right?
Thanks for passing on the info on your friend, and as a side note, I realized that one year ago today I was prepping to go to a conference that changed my life. How’s that as a plug for Storyline? Thanks, Don.
I like your analogy. I do think people lead by simply being the first one and by simply challenging themselves. I love how your friend, by challenging himself physically, is working through his emotional stuff too. The physical is giving him the gumption to face the even more difficult emotional issues.
One comment though, I find it interesting that in this writing, you can be so cavalier when you speak about death. I guess I take issue with your idea that “we don’t die” – well, in fact we do, of course, physically die and no one really knows what comes next.
You want to observe someone with real courage, spend some time with a person with a terminal disease – or better yet, be in the same room with someone who is dying. It is both scary and awesome at the same time. I find that the more directly I face it (death), and face the possibility that death may be the actual end – that idea and realization leads me to a whole new maturity and dimension in my faith journey.
This is the first time I have commented on a blog. I felt compelled to do so because it really spoke to me. I just returned to my home in BC from Ontario, a 2100 mile journey. I was there for 9 days to say goodbye to my dad who is dying from throat cancer. My siblings are nearby him and have the luxury of being there the end comes.
My dad is a believer and lay-preached for years. Bible in one hand. Beer bottle in the other. The cognitive dissonance of such a morality challenged me and my sibs – producing a variety of manifestations. I have faced my demons. Sadly some my sibs have not. I love my dad. I told him this two days ago – in one final embrace…his bony 95lb frame with the bag of morphine slung over his shoulder broke my heart. He said to me, “Life is too short Paula. But I’m looking forward to seeing the other side”.
My dad is a leader. A broken leader. A leader nonetheless. He taught me to face my fears… but sadly some of us in the family believe that facing those demons will kill them… and so as you said in your blog so beautifully:
“I think one of the reasons it’s hard is because facing challenges head on is a lonely business. I truly believe most people in the world avoid conflict. We either numb ourselves by getting validation somewhere or numb ourselves by drinking or eating or so many other coping mechanisms.”
If they only believed and lived out what you wrote:
“The trick to leading a group through a haunted house is knowing the scary stuff can’t actually kill you. The management won’t let them.”
Thanks for the peace that your blog brought me today.
Helene – if your guy isn’t leading you and you have to be the responsible one, its time to move on I think. If you’re sitting here hoping he “gets it,” then you’re dating someone for who they should be, not who they are. I’ve been there, and it wasn’t healthy. Tell him to man up or start looking for someone else who will let him continue to be a boy.
Dear Donald,
I am a poet, and I love your books Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I haven’t had time to read any of the others yet. A Million Miles is better than Blue Like Jazz. I love that you are always improving. Keep going.
What you say here is good, and perfect love casts out fear. Love also keeps no record of wrongs. That’s a hard one to get down, at least for me. But I can just see you out there at the front of the group, going around the corners first with a smile on your face, realizing the adventure never ends; it only starts and stops, deepens and narrows.
When I was sixteen I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My life has been especially difficult at times, though, thank God, I no longer become suicidal, just very anxious now and then. I’d like to know your take on mental illness. I mean I’d like to at least see a glimmer of your own opinion on the subject in a future book if you could make it work.
In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years you describe–quite wonderfully–the first scientist to realize that each snowflake is unique. I just have to wonder–did this man know Robert Frost?
You inspire me.
Sincerely,
Joel
I think a true leader — with humility — will indeed be a little afraid.
Very encouraging Don!! I’ve heard it said that “all fear is a fantasy, in the love of God!”
It’s true that nothing can destroy our spirit, except God, and this is the essence of who we are.
It’s great to be reminded of this when we feel scared and are ‘whistling in the dark,’ since courage isn’t the absence of fear, as you describe, but instead is knowing that we can have confidence in our being ‘ok’ in the end. Our knowing this 4 ourselves, means we may then help instill this confidence in others. Thank you for sharing this! (-:
Ahh, so good! Thank you!
I just started a new phase of my life this month. I have about $20 to my name, loads of debt, family that drains the life out of me, a part time job I know nothing about, long waits for buses to over-analyze my current mental/emotional mindset, and no church family in a strange state. I am right at that part in the haunted house when you want it to be over so that you can leave and have a good night’s sleep, no nightmares; I’m looking for the emergency exit door. It’s good to know that ” in the end (even if it kills our earthly bodies) we don’t die. We just come through the other side with a knowledge we faced our fears, and we got out of that haunted house alive”. Maybe I will even be a leader myself again, complete with screaming, giggling friends in tow.
Reading this reminded me of Psalm 18, which, for me, is one of the most beautiful pictures in all the Bible.
Here’s just a bit…
“For it is you who light my lamp;
the LORD my God lightens my darkness.
29For by you I can run against a troop,
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
30This God—his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.”
But the first 20 or so verses are my absolute favorite.
I didn’t click “here” yet but I’m assuming it is the same group of 4 I voted for this morning for World Vision. But I will go back and check the story found “here”.
Great post.
This post immediately reminded me of my summer youth missions camp job where I was blessed to be under the leadership of an awesome man of God. I’ve often wondered if I could do the same great job he did this summer, and quite often I’ve determined no; I’d be too afraid. But I know for a fact my summer leader was afraid at times, and he still did a fantastic job leading his team. Such a great reminder that leaders are scared people too, and that leaders are brave.
Just the encouragement I needed. I’m taking my place in front going through the haunted house (again). But it’s been a while. Had to take a break for a season, and I wasn’t sure if I had the stomach to have the daylights scared out of me again (it won’t kill me, yes… but in that flash of a gut moment, I think it will). It’s vulnerable, but just hearing someone else feels the same way just made me feel all better. Thanks, Don.
As a high school youth pastor this blog hit home. I feel like half my job is bringing students through their crap. It’s especially tough when the culture of the type of church I work in tries to hide (or deny) that there ARE problems. It’s freeing knowing we all have problems and that we all have Someone walking with us. Thanks for writing this.
I would say this applies to parents as well. I don’t remember my parents seeming afraid or overwhelmed, but I sure feel it on the inside as a mom! Thanks for the post-beautifully written, as usual.
I once heard someone say “You don’t have to be brave to feel unafraid”. Thanks for reminding us to take courage!
When I read the title, I thought the blog was going to be a comment re: the methods of leadership currently being employed by “leaders” in Washington!
Thanks for the encouraging words Don!
Fabulous article. I love leadership articles and team work articles. Great stuff.
[...] I’m reposting a great post from Donald Miller, posted on his website here. [...]
[...] Leaders Lead People Through Fear by Donald Miller – “The trick to leading a group through a haunted house is knowing the scary stuff can’t actually kill you. The management won’t let them. It’s the same with all the scary stuff we have to deal with, all the fear of abandonment and loneliness and wounds we have to address. They aren’t allowed to kill us. Sure we might feel some fear, and a lot of it. But in the end (even if it kills our earthly bodies) we don’t die.” something that’s been on my mind a lot. Also, the question of what would my life look like if I took God seriously when He tells me “DO NOT BE AFRAID?” [...]
This advice is beautiful, and so real. I love you man. This is exactly what I needed to hear.
I might add that if something does actually have the power to kill us, it’s still ok to lead others in that direction. We have to be willing to die for something. We should pass that on as well.
thanks for posting what we are all going through… at least the brave ones… you know the ones who will admit they are tired of going over the same issues, over and over and over again…tears aren’t a sign of weakness… just a sign that you’ve been strong for too long….maybe being strong is really a compensatory skill, what if we finally admited that it’s hard to always be the strong one, and just drop to our knees and crawl through the haunted house, that maybe on our knees the props will show up for who they really are… just props holding up the fake giant that like the wizard of oz, is just a person faking their way through too…please keep talking about the journey…it’s hard, and it might not get any easier!
Thanks Don. As a youth leader in an older church trying to make some changes, this is a gerat reminder. My own doubts and fears and insecurities are the same as those of the people that I lead. I will be a shirt to hold on to in the haunted house of change!
Great thoughts. Who was it that said
“Courage is not the absence of fear. It is being afraid and pressing on in spite of it.”?
“The management won’t let them.” Brilliant, and true. Thanks for the reminder!
Very well said!!!
Very beautiful! Thank you!
Thank you for this. As a leader, I have found myself wrestling with fear – fear of failing, fear of not measuring up, fear that I don’t have what it takes to push my ministry forward. But that’s ok, as long as I am out front facing that fear and bring those behing me with me.
Great post.
“Well, it ought to be easy, ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
You’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above
If you want to ride on down,
Down into this Tunnel of Love…”
–Bruce Springsteen, Tunnel of Love
Really glad for ‘the’ in the title, since too many ‘lead’ by playing on fear rather than pouring strength into people bewlidered by various concerns. Thanks for good words to leaders about the opportunity to encourage instead.
Thanks Don, this may have very well helped me get through this day.
Don, you will never know how much this helped me get through the day today. Thank you!
Thanks so much for this post. I’m in a haunted house of my own right now with my 21 year-old daughter deep in the Brazilian Amazon jungle and she’s sick right now. I can’t go help her. It’s agonizing. And, I just lost my mother 6 months ago.
[...] weak. but, that’s not exactly what I want to discuss tonight. (if it suits your fancy, click here for a better read than I’ll be able to provide [...]
Thank you, Don, for validating my leadership style. Some people, including a previous boss, have called me crazy. And maybe that is what it takes, a little bit of apparent illogic to face fears and do whatever is required of us to bring others closer to God.