Penny Carothers is a mom and the Social Justice Editor at the Burnside Writers Collective. You can find her on Twitter, her blog, or more often, on the floor playing with legos. You may also remember her as Penny from Blue Like Jazz, except she’s even more awesome in person.
I guess I’m not postmodern enough to have read the Desert Mothers, but once upon a time I was into the mystics. Years ago, when reading about Juliann of Norwich, I had an intense desire to, like her, have a room built around me – which I could never leave – so I could devote myself to the meditative life. (Ha! Excuse me while I laugh myself silly.) That life – and sometimes it seems my whole goll-darn spiritual life – is ancient history. ‘Cuz I have kids now.
I’ve got two, which means I can’t spend days in a cave or hours on my knees. Something about the mental and physical exhaustion of child-rearing makes even the leanest spiritual practice a near impossibility. The proffered solutions are laughable, even ridiculous. Get up earlier to read the Bible. Seriously? Is that a joke? Find space in the small moments of each day? I might feel guilty about it sometimes, but I’d rather wrangle some control over my house and my self lest I turn into the baby food-wearing, greasy-haired, haggard mommy I am but a few small steps ahead of becoming.
I often think there must be something wrong with me, because drinking coffee and brushing my teeth usually takes precedent over reading the Bible. I berate myself, saying that if I really cared about my spiritual life I would make the necessary sacrifices. I had almost convinced myself of this when a friend suggested Bonnie Miller-McLemore’s book, In the Midst of Chaos: Caring for Children as Spiritual Practice. Miller-McLemore* rejects the notion you must say goodbye to a vibrant spiritual life when you become a parent. She challenges us to get rid of the belief that the sacred is found only in certain rituals, practices, and places, noting that Protestants have forgotten about the sanctification of the ordinary.
In perhaps my favorite paragraph in the book, Miller-McLemore quotes medievalist scholar Elizabeth Dreyer. Parenting, Dreyer says, “is the ‘ascetic opportunity’ par excellence….A full night’s sleep, time to oneself, the freedom to come and go as one pleases – all this must be given up.” The sacrifice of parenting is a no-brainer, but I have to admit: it leaves me feeling a little defeated. This whiney, poopy, chaotic quotidian life is the field in which our spirituality grows and matures? There’s not some glorious mountaintop waiting for me?
I’ve always elevated the lives of others above my own spiritual aspirations (especially people like Thomas Merton and Juliann of Norwich, and really, anybody who seems to have a rule of life that brings the spiritual into the everyday). This mistaken belief parallels my long-held view that spirituality has to look a certain way to be legit. Being the good girl that I am, I want to do it right: have daily quiet time, read the Bible every day, and (at least try to) pray without ceasing.
But Miller-McLemore has got me thinking: what if there really is a different way? What if God intended the hug of a child to mirror the numinous moment others achieve through meditation? What if attending to the needs and the play of children – really attending, not reading the news on my phone or folding laundry while I listen with half an ear – was a window into the spiritual? What if all I really needed to do was simply be present? After all, God calls himself a lover and a parent, and perhaps there is something to learn in embracing my life rather than trying to escape it so I can have real communion with God.
It’s still a little shocking, but perhaps the most spiritual thing I can do may be to embrace my life as a mother. Not a spiritual, metaphorical mother, but a snot-wiping, baby-chasing, diaper bag-toting mother. Because sometimes it’s not the bible stories or the lectio divina, but the Help! and thank you that a relationship is built on.
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*I know she’s a feminist and all, but that combination of names really is a mouthful.
love this! I am a Momma by adoption…2 kiddos. Most clarifying, sweet, empowering spiritual action of my heart and life. ‘I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I get where you’re coming from. My girls are 8, 6, and 13 months. There’s no such thing as quiet time. I have plenty of friends who just get up hours earlier to find it. For the sake of my family, I take the sleep. I’m not nearly as delightful when sleepy. Meanwhile, I cannot tell you the number of moments I’ve had with my kids, where my spiritual ears have perked up, the lightbulb has gone on, and I’ve learned something about the heart of God through parenting.
I, too, learned more about God when I became a parent than ever before! Love is of God; blessings on you as you share His love with your children.
The Celts had a prayer for every task…washing up, lighting the fire, dousing the fire, and I would bet the Celtic mothers’ lists would include all if the above. I’m practically ancient but I remember the baby days and beyond. And recall struggling to find the time described here. Empty nest and my husband’s early death coincided. Then I did rise at five to meditate and write before work because writing is how I sort my inner space. This was my link to sanity. Now, a newlywed at sixty with, between us, five progeny OUT OF COLLEGE, I can state unequivocally that my “everydays” are where I encounter Christ. And where a personal, vital relationship with my creator takes root. I remember the first night after a numbing series of losses that I sat down on the sofa and said, out loud in the southern vernacular of my grandmother, “Jesus, could you just come sit a spell?” I wish I had done this earlier, as in, “Jesus, would you just stand here while I change this diaper?” My calling isn’t separate from my spiritual journey. And, if this helps, I’ve learned that God can do quite a lot with the paltry little I offer. A few years ago the front wall of my home collapsed in a storm. I was inside, alone, at three in the morning. As I headed up the drive, the firemen yelling to get up fast, a verse that I had memorized in fifth grade Sunday School came to me. “Your word I have hid in my heart…” Couldn’t remember anything else. Not a lick. But in that moment quantity didn’t count nor in all the moments since. Babies grow up fast. They won’t remember if you excelled in exegesis but they will recall that you held them and went to ball games. Fed, clothed, and, yes, corrected them. They will survive memories of hectic Sunday morning rides to church that felt anything but holy. (I have actually finished hemming an Easter dress between my house and the church. And discovered that I wasn’t alone.) And the demands on your time will evolve. But probably not anytime soon so hold on to these thoughts. I love the “Help!” and “Thank You!” foundation. Thank you for stirring my memories…integrating what has gone before makes this age richer.
I love these images and reflections. Thank you, Celeste, for bringing real life so vibrantly to the page.
Wow, Celeste, I started tearing up when you said, “Jesus, would you just stand here while I change this diaper?” I have 4 kids, in 5 years, and I feel that way, CONSTANTLY. My days are filled with, “I’m sorry’s” because of all the yelling and then then conviction that follows. Thank you, Penny, for writing this! There is nothing better than GRACE and this is what I felt when reading both Yours, Penny, and your comment, Celeste!
Thank you so much for your comment, Celeste. Reality needs to be written like this more often (with a nod to the divine & the profound in every day life).
I am pregnant with my first child and it encourages me greatly to read your words!
I am so glad to hear you have had the opportunity to read this now. My kids are 5 & 7… I don’t think I have completely ruined them (yet) but I sure to do wish I had read this & the idea presented in this article back when I was starting our family. I know I/We’ve done our best, but it would have been so helpful.
May you be graced with remembering these things (at least MOST of the time). [smile]
Happy November!
This was so beautifully put, Celeste. I, too, am in the autumn of my life and have four “kids” in their mid-twenties. l’ve often wondered if I could have done more, or done it more spiritually. I was entirely there for my kids, and found myself thanking God for keeping the lights green as I madly drove to the recitals, or the emergency room. Praying in the middle of the night while my depressed college-age child suffered extreme betrayal and loneliness. Thanking God for meat that thawed on time, phone calls that came before disappointment could strike, just all of the “stuff” that makes up real life. I felt all along that He was integral to the minutes and seconds that made up our days, and tried to convey that to my kids, in plain-spoken and realistic ways. They’ve all grown up with that kind of upbringing, and I know it’s ingrained in their psyches. But as young adults, they’ve relegated God to the back burner….all four of them. I get glimpses that they still value their upbringing, but I don’t see it in their everyday life. But my feeling is: I feel like I’ve done what God expected of me as a mom and a believer. The coals are there, waiting to be stoked, and someone other than me…someone God has chosen for each of my kids….will be able to rekindle that fire. And I feel that this will be a more meaningful commitment for each of my wonderful young adult children, since it will come from a place of individual choice, independent of their dad and me. I look forward to that day, and to seeing how God makes it all come together for each of them. I have faith that He will, in the perfect timing for each of my creative, stubborn, independent and totally lovely kids. Thank you both, Celeste and Penny, for this thread of thought. It’s been a pleasure to share.
Thank you for sharing these words…I believe this is the way God will work in lives of my five children. Their ages range from 12 down to 2 and sometimes my only spoken prayer is when my 8 yr old says at night “hug, kiss, prayer!”. This is our bedtime routine and she reminds me each night. Many times I feel exhausted after the dinner rush, helping with homework, baths..or frustrated when a child isn’t cooperating, or times when they all “need” me at the same time while my husband works late or travels for business. I must set that aside, allow God to melt those feelings away, as we have our bedtime hug, kiss and prayer. I believe each Mom needs to have a “seasoned” Mom in her life and someday also become the seasoned Mom for another. The encouragement and perspective is such a blessing. Thank you for sharing!
In my opinion, this is what the internet can do, at its best: encourage us by bringing people together who never would have had the chance. I am grateful to all of you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing some of your story. It’s very encouraging! Someone who has lived through raising kids and having a family who is willing to be honest and share their thoughts about it is rare these days. I know must young people are always saying they hate people telling them what to do and how to raise their kids and I think that has discouraged older women in sharing their own stories so as not to sound demeaning or bossy. I really would love if more women did though! I am the mother of a six month old who is just starting the pull herself up and get into everything! Can’t look away for a second which leaves little time for other stuff. I am encouraged by your words thank you!
I love Donald Miller!! and have for a long time. I am enjoying the diversity of his blog these days and the guest writers! It’s like his books are coming to life with people he wrote about now guest posting on his blog. I love it!
That was so beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear today. You solidified exactly what God has been moving me towards. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom – it brought tears to my eyes and freedom to my heart!
I’m so glad! I can only say, I’m so glad that God could connect our stories. It is meaningful for me to know that what I am being taught will resonate with others. That is, indeed, a miraculous gift. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Celeste~ With tears in my eyes & on my cheeks I thank you for sharing your story here.
What’s up with all this parenting stuff? On this blog? Weird.
@Jaime: That’s my fault. I had Penny’s post all ready to go, and only after it went up did I realize our first two guest posts were about parenting. We’ll depart from that next week!
Cool. Thanks for the response.
Nothing wrong with the parenting stuff! Many of us readers of this blog are parents and can learn from the wisdom of others on this topic. Loved the post – thanks Penny!
This is great. My wife and I have a 13 month old son and he is a handful! She is often left drained of all energy because he never seems to be. It is amazing to me how her spiritual life thrives even when most of her time is devoted to taking care of our son and not delving into the depths of Scripture or deep meditative prayer. She connects in a completely different way. Now don’t get me wrong my son still takes a nap during the day and she does spend some time in the Bible. We also do a devo every night together. But my point is that she does not spend hours doing that and that is really ok. It is more than ok, it’s amazing! She connects with God through the love of our son. It is a mystery to me but I love watching it happen.
Penny, this is wonderfully and absolutely true. I’m glad to accept the example and teachings from the Desert Mothers. It is amazing to me that, at that time, the notion of a mother’s ascetic discipline being the raising of her children was the norm. Thankfully, we are reclaiming and re-embracing this altar to worship at. It is given to us as great grace.
Hi. I just wanted to say thank you so much for putting into clear and readable words what I have been thinking (but not getting round to writing) about so much lately. With good wishes, Anthony Wilson
Glad to hear it.
I’d love to read your thoughts, though, when you get around to it!
My kids are 6 and 9 now, both in school. There is no doubt kids make it more challenging to be with God in the more traditional sense that we cherished before they came into our world. I totally love that you have brought to light the idea that being with our children and enjoying them is also a way to be with God. I love that God is always bigger than what we expect him to be, and each stage of life we get to know Him in new ways. I do have to say that now that my kids are in school and I can just sit in a still quiet place with God every day it is really so very nice. Thanks for taking the guilt out of the equation for moms with kids. We so need to hear that, but man I love the still and quiet times with God that I get now, I really missed it. I think the real issue is guilt verses loving God. Just love God in whatever ways you can at each stage of life. I think God just blesses our hearts desire whether we connect with Him through our children or in a quiet place. It isn’t how we do it, but that we long to do it. Thanks Penny!
Kim, I think that’s so true! I have a 4 year old and a 10-month old, and this is where I’ve come to, for now. I just can’t look at my kids and say – you’re getting in the way of my life with God, because God gave them to me as a gift. It’s something I had to learn, though. I love your thought that, “It isn’t how we do it, but that we long to do it.” So true. Thank you for commenting.
this is exactly what I needed to hear. i struggle with this guilt so very often. thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this post. Unlike the other person who commented above, I hardly ever see anything posted about being a parent. I’m a working mom and currently struggling with finding time for God. This is the third post I’ve seen about parenting today and from different bloger so maybe God is trying to tell me something.
Thank you for this! Our church’s mom’s group happens to be reading Donald’s Million Miles right now and this post fits perfectly with many conversations that we have had in group in the past! This has been a reminder to look for God in all I do each day and release the guilt of not having someone else’s definition of a spiritual life but one that I define myself with God.
My biggest fear just might be being a parent someday, and being “that mom” – the haggard, sweaty-haired you’re afraid of being, Penny. Your post definitely has a peaceful perspective that calms my inner mom-phob. Thank you so much for sharing.
this is beautiful. i have two kids – 2 and 3 – and often feel guilty about what i don’t have time for, as far as spiritual practices. i think too often we forget about the sanctification of the ordinary and think that we have to have these really deep, intimate moments behind closed doors for it to count as spiritual growth. and while i look forward to the day that i have the time and energy to have those moments, it’s encouraging to remember that wiping butts, kissing skinned knees, snuggling on the couch, and really listening to my 3-year-old as she talks for hours is a spiritual discipline and is what i am called to be doing at this point. so thanks for the reminder.
I have to say, that as a kid-less wife… this post hit the spot! I think there is something that ALL of us can learn from this: There is nothing we can do to make Christ love us more or less! Our rituals don’t bring us closer, only Christ’s unconditional love.
Penny, thank you so much for sharing this. As a grad student & a new wife, I’ve found it so hard to keep up with Christian rituals outside of just attending church & saying quick on the go prayers… and I’ve recently felt so guilty for not “doing enough.” So thank you for encouraging us to see God’s goodness in the everyday and to strive to still pursue communion with him.
Penny,
First of all, reading about you in Blue Like Jazz always brings tears. I’m always amazed how Jesus reaches out to us.
Second, I very much appreciate your thoughts on parenting and spiritual disciplines. Something that has helped me is what John Piper said, that the fact that we want Jesus indicates that He is very much alive in us! Only the Holy Spirit can create that desire in a human heart. So in the midst of all this little-children-raising season of life, keep the “helps” and “thank you’s” going.
Loving others, in any form, is sacred.
Scrubbing apple sauce out of the sink and listening to a sermon by Rob Bell, I was liberated from my perspective that mundane childcare is actually a sacred task. My heart was open and a ray of light shown into the lie I was telling myself.
Thank you for telling us the truth!
Thanks Penny. You’re so right as demonstrated by the fact that as I was trying to have a few minutes of “quiet time” and read your post, my 4 children have walked into my room- “Mom, Josiah punched me down there & it hurts”, “He punched me first”, “Mom where did you put my snow pants?”, “Mommy, can we use your Darth Maul mask for our snowman?”, “Mommy, can I watch Aladdin?”, “Mommy, I can’t get the DVD to work.”- NO lie. Within 5 minutes. Seems like just yesterday I was changing their diapers & pushing them in the stroller. Very soon I will have more “quiet time” than I care to have. I’ll take whatever blessed chaos comes my way right now and savor it.
oh, this makes me so happy. thank you for the chance to laugh, and to remember to just be present to whatever God brings our way. Your kids are lucky to have you!
I’m a mom of 3 under 5. I just finished reading The Irresistible Revolution which left me feeling helpless and deflated. Such great, inspiring, spiritual, miraculous world changing things took place in that book, all of which would be impossible to achieve as a parent. I chalked myself up to one of the dreaded apathetic and called it a day.
It is so refreshing to be reminded that what I am doing can be equally spiritual, inspiring, miraculous, and world changing… if only I am present to make it that way.
Thank you!
Kelsey
While mine are older now and I do have times I can devote solely to praying, reading and listening, it was those frazzled young mom days that taught me that God is ready, willing and able to reveal Himself wherever I’m willing to look for Him, especially in the faces of my children.
This post is so encouraging, a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Penny,
Thank you for this post. I had to accept that I have become that horrible picture of exhausted motherhood you painted! I had my first son at 39 and my third son at 45. Having children when you are older has its plusses and minusus, but I will tell you this:
My dream of pastoring in a church came true just after my youngest son was born. It was truly like a dream come true — until it turned into a nightmare. I will just say that my spiritual life is much deeper now that I have left that job and have embraced the joy of living each day in Father’s love … looking for signs of his love all around me.
I had to learn that it was not about showing God how much I loved him, but, rather, about being able to receive Father’s love for me moment by moment. And I will say that being a “present” parent will bring you insights into Father that are probably incomprehensible to those without children. And I lived and served fervently before my first child was born….
As I have learned to receive Father’s love in a million little ways in my days, I find he shows me how to love my sons and husband in that same way. It is not a path well taught, that’s for sure!
Be blessed in your journey … there are many companions on the road, if one has eyes to see and ears to hear … and time to read each other’s blogs!
I found this article to be such a relief! As if we don’t face enough guilt just being a mother, add to that the spiritual element, a full time job, ministry and you can feel like burying your head in the sand and giving up. I would like to recommend the book Grace based Parenting. It is an awesome book that teaches you to focus on character building and not sweat the small stuff. BUT what I loved about it most was how it opened my sure to the love and grace that is offered to ME on a daily basis from my heavenly father! Thank you for your words Penny
[...] The Desert Mothers Didn’t Change Diapers. But Maybe They Should Have. [...]
My daughter needs to read this, I could’ve used it 28-30 yrs ago as well. I think you are absolutely right.
The trenches of motherhood are a wild, bewildering place. Thanks for highlighting something I am daily getting more thankful for- being so deeply held and loved that not only is my life carved into His hands, but He’s with there with me, whether or not I can reach out for Him.
For I am firmly convinced that neither sleep deprivation nor dirty diapers, not their whining and fighting nor their precious but disruptive silliness, not their neediness nor my inability to keep up will keep me from the love of Christ.
Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for that little bit of wisdom.
Yep, and thanks. That’s about all I can muster.
This blog is a good read, but the title could use some help.
I’m pretty glad that the desert mothers did not change diapers. If they had, they wouldn’t have been in the desert and able to have the influence they did. That’s not true today, of course, but it was back then.
Finding God in all that one is immersed in is a very keen spiritual practice. Jean-Pierre de Caussade’s “Sacrament of the Present Moment” is a helpful read, as well as the Celts, as another poster has commented.
Enjoy motherhood!
Thanks…yeah, you’re right. I don’t mean to denigrate the desert mothers good work. We all have our place, and theirs was very important. I just couldn’t help myself.
And thanks for that reference to the Celts. I try to do the evening prayer every night from Celtic Daily Prayer (out of Iona), but I usually fall asleep half way through!
Thanks for the thoughts.
I’m pregnant w/my first and find this very encouraging. Thanks for the reframe.
Thank you Penny for reminding us that all of life is sacred, including some of the less glamorous parts of motherhood.
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I am a teacher, wife and a mother of a 5 and 7 year old. I battle the guilt of not keeping up with school work – no good teacher can – and not being “present” enough in the lives of my own children. Throw in sacrificing comtemplative time with the Lord to eat breakfast with my children or to shave my legs or to write the mortgage check, etc. Guilt, guilt, guilt and thoughts of “I’ll never be enough.” Exactly. I’ll never be enough – He is.
This post made me see that 1- I’m not the only one, 2- That this time with my children will pass as quickly as the diaper and baby food days, so I need to be taking lots of mental pictures, and 3- God knows, He cares, and He isn’t keeping score.
For immediately follow-up: I need to be present when and where I am, not constantly thinking of the other things I “need” to be doing.
Yay! Thanks!
I love this! I agree that the “sacred” is much more all-encompassing than Bible reading, prayer, going to church. You have really great timing as I am about to enter into motherhood myself- I’m due to have a baby in about a week! Thank you so much for sharing this.
Absolutely. And if anyone wants to read further on parenting as a sanctifying and spiritual process, even in the midst of crumbs and chaos, check out Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas.
“Excuse me while I laugh myself silly” — could be said about so many things I thought/believed when I was younger
. Laughing with you!
Thank you for your honesty about the realities of motherhood. As the mother of a 3-year-old daughter and an 18-month-old son, I definitely relate to not only the challenge of finding quiet spaces (and sleep), but also the struggle to muster the will and concentration to meditate, read scripture, or pray when I do find pockets of time, rather than vegging in front of a computer or television screen. I especially appreciate your words: “I might feel guilty about it sometimes, but I’d rather wrangle some control over my house and my self. . .”
I so often focus on the daily emptying of self that parenting requires – or the squeezing out of self, as I often experience it – that I miss the more cumulative changes that have welled up in my life. This morning, though, I’m struck by these gradual changes, by how differently I receive and offer love now.
I am blessed with wonderful parents and thought that, through their example, I could fathom God’s love for me as a parent. For most of my life, however, I thought of God’s love as a divine parent mostly from the vantage point of discipline and teaching. Yet, as I love my children – fiercely, thoroughly, and imperfectly – I found a new experiential metaphor for God’s love. I found that discipline and teaching were part of love for my children, not the other way around. My parent-love was more passionate and primal than I had ever imagined God’s love for me to be. I also realize how little my love for my children depends on their actions (even though my frustration may be piqued by them) and how much it depends on the fact that they are my children (whether through biology or spirit). I say “my child” in an embracing way because parenthood has also personalized my love for children and my pain at the suffering of any child.
As I have grown to understand that I am only a moon reflecting parent love weakly, I have grown in my awe and my experience of the source of all maternal and paternal love. And the source of all love for parents (thank God!).
These days, I’m less rigid. Less organized. Less focused. I’m less secure (more aware of my own and my children’s vulnerability). I’m less on top of things – spiritually, mentally, professionally. I’m not as tidy. I’m not as punctual (always a last minute blowout or spill). I’m not as pro-active. But this morning, I realize that I’m more aware of the passion of God’s love – not as an abstract concept but as a reality I’m living into. I had never really spent time dwelling on God’s love from the perspective of parent before I had my own children. For some people, fathoming this perspective in various circumstances may come more naturally. For me, it is a love discovered experientially and cumulatively in the chaos of parenting.
This was put so beautifully into words. I got a lot from this post. Looking back on raising 4 children, things have changed but I still struggle with allowing grace to light the way. Once you have kids, you always sacrifice for them, no matter how old. This takes me away from doing other things to change the world, even though I work my tail off as a school teacher. How is it that I never feel I
doing enough and yet I’m weary? O Lord help me.
Wow. It seems that we could all use more of your insights. My four children are grown but still involved in my everyday life. I became a teacher when they were teenagers and have hung out with children ever since. I jumped from the frying pan into the fire and still have trouble embracing my life in all it’s glorious confusion. This last summer I focused on mystics, simplicity and I’m striving for that. I find myself becoming frustrated at times, selfishly trying to protect my time…back to “trying” too hard. It rarely works. I’m coming to believe that the experiential spirituality that I long for seems to sneak in the back door when I’m not trying to orchestrate it. I can fully embrace “practicing the presense of God” in the moment, though, and this brings me back down to earth and allows me to embrace the spirit of the moment. A great post!
Thank you. This made me cry.
Thank you for this! I just became a Mommy of two (twins) and have been wondering what that does to my spiritual life since I used to be in full-time ministry. Now I’m in full-time “trying-to-sneak-in-naps-when-they’re-napping-oh-no-did-i-brush-my-teeth-today” mode.
Good to remember that raising children is my new ministry!
You think Bonnie M-M is hard? Try her husband, Mark Miller-McLemore (they were professors of mine at Vanderbilt Divinity). I have an almost-seven-month-old, and my most fervent prayers have occurred while in her company. Prayers for patience, thanksgiving for a new development or a smile, confessions of boredom or frustration or exhaustion. I’m also a pastor, and I’m always asked about how I’m shoring up my spiritual life and practice in the midst of this (!). I think that being with my daughter is spiritual practice, no doubt.
Penny,
I love and adore you more after reading this post, and all the discussions you sparked. Love to the Carothers….
As a married father of 3 I have a couple of observations. What struck me immeidately is there seemed to be this desire to separate our need for time with the Lord from parenting. Thats like saying I am going to separate my need for food from my body. I completely agree with the idea that child-rearing is a ministry. That said, no one in ministry works without regular study and refreshment from the Holy Spirit in order to have the stamina to perform their ministry well. When I parent solely out of my flesh it does not go well, but when I am spending time in God’s word and praying for his guidance and grace I am able to reflect that to my children. It’s not just about “playing Legos”, its about me sharing the gospel with my children daily. We need food to sustain our physical bodies, and we need spiritual food to sustain our spiritual bodies.
A final thought. Where are the fathers in this picture? As the spiritual leader of my home I see it as my ministry to make sure my wife has time away from the kids to refresh herself, go for a walk, read a book, listen to a sermon online, etc.
Please dont separate the thing that gives you grace from the task that requires you to be full of grace.
Yes! You eloquently stated what I have always believed. Thank you for bringing a fresh perspective on things. We need to invest in our parenting and not just stumble through it.
Yes! Finally, a balanced response! I am a mother of 3, home-school 2 of them, and am in “full-time Christian ministry” (what a misnomer THAT is–everything we do can be ministry; which is serving someone else).
My most significant times of “ministry” are when I reflect Christ in my marriage and home.
I especially loved your closing comment.
Shortly after I had my first child I came across Isaiah 40:11 where it says that the Lord, “gently leads those that have young.” It brought me so much peace. It was like he was saying to me “I totally get that kids are exhausting!” I felt released from trying to be the exact same Christian I was before becoming a mom.
Thanks Penny. It’s nice to hear a female voice. Of course, I love all Don’s posts, but this was refreshing. I remember my mother used to say “Helping hands are more holy that praying hands.”
Loved this post! Even as a busy single gal who still has space for some bible-reading-lectio-divina I am aware that these things are really just spiritual constructs. It is our life that seems to be worship and as I read Lewis and others on prayer I’m convinced that praying without ceasing is likely this ability to be present and available and open to seeing all that is alive around us. If we join into the rhythm of this life, embrace it, taste it, feel it, and live it…it seems we’re being human and alive which is just the thing we would have been doing in the garden. Perhaps this IS the way of the redeemed kingdom life. And yes, I do think hugs from children and wide innocent eyes are sometimes the clearest version of love on this earth…and if God is love…He sure can love us through these sweet young humans.
My wife and I don’t have kids (yet), but I found this very encouraging. Thank you.
[...] can read the rest here. I find this to be a daily battle as well. At work there are so many things looming over me that I [...]
Beautifully said. Thank you for your thoughts & honesty written here. I will be getting that book (& probably giving it as a baby-shower gift for the rest of my life).
Now… if only there was a way to time-travel back 8 years & tell myself some of these truths… hmmm…
PS: I have to say that, though I have failed in many ways, I have really, REALLY learned so much about God from being a parent… how much more amazing & loving God is than I had ever really “gotten” before.
I highly recommend the Kathleen Norris book The Quotidian Mysteries; Laundry, Liturgy and “Womens Work” She has a wonder take on the sacradness of repetition in our daily lives as a form of liturgy.
Ten years ago, I published a book called God’s Whisper in a Mother’s Chaos. It was about this very topic. How do we listen to God in the midst of the chaos and struggle of parenting? How do you care for your own soul when you’re busy caring for others? I reached the same conclusion: all of what we do matters, and all of it forms us. Cutting the crusts off a peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be an act of love, not just toward your child, but toward Jesus. I believe Jesus responds to the “worship of wiping” by speaking to us through our children’s hugs, smiles, and words.
[...] told everyone I would lead the bible study this time because I had read this on Donald Miller’s blog and saw a good study for the three expectant mothers in our group. The [...]
[...] But Maybe They Should Have,” written by Penny Carothers, a guest writer on Don Miller’s blog Don Miller Is. She articulates exactly what I have been feeling for a while in terms of thinking that my [...]