Beautiful sentiment, I think, though, that we all hide to some degree or another. Unfortunately, too many of us don’t accept the depravity in others. Perhaps due to the fear of our own. I think the secret might be in braving transparency with the full knowledge that we won’t be accepted by all…maybe. That’s what I want for myself at any rate. We are only as sick as our secrets…
While I agree that honesty and openness in a relationship are important, I would stop short of promoting an expectation of 100% openness. We are each individuals as well as relaters and need to maintain our own thinking and growth space and not be totally immersed in another person.
It is worse to promise 100% openness and honesty and then at times hold back – that is what causes mistrust. If a relationship is mature, it should be understood and accepted that each individual might keep some things to him or herself and that revealing is a gradual process that requires varying degrees of trust on both sides and is part of an emotional and relational journey, not a dumping and laying bare on demand.
I have been married for 26 years and my wife and I know each other better than ever and we are growing and changing together. Yet there are still little surprises, there are times of pulling apart and then coming together, there are moments of transparency but also things that we keep and ponder in our hearts and pray – without guilt – which helps us stand straight in our own shoes, taking responsibility for our own souls.
Seems to me Jesus was very careful what He revealed, to whom, and when. It wasn’t until His “time” that it all came out, because it was His time.
London culture is very guarded, primarily because there are wolves lurking, waiting to exploit vulnerability and weakness. This causes one to possess the wisdom of a serpent and the gentleness of a dove. A difficult balance, achievable only through the Spirit.
How I love you, my dear, dear brother. Transparency may be the last frontier for people who are trying to follow Jesus together. It fights against a lot of our upbringing, even our religious upbringing. Don’t we all long for it, though?
It’s a nice sentiment but after ten years of working the crime beat, and five years writing a murder memoir, I can tell you that there are some evils/people that we ought to fear and keep our distance from.
I think it goes against all our natures, Doug. Who among us wants to open ourselves up, especially when it’s pretty much a guarantee that at some point, we’re going to be hurt? I tend to be shy and introverted, partly because that’s just my nature, but also partly because I’ve been burned and I don’t want to be burned again. The thing I keep thinking about though, is that a life well lived is lived out loud. Not holding back and not afraid to dive in. So lately, I’ve been praying for wisdom and courage. Wisdom to discern who is trustworthy and safe and courage to disconnect myself from the fear of what others may think. The last one is tougher for me because, although I am loathe to admit it, I’m a total approval junkie. Anyway, all that to say, you’re in good company, friend. I think we’re probably all struggling with vulnerability. Brene Brown has written some great stuff on it and her TED talk about embracing vulnerability was awesome. I would highly recommend it.
I just found out a secret from a staff member. It happened 8 years ago, was consensual, and legal. However, it was someone under his care. Now I am trying to determine whether or not to keep him on staff. Our leaders are divided on what to do, but I have a good idea based on asking 20 other pastors and elders. The sin was never dealt with, only confessed to his wife, not the elders, and not anyone else until recently. He has been forgiven by me, and our elders, but some feel like he should be removed from his position of authority. I am not wrestling with the question of forgiveness, i am wrestling with the question of employment.
just had a conversation about this sort of thing this morning. it’s just my opinion, but if it was hidden, i think the staff member should be removed. as you said, though, it’s not about forgiveness, it’s really about safety, integrity, honesty and so forth. it’s sad, because i think if people are open and go through a process they shouldn’t have to leave their positions, even if the sin is serious but not dangerous to others. but yeah, my vote would be to let them go and love them and accept them all the same.
What about in the case of a church leader hiding things and I have no authority in the church to do anything other then choose not to be apart of that community. My heart is to deal with it, but really I feel it is beyond the scope of what I could change myself.
“The sin was never dealt with?” I not quite sure what that means but this sounds a little like the old barb spoken about the “christian army” we’re the only army that shoots our wounded. As for the matter of it being hidden, or secret, which in this case seems to be suggesting an extra-furtive motive or something, he resolved this with his wife. Why would this not be enough? As for the other conditions prefacing “forgiveness” it sounds more like hiding grace in the shadows and letting “safety, honesty, and so forth” shine. Position of leadership or authority you might say? Well maybe, i love how grace and forgiveness seems to calcify in the ranks of christian leadership the longer you served. I remember someone writing a blog-post about how God will love and use some people that the church passes on. This could make for an awkward eternity for some.
Eight years ago, he confessed it to his wife, and he eventually confessed it to you? I hope you keep him on staff.
How in the world do we hope to have people be transparent about their failings if, when they are, they are punished?
Yes, set things in place to keep people safe — but ask yourself why he could tell his wife all those years ago, but couldn’t tell the Christian leadership.
Just because someone does the right thing after doing the wrong thing does not negate consequences. The consequences can be dealt with love and forgiveness.
Rachel, I would agree if this had been a crime, particularly against a child. In this case, the only victim was the man’s wife, and I’m certain the consequences were very real and intense. Now, all these years later, he’ll only be punished for confessing. It should not be so. (I am aware, as I write this, that we don’t know all the details and nuances of the situation.)
This was great. I love that I am completely open and honest with my wife. I have found that keeping things from her only weakens our relationship.
I understand that as time goes on people trust each other more and someone cannot spill their guts on the first meeting, however I think when we are honest with each other even about our shortcomings it causes healing and growth both in ourselves and those with whom we share.
I agree, Brandon. I think you have to think long and hard about why you’re keeping a secret secret. You don’t say some things because they’re hurtful and not helpful, it’s true. But I wouldn’t call those secrets. I believe that things kept in the dark grow stronger and eviller, spawn and mutate.
I was glad to read this! I was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who kept secrets and who was dishonest and it literally drove me crazy. I walked through life fearful, anxious, depressed, and going bonkers because reality was never reality in my marriage.
Honesty is the cornerstone…I won’t ever be in a relationship without it again. (That goes both ways…me being with someone who values it and expects it from me just the same)
The hard part about our depravity, however, is that it also has consequences. Trust cannot be built without honesty, but honesty by itself does not build trust. It is only honesty COUPLED with things like humility, grief or godly sorrow, repentance, surrender, amends, etc. that build trust over time; but none of those things are even possible without honesty. Further, the final component in all of this is choice. Even if someone is honest about their depravity and engaged in both bringing that depravity into surrender so that the building of trust is possible, that does not mean that a person MUST choose a particular kind of relationship as a result. In other words, there IS choice still to be made for unity, but honesty, repentance, and trust is the only REAL place in which one can truly make a choice.
Thanks Don.
For years, I lived in fear of the verse that says what is whispered in secret will be shouted from the rooftops. Sure enough, things I’ve done and wanted to always keep hidden came to light. It’s too early to say with an amount of conviction that I’m glad that my darkness is known but I know, in some sense that it is.
I felt compelled to post something here, because the post hits so close to home, though what to say exactly? It is hard, for me, to be honest. It doesn’t seem like it should be so difficult. I have to work at it. I’ve experienced mercy from those I’ve hurt most, grace that makes any other understanding I thought I had about grace seem academic. Yet, it is not easy to stay in that place of honest, transparency, vulnerability, brokenness.
I commend you for the post. I can’t help but think how powerful and how different the church would be if it were a place where the kind of openness you allude to was the norm. It does happen both in the church and, I’ve found, in recovery communities and when it does is powerful and transformative. But it sure ain’t easy.
My response, from the other side of the coin:
I’m not afraid of what you’re not showing me. There’s nothing you can hide when God’s word put some light on the subject. It’s all out in the open and the shame’s been removed. Quit worrying about your imperfections, your failures and your past mistakes. He’s dealt with it all – all been forgiven, stripped away, nailed to the cross, and put to death. Forget your depravity and start remembering what He’s restored you to. You’re a glorious child of God who IS the righteousness of God, who IS being made perfect as He is perfect. Line up with who God has made you. You have the mind of Christ. Jesus said “the ruler of this world is coming, and he has nothing in Me” – satan and evil has nothing in me. If I fall I’ll get up again, if you fall I’ll help you do the same.
Im a counselor. I swear by your credo. People who arent authentic are not integrated. People who can see their dark and light sides are integrated (have integrity), thus they are held together. People who segment their selves disintegrate.
This could be an entire blog post. I swear I see this more and more, people who just aren’t integrated. I’m writing a chapter about how cultures that are high in shame decrease integration. but i wonder what causes this. why is it that some people integrate and others don’t?
On the flip side, there are those who would argue that cultures low in shame eventually have an increase in negative behavior, because shame, as an emotion, is also tied to accountability.
Mostly, though, I think people don’t integrate for the same reason that people avoid intimacy or pretend they don’t like things their friends don’t like. It doesn’t feel safe to be who they are.
I agree that our society definitely needs more people to become more integrated, however I disagree that many people in western cultures currently live lives of genuine transparency. Even those who promote themselves as honest and transparent and “what you see is what you get” kind of people, in actual fact fail to live up to the reputation they want to portray and in doing so, live in guilt and fear of exposure.
In some cases, people that are very transparent about all aspects of their secret thoughts, lives and behaviours are doing the old “will you still love me if…” need for affirmation routine, while others reveal as a guise to try to get others to reveal – which can then be used as a method of control. Still others are narcissistic in believing that it is important for others to know everything about them.
I agree that we should seek to live an integrated and fairly open life and do so with integrity – but there is an unhealthy over-compensation that should be avoided and we should also feel good and strong about choosing to keep some of our thoughts and journey hidden until we choose to reveal. That is a sign of a strong, healthy soul.
Paradoxically, giving ourselves space to keep some things hidden, frees us from hiding even more of ourselves in the attempt to cover up and justify our inevitable failure at genuine, complete and lasting transparency to those in our immediate circles.
Don, I think you get near the idea in “Searching for God Knows What.” Dis-integration might be the price of the “life boat” game. Miroslav Volf, in “Exclusion and Embrace”, talks about the idea of contrived righteousness.
We have to convince overselves that the other guy had it coming and that we are moral before we can be aggressive toward them. I can’t own my junk and play that game at the same time.
We are a people who compartmentalize and the coldness and the ability to manipulate and lie out of that is scary.
I was married to someone who could compartmentalize everything, and now that I am divorced, I find myself struggling with this whole half the time I’m a mom and the other half I’m a single woman, but still a mom; having to live my life when my son is gone, but not becoming too detached where my heart is guarded so much to prevent being sad all the time while he is gone. It’s Bizarro World to me; a world that requires me to heavily depend on God’s grace and guidance.
I don’t want to be someone who can compartmentalize my life…or shut down and become numb to the whole bit.
Well, we’re all afraid of what we don’t know and anyone whose ever been let down will have trust issues. But where our minds and understanding is limited, we lean onto God for his wisdom and understanding. God calls us to do many scary things… such as meeting new people, or worse (as in scary) witnessing, or even something like marriage. You shouldn’t let fear stop you from reaching out to bond with someone nor should you let fear stop you from letting someone else in. I for one am more afraid of what people do than what they hide. Everyone has secrets. Somethings are only meant for God to know and I would never expect to know anyone not even my future spouse the way God does. I wouldn’t want to. Cause it shouldn’t change the love we decided to share for and with one another.
Who I was yesterday is not who I am today. Yesterday I was dead in Adam, today I’m saved through christ. And tomorrow is not certain to come yet, it’s still a blessing waiting to occur. So if she is alive and freed in Christ… and so am I. What difference would it be if either one of us had secrets from when we were dead in sin? Or any relationship involving trust?
I think that you would like and appreciate a book by Martin Buber called “I and Thou”. The original version is in German, so you might want to check out Kramer’s translated version called “Martin Buber’s I and Thou”. It is all about genuine relationship and community and speaks a lot about openness. I had to read it and do a big group project for one of my graduate classes this term and it has changed my life. I think it will be a great tool for you and the mentoring project.
oh wait, wait. i’ve has a chance to ruminate this a little. i have so many questions: are you talking about yourself or others or leaders and public figures? do you think it’s only keeping secrets that creates mistrust and distance? (because i’m sure Sandusky’s victims, who knew the full truth, mistrust him and want to keep their distance.) are you calling your audience to full disclosure? are you going to be the one to accept your friend’s sin? or, are you saying that you’re afraid of how your own hidden depravity blocks relationship with others?
there are evil people in this world, and, unless God wants me to be friends with them, i try to stay away from them as much as i can, at least emotionally and spiritually. and, if they are my leaders, i am fortunate to live in a place that it is rather easy to remove them from office and give them consequences. but to speak of this in your personal relationships denies the healing power of Christ. He wants you to seek peace in your relationships, even in the face of mistrust, just as Christ seeks peace with us. and boy, does Christ totally have reason to mistrust us! but, as Paul writes, you have been raised up with Him, He has covered your depravity (once again, loving this word) with righteousness, and it is in Christ’s power that we find safety, not in our own emotional contentment. while it’s healthy to understand your own emotional needs/reactions/boundaries, i believe that God asks/commands/decrees/politely requests that we love, which is what we are supposed to do in relationships, in spite of the harm that may befall us. Jesus did. but then, i guess it’s figuring out what that love looks like that can be the problem.
Don, I love you, but in this matter I think this thought is over simplistic. Speaking as someone who kept a secret hidden for an unhealthy length of time, I can say that fear keeps it bottled inside, not malice. Will you accept the evil inside me? Will you recognize it’s inside you too? Or will you reject me and judge me and break contact with me and hurt me? Do I trust you enough to take that chance? The consequences are too big to contemplate.
My secret is out, I have been forgiven, I am free, and I count myself very lucky. No guarantee it would turn out this way.
Just thinking that we shouldn’t be open and explicit with everyone. Maybe with the ones closer to you. Always asking for wisdom for what things to confess, to whom and in which situations. Knowing that, by being vulnerable, God makes you stronger.
“I’m not afraid of the evil in you. It’s in me too.” – loved that.
Good post. More transparency would completely change the relationships within our society.. too bad that we’re at a point where transparency has become looked down upon. We may all say that we would enjoy complete honesty, but we don’t know how to deal with people who are open and honest with their struggles.
… and the method of delivery … reminds me of contemporary art pieces. If I were to read this like contemporary art I’d ask: why suddenly your own hand writing? why the feel of a personal note? why had the normal picture become larger?
It is impossible to have a genuine relationship with anyone without honesty. Impossible.
Good word.
Beautiful sentiment, I think, though, that we all hide to some degree or another. Unfortunately, too many of us don’t accept the depravity in others. Perhaps due to the fear of our own. I think the secret might be in braving transparency with the full knowledge that we won’t be accepted by all…maybe. That’s what I want for myself at any rate. We are only as sick as our secrets…
While I agree that honesty and openness in a relationship are important, I would stop short of promoting an expectation of 100% openness. We are each individuals as well as relaters and need to maintain our own thinking and growth space and not be totally immersed in another person.
It is worse to promise 100% openness and honesty and then at times hold back – that is what causes mistrust. If a relationship is mature, it should be understood and accepted that each individual might keep some things to him or herself and that revealing is a gradual process that requires varying degrees of trust on both sides and is part of an emotional and relational journey, not a dumping and laying bare on demand.
I have been married for 26 years and my wife and I know each other better than ever and we are growing and changing together. Yet there are still little surprises, there are times of pulling apart and then coming together, there are moments of transparency but also things that we keep and ponder in our hearts and pray – without guilt – which helps us stand straight in our own shoes, taking responsibility for our own souls.
I’ve been married 34 years and agree with your reply.
Seems to me Jesus was very careful what He revealed, to whom, and when. It wasn’t until His “time” that it all came out, because it was His time.
London culture is very guarded, primarily because there are wolves lurking, waiting to exploit vulnerability and weakness. This causes one to possess the wisdom of a serpent and the gentleness of a dove. A difficult balance, achievable only through the Spirit.
Married 22 years, and agree. Well put.
Like the old Alcoholics Anonymous line: “We’re only as sick as our secrets.”
You basically summed up all my anxieties about relationships in a single note. Such a struggle.
This is such a timely post for me…. Thank you
Robin
How I love you, my dear, dear brother. Transparency may be the last frontier for people who are trying to follow Jesus together. It fights against a lot of our upbringing, even our religious upbringing. Don’t we all long for it, though?
Excellent, Lori. Transparency as the last frontier, I love that. Thank you!
That’s good stuff man
It’s a nice sentiment but after ten years of working the crime beat, and five years writing a murder memoir, I can tell you that there are some evils/people that we ought to fear and keep our distance from.
much agreed, karen. i’d say sandusky is one of those guys for sure.
Sigh. So many Sanduskys in the world.
Glad you said this Karen…when I read this post earlier, it was missing the “Sandusky” part to the inspired by.
I fully agree with what you said here…and I’m not a police officer…only a professional Bones and NCIS watcher.
whoops…reread your comment, you are a writer and not an officer. Wrong “beat” I suppose.
Well, same beat. Different roles.
AGREE, Karen, as you know!!
“It’s not enough just to say that you’re okay/
Well I need your hurt/
I need your pain/
It’s not love any other way”
(Tenth Avenue North – “Any Other Way”)
See also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6J9t0JQ8FY
How do we learn to be vulnerable?….. it goes against my nature
I think it goes against all our natures, Doug. Who among us wants to open ourselves up, especially when it’s pretty much a guarantee that at some point, we’re going to be hurt? I tend to be shy and introverted, partly because that’s just my nature, but also partly because I’ve been burned and I don’t want to be burned again. The thing I keep thinking about though, is that a life well lived is lived out loud. Not holding back and not afraid to dive in. So lately, I’ve been praying for wisdom and courage. Wisdom to discern who is trustworthy and safe and courage to disconnect myself from the fear of what others may think. The last one is tougher for me because, although I am loathe to admit it, I’m a total approval junkie. Anyway, all that to say, you’re in good company, friend. I think we’re probably all struggling with vulnerability. Brene Brown has written some great stuff on it and her TED talk about embracing vulnerability was awesome. I would highly recommend it.
In the same way…if I see you lie to someone, I’ll assume that you are always lying to me.
exactly
or talk about someone, I’ll assume you talk about me
Beautiful and true. I’d rather I’ll take honest imperfection anyday. It’s simply the real thing.
Amen
Wow… Great post.
I just found out a secret from a staff member. It happened 8 years ago, was consensual, and legal. However, it was someone under his care. Now I am trying to determine whether or not to keep him on staff. Our leaders are divided on what to do, but I have a good idea based on asking 20 other pastors and elders. The sin was never dealt with, only confessed to his wife, not the elders, and not anyone else until recently. He has been forgiven by me, and our elders, but some feel like he should be removed from his position of authority. I am not wrestling with the question of forgiveness, i am wrestling with the question of employment.
just had a conversation about this sort of thing this morning. it’s just my opinion, but if it was hidden, i think the staff member should be removed. as you said, though, it’s not about forgiveness, it’s really about safety, integrity, honesty and so forth. it’s sad, because i think if people are open and go through a process they shouldn’t have to leave their positions, even if the sin is serious but not dangerous to others. but yeah, my vote would be to let them go and love them and accept them all the same.
What about in the case of a church leader hiding things and I have no authority in the church to do anything other then choose not to be apart of that community. My heart is to deal with it, but really I feel it is beyond the scope of what I could change myself.
“The sin was never dealt with?” I not quite sure what that means but this sounds a little like the old barb spoken about the “christian army” we’re the only army that shoots our wounded. As for the matter of it being hidden, or secret, which in this case seems to be suggesting an extra-furtive motive or something, he resolved this with his wife. Why would this not be enough? As for the other conditions prefacing “forgiveness” it sounds more like hiding grace in the shadows and letting “safety, honesty, and so forth” shine. Position of leadership or authority you might say? Well maybe, i love how grace and forgiveness seems to calcify in the ranks of christian leadership the longer you served. I remember someone writing a blog-post about how God will love and use some people that the church passes on. This could make for an awkward eternity for some.
Eight years ago, he confessed it to his wife, and he eventually confessed it to you? I hope you keep him on staff.
How in the world do we hope to have people be transparent about their failings if, when they are, they are punished?
Yes, set things in place to keep people safe — but ask yourself why he could tell his wife all those years ago, but couldn’t tell the Christian leadership.
Just because someone does the right thing after doing the wrong thing does not negate consequences. The consequences can be dealt with love and forgiveness.
I wonder if transparency’s purpose is for the health of the soul, and not a “get out of jail free card”.
Rachel, I would agree if this had been a crime, particularly against a child. In this case, the only victim was the man’s wife, and I’m certain the consequences were very real and intense. Now, all these years later, he’ll only be punished for confessing. It should not be so. (I am aware, as I write this, that we don’t know all the details and nuances of the situation.)
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We hide our pain, too–maybe because we think it says something about our value. Thanks for this post.
This was great. I love that I am completely open and honest with my wife. I have found that keeping things from her only weakens our relationship.
I understand that as time goes on people trust each other more and someone cannot spill their guts on the first meeting, however I think when we are honest with each other even about our shortcomings it causes healing and growth both in ourselves and those with whom we share.
I agree, Brandon. I think you have to think long and hard about why you’re keeping a secret secret. You don’t say some things because they’re hurtful and not helpful, it’s true. But I wouldn’t call those secrets. I believe that things kept in the dark grow stronger and eviller, spawn and mutate.
I was glad to read this! I was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who kept secrets and who was dishonest and it literally drove me crazy. I walked through life fearful, anxious, depressed, and going bonkers because reality was never reality in my marriage.
Honesty is the cornerstone…I won’t ever be in a relationship without it again. (That goes both ways…me being with someone who values it and expects it from me just the same)
Incredibly true – love this note – appreciate the creativity of the post as well. Thanks, Don!
A-freaking-men, brother.
The hard part about our depravity, however, is that it also has consequences. Trust cannot be built without honesty, but honesty by itself does not build trust. It is only honesty COUPLED with things like humility, grief or godly sorrow, repentance, surrender, amends, etc. that build trust over time; but none of those things are even possible without honesty. Further, the final component in all of this is choice. Even if someone is honest about their depravity and engaged in both bringing that depravity into surrender so that the building of trust is possible, that does not mean that a person MUST choose a particular kind of relationship as a result. In other words, there IS choice still to be made for unity, but honesty, repentance, and trust is the only REAL place in which one can truly make a choice.
“I’m not afraid of the evil in you. It’s in me too.” WOW! What a powerful statement!
Powerful post, Don.
depravity. such a good word. yes.
Missed your posts, Don. This one was great.
Hah! and once again, the pot calls the kettle black.
You are only as sick as your secrets! And healing only comes from a transparent life.
We are addicted to the fig leaf.
Great post. Thanks Don.
Yes.
Thanks Don.
For years, I lived in fear of the verse that says what is whispered in secret will be shouted from the rooftops. Sure enough, things I’ve done and wanted to always keep hidden came to light. It’s too early to say with an amount of conviction that I’m glad that my darkness is known but I know, in some sense that it is.
I felt compelled to post something here, because the post hits so close to home, though what to say exactly? It is hard, for me, to be honest. It doesn’t seem like it should be so difficult. I have to work at it. I’ve experienced mercy from those I’ve hurt most, grace that makes any other understanding I thought I had about grace seem academic. Yet, it is not easy to stay in that place of honest, transparency, vulnerability, brokenness.
I commend you for the post. I can’t help but think how powerful and how different the church would be if it were a place where the kind of openness you allude to was the norm. It does happen both in the church and, I’ve found, in recovery communities and when it does is powerful and transformative. But it sure ain’t easy.
Thanks again, Don.
what i meant to say…
“It’s too early to say with any amount of conviction that I’m glad that my darkness is known but I know, in some sense, that it is good.”
My response, from the other side of the coin:
I’m not afraid of what you’re not showing me. There’s nothing you can hide when God’s word put some light on the subject. It’s all out in the open and the shame’s been removed. Quit worrying about your imperfections, your failures and your past mistakes. He’s dealt with it all – all been forgiven, stripped away, nailed to the cross, and put to death. Forget your depravity and start remembering what He’s restored you to. You’re a glorious child of God who IS the righteousness of God, who IS being made perfect as He is perfect. Line up with who God has made you. You have the mind of Christ. Jesus said “the ruler of this world is coming, and he has nothing in Me” – satan and evil has nothing in me. If I fall I’ll get up again, if you fall I’ll help you do the same.
Sorry, but what they do scares me…..
ha! yes, i agree. i think perhaps the “inspired by” was a little off. touche DB
I’m a heap of imperfection… when you show yourself vulnerable, you give others permission to do the same.
Very timely.
Im a counselor. I swear by your credo. People who arent authentic are not integrated. People who can see their dark and light sides are integrated (have integrity), thus they are held together. People who segment their selves disintegrate.
This could be an entire blog post. I swear I see this more and more, people who just aren’t integrated. I’m writing a chapter about how cultures that are high in shame decrease integration. but i wonder what causes this. why is it that some people integrate and others don’t?
On the flip side, there are those who would argue that cultures low in shame eventually have an increase in negative behavior, because shame, as an emotion, is also tied to accountability.
Mostly, though, I think people don’t integrate for the same reason that people avoid intimacy or pretend they don’t like things their friends don’t like. It doesn’t feel safe to be who they are.
I agree that our society definitely needs more people to become more integrated, however I disagree that many people in western cultures currently live lives of genuine transparency. Even those who promote themselves as honest and transparent and “what you see is what you get” kind of people, in actual fact fail to live up to the reputation they want to portray and in doing so, live in guilt and fear of exposure.
In some cases, people that are very transparent about all aspects of their secret thoughts, lives and behaviours are doing the old “will you still love me if…” need for affirmation routine, while others reveal as a guise to try to get others to reveal – which can then be used as a method of control. Still others are narcissistic in believing that it is important for others to know everything about them.
I agree that we should seek to live an integrated and fairly open life and do so with integrity – but there is an unhealthy over-compensation that should be avoided and we should also feel good and strong about choosing to keep some of our thoughts and journey hidden until we choose to reveal. That is a sign of a strong, healthy soul.
Paradoxically, giving ourselves space to keep some things hidden, frees us from hiding even more of ourselves in the attempt to cover up and justify our inevitable failure at genuine, complete and lasting transparency to those in our immediate circles.
Don, I think you get near the idea in “Searching for God Knows What.” Dis-integration might be the price of the “life boat” game. Miroslav Volf, in “Exclusion and Embrace”, talks about the idea of contrived righteousness.
We have to convince overselves that the other guy had it coming and that we are moral before we can be aggressive toward them. I can’t own my junk and play that game at the same time.
yes, I agree Larry – maybe the biggest issue is not transparency to others but transparency to ourselves
We are a people who compartmentalize and the coldness and the ability to manipulate and lie out of that is scary.
I was married to someone who could compartmentalize everything, and now that I am divorced, I find myself struggling with this whole half the time I’m a mom and the other half I’m a single woman, but still a mom; having to live my life when my son is gone, but not becoming too detached where my heart is guarded so much to prevent being sad all the time while he is gone. It’s Bizarro World to me; a world that requires me to heavily depend on God’s grace and guidance.
I don’t want to be someone who can compartmentalize my life…or shut down and become numb to the whole bit.
Thanks for spelling it out like you did Lucille!
Well, we’re all afraid of what we don’t know and anyone whose ever been let down will have trust issues. But where our minds and understanding is limited, we lean onto God for his wisdom and understanding. God calls us to do many scary things… such as meeting new people, or worse (as in scary) witnessing, or even something like marriage. You shouldn’t let fear stop you from reaching out to bond with someone nor should you let fear stop you from letting someone else in. I for one am more afraid of what people do than what they hide. Everyone has secrets. Somethings are only meant for God to know and I would never expect to know anyone not even my future spouse the way God does. I wouldn’t want to. Cause it shouldn’t change the love we decided to share for and with one another.
Who I was yesterday is not who I am today. Yesterday I was dead in Adam, today I’m saved through christ. And tomorrow is not certain to come yet, it’s still a blessing waiting to occur. So if she is alive and freed in Christ… and so am I. What difference would it be if either one of us had secrets from when we were dead in sin? Or any relationship involving trust?
Don,
I think that you would like and appreciate a book by Martin Buber called “I and Thou”. The original version is in German, so you might want to check out Kramer’s translated version called “Martin Buber’s I and Thou”. It is all about genuine relationship and community and speaks a lot about openness. I had to read it and do a big group project for one of my graduate classes this term and it has changed my life. I think it will be a great tool for you and the mentoring project.
Kirstin
will do…thanks!
sometimes the old maxim is still true “the devil you know is preferable to the devil you don’t know”
There are some kinds of depravity that we cannot accept…barring those, I’d say I agree with you. Well written.
oh wait, wait. i’ve has a chance to ruminate this a little. i have so many questions: are you talking about yourself or others or leaders and public figures? do you think it’s only keeping secrets that creates mistrust and distance? (because i’m sure Sandusky’s victims, who knew the full truth, mistrust him and want to keep their distance.) are you calling your audience to full disclosure? are you going to be the one to accept your friend’s sin? or, are you saying that you’re afraid of how your own hidden depravity blocks relationship with others?
there are evil people in this world, and, unless God wants me to be friends with them, i try to stay away from them as much as i can, at least emotionally and spiritually. and, if they are my leaders, i am fortunate to live in a place that it is rather easy to remove them from office and give them consequences. but to speak of this in your personal relationships denies the healing power of Christ. He wants you to seek peace in your relationships, even in the face of mistrust, just as Christ seeks peace with us. and boy, does Christ totally have reason to mistrust us! but, as Paul writes, you have been raised up with Him, He has covered your depravity (once again, loving this word) with righteousness, and it is in Christ’s power that we find safety, not in our own emotional contentment. while it’s healthy to understand your own emotional needs/reactions/boundaries, i believe that God asks/commands/decrees/politely requests that we love, which is what we are supposed to do in relationships, in spite of the harm that may befall us. Jesus did. but then, i guess it’s figuring out what that love looks like that can be the problem.
Don, I love you, but in this matter I think this thought is over simplistic. Speaking as someone who kept a secret hidden for an unhealthy length of time, I can say that fear keeps it bottled inside, not malice. Will you accept the evil inside me? Will you recognize it’s inside you too? Or will you reject me and judge me and break contact with me and hurt me? Do I trust you enough to take that chance? The consequences are too big to contemplate.
My secret is out, I have been forgiven, I am free, and I count myself very lucky. No guarantee it would turn out this way.
Just thinking that we shouldn’t be open and explicit with everyone. Maybe with the ones closer to you. Always asking for wisdom for what things to confess, to whom and in which situations. Knowing that, by being vulnerable, God makes you stronger.
“I’m not afraid of the evil in you. It’s in me too.” – loved that.
I wish someone had said this when I was 10.
Good post. More transparency would completely change the relationships within our society.. too bad that we’re at a point where transparency has become looked down upon. We may all say that we would enjoy complete honesty, but we don’t know how to deal with people who are open and honest with their struggles.
…If only more “leaders” were like this…
… and the method of delivery … reminds me of contemporary art pieces. If I were to read this like contemporary art I’d ask: why suddenly your own hand writing? why the feel of a personal note? why had the normal picture become larger?
… just my tangential thoughts.
Wow, that really hits home, such a fine line between privacy and keeping secrets though.
testing. I want to remain anonymous….