What stinks is when you write a whole note, take a picture of it, throw it away, and realize you left a question mark off the end.
12Dec, 2011
What stinks is when you write a whole note, take a picture of it, throw it away, and realize you left a question mark off the end.
And what if I could just remember that everyone else is as full of need and self-doubt and anxieties as I am… that everyone else so longs to be touched and loved and cared for as I do… Then, setting aside self-absorption, I could become for them the toucher, lover, caregiver.
(Unlike you, I didn’t forget the question mark… it’s just that the right side of my keyboard has decided to begin playing tiddly winks with me.)
Id love to talk to you Don! In fact, its on my bucket list to have a beer with you. Feel free to reach out at any time.
Don,
I got a chuckle out of your opening sentence. Your comment about the question mark is so me. I do stuff like that all the time, although my stuff is usually misspelling something. Those kinds of things fester with me until I can fix them — photoshop! Honestly, I wouldn’t have notice except for your pointing it out.
You’re not a bother or a drain. Your comments are a blessing to me and I look forward to reading them every morning. Please keep writing!
you just invented the photo-blogging. all you need is a sheet of paper, a marker and a camera. really like your short notes.
You mean, when you get famous, insecurity doesn’t instantly evaporate? Crud monkeys…
I need to make it a point to assume this every week. I’m sure that I have missed out on some great conversations, trying not to be a “bother”.
I really like the thought…still have to be careful to not become insensitive or cocky…
Leaving the question mark off was good in this case since the thought stated is more like a statement of realization…
Great post this Monday morning Don!
“If my friends are a gift to me, why can’t I be a gift to them?”
I will be chewing on this thought for the day. I know for me I struggle with people pleasing so I am often too concerned with that rather than reaching out and going the extra mile to serve someone.
I think many of us harbor lies in our head and we believe we are a bother or a drain. And the reality is that is not the case at all. Thanks for such a unique challenge. I know many will be encouraged by this post.
Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you for posting this; I feel as though it was written directly to me (though I know it wasn’t). This is what God has been saying to me – and it’s totally true for you, for me, for all of God’s kids. We are precious and He’s given us amazing gifts to share with the world, to encourage His other kids, to reach out and be part of His incredible story in ways we can’t even imagine (thinking Ephesians 3:20-21 here). Thank you, thank you, thank you for your transparency and your authenticity.
I often struggle with this! I don’t feel like I have anything worth bringing to the table or I just sit back and let others talk because I am not as important or interesting. If I acted like people actually wanted to listen to me that would change quite a bit. It would be a difficult experiment for me, but I think I just may do it.
Somebody gave me almost that exact same challenge a little over a year ago. I think his exact words were, “You’re living with the expectation that everyone you meet is going to reject you. Why don’t you try living with the expectation that they will accept you instead?”
It’s funny, once he pointed that out, I realized just how much of my life was built around that expectation of rejection. Changing such a key component of my thinking hasn’t been easy, but the results have been well worth it. Most obviously, I’ve become more assertive in reaching out to others, rather than always waiting for them to reach out to me. Granted, sometimes I do get turned down, but I’m starting to see that that really is okay. My self-worth is not based solely on the approval of others, after all.
i actually do believe this… i genuinely believe people want to talk to me and hear what i think and have to say. a greater struggle for me is to listen, really listen, to what people have to say without spending the entire conversation forming a response to their pain, excitement, anger, etc. i need to work on listening and being much slower to speak. one of many areas i have to grow in.
I like your visual, “stepped off the lowered hand of God”. I’ve always struggled with a very limiting self-perception and one of the things the Spirit has me focus on is just loving people. If in my mind I’m loving them, letting my face and eyes smile what’s coming from my heart, I find it’s coming more natural to listen well, ask caring questions, and still like myself when the encounter is over. Some of the best coaches are the people God’s placed in my life who are tremendous leaders and friends. I know that their attitude isn’t conceited even if they occasionally struggle with pride or low-confidence. What I’ve come to understand is that ALL people struggle with this at varying times; the real kicker is if we’re able to hear and respond to God in those moments He brings us back to reality. I like that writers are sharing honestly and gifting us with the rock-solid realities of growing up (speaking for myself).
I love this post! I’m going to do that this week too. Keep up the handwriting.
Paul calls us to “Practice hospitality.” (Romans 12:13) As Christians, we have a social responsibility to all people — especially other believers. Even if we’d rather spend the day hiding under our desks as an act of self-preservation. (Which is exactly how I’m feeling this morning — so thanks for the timely blog post.)
In my organization I am fairly high up, so when I enter a room, most people do want to talk to me. BUT about work things, not about me as a person (and I get it, I really do!). The challenge I am going to take from Don’s question is that this week when I enter a room, I am going to assume that people actually want to talk to me and not just at me about work things. Thanks for the reframing!
I think I will try this too, Don. You know, I always tell myself that I don’t want to “bother” others as well, or “pry” into their lives by asking questions about how they’re doing… I tell myself that if they want me to know how they’re really doing, they’ll tell me (and I assume that they already know that I care and want to know). And, if they really want to hear what’s going on with me, they’ll ask… Looking at that honestly, I’m expecting others to take all the risks… Not exactly fair…
There was a time when I could have wholeheartedly agreed. But I’ve been leaving a wake of hurt among those I care about in recent months.
Don – Many times I feel the same way. I do not call or reach out because I am afraid I will be a nuisance. Well I took a chance. My old college roommate (who by the way lives in Portland OR now by coincidence) is in the hospital recovering from a very complicated heart surgery. Well long story short he is not recovering as fast they hoped and has developed other complications.
I found out on facebook he was in the hospital. I debated on whether I should call. Being in the hospital people my or may not want to talk and I udnerstand that. Well I called and took a chance and figured well if he is too sick or tired to talk then ok..just the attempt may cheer him up..and I wont take it personally if he does not want to talk. Well I called and it was a great conversation and I asked him if he wanted me to call very so ofter while he is recovering and he said yes that would be great. I did this because when I was recovering from a complicated surgery a while back my sister called every day and even if it was just a few second phone call I felt like someone reaching out helped me have confidence in recovery..so I thought I would try to pass that on to my friend and college roommate…and glad I did..
This thought is going to stick with me.
When i first started walking around low income apartment complexes I thought the people i needed to talk to didn’t want to talk to me. i thought that sure, I was there to minister to them, but I’ll invite them to bible study… if they come they want to talk.
Well, they didn’t come. Sometimes they did, but mostly they didn’t.
The approach changed. I started walking around and talking to them. Getting to know them. Loving them. Seeing what they needed. Thinking they wanted to talk to me.
The relationships built by that have been tremendous. Earlier this week i had a family tell me that both parents are HIV positive, they they have no money, that they will have no Christmas. This family hasn’t come and heard my teaching of the bible yet. This family however needed to let that be made known. They needed to talk it out. Sure, i may have been considered a bother the first dozen or so times i knocked on their door, but now the relationship is growing. The family will have a christmas now, and food, and a tree.
We may not be wanted at first, and that’s okay. But one day, we may be needed. If we approach every situation as if we were wanted, as if they wanted to talk to us.. then in those moments where they need us, where they need to let things go or be blessed we are there.
Oh the forgotten question mark! I HATE when I do that. (Well, not exactly what you just did here, but . . . forgetting question marks.)
I also like the question. I have similar reasons for not reaching out–although working at a coffee shop for five years kind of helped. I’d say what’s different now that I reach out at least a little more–well, I probably don’t know all that’s different, but I know that each positive interaction makes the next one easier, the other person becomes my focus instead of myself, and at least collaterally, I’m usually happier.
What a game changer. I’m a bit of a hermit and don’t always have the confidence to believe in what I have to give to others. What a simple, nicely packaged insight. It gives me a much needed quarter turn of the mind and heart and is easy enough to put it into practice. Thanks!
I’m a naturally introverted pastor. Being introverted makes it hard enough for me to make friends or think people actually want to talk to me, being a pastor just makes it that much tougher people would want to befriend me or have me come and be part of their life for anything beyond performing a service to them.
I can’t even really begin to wrap my head around the idea of people liking to talk to me, let alone start to figure out how much that would change life. It’s definitely something to ponder, but I wouldn’t even know how to start.
Don,
It never ceases to amaze me that we withhold ourselves based on this assumption. I almost never start conversations. My excuse was that I’m a wallflower. The truth is, I’m a coward, and I think the same thing – why would anyone be interested in me?
I’ll join you in this little effort to be God’s vessel. Can’t wait to hear your experiences.
So simple and powerful. Needed that today. Thanks for sharing.
[...] What Would Change if You Believed People Actually Wanted to Talk to You? | Donald Miller’s Blo…. [...]
I don’t have trouble believing people want to talk to me. I have trouble believing people want to listen to me.
i’m assuming you’d be an encouraging, helpful presence, not focused on yourself, but the person you’re talking to?
heh. I’m such a Donald Miller fan! I’ve been saying these exact same things to myself. I find it surprising and strangely encouraging that you might ever feel like a bother or a drain to people. You feel that too, huh?! It makes me feel less alone in this strange world. Thanks
Thanks for sharing…I have the same feelings of restraint. Makes you wonder how often we misrepresent God by keeping quiet…
Thanks, Don. This is hopefully going to change my life.
I just read a book called “MWF seeking BFF”. It was about this woman’s yearlong search for a friend (she was newish in town). She was constantly amazed at how many other people out there were looking for friends and welcomed her approach. It was such an inspiration to me to get out there and greet others!
Oh boy. You hit the nail on the head with this one! I can relate, as I’ve entertained similar thoughts on many an occasion. Love that people were created as community people — simply put, people need people. We all need each other. You are special, just because you’re well, YOU! Thanks for this thought-provoking blog post!
I would change the small talk mentality i have.. I think the same as you, that, talking to people is a bother, or that im boring them because im too deep. i often stay shallow in convo(nice day, hows work, you catch the game) in hopes that if a conversation continued we could bring it to depth. i think a lot of people feel this way, its a self conscious perspective, more or less feeling inadequate about yourself. i found i became reliant on other things to make me attractive ie clothes hair even the people i hang around. these things bring me worth and thus credibility opening the door to a deeper level of conversation. its funny you mentioned what would you change if people wanted to talk to you. i told my pastor the other day i tried a social experiment. i went to a young adults group at a church (im 27) not knowing anyone and went with them to a restaurant and they started speaking about psychology and being a drug councilor. i opened the table up for that to be our topic. i began asking what they thought was the issue with “addicts” as they are identified. she began with the idea of it being a disease i offered an option through scripture.. basing everything off an identity issue and drugs being an outlet toward the things they lack in life no different than someone who works to much or a man with porn or woman with romance novels.. they were taken aback.. i think more so because i used scripture as a possible solution and that i was so willing to talk about the deep “forbidden” issues plaguing our culture. it was weird at first but a few jokes later and they opened up and before you know it we’re talking about desires and identity and the calling of God.. i dont think people know how to react to depth, its vulnerable and scary but so liberating if engaged properly. i think me taking the rings and sharing my heart first almost appeared sacrificial. i was willing to lay my heart on the table and open myself up for ridicule.. but the honest confidence and security i had presenting these deep ideas was inviting. i think i am going to do that more often, just go up to people than engage me in conversation as if they want to hear me.. today is week 2 of the young adults thing, ive made a couple friends since last week so we’ll give it another try… sorry for the grammatical errors and poor use of punctuation i know i am talking to an author but i know nothing about english..i was homeschooled sadly.
http://screencast.com/t/FB9zaQBRjwOI
Fixed! Comment away…
I don’t know if I could do this on a perpetual basis – but I like the idea of trying to adopt this attitude for a week. As an experiment. Just to see what happens…
My problem is that I DO assume people ACTUALLY DO want to hear about me but then I see their eyes glaze over when I excitedly tell them about what’s going on. Suggestions for that? I know. I know. Cynics (mostly men) would say, “Get to the point quicker.” I’m going to start setting an internal limit of 6 sentences, I guess.
I feel that way all the time. In fact, I think I’ve said, “I don’t want to be a bother,” a million times in my head. I think I’m going to join you on this quest.
Thanks for sharing this…
Insightful.
I usually beat myself up (mentally)
after being at a meeting.
Always sure people are tired of me.
My only solace,
is to take my eyes off myself
and people,
to focus God
and what he thinks of me.
This is for sure a matter of who we listen too.
Thanks for sharing this.
I too assume I’m a burden and a drain on others all the time. Am always so paranoid about how I’m perceived. Need to change this about myself. Need to change it desperately.
I would change/improve my listening skills, God knows I need to.
-Roy Niswanger
p.s. Received a Christmas card from your mother. She sent a pop-up card which had a yellow house in it. That was very thoughtful of her. I hope her and her mother are doing well. We’ll be sending her a Christmas card soon.
I have no problem believing that people want to talk to me; I assume they enjoy conversation just as I do. For me the question is rather, “What would change if I believed people actually wanted to talk to me about anything below the surface of quilting, football and the weather?” Most of the time I assume people aren’t interested in God-talk, and I haven’t proven myself wrong anywhere near enough.
Nothing gives us our self value except for God. He alone gives us life, meaning, and purpose. Often times it is hard to realize such a simple truth. We find ourselves either judging others, or judging others.
But we are human beings not human doers. Human beings. We should find joy in simply being a child of God. There would be no need to impress anyone including ourselves.
Once we realize this, we can just simply live not letting our brains get in the way of God.
I just wrote a “This I Believe” statement/essay for one of my college classes. To say that your post is relevant would be an understatement.
The title is “I Believe in Who I Am.” Here’s the thesis:
“I believe in who I am. Who I am is not a quantifiable answer. The truth is there is a lot more to a person than can be measured by any set of standards. It’s our job to simply live life and enjoy every minute of it. Could anyone ask for more? Too often it’s easy to value someone based on their looks, job, or their actions. But there’s more to people than can be measured. I know that I’m not perfect, but I try to live my life keeping in mind who I am, enjoying life to it’s fullest, not putting stock in material things. I believe people are great purely because of who they are.”
This may be the hardest thing that anyone has ever asked me to do.
This article just put a smile on my face!
Hey Donald,
I love this post. So true for sooo many people. The word I think of is belonging. When you truly feel like you belong, the way you approach life and people changes. Your guard is off. You perform to your potential; the way God designed you to perform, love, interact, etc. There’s a disability advocate by the name of Norman Kunc who describes this and uses Maslow’s theory of hierarchy to support it. Obviously it’s written in support of including people with disabilities. I think it’s a spot on perspective and very transferable. Check it out. – http://www.normemma.com/articles/armaslow.htm
Nothing would change but how you feel about yourself…finally, signifigance.
Thank you Don. I understand the feelings you related quite a bit. Thank you for the thoughts and the encouragement.