Jimmy Stewart. An actor I've always associated with good character.
The blogosphere is abuzz with advice for the new year. We’re being given tricks and tips on getting ahead, becoming more efficient and so forth. But as a guy who helps people live better stories, I have to tell you the best advice I’ve ever heard is simple: Work on your character and a good life will come to you.
Of course we have to define “good life” and we also have to acknowledge this is far from a “biblical law” that is destined for success. To be sure, nothing is for sure. But I like the idea and find it comforting. I like the idea that I can stop trying to control the people around me and just work on myself, just work on being a slightly better Don.
Does it mean everything will be great? No, not really. Conflict is part of every good life. No meaningful story is void of conflict. But what it does mean is that in every context, I can always control what I can control, and that’s me. Just because there’s a storm on the ocean doesn’t mean there has to be a storm within me.
Here are some interesting camera angles I’ve found on the topic of good character. Or here are some reasons I’m going to focus more on character:
1. I’m tired of tricks and tips. I just want to be. And I want to be better. And I am being drawn to slow-growth metaphors rather than quick-fix solutions.
2. I don’t want to go getanything anymore. I don’t want to stand in line at the “discount good life shop.” I just want to enjoy a sunset or sunrise of drive in the country or book. I think having good character IS the good life, in a way. Practicing good character has a way of stabilizing us and keeps us from pining for the things we don’t have. Having good character means cleaning up our inside world, rather than filling it with more stuff like an emotional pack rat.
In the end, having character is about settling. And I firmly believe one key to the happy life is settling. By settling I mean it’s a decision to no longer be gluttonous. I’m gluttonous in so many ways. Not just with food, but with relationships and praise and money and so many other things. Having good character means settling for what little I have, and participating in life rather than trying to conquer life.
3. I think it’s true that character attracts character. When we find ourselves surrounded by people who lack character, it’s probably because our lack of character created compatibility. It’s not always true, but like people often find each other. When we have good character, we have better, more easy conversation with others who have good character and our relationships soon become networks of good people. This is comforting to me.
4. Having good character means having fewer regrets. I hate regrets. I hate sitting around thinking of the crappy things I’ve said to people, or the crappier things I’ve done. I want to build in a few years without regrets to look back on.
5. Having good character is better than making people think you have integrity. It’s fine to have integrity, but it’s a waste of time to convince others that you do. Working on my character seems more Godward and inward focussed than outward focussed on what other humans think. Having good character feels more like having good weather inside you. I want good weather inside me.
I’m going to think about this for a while. Work on your character and a good life will com to you. Will you test it out with me? Lets see if it’s true.
I wrote this poem this summer, working on my garage and wrestling with these issues: http://www.larryshallenberger.com/2011/08/18/a-poem-sanballat-holds-the-ladder/
I’d like qualify what you said with “the good like may or may not come to you. But character is worth it.”
Great post.
“like to”
“the good life”
So that statement wasn’t a joke… I truly thought it was. I have been your biggest fan but this is error. The valley of the shadow of death can only be called “good life” if the mom who just lost a child isn’t around, let she slap me… But if I call that dark valley “good life” it is only because God is with me. But that has nothing to do with character, does it?! You know, in a way it is reassuring to hear such a blunder from you, because we need to be reminded that even the best minds who God has used to enlighten us in recent years will go off into nonsensical land sometimes. So let’s test this one and then let’s not keep it. 1 Thess 5:21
*lest, not *let
I was bitten by a radioactive caveman…
I like how you think Don and actually I feel this way too. I’ve been seeing too many tips and tricks about so many things on twitter. Many people follow random twitter accounts that tweet nice quotes, so that the followers can get wisdom out of it. But really, there are just too many nice quotes (tips and tricks) out there and if you can’t focus, you’ll end up just retweeting them rather than act on them. You simplified these whole tips and tricks: Work on your character and a good life will come to you.
Just like my pastor said (similar to what you wrote above), “like attracts like”. When you shape your character, you will attract other people who have good character as well. And doing that (working on your character) is a much wiser thing to do rather than wasting time convincing others that you have a good character/integrity.
Just my 2 cents.
Again, thanks for sharing this, Don. God bless!
[...] then this morning I visited Don Miller’s blog and read his confession that he’s tired of being more consumed with his reputation than his [...]
Words are your friend Donald Miller.
How about a Biblical perspective
Luke 6:41- Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and ignore the plank in your own?
1 Thessalonians 4:11-12- and make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: you should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.
A lot of times it’s hard to focus on ourselves and try to really improve who we are. But we need to do it.
Character is something that takes time. Developing good character is not an easy task. Mistakes will be made. Hardships are likely to ensue. And in the end, it will all be worth it. Jesus certainly taught us that we ought to.
Oh and by the way, there’s a typo in the last bit. It should be “come” not “com”
It should be “brother’s eye” not “brothers eye.” I mean, if we want to get picky about typos….
Don,
This is great. Thanks for posting this! I want to be a person of character and integrity and its so good to ponder these thoughts. Love your honest writing.
I mean, yeah, I agree with you. I guess I just want to know where Jesus fits into me working on having good character and a good life and all. And if we’re even supposed to have a “good” life.
Good post.
An older friend of my Dad’s used to say…
“Take care of your Character and God will take care of your reputation”
I’ve held that in my heart for years, believing that Character counts.
Great Post!
When we have good weather inside of us it calms the storms outside.
I write a blog for parents, seeking to speak truth into the lies of the current parenting culture. I so appreciate your words and have had a post brewing in my mind for some time about the difference in character vs. reputation in how it relates to raising children. Thoughts? I wonder how focusing on character as a parent would change the course of the life of a child. Thanks, Janet
My pastor often says, “Your talent can sometimes take you places your character can’t support.”
In the wash, God is going to look at our character and hearts far more than what we do or say.
Thanks for this provocative post.
What is the difference between having a good character and having integrity? Don’t the both of them go together? Doesn’t having a good character mean that you will have been working on your integrity as well?
Also by settling do you mean being content? Like Paul says in Philippians 4:10-12, “But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.”
Thanks Don just finished reading million thousand recently and loved it. It touched me and made me think about my life. The part about your friend who lost his wife crushed me as I have had to deal with mine being in a nursing home with Alzheimers. This blog cuts to a basic issue and puts it simply and cogently. I think of the verse that says deny yourself take up your cross and follow me. Jesus was all about character and Paul spoke about being content with what you have and your circumstances. Thanks good word and reminder.
So here’s the thing. Sometimes my friends and I sit around and talk about your book (a million miles) which causes us to think about what it would be like to talk to you. Just sit in a coffee shop and talk about life and what it all means and analyzing things we do or say. So I appreciate your blog because it makes think and most of all it makes me talk to God about it all and ask “Does this guy really know what he’s talking about?” and it always causes good conversations between us. But I hate to think you have regrets. Because whether you have hurt people in the past or not you have helped so many people through your books. How cool is it to know that everyday you could be inspiring someone when they read your words. Which I’m pretty sure you are. So just saying thanks. Keep up the good work.
Agree Haley!
Thanks Don, more good info. Thanks to your living a meaningful story and building good character posts, you have been a part of helping push me towards taking a great leap of faith. My wife and I have decided to give away %90 of my income and live on what we normally give God. My wife stays home with our four children and I make average money, so we need God to show up big time. But you know what, The God we worship is that big. Keep up your ministry, you will never know the impact this side of heaven.
Holy Moly Joel! That is incredible!
Isaiah 40…This is Your God!
Amazed,
Shelly
Joel and your Wife, great choice, just know that the Lord is ‘no man’s debtor’ he will provide fully and will sure outgive you
Here’s the only time God says: ‘test me or try me’:
Malachi 3:10-12
10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,” says the LORD of hosts, “if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows. 11 Then I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of the ground; nor will your vine in the field cast its grapes,” says the LORD of hosts. 12 “All the nations will call you blessed, for you shall be a delightful land,” says the LORD of hosts.
I’m in. I’ve been faced with some things in my life the past few years that are out of my control. Yet, I’ve been trying to control them & how others see the situation. I’ve noticed that I’ve become someone I do not recognize and do not really like. God has prompted me to just work on what I can…me. This is a daily, and sometimes hourly, walk. Thank you for this timely piece.
#4 is right on the money – and reason enough, if you ask me.
I believe a part of having good character, or if nothing else at least an EFFECT of having good character, is gratitude and humility. And it is through those attitudes that you’ll find true contentment. And contentment is all you will ever need for a “good life”.
To quote Philippians 11-13:
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
So yes, I agree.
Really encouraging words. How often am I able to encourage myself to just rest in where God has me, rest in where He has others, and just dwell on our extreme value? Thankfully, it’s happening more frequently, and I think it’s due to God’s faithfulness to His Bride. The next thought I had after reading this entry was how wonderful it is that God promises to finish what he started. So sooner or later, character will happen and happen sooner if we’re trusting in His goodness. Even our regrets and mistakes have a bit of grace all over them because He’s merciful. That makes my heart really glad: He is able to help folks forgive us, in His time and way. And He’s able to help me forgive too. I love the freedom that brings. Thanks for the encouraging post.
I try and test this out everyday.
I really do. I can’t tell you how many times I ask God to help me, before I leave my house.
I think the character of God is proven through Jesus. If I could just be like Him, how much richer my life would be.
I appreciate what you’re writing here… and totally agree. Especially because you lay this in the “how to have a better life” camp not in the “this is what God requires of you” camp. For all your reasons, working on your character will probably lead to a good life. And yeah, we could debate those definitions.
I feel a lot of tension agreeing with you and at the same time recognizing the other side of that which is the also truth that it is Christ who is at work in us. Christ comes to live in us, and it is his life that bears fruit in us. “the work he has begun in us” or “we hold this treasure in jars of clay” in order to show God’s glory provide a sense that we can do nothing. How does “work on your character” work with “God who is at work in you to will and to work for his good pleasure”? I think both are true.
Enjoyed this…especially the, “discount good life” shop…so tempting, but you get what you pay for.
Reminded me of Benjamin Franklin’s list of 13 virtues. “Even though I didn’t live up to my ideals, juts my attempt to do so made me a better and happier man.”
And also, in “Jesus Among Other Gods” Zacharias’ point in making a mission statement for your life…”Is life to be defined by what I pursue, or must my pursuit be defined by what life was meant to be?”
Good character leads to better decisions, and better decisions tend to lead to better outcomes…not easy outcomes or easy roads, but those with depth and meaning and purpose.
In my life, it is definitely easier said than done without massive accountability…even if it is a checklist, yep, somedays I need a checklist to help me make good decisions.
Good weather inside. What a fantastic metaphor. You nailed it with that one.
Your last post on Character vs Reputation prompted a lot of introspection on my part and I am grateful for that http://itsakoolife.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/insideout/. You seem to be saying similar things here, but this one has a different tone, one that I personally appreciate.
Here’s where the rubber meets the road for me lately: how much do I grumble when I do the dishes for my family? That may sound silly and small, but I think small things can reveal a lot about character.
Question rattling in my mind: how do grace and character dance together? As my areas of poor character are revealed, God’s grace meets me there. An invitation to receive his love is extended. I believe receiving this love from God is transformative, thus affecting my character. So what if I desire a greater capacity to receive God’s love and grace more than I desire to work on my character? What do you think?
Sometimes I get the notion that I’m supposed to be more. I look at who and where I am currently and find so much lacking. So perhaps the answer lies somewhere in focusing on what needs improvement in my character. Instead of trying to become someone great, I should work on becoming more self-disciplined, kind, faithful, honest, and patient. Perhaps the great will then emerge.
I am grateful for such a wonderful blog. Many of my leaders of the past have tried to lead me by cleaning up the outside of my cup. However, I have found real change comes through the inside out; usually through some great deal of sorrow or suffering. I no longer seek to avoid pain. To escape is only and illusion. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Conflict like a storm changes things up quite a bit. “It is in the mourning that we wake up.” But take heart Jesus is the King of the broken hearted and our trials work out character in us if we faint not.
Sincerely, Angela Bertone.
I’ve been praying for simplicity and clarity as I consider priorities in my life. I dealt with great loss last year with the death of our 4 year old granddaughter and I won’t go down the list of the other ways life has been brutal in the last several years and months. But I will say that there is nothing I feel compelled to “work” on anymore other than trying to hear and listen to the Voice of Truth. It’s almost always telling me something different than my own logic. And in the suffering, I have seen God do unspeakably beautiful and amazing things. It’s all about Him. He takes care of us all. I just want to get into His flow…to know His voice and follow.
I think #3 is troubling in how it formulates the idea that we surround ourselves with good character people. I get that we should have fine character friends in our inner circle, but I think we are instructed in the NT in word and by example of Jesus and The Guys to spend the great majority of our life with the broken and marginalized. Giving our selves to them and avoiding them not. Living amongst them …eating with them, living life so closely and working means we are most often surrounded by poor character people. In some cases . . that is all we have to choose from.
I get Don’s idea about that good character people have an positive effect on us. Maybe for seasons that is excellent to cultivate. But in the big picture, I think we spend life with the broken. Poor character people are broken people. We offer our hand of friendship to them. You get dirty in their lives. Things don’t always go right when in community with them.
So that in mind . . . it’s hard to choose to surround myself with good people …….. or jump in to the humanity that is desperate for contact with God’s people.
I throw caution to the wind…its how I live, its how I move amongst the human.
Don,
I love your list. I prefer a slow growth metaphor myself. I have a question though:
In #2 you said “Having good character means settling for what little I have, and participating in life rather than trying to conquer life.” Something about settling unsettles me & makes me a little sad. I get that you are talking about not feeding overindulgences & being satisfied with what we have but I think often at the heart of consumption is an unmet relational or emotional need. At least for me, it usually boils down to a sense of lack somewhere. But maybe “having good character means gratefully accepting all that I have been given, and participating in life rather than trying to conquer life”? Nit picky I know but I think there is a difference. Do you?
Thanks for the post & the opportunity to respond.
–Lesley
I read, The Good Life, by Richard M. Gula last summer. Listen to this:”Morality & spirituality are, at bottom, about the quality of our relationships. How we live with others is the training ground and testing ground for character.” And,”People who live the good life not only rejoice in what they have received as a gift but also promise to use these gifts well in order to bring life to others.”
I loved Jimmy Stewart in ‘Harvey’ as well. I just skimmed this blog post and I’m pretty sure that’s what it was about.
Excellent – as good as anything you have ever written. Thank you so much!
Work on your character Don, and every day will seem like a gift to you, no matter what life brings your way.
This post reminds me of an Andy Stanley book I read years ago, “Louder Than Words”. I just pulled it back off the shelf last week to re-check myself. The main concept of the book is that character paves the way to true intimacy with God. That’s the good life. The pining at times makes me forget or question. Thanks for the reminder, Don, and clearing away the clouds of pining. True intimacy with God IS the good life and character paves the road.
Great words. Love the insight. So the question to ask is, is bad character the cause of the majority of divorce and conflict today? If people only connect on a superficial level, they can never hope to have a lasting relationship. just my thought.
Sigh. So I am convicted enough that I will have to toss out the idea that I should approach life as a Honey Badger.
I just wrote a post on some communication lessons I learned from Jimmy Steward’s movie Harvey. I love reading this post. Such a great challenge.
Don,
Its hard not to compare what you are saying to Jesus statement to “Seek Him first, and ALL of these other things will be added to you.” So many things in life are gotten by getting Him first. It is the proper order of things. They are then in their proper perspective. The things are not the thing, but the thing HE has given me:) When I cling to the gift He has given, I have to let go of Him. So many times we mess up the order, and God can’t bless that, because He is jealous and besides, that is how we are wired. THEN I can love my brother or sister or others, the right way, where I am not a consumer, but a giver. And that is when I am most happy. I want “good weather” inside me. thanks!
Thank you! Just what I needed to hear today…”I just want to be. And I want to be better.”
The word that comes to mind as I read this is: contentment.
That is what I want — to be content with my life (with some holy angst thrown in to keep me honest!).
“Just because there’s a storm on the ocean doesn’t mean there has to be a storm within me.” Beautiful. I love this post!
[...] by Donald Miller. Find the original here. 1. I’m tired of tricks and tips. I just want to be. And I want to be better. And I am being [...]
This is a great word too to the essence of discipleship. As Christians today, we tend to spend to much time on “program” and less time of developing personal character. As leaders in the body of Christ (the church) we need to change our outlook on how we disciple.
Just had a situation yesterday that required me to check myself and my character. I love what you’ve written. Really gives us all something to think about.
My kindergarten teacher put it this way whenever I would tattle on someone: “You let so-and-so worry about so-and-so, and Matt worry about Matt.”
We always need to be working on our character, for character unmodeled is character diminished. In other words, when we hide or character, we corrupt it. When we model our character, we tend to sharpen it.
Yes, I agree…absolutely. My only resolution for this year was love God better, so that I in turn will love others better, too. Nothing else really matters much. It’s taking the time to meet with God and allow Him to do the good work, inward and out. It’s choosing the resond in love, when its easier to lash back at someone.
I love the line from the movie, “Family Man”. The part where he’s paying for some rock salt, ordering the angel-cashier not to send him back…before he gets to pay for his stuff, a girl is ahead of him in line. She’s buying a diet coke–hands the cashier a dollar. He says out loud, “out of ten–9 dollars change”. She looks up at him, and walks out. Wait for it…here it comes: “can you believe that? she just sold her character for nine dollars!”
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Take This moment sign and space.
Take my friends around
have among us make the place
where your love is found.
Take the time to call my Name
take the time to mend
who I am and what I’ve been
all I’ve failed to tend.
Take my tiredness of my days
take my past regret
Let your forgiveness touch all
I can’t forget.
Take the little child in me
Scared of growing old
Help him here to find his worth
Made in Christ’s own mold.
Take my talents take my skills
Take what’s yet to be
Let my Life be yours and yet
Let it still be me.
Thank you. This post struck a chord in me. I could have more serenity by lining up better with the Word. More serenity would be a big improvement in my life. Lining up better with the Word would certainly develop my character.
[...] Work on Your Character and a Good Life will Come to You The blogosphere is abuzz with advice for the new year. We’re being given tricks and tips on getting ahead, becoming more efficient and so forth. But as a guy who helps people live better stories, I have to tell you the best advice I’ve ever heard is simple: Work on your character and a good life will come to you. [...]
You’re a beautiful person.
This is something I am focusing on hugely in the new year. I have a book releasing this month, and a conference being lined up, and it would be easy for me to sacrifice myself and step into what I think I should look like as this speaker/author person…or I can work on my character and bring myself into the role. It’s trickier, sure. You have to fight the urge and pressure to homogenize. But, in the end, if it is me and my story that helped the book come about, it should be me and my character that continue the conversation. Here’s hoping!
Thanks, Don.